How do you NEVER leave your child to cry?

[NommyChompers]

I often read on here ‘I have never left my child to cry’ but honestly how does this work in practice? Today I have an awful cold so baby was crying in rocker in the bathroom while I had a hot shower to clear my sinuses. I have IBS so occasionally she is also left to cry for ten minutes while I’m on the loo. How in reality are other parents handling these situations so the baby never cries?

Is is worth never having a long shower/loo break/never sleep training? I feel guilty but then I think why?? Why am I a bad mother for making a cuppa if they are clinging all day after jabs/washing/going to the loo?

@ldontWanna

I thought this was just me! Our first baby screamed for about 8 hours a day every day for the first four months. When she finally started improving, and went into her room at 6 months, I’d often ask my husband if he could hear her screaming when the house was apparently in silence.

It became my brain screen saver.

Horrific.

Mine cried no matter what so didn't leave me with much choice. Plus a toddler potty training with a newborn etc

To be honest i was super close to using ear defenders to wash my son's hair, the only thing that stopped me was knowing that if it's that bad for him, i shouldn't try to block it out
I hate his crying alone, it was super hard to get him sleeping in his own room, but honestly it's each to their own, just balance your needs with theirs and you're doing well.
Don't worry about others judgement. Take care

@PinkWaferBiscuit

I had great intentions but DS was an absolutely miserable little person he cried for approximately 23 1/2 hours a day and that's only a slight exaggeration.

He had reflux, CMPA, FOMO and he was just generally a grumpy toad. I suspect those who claim to have never left their child to cry and feign horror at how awful it would be have placid chilled children who hardly whimper.

Did we have the same child? Love your description. Makes me feel less guilty about the way I felt about mine...

I was genuinely interested I promise. I honestly didn’t know what everyone else was doing while they went to the loo or was in the car. Usually when I shower I leave her happy but sometimes this is not possible and I don’t have a bath so can’t take her in with me (tiny shower too!). Phantom cries are definitely a thing! So much seems to depend on conflicting needs of other children - my partner works lots of night shifts so I couldn’t wait for him to be around to shower, etc.

I think for me - I was a 4th child under 5 so was obviously forced to wait a LOT but only remember having the BEST bond with my own mother.

Mine were often left to cry for a bit while I hoovered/showered etc. I don’t think it does any harm, and they sometimes settled themselves before I got there.

Omg I love this post @NommyChompers thank you for raising this as I thought I was somehow a bad mum by MN standards! Just yesterday put DS in car, loading the boot with shopping and he started to cry. I though OMG nobody on MN has this problem? They dont need the loo/ have to put the laundry in/ drive a car/ cook meals etc. So good to know other people do have babies that cry sometimes ...

I remember asking my dad how they coped with 4 young kids and he just casually said ‘sometimes there was a lot of crying because you would set each other off and we couldn’t do anything. So apparantly he would just drive us to wherever with all 4 crying!

What really got me thinking of this was reading about parenting in happy scandi countries where kids are left outside in their pushchairs

Mine are in their mid twenties....I always had a daily shower. They were put back in their cot while I did. Quite possibly cried....can't remember.

Did we have the same child? Love your description. Makes me feel less guilty about the way I felt about mine...

If we did I apologise I honestly wouldn't inflict him on my worst enemy. He's getting better now he's a toddler but he's still definitely more emotional than many other children although at least now he is sometimes able to tell me why he is crying, although I'm sure half the time he still doesn't actually have a reason. Hope yours is no longer such hard work.

This isn’t meant judgmental, but it is possible not to leave baby to cry.

*Shower when baby asleep, partner home or take baby with you.

*motorway - no, didn’t go on roads where impossible to stop within a minute.

*loo - take baby with you or go when baby asleep, partner home.

I dropped everything and went to the baby as soon as she cried. My house was a mess and we rarely ate a meal that took longer than 15 minutes to prepare. This is only possible with the first child though.

Also I think there’s a difference whether the baby cries next to you or in a different room. Say in the car scenario, baby starts crying, you can talk to them and comfort with your voice saying you will stop as soon as possible.

I always think this too. I did do sleep training in the end as a last resort and having ensured all of her needs were met it worked. I counted the minutes of crying she did and it was much less than even a short car journey home from the grandparents or supermarket.

motorway - no, didn’t go on roads where impossible to stop within a minute.

I don't think I would have been able to leave the house if I'd applied this criteria. Assuming you mean stopping safely! So my baby would never have cried, but I'd have been unable to get her to her pediatrician appointments, hearing test, or vaccinations.

it is possible not to leave baby to cry.

I dropped everything and went to the baby as soon as she cried. My house was a mess and we rarely ate a meal that took longer than 15 minutes to prepare. This is only possible with the first child though.

So not possible then?

Not eating nice food. Not washing. Living in filth. Not having more than one child.

This would really affect my mental health.

Shower when baby asleep, partner home or take baby with you.

My babies woke/ wake up as soon as I put them down. My husband works 90 hour weeks half of the year.

It’s not possible to never let a baby cry without seriously sacrificing your sanity. Stop putting this ridiculous pressure on new mums when they’re already vulnerable to mental health problems.

It’s shameful.

I always wonder if they get the baby up as soon as they cry? Because mine often fall back to sleep if you leave them a bit. Sleep they clearly need. Had a friend round this week who was alarmed I didn't get my baby as soon as she started crying from her nap. But then my friend's babies are appalling sleepers. I think being a bit slack with babies is a better strategy.

