Should my husband get a say in whether I breast feed?

[RHarrison234]

My second baby has just been born and my husband wants to formula feed so he can feel helpful. He says he feels useless and he should get a say. I want to exclusively breast feed and I always take the baby when she’s hungry (never complain) and I do the nights, husband sleeps upstairs in a separate room so his sleep isn’t disrupted. I think the breast feeding is my decision and if I want to do it he should respect it. Am I wrong?

@Skeumorph

And it isn't about 'feeling helpful', is it?

Because there are so many millions of ways in which his help will literally be a godsend, and make life easier for you all, especially you.

But that's not what he wants. In fact, I suspect that as this is your second baby, he can see full well where his help should be going, and how essential it is, and that's why he doesn't want to do it, because he feels he should be the most important person with the central role not the supporting one.

He wants to be the one sitting feeding the baby, while you wash up/cook/clean/do laundry.

He wants to be the one in charge

He wants to be the one taking control while you support him.

None of these are good signs.

Spot on!

Other cynical but valid explanations:
-he's bluffing cause he knows you won't take him up on the offer, but he can use it as ammunition for when you ask him to help in other ways ("Oh but I offered to help with the feeds and YOU said no! "
-he sees boobs as sexual objects only and the breastfeeding would interfere with that. Or he's possibly thinking they might sag or something and trying to prevent that

He can literally do ALL the other care for the baby apart from feeding, so let him crack on @RHarrison234. See what his response to that is.

Does he have skin to skin contact with the baby? That's a good way of developing their relationship, and is something special for them.

You aren't wrong at all.

And I wouldn't express just so he can bottle expressed milk (unless you actually want to because it will help you- but with a newborn it could interfere with successful breastfeeding).

My DH changed nearly all nappies for the first few weeks. He also held the baby at night and did all the housework, and cut up my food for me so I could eat it one handed while breastfeeding. There's plenty your DH can do to be useful apart from feeding.

Another question - what's he like now with your first?

Is he generally engaged and an equal parent? Will he do the boring shitwork or just the fun daddy role? Or does he go too much the other way and tries to cut you out of everyday care, responsibility, closeness?

In a nutshell, the no breastfeeding 'request' is not a positive, normal or loving request in any way, especially for someone who's already a dad. The reasoning behind it is unclear, but there must be one. Get to the nitty gritty of it and it will tell you where this red flag lies.

But it goes without saying - you breastfeed. For as long as you like and possibly longer, as this point needs to be made to him - not a good request. Not a good look on a father.

I think the way that women are advised to respond to their husbands on here is very damaging to marriages. Poster its not about"does he have the right". This is your husband , has your relationship degenerated to the point that you cannot talk things through nicely. He would like to feed the baby, thats a good thing, why is the OP being advised to respond in such hostile terms.

Poster for me i would approach your husband calmly and explain your reasons for wanting to ebf. Also compromise and agree on when he can bottle feed baby expressed milk. Unless you already hate each other then you can be hostile.

My husband did everything linked to night time wake ups except feed the babies. He'd put the baby in my arms for me to feed.

Now that was helpful. And it was exactly what my father did in the 70s, so not a new idea either.

No. Absolutely your decision.

As pp have said, there are many ways he can help and bond with the baby.

Congrats on your baby!

Unless he intends to do all night feeds and bottle washing he can stfu!!
My dh and ds are extremely close and I bf. Did mixed feeding from 3 months as I went back to work pt...

He would like to feed the baby, thats a good thing, why is the OP being advised to respond in such hostile terms.

Because requesting that the OP not breastfeed her baby for his wants to take priority is not a good thing, it is a very bad thing.

@femfemlicious

I think the way that women are advised to respond to their husbands on here is very damaging to marriages. Poster its not about"does he have the right". This is your husband , has your relationship degenerated to the point that you cannot talk things through nicely. He would like to feed the baby, thats a good thing, why is the OP being advised to respond in such hostile terms.

Poster for me i would approach your husband calmly and explain your reasons for wanting to ebf. Also compromise and agree on when he can bottle feed baby expressed milk. Unless you already hate each other then you can be hostile.

You might be right about the hostility. It depends on the ops relationship with her DH and it's possible he just doesn't understand and a calm conversation the way forward. But the health of the baby is the priority so if the mother wants be breastfeed she should be supported to do so. She absolutely should not feel she nee to compromise and express - it's not recommended by the NHS to express until breastfeeding established because it can (sometimes) interfere with successful feeding. It's also double the amount of work than feeding from your breast (obviously some woman may chose to do so and it works for them but definitely most people I know found it more work not less)

Yeah I mean he’s wrong but it seems a bit much to be shouting about red flags it’s unlikely to be that deep. I doubt he thought it through much past “I want a go of feeding too”. Again not right but its jumping the gun to scream abuse when he might just be thoughtless.

No he doesn’t.

