AIBU to give older child breast milk?

[SamanthaJol2]

I completely failed to BF my DD and seem to have lots of excess milk with my DS, would it be ok to give my daughter expressed BM to alleviate some of the guilt I feel for failing her?

@PenguinLove1

I can’t stop thinking that I have let her down and keep reading threads of women who feel guilty and it’s making me feel a million times worse. I have also read that my daughter won’t love me as much because I didn’t BF

OP with the best will in the world, you need to give yourself a little shake. All this time you’re spending dwelling on breastfeeding isn’t healthy, it’s time you should be spending with your little one or thinking about how amazing they are! It seems you’re getting hung up on the tick boxes of early motherhood rather than the overall health and happiness of your child. For what it’s worth I was fully breastfed as a baby, haven’t seen my mum in 5 years, we are NC as she is incredibly abusive. My best friend was bottle fed since birth and has the most wonderful relationship with her mum.

Let go & move on, for your children’s sake.

Is the dirt she has now more important than breastfeeding?

Help me get this into perspective x

Food*** ‘dirt’ 😂😂

You can show your daughter a million other ways of how you love her. Your love isn't defined by how you fed her at all!

Every mother has different special things they do that shower their children with love, mine does happen to be cooking... I love cooking for my children and providing them with fresh bread. I also adore having lots of fun on the carpet with our imaginations.

As a counter, my DH doesn't do either of them and shows his love by having camping trips and telling brilliant stories

Changelingbutonlyforme I used some of my freezer milk for DC in place of cows milk in porridge and purees when weaning.
Some people have said they found using it in baths had been good for their baby/toddler's eczema. I've also heard it can be good for nappy rash, but that's not something I tried.

For the mums that didn’t manage breastfeeding first time round, please tell me you didn’t feel guilty
I combi-fed but had always intended to solely breastfeed. I don't feel guilty, mainly because I was lucky enough to get the right support and nothing could change the reasons we needed to combifeed.

In my experience a lot of the guilt tends to emerge where women aren't supported and empowered to make the right choice for them.

For example a mum who chose to formula feed and their children are doing well is unlikely to feel guilt because they make their feeding choice and it was what they wanted and it was right for their family. A mum who wanted to breastfeed but wasn't supported by her partner, HCP, friends and drifted into formula feeding may well feel guilt because they weren't empowered to make the right choice for them at that time.

It's not the method of feeding that is the issue, it's whether the mother at the centre feels supported and empowered to make the choices they want for them and their baby. It's why lots of just give them formula, fed is best, people exaggerate benefits of breastfeeding, I bottle fed mine and they're doing well misses the point.

She won’t love me any less will she? It’s so hard thinking I let her down x

Oh OP, it is hard. I have 3 but for me, I have gone the other way. I BF the first no problems.

Second was in special care for 10 days and never managed to BF. I exclusively pumped for 6 months (that was hell).

I am now on number three and I was so scared that he would got the same way as DS1 that as soon as the midwife said he was losing too much weight and I should add some formula to the mix I did it without thinking. And then he lost his latch started hurting me, etc. and I ended up bottle feeding.

You can't help feeling a little guilty but it is what it is. I am sure you are a fantastic mum! Try and get past it. I think I have come to terms with it now and I am pretty certain I have bonded very well with my last baby.

@SamanthaJol2

She won’t love me any less will she? It’s so hard thinking I let her down x

You know she won’t, and that’s quite offensive to a lot of mums on here if I’m honest. I understand you’re fixating on this one issue but nobody on here is going to be able to stop that, only you can.

@SamanthaJol2

She won’t love me any less will she? It’s so hard thinking I let her down x

Op you need to stop this. You're obsessed, has something triggered this? I didn't breastfeed. I've not felt even one second of guilt. Never even thought about it. Ds is now 12, we are very close, he's never ill, very tall and gets exceeding expectations in everything at school. What's to feel guilt about? My sister breastfed both of hers and they are both ill all of the time. Not sure breastmilk has anything to do with anything.

She won’t love me any less will she? It’s so hard thinking I let her down
Of course she won't.
It's understandable if you have complex emotions linked to your feeding journeys, but they're your feelings from an adult perspective.

