Should my husband get a say in whether I breast feed?

[RHarrison234]

My second baby has just been born and my husband wants to formula feed so he can feel helpful. He says he feels useless and he should get a say. I want to exclusively breast feed and I always take the baby when she’s hungry (never complain) and I do the nights, husband sleeps upstairs in a separate room so his sleep isn’t disrupted. I think the breast feeding is my decision and if I want to do it he should respect it. Am I wrong?

They aren't lesser parents but they are different.

@Moonbabysmum noone can stop him from giving the child a bottle of formula if he wants but I would think he was a total arseh0le for wanting to deprive his newborn baby of antibodies and tcells.... wouldn't be a great start to life as a dad when the main thing about being a parent is that you cannot be selfish you have to do what's best for baby.

This is treating them as different if its one oarent saying 'my way or the highway'. And they are only different surely if that's how the parents choose to parent. A dad is equally capable of feeding his baby, he just doesnt get the choice if where the milk comes from.

Ok, so she shouldn't be taking him how he feels his baby either? The baby is equally his surely?

Not at this stage, no. The baby does not yet realise that it is a separate entity from its mother. The baby wants its mother. This is why no court in the land will give 50/50 custody of a newborn. Lots of people talk about infants like they'd talk about a games console. 'It's mine too, I want my turn'.

It's a human being. As a parent you don't have rights, you have responsibility to do what's best for the child and interrupting the baby's feeding for selfish reasons is not being responsible.

@Moonbabysmum but unfortunately that's just nature women produce milk and men don't. I think we would all love to live in a world where men could lactate and do half the feeding! But that's not life.
Demanding that the child should get formula instead of breastmilk just because you want to feed them a bottle is incredibly selfish.
My husband did everything apart from feeds, nappies, baths, playtime. He had to find a way to get them to sleep without feeding and now they have the strongest bond.

We ff our first, alternated the nights, took equal time off work etc. The result is a baby (and now child) that bonded with us equally.
I EBF our first relentlessly, I did the nights, took unequal time off work: the result is a baby (and now child) that bonded with us equally.

I feel uncomfortable when i see statements like 'you can choose how to feed your baby' given that the baby is equally his. Does that mean he's got a right to decide how he feeds his baby as well? If the rights conflict, who decides?
The person with milk in their tits decides. There are some parts of raising a kid that the other parent doesn’t get to do: pregnancy and childbirth, for one. If the person producing milk wants to use it to feed, that’s another.

The OP has said she EBF. So why op can't you compromise and express to allow your partner to be able to feed baby with a bottle.
How is “do more work” compromising? So when she’s getting a break from the baby, she has to express? Why can’t she sit on her bum reading MN or watching TV, or nap, why does she have to faff with a pump?

@FreeBritnee

Massive red flag. Huge.

Agree, especially after Op wrote this

He sleeps in a separate room so as to be undisturbed whilst you tend to the baby every night?

A bit creepy behaviour

I EBF our first relentlessly, I did the nights, took unequal time off work: the result is a baby (and now child) that bonded with us equally.

I see a lot of people that say that, but in reality, the child still wants mum first if they fall over, mum if they are poorly etc. It doesnt mean they have a bad relationship with dad, but I dont see many families where the child would regard both as equal comfort, except ones where the dad has done equal input from birth - and its hard to do that if only one parent can feed.

Breastfed babies have stronger immune systems, fewer gastrointestinal problems, fewer colds, ear infections, meningitis, better vision, lower infant mortality and SIDS rates, overall less illnesses.
Break milk provides abundant nutritional content, antioxidants, enzymes, antibodies, and the milk contains substances that naturally soothe babies.
For the mother breastfeeding releases oxytocin and prolactin (love hormones!) and lowers risk of breast and ovarian cancer and heart disease.

But your husband still wants you to formula feed so HE can feel "helpful" ???!!!! I hope he can see how ridiculous and completely selfish that is. He wants to prioritise his feelings over his baby getting the best start in life.

