How do you NEVER leave your child to cry?

[NommyChompers]

I often read on here ‘I have never left my child to cry’ but honestly how does this work in practice? Today I have an awful cold so baby was crying in rocker in the bathroom while I had a hot shower to clear my sinuses. I have IBS so occasionally she is also left to cry for ten minutes while I’m on the loo. How in reality are other parents handling these situations so the baby never cries?

Is is worth never having a long shower/loo break/never sleep training? I feel guilty but then I think why?? Why am I a bad mother for making a cuppa if they are clinging all day after jabs/washing/going to the loo?

I've never left DS to cry more than a minute - except while driving when we couldn't stop and that was singing at him, stroking his hand etc.

It helps that he's a happy little thing and rarely cries unless something is very wrong.

@Thirtytimesround

When my baby cried I stopped what I was doing and tried to comfort her. So I only showered when she was in a good mood, which was most of the time because her life was awesome. She was always in the bathroom with me when I showered and could watch me and listen to me in the shower (and, when she learned to stand, she’d poke at me through the shower curtain).

As for the toilet, if she was in a clingy mood I’d just carry her in with me. I very rarely went to the loo by myself in the first two years.

I didn’t do any motorway drives for the same 2 yrs and if she cried when I was driving round town I’d pull over and feed her, which always cheered her up.

It isn’t actually that hard to do what I did, except at night when she woke all the time, eventually we had to cosleep. But Babies who are left to cry, cry much more, so I ended up with a very calm and cheerful little dude. There was no such thing as ‘me time’ but I didn’t want any back then, I was totally in love and didn’t want to be apart.

🤣 be thankful you only had 1 baby. Or it’s very hard to do what you did

My first two were generally pretty happy babies, sometimes they would cry in the same room as me if they wanted to be picked up and I was in the middle of doing something but I never needed to leave them elsewhere to cry alone.
They usually had a first nap within an hour or so of waking in the mornings so I showered then.

My 3rd was more of a crier and would cry a lot in the pram or car before falling asleep etc but again the main thing for me was just never leaving them upset and alone.

Sometimes you can’t meet your babies needs immediately, sometimes they have to wait and sometimes they are upset about it. That’s life.
Closing the door on them when they were distressed was the line for me personally though.

@Hellolittlestar I'm baffled by the roads you must have in your area, all with no traffic jams ever and safe spaces to stop..my DD slept best on motorways the crying would happen when stuck at train gates or similar.

To be honest although I aimed to reduce crying and be around to soothe baby where poss my second had to cry a lot more than my first...and I believe (despite being somewhat Of the attachment mindset of parenting) that she was a much much happier contented little soul because I didn't have the opportunity to jump to her cry at any given second. She learnt to wait a little slept much better, would drift off easier despite having the same allergies as my first.
I was usually in the room with her but occasionally her sister would need rescuing from the trampoline or help with the toilet etc and so there were short periods for alone time. I genuinely feel she was better off for it.

@Silverswirl exactly. I had a 9 year old to take to school and a newborn at one stage. If you have more than one the baby just has to cry sometimes and slot in!

Not drive on a motorway? Not showering unless partner is at home??wtf?!

Ds cried a lot in his first 12 months, he had reflux but still we travelled everywhere with him. At 5 months old we took him to South Africa, a 12 hour flight! Oh and he had already been to Spain. By 2 years old he was a seasoned traveler and took everything in his stride.

Dh is a Dr, trying to plan my showers or housework around him being at home wouldn’t work! His hours are totally unpredictable. I just had to get on with life, and sometimes ds cried, babies cry it’s what they do.

Ds is now a very confident, happy go lucky 13 year old.

@SickAndTiredAgain
^ But I firmly dispute the idea it was possible for me to never have her crying.^

You’ve done amazing. It looks like I’ve not expressed my thoughts very clearly. I meant not deliberately leaving baby to cry.

I don’t understand while these posts always have to turn into arguments and blaming. I’m not blaming anyones choice of parenting. For me it felt better to not have spotless home and pick my baby up as quickly as possible, meaning I would rinse the shampoo if it was in the hair already, but would not start shaving legs or putting conditioner in.

Do what suits you and your baby.