@Hellolittlestar

This isn’t meant judgmental, but it is possible not to leave baby to cry.

*Shower when baby asleep, partner home or take baby with you.

*motorway - no, didn’t go on roads where impossible to stop within a minute.

*loo - take baby with you or go when baby asleep, partner home.

I dropped everything and went to the baby as soon as she cried. My house was a mess and we rarely ate a meal that took longer than 15 minutes to prepare. This is only possible with the first child though.

Also I think there’s a difference whether the baby cries next to you or in a different room. Say in the car scenario, baby starts crying, you can talk to them and comfort with your voice saying you will stop as soon as possible.

For 6 months DD howled whenever not held in someone’s arms. She cried in the sling (I tried multiple kinds), car seat and pram. I’d take her to the bathroom with me and put her in her bouncer or on a fluffy towel and I’d sing, pull faces, chat away etc but she’d just scream the second my hands left her. She’d cry if I put her in the bouncer or on a playmate in the living room and was sitting right there next to her singing nursery rhymes etc. She’d cry while I made a sandwich despite me being right there, trying to calm her. Those 6 months were the most miserable of my life because either I was holding her, or she was screaming. And it isn’t possible to not put a baby down at all for the whole day home alone with them. If I stopped the car every time she cried I would literally never even close her door, let alone get the car off the driveway. She screamed the second I put her in the pram and having it moving didn’t help, she just kept going. She wasn’t unwell, she didn’t have reflux or CMPA or anything, and she was immediately happy when picked back up. She was happy as Larry when held, and would feed (breastfed) well with no problems. Bizarrely she slept quite well at night but would only nap on me during the day so I couldn’t wait until she slept to make food/go to the loo etc. She was healthy, and is now a healthy, happy 2 year old. But I firmly dispute the idea it was possible for me to never have her crying. I tried everything to make it possible for me to put her down for long enough for me to have a wee without angry howls, I was driven to complete despair.

Mine had severe reflux and was generally a bit of a grump.

I couldn't leave him to cry because he would projectile vomit if I did.

So one of us would sit in the back with him on car journeys. He'd come into the bathroom with me. Honestly it was a flipping nightmare for the first year of his life.

I don't think people mean they've never left their child for a moment whilst crying, due to being busy for a moment. Such as the toilet etc. So if I'm on the toilet, or on the shower and my child starts crying they'll have to wait a moment for me sort myself out to grab them. Though I would be as quick as possible, and would make them wait longer than necessary. So I'd start towering off instantly if in the shower.
However, I wouldn't leave my child crying to go to the toilet, shower make food etc. This is my personal choice though, and it works for my dd and I.

It’s the same as ‘I never put my baby down for the first year’…….impossible.

I’ve been trying to not let baby cry at all but like some PP she cries immediately on being put down and it’s been really getting me down. Rather than having her on her rocker in the bathroom crying while I shower I’ve started leaving her (safely) in the hallway, etc. And I’ve stopped sitting in the back of the car with her when I can’t help her anyway.

It’s been so much better for my mental health but I’ve been feeling really guilty. So thanks for the reassurance I’ve been getting from some of these posts. My mum isn’t around for me to ask but speaking to my dad about my time as a baby has also been really reassuring.

I guess so much depends on personal circumstances but my partner is working in A&E so is rarely around and living in a small flat means even if he takes her for a few hours I can still hear every fart and breath for the baby.

My New Years resolution is to be less harsh on myself. And to get out of the house every day

I agree that all those saying they managed not to leave a crying baby, only had one or had large gaps. I had 3 under 3.5 at one stage and the youngest had recurrent UTI's from 8 weeks old and was often crying.
There was often at least one of them crying whilst I managed another's needs. They all used to cry for a short while before sleeping but I could tell if it was the tired cry meaning they were about to fall asleep or the not tired/ I don't want this nap cry. I do often wonder when people say their toddler will not nap in day, whether these parents are letting their child have a bit of a cry as they settle, as this is normal for a third child and if you want to them energy time, they would not sleep but get very over tired.

I’ve got two dc now aged 9 and 19. If I wanted a shower or needed to go out somewhere I’d just have a shower. I mean I’d try and feed them first and time it with a nap but life doesn’t always work like that so quite often I’d just have to put them down in the cot / playpen or whatever and just accept they’d cry. Same with the toilet - I have ibs and when you gotta go you gotta go! Neither have been emotionally scarred by having the odd 15 mins of crying here and there.

Definitely depends on the baby. I have a friend who used to say her baby never cried because "why would he? I give him everything he needs".

Then she had another baby. He cried almost constantly no matter what she did! She still laughs a lot about her previous attitude. Both boys are now older and are equally happy, well-adjusted children.

I tried not to leave my babies to cry but sometimes it proved impossible. I remember one awful sleep-deprived night after months of very little sleep with my DD when I was so exhausted (and on my own) and she woke up for what felt like the 100th time that night, and I just lay there wanting to die while she cried. It was terrible.

However, a positive I take from that early experience of my own often-miserable crying baby is that it helped to teach me that when children are upset about something, it isn't always up to their parents to fix it instantly (often it's not even possible) and it's actually healthy sometimes to just let them be sad and let them feel their feelings. Obviously not with a newborn, but it is a good lesson to learn early for the teenage years...

I admit when I read things on here where people are saying they haven’t managed a shower for two / three days because they can’t leave the baby I’m like

Had twins and a 2 year old. For about a year there was pretty much always someone crying.
Each child was left to cry many many times whilst I saw to the others. No way round it on my own.