Should my husband get a say in whether I breast feed?

[RHarrison234]

My second baby has just been born and my husband wants to formula feed so he can feel helpful. He says he feels useless and he should get a say. I want to exclusively breast feed and I always take the baby when she’s hungry (never complain) and I do the nights, husband sleeps upstairs in a separate room so his sleep isn’t disrupted. I think the breast feeding is my decision and if I want to do it he should respect it. Am I wrong?

I feel uncomfortable when i see statements like 'you can choose how to feed your baby' given that the baby is equally his. Does that mean he's got a right to decide how he feeds his baby as well? If the rights conflict, who decides?

If it's a traditional set up and he's not around a lot, and mum is taking lengthy maternity leave, the reality is she is the primary parent day to day, and her decision should have more weight.

But we don't know the set up. It could be that in a few months he'll be taking parental leave, or he'll be a SAHD, go part time, or that both of them will be back full time quickly.

This 'it's my baby and my decision' attitude from either parent doesn't seem conducive to a healthy family. Its not about rights, but about coming to a sensible decision that works, taking into account all parties desires and practicalities.

I feel uncomfortable when i see statements like 'you can choose how to feed your baby' given that the baby is equally his

This is none reason I don't say I'm a feminist- not everything should be equal- if a woman has been pregnant and given birth and has breasts full of milk it is totally up to her and no one else how she feeds that baby. If the father was someone she'd had a one night stand with decided he wanted the baby to be feed a particular brand of formula every four hours and not have one drop of breast milk, should he have a say? I don't think so.

This 'it's my baby and my decision' attitude from either parent doesn't seem conducive to a healthy family. Its not about rights, but about coming to a sensible decision that works, taking into account all parties desires and practicalities.

Very good point. It’s not healthy for OP to just tell her partner to STFU and go away she will breastfeed. Because the partner will be sidelined and give up doing baby care. Then fast forward six months and the same poster will be wondering why her baby daddy does nothing baby related. Hogging it all from the start and getting angry and blocking a father wanting to be hands on from birth results in this, they create their own situation.

@PanicStationsAhh

No.

And he's very selfish to put his wish to "feel useful" over what is best for his child.

I agree

Who’s idea is the sleeping in separate bedrooms?

Women are so ready to be against men it's unbelievable.

The OP has said she EBF. So why op can't you compromise and express to allow your partner to be able to feed baby with a bottle. This is probably the only reason he has suggested formula feed.

I imagine it's the DHs idea to sleep I'm separate bedrooms -he probably only wants to bottle feed at times it's convenient for him, like when he's not at work or asleep.

He sounds dodgy af.

@LynetteScavo

I feel uncomfortable when i see statements like 'you can choose how to feed your baby' given that the baby is equally his

This is none reason I don't say I'm a feminist- not everything should be equal- if a woman has been pregnant and given birth and has breasts full of milk it is totally up to her and no one else how she feeds that baby. If the father was someone she'd had a one night stand with decided he wanted the baby to be feed a particular brand of formula every four hours and not have one drop of breast milk, should he have a say? I don't think so.

I agree with you and I do say I'm a feminist. The mother does need more say over this.

@DizzySquirrel90

Women are so ready to be against men it's unbelievable.

The OP has said she EBF. So why op can't you compromise and express to allow your partner to be able to feed baby with a bottle. This is probably the only reason he has suggested formula feed.

yes, the poor love. sleeping in a separate room so as not to have his night's sleep disturbed. indeed, the OP is the one who needs to change.

Expressing milk can be horrible- I used to pump and pump and only manage to produce a tiny bit. Like hell would I have done it so DH could give a bottle. I did it because I thought it was best for my baby when I left them with DH.

@PlanDeRaccordement

This 'it's my baby and my decision' attitude from either parent doesn't seem conducive to a healthy family. Its not about rights, but about coming to a sensible decision that works, taking into account all parties desires and practicalities.

Very good point. It’s not healthy for OP to just tell her partner to STFU and go away she will breastfeed. Because the partner will be sidelined and give up doing baby care. Then fast forward six months and the same poster will be wondering why her baby daddy does nothing baby related. Hogging it all from the start and getting angry and blocking a father wanting to be hands on from birth results in this, they create their own situation.

