Should my husband get a say in whether I breast feed?

[RHarrison234]

My second baby has just been born and my husband wants to formula feed so he can feel helpful. He says he feels useless and he should get a say. I want to exclusively breast feed and I always take the baby when she’s hungry (never complain) and I do the nights, husband sleeps upstairs in a separate room so his sleep isn’t disrupted. I think the breast feeding is my decision and if I want to do it he should respect it. Am I wrong?

It concerns his child, but it doesn’t concern his body, does it?

@Collaborate he says formula feed she says breast feed, her choice is better for baby so game over.

My exh told me to "get the baby off the tit NOW!" It was al about control and so he could boast to people that he was knackered from doing night feeds ( he didn't)

Note: he's an ex. Bastard

@hotmeatymilk

It concerns his child, but it doesn’t concern his body, does it?

It doesn't concern OP's body if the baby is bottle fed. You could deploy that argument if he was telling her she must breast feed and she didn't want to. Not much use to you here.

[quote Claralaura]@Collaborate he says formula feed she says breast feed, her choice is better for baby so game over.[/quote]
Not game over. Game is just beginning. It’s called negotiate a compromise.

@Collaborate she's EBF if she was to stop immediately and give formula she would get engorged and very sore.

The argument is ridiculous anyway because its 2 people with different requests but only one choice is the logical solution.

1. She wants to breastfeed. Why presumably she chose to do this not for her own benefit but to lower the babies risk of childhood cancers, SIDS, pass antibodies (particularly during a global pandemic), reduce obesity and increase the babies lifelong tcells (among other things). It's best for baby.

1. He wants her to formula feed for his benefit because he wants to feed the baby.

@PlanDeRaccordement what compromise is there which wouldn't involve her putting her body through extra work via pumping?
A good father wouldn't be selfish enough to put his own needs ahead of his tiny baby

It doesn't concern OP's body if the baby is bottle fed. You could deploy that argument if he was telling her she must breast feed and she didn't want to. Not much use to you here.
Your body gears up for milk before the baby is born – and OP says the baby has just been born. So she’s begun breastfeeding (I’m assuming she didn’t post this from the hospital bed before the first feed). Her milk has presumably already come in. Of course stopping and switching to formula concerns her body. And it would concern her body if the baby weren’t yet born, because hormonal she’d be gearing up to feed. If someone had said “no” to me in those early days I’d have fought like a tiger because my body wanted to do this. And that’s why he doesn’t get a say.

My point is that it concerns only two people - the parents. Plenty of strangers on this thread, none of whom it concerns, seem to think one of the actual parents doesn’t get a say. It’s like asking the Taliban for an opinion sometimes on this site.

@Collaborate the parent who's breasts are currently nourishing this newborn asked a question "should my husband get a say in whether I breastfeed" and people are answering her question with their opinions..... are you confused on how message boards work?
In my opinion any decent father would just be over the moon that their tiny baby was getting the milk that was specifically designed for them especially when we live in a time where antibodies are more important than ever. To even suggest denying the child of that just so you can get a turn feeding the baby is incredibly selfish.

He has the right to have a say about how his child is fed, but not based on the need to validate his own feelings. His priority should be what's best for your baby, not what makes him feel 'useful'.

[quote Claralaura]@PlanDeRaccordement what compromise is there which wouldn't involve her putting her body through extra work via pumping?
A good father wouldn't be selfish enough to put his own needs ahead of his tiny baby[/quote]
? Sorry but pumping instead of getting up and breastfeeding in the night is LESS work? Not more work.

And it’s not the father “putting his own needs ahead of baby” the situation is a father wanting to contribute to the feeding and night wakings to help his wife and to also bond with the baby, which is actually in the best interest of the baby and the mother.

@PlanDeRaccordement it absolutely is more work! When baby is sleeping she cannot rest, she will have to go pump (if she can pump) you won't pump enough immediately it can take weeks and if he gives a bottle during the night (which seems unlikely from what the OP said about him sleeping in another room so that baby doesn't disturb him) the mothers breasts won't get the memo so she will get engorged and have to hand express that's absolutely fine if she wants to do that but she doesn't.
The father is suggesting formula so he is putting his own needs ahead of the baby. His wife has been clear that she wants to ebf so he's not helping her either.

Sorry absolutely NO - pumping is awful. Really awful. Much more work and absolutely soul destroying unless you happen to be able to get loads out. Few can.

I remember having a terrible week with DC1 at 8 weeks. Refusing breast, had to pump. It’s the tiredest I’ve ever been.

Surely you wouldn't need to actively pump, but just put a hakaa the other side?