As soon as my daughter cries I go straight to her, even if I'm in the shower. I've never left her crying, ever. Driving the car we stop the car, whatever the situation I respond to her

Tbf my daughter doesn't cry much though. At least that's what other people tell me. That's either because that's just her personality or it's because I've always responded to her, I don't know which because she's my first.

I do appreciate things can be different for different people, but there's a big difference between not being able to get to them because you're in the middle of a poo and sleep training.

As PP says I assume they would mean other than to go to the loo etc. if you bottle feed surely they cry sometimes when you make a bottle? Unless you have someone with you constantly

I would say I don't leave DS to cry but I manage to shower every day. I usually go when he's asleep or content and he sometimes starts crying while I'm gone. If DH is there abs able to then get goes to get him.

Sometimes I let him cry for short periods while I'm getting a drink or a snack or running his bath but it's not a lot.

I don't see how you can avoid that unless you don't eat / shower etc or your partner is always there.

He doesn't often cry in the car or pram.

Tbf my daughter doesn't cry much though. At least that's what other people tell me. That's either because that's just her personality or it's because I've always responded to her, I don't know which because she's my first.

It's her personality. Its quite obviously not because you immediately respond to her when she cries. Even with a first child you must know that. The alternative is you're implying that those with children who cry more do so because their needs aren't being immediately met.

@Bagelsandbrie

I admit when I read things on here where people are saying they haven’t managed a shower for two / three days because they can’t leave the baby I’m like

Yeah I don't get that either I just bring her in the bathroom with me. Maybe it's because their baby doesn't want to be put down maybe? I guess it must be harder in the newborn stage but one their baby can see them in the shower it's not so difficult perhaps?

@PinkWaferBiscuit

Tbf my daughter doesn't cry much though. At least that's what other people tell me. That's either because that's just her personality or it's because I've always responded to her, I don't know which because she's my first.

It's her personality. Its quite obviously not because you immediately respond to her when she cries. Even with a first child you must know that. The alternative is you're implying that those with children who cry more do so because their needs aren't being immediately met.

Yes, you're right. That's true.

When I say that I don't leave the DC to cry, I mean that I don't do that intentionally as some kind of method in order to get them to sleep, be independent, as a punishment etc.

It does not mean that I am never occupied at times that they are crying. Although with one child, if you don't drive, and if you have a partner or other support around most of the time, it is easier to get to zero-crying (though I am not sure it's particularly a helpful thing to aim for).

It's not very helpful to be afraid of/unable to cope with your child's emotions. That can lead to all kinds of problems with boundaries and parental burnout which will damage your relationship long term. If your parental goal is to always make your children happy, maybe look into this discomfort as it does not actually do them any favours.

@PinkWaferBiscuit

Did we have the same child? Love your description. Makes me feel less guilty about the way I felt about mine...

If we did I apologise I honestly wouldn't inflict him on my worst enemy. He's getting better now he's a toddler but he's still definitely more emotional than many other children although at least now he is sometimes able to tell me why he is crying, although I'm sure half the time he still doesn't actually have a reason. Hope yours is no longer such hard work.

That doesn't often help much. I remember DD crying one day because I didn't look at her socks. Not a bit of sniffling either, proper hyperventilating, my life is over crying.

That doesn't often help much. I remember DD crying one day because I didn't look at her socks. Not a bit of sniffling either, proper hyperventilating, my life is over crying.

Oh we still get the full blown complete it's the end of the world crying at least once a day here too often about completely bizarre things just like your daughters socks example.

I mostly give him space to chill the fuck out when he gets like that as there is no reasoning with him and me trying to console him often makes the situation worse. Maybe to some that would still be too much crying but given how he used to be I'll take 20 minutes of tears over 20 hours any day of the week.

We can only hope by the time they are adults they are much improved and most importantly keep our fingers crossed that their first borns are just as emotional.

I showered when dh was home or the baby was sleeping. I knew their routine so would know when they wouldn't wake, if they did I would get out of the shower and go to them.

2 DC here and even when I just had the one child I still had to leave him to cry sometimes - eg. Whilst I nipped for a wee, crying in high chair whilst I quickly heated up his food, crying in cot if I had to quickly run down to open the door to postman etc.

In all of these type of situations baby was on my hip. They are very easily transported when they are small so no need at all to leave them crying while I did things, I just did them with the baby.