I had the opposite - XH pressurised me to breastfeed when I almost died giving birth then had PTSD and anxiety and was in a terrible physical state. I was engorged but producing very little milk, my nipples were bleeding, and the baby couldn't latch on. He kept on telling me that I needed to keep doing it because it was better for the baby, the baby wouldn't thrive on bottles, wouldn't get any immunity and it would be my fault, etc, etc, etc. It was over 20 years ago and I have not forgiven him. Bottles were my salvation. It is not up to your husband how you feed your baby.

@AvocadoOrange for me i didnt see where the poster said the husband says do not breastfeed. He said he wants to formula feed. People on here have paraphrased. Im guessing he wants to do combined breast and formula. She didnt say he doesnt want her to breastfeed. She hasnt said she has tried to discuss it with him and he insisted. So why the knee jerk advice for her to be hostile and probably escalate the conflict. I havent seen what he has done that is so wrong here . Marriage is about compromise.

I’m 29 weeks pregnant and this makes me rage! If this was my partner I’d be leaving, maybe a bit much but that’s how strongly I feel about it right now 🙈

No.

And he's very selfish to put his wish to "feel useful" over what is best for his child.

[quote femfemlicious]@AvocadoOrange for me i didnt see where the poster said the husband says do not breastfeed. He said he wants to formula feed. People on here have paraphrased. Im guessing he wants to do combined breast and formula. She didnt say he doesnt want her to breastfeed. She hasnt said she has tried to discuss it with him and he insisted. So why the knee jerk advice for her to be hostile and probably escalate the conflict. I havent seen what he has done that is so wrong here . Marriage is about compromise.[/quote]
I was agreeing with you re. the hostility and talking should be the first step.
But I don't agree on the compromise of combined feeding or expressing (unless the OP decides she wants/needs to do that herself) - it's in the interests of the health of the baby and mother to exclusively breastfeed if it's working for them.

He absolutely shouldn't be putting himself before you and your baby. I do agree with what others have said- after a few weeks of bottle feeding, the novelty will wear off. You do what's best for you and baby. You'll end up resenting him if you relent just to keep him happy.

As a side note, I'm still breastfeeding my 15mo. There have been times when my husband has felt 'useless' because he feels limited in what he can do. However, he does help in lots of ways. He would never try to stop me breastfeeding. I think it comes down to a lack of confidence ultimately. Perhaps try reminding him of all the good things he currently does to help and what he can do when baby arrives. It's good to set out your expectations now to avoid later friction.

Good luck xx

@Skeumorph

And it isn't about 'feeling helpful', is it?

Because there are so many millions of ways in which his help will literally be a godsend, and make life easier for you all, especially you.

But that's not what he wants. In fact, I suspect that as this is your second baby, he can see full well where his help should be going, and how essential it is, and that's why he doesn't want to do it, because he feels he should be the most important person with the central role not the supporting one.

He wants to be the one sitting feeding the baby, while you wash up/cook/clean/do laundry.

He wants to be the one in charge

He wants to be the one taking control while you support him.

None of these are good signs.

All of this.

Does your partner get to choose if you feed your baby tailor made human milk made just for your human baby or artificial milk? No!
There are so many other things he can do- burp after feed, bath, nappy changes, sleepy cuddles after a feed, pop baby in a carrier.
Feeding isn’t the only way to bond with a baby!

I don't know. I think it should be a discussion between you both as parents, taking into account all the circumstances.

We ff our first, alternated the nights, took equal time off work etc. The result is a baby (and now child) that bonded with us equally.

Our second we tried to mix feed, but baby refused bottles so I EBF. Bear in mind that my husband this time took more time off than me, and is fully involved in every aspect of parenting, nappies, slingy walks, pacing the house, everything that wasn't feeding, and baby bonded far more with me. He has tried repeatedly but it's taken until she's gone 2 that she'll sometimes accept him at night wakes.

If he wants to give the odd bottles, and then disappear off to the spare room, then I say jog on. He didn't just hey to cherry pick the nicer bits! But if he wants to be equally involved, give a bottle at night so you can sleep more, AND does the majority of baby care and admin (plus house chores) when he's home, then I think mix feeding is a more reasonable request.

But surely all this should be a discussion now either of your making demands, or taking about rights. It's about what is best for your family.

@RHarrison234 please can you come back and tell us if your husband says do not breastfeed at all or if he wants combined feeding. If he says do not breastfeed be as hostile as you want to be😁. If not please sit down and discuss with him.

Why can’t you pump so he can do a few night time feeds? That’s what I did. I had to learn to pump anyway for going back to work.

He can’t tell you to or not to breastfeed, but breastfeeding doesn’t mean he can’t ever feed the baby either.

Is this for real?

No, he doesn't get a say in what you do with the milk in your breasts. Tell him to change some nappies and do some laundry and feed and care for your other child if he's feeling useless.

Is he also sulking because he didn't get to give birth?