Sorry but pumping instead of getting up and breastfeeding in the night is LESS work? Not more work.
That is not my experience. Night wakings: didn’t open my eyes or sit upright or do much except clamp baby to nipple. Stayed in bed horizontal all night. Tiring but not hard. Woke anyway when DD cried but it wasn’t for a feed/DP was on duty, so having someone else on duty wouldn’t have made a difference.

But pumping was hell on toast. Baby on floor/with DP/having a rare cot nap, shall I have a tea, or a lie down, or a stare into space? Nope, gotta sterilise and pump and clean and do something. Then she wouldn’t always accept a bottle and hours of work literally down the drain. No, thank you.

@Moonbabysmum I never got a drop from a haaka not everyone leaks.

My husband bottle few our DD with expressed breast milk. She had half her feeds with me and the rest with DH. We were concerned she might get confused but she did not

@hotmeatymilk this was my experience too. So much easier to just sleepily feed at night. Pumping was my hell, I never got enough to feed a mouse let alone a growing baby.

@Claralaura I once got loads in a haaka because I was fairly leaky, but DD was also fairly flaily and hit it with a fist – flew off my boob with a toilet plunger noise and yes, I did cry over spilled milk. I was so, so much happier when I stopped trying to pump and save leaks and emulate other people for whom it worked, and just fed. Like you I wouldn’t view pumping as a compromise for the OP at all.

@hotmeatymilk

Sorry but pumping instead of getting up and breastfeeding in the night is LESS work? Not more work. That is not my experience. Night wakings: didn’t open my eyes or sit upright or do much except clamp baby to nipple. Stayed in bed horizontal all night. Tiring but not hard. Woke anyway when DD cried but it wasn’t for a feed/DP was on duty, so having someone else on duty wouldn’t have made a difference.

But pumping was hell on toast. Baby on floor/with DP/having a rare cot nap, shall I have a tea, or a lie down, or a stare into space? Nope, gotta sterilise and pump and clean and do something. Then she wouldn’t always accept a bottle and hours of work literally down the drain. No, thank you.

Well it was my experience. I did not bed share with my babies as that is an unsafe sleeping practice. Not did I feed them eyes closed, lying down and half awake as that is also unsafe as they can choke on the milk. And they still need to be burped after a feed and usually a nappy change...or did you just let them sleep in a wet nappy?

Pumping was easy. Just pump from one breast while feeding the baby with the other. Zero extra time. And voila a bottle for DH to use during a night time waking.

@hotmeatymilk omg nightmare I'd cry! i think some women do great with pumping and I'm sure if you get into a rhythm that works for you it would become easier but that effort should only happen because the woman wants it to not because some guy has a distorted idea that you need to feed a baby from a bottle to be a father.

I feel very old fashioned here. Mothers are made with hormones and breasts to nourish children.Anything else is to some extent a compromise.
Experience would tell me that you may find breast feeding goes well and you may not. You may have a baby who sleeps well and you may not.Expressing might be straightforward and it may not.No e of these things can be known until your child is here.Your partner's role in all of this is as a supporter to his DP and child . What is best for mother and baby at any given time.
To add to all the anecdata DC 1 was a terrifically efficient feeder from the start and although I didn't pump I am absolutely certain that I could have pumped very well with her , I used to squirt everywhere.. As she only fed 3-4 hourly and for a very few minutes there was no need for complications.DC2 was a very inefficient feeder and the thought of spending any more time in the day being milked in those first 6 months would have been horrific. Those were the days when one went back to work at 12 weeks post delivery and I left my child minder a bottle of formula of which he would have a little.
DC3 was a good but frequent feeder. He had numerous hospital stays in babyhood including one in ITU. Despite pumping away like mad , nothing appeared and I was, luckily, able to breast feed him on the iTU as otherwise it would have been formula. As described above I am not against formula as such but it would have felt like second best when I had a good supply despite the fact that a pump couldn't extract it!

@PlanDeRaccordement Good for you, but I did not find pumping easy. Nor was my other breast accessible when feeding DD.

And of course I let her sleep in a nappy if she hadn’t pooed. They’re not wet. Once yours slept through did you keep poking them awake to refresh their nappies? It’s perfectly OK to leave babies in a nappy, and I rejoiced the minute the nighttime pops stopped because it was one less thing to do at night.

And planned bed sharing is perfectly safe – but only if you’re breastfeeding, which is another reason why OP’s DH shouldn’t be bullying her into formula feeding. Bed sharing is a game changer during sleep regressions.

Sorry but I disagree with the majority on this one. The baby is just as much his as yours. Perhaps compromise by trying to pump the occasional bottle? Once per day? If you can and only if baby will take it of course.

With that being said, there's always the chance the baby may just refuse any bottle, regardless of contents.

All I'm saying is, to completely shut him down on the basis of it being your choice because it's your body, is not fair at all. It's a joint decision