Should my husband get a say in whether I breast feed?

[RHarrison234]

My second baby has just been born and my husband wants to formula feed so he can feel helpful. He says he feels useless and he should get a say. I want to exclusively breast feed and I always take the baby when she’s hungry (never complain) and I do the nights, husband sleeps upstairs in a separate room so his sleep isn’t disrupted. I think the breast feeding is my decision and if I want to do it he should respect it. Am I wrong?

@GeorgiaMcGraw

He thinks his feelings are more important than baby's health, immune system, bond with mother, mother's health? There are so many health benefits to breastfeeding for you and baby, if you can do it, why would he want you both to miss out? He needs a bloody sharp wake up call.

Way to make formula feeding mums feel inadequate! Especially those who had no choice thanks to zero supply. There's plenty of women who had that happen. Please choose your words a little more carefully in future, despite how deluded they may be

No he doesn't.
He can express an opinion of course, but it's ultimately your decision.

I breastfed but we still saw it as a team effort.

At bedtime DH played with DC then bathed them and got them ready and presented me with a happy clean baby ready for a feed.

On night feeds. He would pick up DC and do the nappy change and then hand to me and get me a drink and whatever i needed before getting back into bed.

Day time after feed he would do nappies and winding and whatever.

@Almostmenopausal

Sorry but I disagree with the majority on this one. The baby is just as much his as yours. Perhaps compromise by trying to pump the occasional bottle? Once per day? If you can and only if baby will take it of course.

With that being said, there's always the chance the baby may just refuse any bottle, regardless of contents.

All I'm saying is, to completely shut him down on the basis of it being your choice because it's your body, is not fair at all. It's a joint decision

Would you say the same if OP was dead set against breast feeding and the husband wanted her to? I can see where you are coming from, but reversed the situation would be awful so I'd have to go with OP on this one.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

There are safe ways to co-sleep.

@Almostmenopausal agree completely!
The breast is best and non-negotiable brigade is quite anxiety inducing on this thread.
Dad’s matter too, there are 2 parents.

@Almostmenopausal we can't mention the benefits of breastfeeding? The title of the thread is clear, I think anyone who could be triggered by the positives of breastfeeding would have known not to read this thread.

It's not a "joint decision" it's her body she gets too choose what she wants to do with it. If she doesn't want to pump she doesn't want to pump end of story.
Should he get a say in how the baby is delivered maybe a csection is more contender convenient for him? Absolutely not. A woman is entitled to her bodily autonomy and should not be forced to pump just because a man can't figure out how to feel like a dad without feeding from a bottle.

@Almostmenopausal That poster literally says “if you can do it”! Not “everyone can do it” or “everyone should do it”. And we’re discussing an OP who has already begun breastfeeding and hasn’t stated a problem with supply or any other problem except a husband who wants her to adjust her body for his benefit. It’s not a “breast is best” conversation that shits on formula mums, it’s a “no, dads don’t get a fucking say” conversation.

Not everyone gets a say in everything, and babies are possessions to be split 50/50 with a dotted Sharpie line down the middle because one parent wants formula and one wants breastmilk: it’s very much up to the person whose breasts are in question to make that decision, either way.

*aren’t

Fucking autocorrect

I had a similar conversation. They are now an ex husband. Trying to control how a baby is fed to make them feel special and involved, when there is literally everything else still up for grabs regarding helping, is a dick move.

" just pump from one breast while feeding baby from the other" - how many hands do you have?

People who say that's easy are the same people who say things like "popping to the shops" or cleaning the kitchen take "two minutes" and expect everyone to concur out of shame that it takes them twenty times as long, when in fact neither task takes anyone two minutes...

Of course pumping is a lot of work, and telling someone to "just" pump having told them earlier that it doesn't have anything to do with their body is confused and deluded at best.

Nobody changes wet nappies after a feed - thats pretty cruel as it wakes the baby back up for no reason. Anyone who has actually cared for a baby long term knows that napoies absorb the urine and the baby stays dry - only poos need changing at night.