A child doesn't grow up with strong feelings about how they were fed as an infant unless their parents push those feelings on them.

It might be worth speaking to someone about your feelings surrounding your feeding journeys and your experiences around some of the choices you made. It might help you come to terms with your decisions and help you move past any feelings of guilt.

I honestly didn’t even think anything of it until I read something on here and made me question my relationship with my daughter

@rainbowandglitter this is exactly what I need to hear!

I didn't manage to bf my first. But I bf my next two until well into toddler years. My first is no less loved and doesn't feel less loved, that's silly to even think that. Whatever works for you. I fully support breastfeeding but it's really not the be all and end all is it. You can definitely offer it to your older child, it will still have benefits.

You can definitely give it to your three year old also If you have lots you can donate to a baby milk bank at your local hospital. Breast milk can really help reduce risks for small and sick babies.
You sound like a lovely mum x

I think I am reading the wrong threads on here. There must be millions of mums in the same boat as me. I have not failed my daughter she is the most beautiful girl and she is thriving!

Thank you @TheVolturi and @Borderterrierpuppy

She definitely won't love you any less.

My mum tells me she breastfed me for 6 months, it was easy for her and then she transitioned onto bottles as was the norm then. She only fed my little sister for a few weeks, because she was a distracted feeder and it was more annoying to feed her, so she stopped. Neither of us feels any different, we wouldn't even have known had the subject not come up when I had babies, and it definitely didn't make us feel any different towards her.

Perhaps it would be helpful to have some counselling about this? You obviously feel let down by your breastfeeding experience, it can be hugely emotional but you have 100% not done anything wrong. Yes, nutrition wise your 3yo's diet now is going to dwarf any amount of breastmilk. Love and bonding wise, the important thing is being present and responsive, and this is not something that can only be achieved by breastfeeding. You are building those bonds every day with your daughter and every day counts.

My dc still breastfeed at 3yo. Plenty of benefits.

Why is it abnormal to give a child human milk but not another mammal's milk?

@user97533676

My dc still breastfeed at 3yo. Plenty of benefits.

Why is it abnormal to give a child human milk but not another mammal's milk?

Who said it’s abnormal?

OP, have you heard of childhood amnesia? Most people as adults have no distinct memories from before the age of 2-4. When’s your earliest memory from? Mine is from starting nursery. This means the vast majority of children, when they grow up, do not remember either being breastfed or bottlefed. The feeling of security a baby or toddler gets from being cuddled up to mum (or dad or another regular caregiver) and having milk is part of what makes them feel safe and loved. Children with parents who love them and look after them attentively grow up knowing they are loved. Sure, breastfeeding does some cool hormonal things (oxytocin is released) that scientists think help bonding. But dads and adoptive parents and foster parents and anyone else who is regularly looking after a newborn baby who is not the mother (and so is extremely unlikely to be breastfeeding that baby) also show hormonal responses (oxytocin again) that are linked to bonding.
Yes, breastfeeding helps bonding between mum and baby. But their are other ways for that same hormonal bonding response to occur. Your child won’t remember whether you breastfed her or not, she will just grow up knowing you love her.

I'm Not sure the fat content would be good for her now, at 3 she needs high calcium from Semi skimmed for teeth and bone growth.

I also don't think a healthy pathway is to give her something to alleviate your feelings of 'guilt'. Where will you draw the line?

You are deff reading the wrong threads. Remember only 20!ears ago women were advised to give formula over breast milk, the return to breast is best is newer than e think.

You did what you needed to do at the time for your daughter to thrive, and she is. Well done.

I think I just want to be the ‘perfect’ mum..doesn’t everybody? Or does it not exist in reality?

Well, I would say that I wasn't perfect before becoming a mum so it's highly unlikely I'd be perfect afterwards.

Children are challenging and rewarding in equal amounts. Do your best to enjoy it without unrealistic pressures. Your kids need you, as you are, not a version of you that you struggle to sustain.

@SamanthaJol2

Has anybody else not breastfed all of their children for whatever reason?

I didn't bf either of mine, I tried, it didn't work out, don't feel an ounce of guilt, they're very healthy happy children

I would add that I think you need to get over the mental block around not breastfeeding as to me it seems that giving breast milk is just papering over the cracks