I never judge people that leave their babies to cry(I have very little interest in how other people parent certainly not enough to judge), it just wasn't something I wanted to do, it felt for me like it was going against ny natural urges if I did and it really wasn't any trouble for me to carry them on my hip for the first part of their lives.

They are teenagers now and it feels like a lifetime ago, it really is such a brief period of time that they require such intensive parenting and I don't regret giving them that time at all.

The DC's always came into the bathroom with me.

I didn't do the no crying but I couldn't have deliberately gone into the shower leaving them to cry!!

I think there is a difference between a baby that sometimes cries and a baby that is left to cry as a technique to encourage settling. My first was very rarely allowed to cry and she was a baby that only cried when she needed something. I don’t have IBS so that wasn’t an issue and I definitely had occasions when I took her into the bathroom with me. I showered in the evening when DH was home. She didn’t like the car so we didn’t go on many long car journeys when she was small. She was fine once she was old enough to be front facing and she has always had motion sickness so I realise now she felt sick in the car. No wonder she cried! I did find that friends who left their babies to cry were very scathing of me for ‘spoiling’ her but I figure if I wasn’t complaining (and I never did) then it was nobody else’s business. And all their dire forecasts for the future never came to pass as she continued to sleep well and grew into a happy and confident child/teen.

I couldn’t shower with Ds with me. Our bathroom is tiny so no space for even a baby bouncer when tiny without him getting soaked or trod on. If he wasn’t happy, he screamed once, holds breathe until passes out. So showered each morning when dh was around

He has cried like in car, but like others I don’t intentionally leave him to cry to settle. The odd time he has been left a few minutes because I am busy ie in loo, when he’s woken from nap and not gone in straight he’s blue in the face and hyperventilating by the time I get to him and takes ages to calm down.

Maybe he’s just ott compared to others, but he just gets really stressed out.

@RedCandyApple

I think people are misunderstanding, I never intentionally left my baby to cry, obviously if you need the toilet or a kick shower that’s different but I wouldn’t purposely ignore my baby whilst they cried, that’s the different.

This

@vdbfamily

I agree that all those saying they managed not to leave a crying baby, only had one or had large gaps. I had 3 under 3.5 at one stage and the youngest had recurrent UTI's from 8 weeks old and was often crying. There was often at least one of them crying whilst I managed another's needs. They all used to cry for a short while before sleeping but I could tell if it was the tired cry meaning they were about to fall asleep or the not tired/ I don't want this nap cry. I do often wonder when people say their toddler will not nap in day, whether these parents are letting their child have a bit of a cry as they settle, as this is normal for a third child and if you want to them energy time, they would not sleep but get very over tired.

Omg 3 under 3.5 How on earth did you survive!

The main reason I would not sleep train involving crying for set periods is that I don't think it makes logical sense that doing that would teach a child to soothe themselves. It seems really bizarre to me and the opposite of any other way I teach my children anything. I didn't throw them into a swimming pool to teach them to swim, or push them down a steep hill to learn to ride a bike. I accepted that at the beginning they would need support and slowly as they get older that support fades away until they are able to be independent at tasks. Sleep is the same IMO. It seems like leaving to cry is just teaching them that you are not coming so there is no sense in asking, which might be what people want but it wasn't what I wanted.

However I don't have a problem with the "Le Pause" thing where you give them a minute or two just to see whether the problem resolves itself - I think with DC1 I was always a bit quick to rush in as soon as there was a noise, and sometimes if it's just wind or a dream or something, the dream or the air bubble moves on by itself and they don't need any soothing by a parent. If you go in in that instance, sometimes you disturb them and that can reinforce a sense of always needing your presence to go back to sleep. But if they genuinely do need my presence (whether it's a "habit" or not doesn't particularly matter to me) then I want to be there.

Sparks bouncer bouncer in open toilet door for baby. Would never shower unless my dh or eldest child was watching baby or they were asleep. Leaving a baby to cry while you shower is not ok , their needs have to come first. The only exemption would be pnd when you feel unsafe around your crying child if you don’t have 3 or 4 minutes in a room alone.

I'm one of those "never let my baby cry" types but in all honesty I think I was probably lucky that my baby didn't really cry that much. He fussed, but didn't really cry. I showered every day when he was asleep.

Twins on the way and fully aware I'll have to accept some crying!