Should my husband get a say in whether I breast feed?

[RHarrison234]

My second baby has just been born and my husband wants to formula feed so he can feel helpful. He says he feels useless and he should get a say. I want to exclusively breast feed and I always take the baby when she’s hungry (never complain) and I do the nights, husband sleeps upstairs in a separate room so his sleep isn’t disrupted. I think the breast feeding is my decision and if I want to do it he should respect it. Am I wrong?

I can give your husband a list of 100 things he can do to be helpful around a new mother and I don’t even know you. Come on, it’s not that hard for him to come up with some ideas. So no, he doesn’t get a say at all.

It sounds as though he wants to put his feet up and feed the baby and watch TV while you do all the other chores.

No of course not.
His attitude is a bit strange as you won't be breastfeeding 24/7. He can take the baby the rest of the time.
There is a massive list of things he can be doing to bond and be helpful.
My DH said he was glad I breastfed as when the baby started crying I could put them on the breast quickly and no more crying baby, especially true when we were out and about.

I felt so protective over DS when he was born it would have been a huge issue if DH insisted on FF. It just wasn't what I wanted.
Thankfully he was as keen for me to BF as I was. If we have a 2nd child, I'll be happy to share the load though! I might express and let him do some bottles at night.

So your h sleeps in a separate room so his sleep isn’t disrupted, yet he wants to ff? Doesn't he realise he'd get less sleep then? If he ever actually heard the baby and got up, that is...

YANBU. BNFing is totally your decision. It's best for the baby, if you can, and your h doesn't have a say. As others say, there are millions of other things he can do to bond with the baby.

How is your relationship generally?

When we gave DS his first ever bottle - at about 3 weeks - I let DH give it to him. His face, and his happiness, was palpable.....

... BUT EVEN WITH A BOTTLE HE NEVER ONCE TRIED TO INSIST HE FED DS.

Sorry for shouting but this makes me so mad. The selfishness of men who think that the baby and mother's benefit should be replaced in favour of their preferences is outrageous.

And agree with PP - he doesn't want to feed the baby so much as reduce doing less fun chores.

My ex tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to breastfeed, I ignored him

He wants to feed your joint child in a less optimal way so he can feel helpful

not so he can be helpful

says it all.

No - there might be situations in which father gets a say in newborn feeding - for example where a baby is clearly failing to thrive or a mother seriously harming her own health out of misplaced guilt at struggling to breastfeed an effectively needing psychologically "permission" to let herself stop, or where a mother is perhaps having to take medication harmful to the feeding baby and for some reason not wanting to stop breastfeeding - but those situations don't apply.

This is just about him, not about what's right for the baby nor about helping you. So no.

My immediate response was no.

But , I would like to ask if feeding is going well? BF is obviously very demanding and he could be worried about you. If what I just said makes no sense then please ignore!

Congratulations op.

Massive red flag. Huge.

By claiming to want to be helpful, he's being about as utterly unhelpful as he can be. And selfish. As PP have said, there are countless ways he can be helpful, including those that allow him to bond with the baby at the same time. Point these out to him and then ask him what this is all really about? Because the cynical part of me agrees with the posters who think it's about control and laziness.

Honestly, I think his attitude is chilling.
He cares about him, nothing about the babies health, your bond with baby etc etc but only about himself.
I think it's red flag territory.

Your husband is a twat. This can't possibly be the only issue you have with this man.

Best case scenario, he’s trying to be helpful but he’s stupid. Worst case, he’s a controlling weirdo

Thats a no from me.

Bath time, nappies, winding, baby massage, stories and bedtime - yes

Dictating how you feed - no

@Derbee

Best case scenario, he’s trying to be helpful but he’s stupid. Worst case, he’s a controlling weirdo

I’m afraid it’s the latter…I agree that this is red flag territory.

@Skeumorph

And it isn't about 'feeling helpful', is it?

Because there are so many millions of ways in which his help will literally be a godsend, and make life easier for you all, especially you.

But that's not what he wants. In fact, I suspect that as this is your second baby, he can see full well where his help should be going, and how essential it is, and that's why he doesn't want to do it, because he feels he should be the most important person with the central role not the supporting one.

He wants to be the one sitting feeding the baby, while you wash up/cook/clean/do laundry.

He wants to be the one in charge

He wants to be the one taking control while you support him.

None of these are good signs.

This, with bells on.

Selfish bugger, wanting to deprive his own child of the healthiest start in life just so he can prance about feeling 'helpful'. What a bellend.

my husband wants to formula feed so he can feel helpful. He says he feels useless

He has a newborn child and he can’t find anything to do?

DH got frustrated with the early stage where he wanted to be helpful and felt he couldn't.

It does pass quickly. I think by around 10 weeks baby has been fine with DH for longer periods (up to a couple of hours).

In the meantime, what I found most helpful was him trying to think ahead to anticipate my needs, so pointing out if it was a good time to shower and offering to distract/hold/rock the baby. Doing nappies (particularly taking him to another room to do middle of the night nappies). Holding the baby in the bath - also nice skin-to-skin opportunity for dad and nicer than nappies. Making me food, and cutting it up. Taking the baby for a walk in pram/sling is also another one that sometimes works.

No

There are a billion ways he could be helpful.

It makes me wonder if he wants to do feeds so he can avoid doing something else. Maybe I’m just being cynical.

No.

I would be more sympathetic if he was asking for his child to be breastfed as it is more beneficial etc.But to put his needs above the child's not ok.
I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and I am planning to pump as well .But thats for the baby (in case I need to be somewhere etc) not for my partners benefit.

Not his decision at all. Enjoy your baby and remind of how helpful changing nappies is, and washing clothes, and cleaning, and bath time (I could go on).

Taking the baby for a walk in pram/sling is also another one that sometimes works.

That reminded me of my DH who carried our two babies around a lot in a sling (when I wasn't breastfeeding), especially when we went out.
It freed me up and he really enjoyed it.
Do you have a sling he could use ?

I did a bit of expressing so my DH could do feeds when I wanted a break or a sleep. It worked very well for us.