When my 2nd was born DH often took baby. I felt this was the easier option as actually DC 2 slept for most of the day when they weren't feeding, so DH could hold baby/have on his lap while watching TV, chatting to family/friends or not actually "do" anything....whereas I would have much rather he played with older DC who was much more demanding of attention/interaction. (I did the night waking for both and was bf)

@PlanDeRaccordement

He’s used to undisturbed sleep, as if he’s going to get up and do bottles for all the night feeds!

Why ever not? Women are used to undisturbed sleep before baby too, and yet we are expected to just get on with night feeds. Why is it different expectation for men? I expected my DH to do the night feeds with me. And he did them all.

Oh I totally agree but this particular DH doesn’t have a track record of doing so. He’s used to sleeping in another room. If this were their first I’d have hope with those expectations. In this case I don’t.

Without understanding the full situation, I’m not of the opinion the husband is an awful guy! With my first we were told by doctors to give one bottle of formula as he was struggling to put on weight. We made this the midnight feed so husband could do it and I could get a decent stretch of sleep. With our second we’ve done this again from 2 weeks. She doesn’t need it but he missed that bonding time and wanted to help me (as well as helping with all sorts during the day). I still wake to pump but it’s a much quicker job, and without the PFB mindset this time, one bottle a day isn’t going to hurt her!

@Skeumorph

Wow, no.

Total red flag that he should want to prevent you for his benefit.

Is he overbearing in other ways?

Beyond alarming that he feels negatively about one of the most positive things you can do for your baby. Puts his feelings above the baby's welfare. Wants to dilute or come between your bond?

Big red flag.

I totally agree Speak to your HV for some support on this and do not stop at his request he sounds awful

Nope.

@femfemlicious

I think the way that women are advised to respond to their husbands on here is very damaging to marriages. Poster its not about"does he have the right". This is your husband , has your relationship degenerated to the point that you cannot talk things through nicely. He would like to feed the baby, thats a good thing, why is the OP being advised to respond in such hostile terms.

Poster for me i would approach your husband calmly and explain your reasons for wanting to ebf. Also compromise and agree on when he can bottle feed baby expressed milk. Unless you already hate each other then you can be hostile.

So glad someone has said it. All this OTT shite about ‘massive red flags’ and ‘controlling behaviour’ and what a dad ‘gets to do’. The man wants to feed his own baby, big deal.

All the OP has to do is allow him into how she’s feeling so he can understand for himself.

From a FTM to a 3 day old newborn that I can’t even feed because she needs special help from neonatal nurses. It’s sucks when you feel you can’t do even the basics for your baby.

Yes, he should get a say, but he doesn't get to make the final decision. That lies with you, if you want to breastfeed.

However, I would strongly advise pumping some milk so that he can feed baby. What if you get sick? What if baby goes through a tough stage and is waking you every 30 mins through the night for weeks on end?

I'm giving examples of things I personally experienced with my second. It is just about possible to do it all yourself, but why the hell would you when you have your partner right there?

I don't get why some people feel that the only way to be 'involved' with a baby is to feed him/her formula. There are so many other things that could be done, changing dirty nappies for example, but no, they don't want to do that, do they? When I was expecting my first friend said to me ' Only you can feed your baby exactly what s/he needs' your DH can do something for you when you are feeding like preparing a meal putting on the washing etc'.
Op stick to your guns, do what suits you and your LO not your husband. Does the toilet require a deep clean?

BTW I had plenty of milk but just could NOT pump, so I didn't bother with that. Get him to do something else that helps you.

@loislovesstewie me too!! I fed my little ones for 13 months but could never get a drop of milk from a pump. I rented a hospital grade pump, watched videos and pictures of the babies but just couldn't induce a letdown. It was painful and soul destroying, I was doing it to my body because I wanted to do it. I cannot imagine being forced to do it just because my husband couldn't figure out how to be a dad without feeding from a bottle.

If you are exclusively BF he can be helpful by making you a cup of tea and bringing you biscuits EVERY time you feed.

Can you express? If you can and if baby will take a bottle let him do a couple of nights, just him.

Oh and he needs to sterilise the bottles, clean the pump etc, he won't last long.

Oh and if you can breast feed that is best for your baby, that should override everything else.

By helpful, does this mean he will split the bought wake ups?
Because if not, then no way. Breastfeeding is so much easier during the night wake ups than bottles!

@soapboxqueen

No.

Agree!