Should my husband get a say in whether I breast feed?

[RHarrison234]

My second baby has just been born and my husband wants to formula feed so he can feel helpful. He says he feels useless and he should get a say. I want to exclusively breast feed and I always take the baby when she’s hungry (never complain) and I do the nights, husband sleeps upstairs in a separate room so his sleep isn’t disrupted. I think the breast feeding is my decision and if I want to do it he should respect it. Am I wrong?

@jackiebenimble

I breastfed but we still saw it as a team effort.

At bedtime DH played with DC then bathed them and got them ready and presented me with a happy clean baby ready for a feed.

On night feeds. He would pick up DC and do the nappy change and then hand to me and get me a drink and whatever i needed before getting back into bed.

Day time after feed he would do nappies and winding and whatever.

This is what we did. The thing about breastfeeding is that it reduces the total amount of work that needs to be done related to feeding (no washing and sterilising bottles, preparing formula at the right temperature etc), but it forces all of the feeding work on to one parent. If you do want to breastfeed, then using an occasional bottle (either formula or expressed milk) can make feeding the rest of the time more difficult/complicated. This is fine if it’s a situation where it’s needed; it’s always a risk/benefit analysis. To me, there’s no point taking a risk if the only benefit is to let him feel helpful. There are plenty of other baby care tasks to share out, and a lot of ways to be helpful that actually make life easier for everyone.

@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat

Yes, he should get a say, but he doesn't get to make the final decision. That lies with you, if you want to breastfeed.

However, I would strongly advise pumping some milk so that he can feed baby. What if you get sick? What if baby goes through a tough stage and is waking you every 30 mins through the night for weeks on end?

I'm giving examples of things I personally experienced with my second. It is just about possible to do it all yourself, but why the hell would you when you have your partner right there?

It's totally possible to do it all yourself and often easier. Pumping is a faff. I did try it with my second because, like you, I thought it would be easier if baby took a bottle. But all the sterilising, sitting there pumping with two kids who both wanted me, or leaving baby upset with DH so I could sit putting the milk intended for baby into an intermediary- no thanks. Not for me. It's often easier to just do it yourself and for me that was certainly the case.

Also, it wasn't worth the effort anyway. Baby still refused the bottle.

@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat what do you think people did for centuries before pumps were around? Babies are resilient and will accept formula or breastmilk in a cup in an emergency situation. If a woman doesn't want to pump she absolutely doesn't have to.

It's totally possible to do it all yourself and often easier.

Yes its possible, i cant see how it could ever be easier. With my first (ff) I got 7 hour stretches of sleep from day 1 as we alternated. That was EASY!

With my second (bf + bottle refuser) I did it all. There was a 6m stage where I didnt sleep for more than 3 consecutive hours. I've had to feed on the toilet when I've had a stomach bug, whilst having fevers, when I've already been up 15 times that night. I felt normal after my ff baby. I was so run down after my second one thst a regular cold would take me at least a month to get over. How is that easier? Bottle admin took 15m a day (which he did).

This isnt to say that bf is bad, its just all on one person, and i cant see how that could be easier unless the dad is taking a very peripheral family role.

Well what's easier obviously depends on your personal circumstances.
I would never have got a full night's sleep even if DH had been doing night feeds. I would have had to sleep in a different building not to wake every time one of my babies did. In fact I tended to wake up a moment or two before they did, presumably because I was sensing some change in their behaviour as a prelude to waking. On the other hand, I am married to a man who has quite literally slept through the burglar alarm going off in the house. The likelihood of him waking for a crying baby before me is something akin to me winning the lottery. And I don't buy a ticket.
Given the choice of hearing the baby wake, spending the next 5 minutes shaking DH to wake him up, then comforting now presumably screaming baby whilst semi comatose husband goes downstairs to sort a bottle out, or just picking up grizzly baby and latching them on, then I certainly know what I'd find easier.
Add to that the fact that I found it very difficult to express. Even though I bf for about a decade in total including several years of tandem feeding I always struggled to get anything with a pump, unless I'd missed a feed for some reason and was very engorged in which case I might manage a couple of ounces. I would probably have had to add in several pumping sessions a day to get enough for a night feed. I don't think that would have made my life easier at all.
Alternating nights would almost certainly have led to me needing to express for comfort in the middle of the night on my "night off" anyway and I don't think that's easier than just feeding the baby either.
And you need to consider the risks to longer term breastfeeding from this kind of pattern, especially if done from the beginning. Obviously some Mums and babies do manage it, but plenty won't. Not every baby will develop bottle preference of course, but some will, plus missing night feeds can have a big impact on supply for some women, because prolactin levels are at their highest at night. Whilst it clearly works for some, I personally didn't want to risk either of those problems arising..
What is easy and useful for one person won't be for another and lots of parents find their partner doing things other than feed baby much more useful. For me, sharing feeding would have made extra work, given me extra worries and probably not increased my sleep anyway.

I dunno why people are still bothering to comment on this, OP clearly posted it and then can't be bothered to actually read/respond to any of the questions asked. May as well have not bothered.

[quote Claralaura]@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat what do you think people did for centuries before pumps were around? Babies are resilient and will accept formula or breastmilk in a cup in an emergency situation. If a woman doesn't want to pump she absolutely doesn't have to.[/quote]
I think people hand expressed and had wet nurses, some babies died, some were fed by aunties and friends etc. All sorts of things really. Why is that relevant to OP's situation?

@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat you were the one that brought up the strong recommendation for pumping despite the fact that the OP never expressed any interest in pumping. Women have been nourishing their babies with breastmilk since the start of mankind and if she doesn't want to pump she doesn't have to. There is absolutely no reason why she shouldn't continue to happily ebf if that's working for her.