Totes agree

I do wonder why OP and partner don't share a bedroom though. If this is the case why have another child with him? relationships clearly doomed

No, he doesn't get a say, but you could also be a bit more helpful and suggest expressing so he can bottle feed at times. Breastfeeding is completely your decision yes it is, but maybe he just wants to bond as well.. Not just be useful..

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

Yes OP does need to compromise so her DH can do some baby care. I’ve seen so many women go down this path of doing 100% infant feeding and care for months pushing away the father. The father then gives up, leaves the mother to it. And then in six months the mother is on MN complaining about her useless man child who can’t care for the baby. This is the road she will be on if she listens to posters telling her to ignore her partner, do all the feeding, tell him to fuck off and that he’s being selfish. She will create a rod for her own back.

There is no reason why she cannot pump some milk so he can feed the baby too. There is no reason why he cannot have an active role in infant care to include handling night wakings.

You can say, why now, plenty of time, he can do that later. But it never works out that way because the baby bonds only with the mother and then it’s excuses “ oh baby won’t settle for DH” “DH can’t handle the tears and crying” “baby only wants me”. There isn’t time, the bonding with both parents has to start from birth.

@LynetteScavo

Expressing milk can be horrible- I used to pump and pump and only manage to produce a tiny bit. Like hell would I have done it so DH could give a bottle. I did it because I thought it was best for my baby when I left them with DH.

You really need a hospital grade pump. If you cannot afford one, many places lease them cheaply.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

Yes OP does need to compromise so her DH can do some baby care. I’ve seen so many women go down this path of doing 100% infant feeding and care for months pushing away the father. The father then gives up, leaves the mother to it. And then in six months the mother is on MN complaining about her useless man child who can’t care for the baby. This is the road she will be on if she listens to posters telling her to ignore her partner, do all the feeding, tell him to fuck off and that he’s being selfish. She will create a rod for her own back.

There is no reason why she cannot pump some milk so he can feed the baby too. There is no reason why he cannot have an active role in infant care to include handling night wakings.

You can say, why now, plenty of time, he can do that later. But it never works out that way because the baby bonds only with the mother and then it’s excuses “ oh baby won’t settle for DH” “DH can’t handle the tears and crying” “baby only wants me”. There isn’t time, the bonding with both parents has to start from birth.[/quote]
This right here. Couldn't agree more. Well said @PlanDeRaccordement

@DizzySquirrel90

I do wonder why OP and partner don't share a bedroom though. If this is the case why have another child with him? relationships clearly doomed

Separate bedrooms do not mean a doomed relationship. Sharing a bedroom is a relatively recent cultural change caused by over crowding in cities. Before the industrial revolution, only the very poorest slept in the same bed.

It's not necessary for her to be rude or abrupt about it, but quite simply, he doesn't get equal say. It's just the way it is. Just like I didn't get any say in whether or not DH had a vasectomy even though his refusal to have one impacts me.

I think also what a lot of people are pointing out is that a man who can only see one way to be helpful ie by feeding the baby is a bit worrying because there are a million ways he could be helpful from taking the lead on the older child to nappies and night time settling to cooking and cleaning.

As others have said there are plenty of other ways he can be useful. I BF both mine and DH did bath time and change into night time sleepsuits. 9 years later (youngest is 2) bedtime routine is still his. He can make you a brew while you feed or do nappy changes or have a cuddle with baby while you have a nap. BF is for a fraction of time he's hardly going to miss out.

@PlanDeRaccordement that's fine if that's the case, it's just OP hasn't actually said why they sleep separately which is causing people to say the partner sleeps separately due to the baby, whereas this might not be the case, there might be another reason. We are only getting half the story here. OP is radio silent.

I'm just saying with my partner neither of us would want to sleep in separate rooms. I don't understand anyone who would want to sleep separately.

When I BF'd in the night DH would take the baby afterwards, wind it, change it and settle it back to sleep. Bliss.

You are right it is your decision and the NHS agrees what you want to do is best for your baby's health. He's being selfish.

Does your husband have a man bun?

He just wants to feed his baby. Not unreasonable or selfish. Express maybe so he can feel involved too.