Should my husband get a say in whether I breast feed?

[RHarrison234]

My second baby has just been born and my husband wants to formula feed so he can feel helpful. He says he feels useless and he should get a say. I want to exclusively breast feed and I always take the baby when she’s hungry (never complain) and I do the nights, husband sleeps upstairs in a separate room so his sleep isn’t disrupted. I think the breast feeding is my decision and if I want to do it he should respect it. Am I wrong?

Given the indisputable benefits of breastfeeding to baby (and mum) I think he is being unbelievably selfish. Maybe he thinks formula feeding is the same thing? Does he understand the benefits of breastfeeding?

@PlanDeRaccordement I agree, but when they get older, it's not always just as excuse either.

When we failed to mix feed, we tried so hard to ensure baby had an equal bond with us both, but neither of us were/are willing for her to scream until she vomits because she wants me.

Irrespective of feeding methods, what often seems to happen is that mum does most of of because she's on leave, she knows baby's routines, habits etc so much more. Dad doesnt do much because he 'needs to sleep' (usually because he's has a 'job that needs sleep') so the baby gets used to it being mum. Then mum goes back to work, but still does the night wakings because seemingly even when women do the same job, we can manage on less sleep, and its harder to challenge the status quo, and then months and years later you have dads that barely know how to parent. Getting balance from the start really helps prevent this.

Exactly @2bazookas. There are loads of way he can be involved in baby care beyond the actual feeding. EBF doesn’t mean not being hands on with the baby.

Why should OP express when there are loads of other ways he can be involved? He’s used to undisturbed sleep, as if he’s going to get up and do bottles for all the night feeds!

@Moonbabysmum
Exactly. Perhaps excuse was wrong word to use on my part. They’re valid reasons, but often self created. In your case, not self created because you’d tried.

He’s used to undisturbed sleep, as if he’s going to get up and do bottles for all the night feeds!

Why ever not? Women are used to undisturbed sleep before baby too, and yet we are expected to just get on with night feeds. Why is it different expectation for men? I expected my DH to do the night feeds with me. And he did them all.

Why ever not? Women are used to undisturbed sleep before baby too, and yet we are expected to just get on with night feeds. Why is it different expectation for men?

I would expect whichever parent is on maternity/paternity leave to do the vast majority of night feeds. In most cases, in the early days at least, it’s the mother.

He can bond with baby and be useful in all the other ways other than breastfeeding.

Cynically he has an idea that he can sit with baby and a bottle and claim he can't do all the other domestic responsibilities because he has baby, which conveniently passes them all over to you.

There are so many advantages to mother and baby of breast feeding including nutritional value and immunity for baby. Your DH should therefore certainly support you if you choose to breastfeed and if he doesn't he is being selfish. You should put your foot down on this one.

@LolaSmiles

He can bond with baby and be useful in all the other ways other than breastfeeding.

Cynically he has an idea that he can sit with baby and a bottle and claim he can't do all the other domestic responsibilities because he has baby, which conveniently passes them all over to you.

Or maybe he just genuinely wants to bond with baby during a feed.

@DizzySquirrel90 "Or maybe he just genuinely wants to bond with baby during a feed." At the expense of the baby? Would you honestly want to deprive your tiny baby of antibodies and Tcells just so you want to feed them by bottle yourself. Bizarre

Big red flag about your H.

Prioritising his wishes over his DC’s health, and yours. Showing lack of regard for your bodily autonomy.

[quote Claralaura]@DizzySquirrel90 "Or maybe he just genuinely wants to bond with baby during a feed." At the expense of the baby? Would you honestly want to deprive your tiny baby of antibodies and Tcells just so you want to feed them by bottle yourself. Bizarre[/quote]
No. = Expressing/Pumping to give the FATHER an opportunity.

Another typical mumsnetter jumping down throat.

People are missing the fact here that the OP clearly stated they are EBF. I'm sure if they offered to express to allow husband/partner to be able to feed baby than this would probably make them happy. But it sounds to me like OP isn't willing to do this.

I think we need to be careful about overstating the health benefits to baby here.

Breast milk is amazing stuff, but mum doing all the night feeds has its own dangers. If mum is exhausted she may be at an increased risk of a car accident, or leaving the has on, or falling asleep on the sofa with a baby, for example. All of which could be fatal.

So having dad give some bottles, as well as mum breastfeeding (at night, so she can rest) means baby gets the benefits of some/most/all milk being breastmilk, whilst guarding against the dangers of an exhausted mother.

So many posters who think the father's wants trump what is best for the baby (and also the mother).

Bizarre.

@DizzySquirrel90 firstly expressing/ pumping and feeding by bottle is not recommended before supply is established at 6 weeks unless there is a medical reason for it.

Secondly not everyone can pump I fed my kids for a year and could never pump a drop.
And thirdly pumping is time consuming, it means that mum is going to get less rest because you can't "sleep when the baby sleeps" because she needs to pump. When women want to pump they do it but its very unreasonable to ask a new mother to do that just because you want to feed the child by bottle

Honestly he sounds like a selfish @arsehole

[quote Claralaura]@DizzySquirrel90 firstly expressing/ pumping and feeding by bottle is not recommended before supply is established at 6 weeks unless there is a medical reason for it.

Secondly not everyone can pump I fed my kids for a year and could never pump a drop.
And thirdly pumping is time consuming, it means that mum is going to get less rest because you can't "sleep when the baby sleeps" because she needs to pump. When women want to pump they do it but its very unreasonable to ask a new mother to do that just because you want to feed the child by bottle[/quote]
So what's the mother gonna do when they go back to work?

@Moonbabysmum - the OP hasn't said anything about being exhausted- night feeding isn't exhausting for many. Early wake ups with a toddler are far more exhausting in my experience. Hopeful the DH will be jumping out of bed to deal with those.

Appreciate that pumping isn't for everyone but I chose to pump for my second as (for me) it was quicker than feeding and meant others could do the feed if needed. Or even a bottle of formula a day wouldn't be the end of the world.

EBF is great but, when I asked about combi feeding for my first baby, my midwife looked at me as if I'd asked the most stupid question imaginable. Yet it can help mums BF longer, particularly if a partner does the night fed so they can sleep. No judgement if mums want to EBF, but some mums appreciate having a bit of flexibility if their babies will take a bottle.

@AndSoFinally

The only "helpful" part of feeding is doing the night feeds so you can get a decent nights sleep.

If he's not offering to do this then he can sod off.

(If he is, I would consider expressing so you've got the option)

And it shouldn't be a regular occurrence as we make most of our milk at night and it needs to be effectively drained, so really, he'd not actually be that helpful.

Tell him he can be helpful by cooking and cleaning or bathing baby or taking them for a walk so you can get some time alone in the house.

Telling you how you feed your baby is not on.

@DizzySquirrel90 She may not be working, she may be working from home, she may decide to only feed for maternity leave and move to formula. She may decide to continue to breastfeed. That's not the topic of the thread.

She should absolutely not be forced to pump or give formula just because her husband wants to give the child a bottle.

And honestly if my husband tried to force me I would see it as a giant red flag. It should be her decision and her decision only.

No.
I tried a pump, then tried a more expensive one but it just wasn't practicable. I'd have hated my DH if he'd have become pushy about taking "his turn"

Telling you how you feed your baby is not on.

Ok, so she shouldn't be taking him how he feels his baby either? The baby is equally his surely?

How can we expect dads to take an equal role in parenting if we treat them like lesser parents who have no say?

Of course we shouldn't force a woman to pump or to feed formula, but equally why should a dad be prevented from giving formula just because the other parent disagrees? It feels very hypocritical.