@Moonbabysmum what does feeding have to do with it? Babies often gravitate towards the primary care giver.... but that doesn't necessarily mean the person who feeds them when they are an infant. I know plenty of formula fed babies who still look for mum when they fall.
Now my kids are toddlers and they go through phases of preferring one parent over another could be me this week my hubby the next. It has zero to do with who gave them milk at 3 weeks old.

Er no. You get to decide, not him

@DizzySquirrel90 sleeping in separate rooms isn’t always a sign your relationship is stuffed. My DH snores which wakes the baby up so I sleep in the spare room with the baby until she is ready for her own room. We all get an unbroken nights sleep this way.

I know everyone’s different but I found pumping alongside breastfeeding messed with breastfeeding basically. I got oversupply which made it difficult for the baby to feed, and on top of that if I didn’t give regular bottles she just forgot how to feed from a bottle. It would be great to have the option of giving a bottle now and again but it wasn’t that simple for me personally.

The argument that the only possible reason that a father could be close to his children is by feeding them from a bottle is such a bizarre one.

I was incredibly close to my dad he didn't do any of the feeding but he did everything else for us he was kind and unselfish, never thought of himself and always did what was best for us.

Noooo

How is it useful? It just gives your baby worse nutrition in order to put him at the centre of things.

I think it's hard to judge the OP's husband's intentions without more context.
Mum exhausted and really struggling with BF, Dad thinking that FF would reduce the burden = probably misguided but well intended.
Everything going swimmingly but spoilt man-child is feeling left out and jealous = completely unacceptable.
And there must be multiple possibilities in between those extremes.
Ultimately though, whatever the motivations I think the decision on this one remains with Mum, but I wouldn't be as quick as some to condem the Dad on the limited evidence available!

Even though I breastfeed and so did all the feeds, in the early days every second night feed DH would get up, change their nappy and settle them back to sleep after I'd fed them (so I could get back to sleep quicker).

Perhaps you could suggest this if he wants to be more helpful?! Though something is telling me he won't jump at the chance!

It doesnt mean they have a bad relationship with dad, but I dont see many families where the child would regard both as equal comfort, except ones where the dad has done equal input from birth - and its hard to do that if only one parent can feed
a) it’s nothing to do with feeding, it’s a “primary carer” thing which is established regardless of feeding method
b) every dad I know bonded with skin to skin, the sling, and nappy changes. You don’t have to feed to bond.

So he's ok about you not getting the protection from cancer that breast feeding gives you?

@hotmeatymilk

My husband did a lot of skin to skin, carried them by sling (and still does at 2+4), took them to baby massage, took 7 months off with each of them. Our bottle fed child bonded equally, our breastfed one did not. The difference is quite stark, and it's nothing to do with lack of effort in his part.

Its a good bond, a lovely bond, but I'm always the one that she runs to, even though neither of us are or ever have been a primary caregiver.

@Moonbabysmum I don’t think either of us can extrapolate from my single experience and your two test cases, and I think the OP’s DH shouldn’t have a say, and I don’t think suggesting that he has a case for saying FF will help his bond is the right thing to do.

No!

Those saying the father should get a say in how the baby is fed...what else do you think is reasonable? Him nsisting on a Caesarian because it's more convenient for him? Saying he would like the Labour to be induced because that suits him best? Requesting certain birth positions so he can get a good photo? Demanding his partner has an epidural so he doesn't have to see her in any pain? Some people just don't seem to realise this is as much about a woman's body and what she does with it being her choice as much as anything else.

So what's the mother gonna do when they go back to work?
Plenty of breastfeeding mothers manage to go back to work without pumping quite easily, I’m one of them. I breastfed DD til she was 2.5 but I was back at work at 9m. Never pumped. It doesn’t have to be an issue.

I know somebody who formula fed DC1 so DH could feel involved. He lost interest pretty quickly!
She BF her second.

I EBF. My DP helps in lots of other ways. There’s more to having a baby than just feeding them! Do you get the feeling he’s trying to wriggle out of other duties eg. looking after DC1?

I'm going to buck the trend and say that he should have a say. Of course he should. It concerns his child. It's preposterous to think he doesn't have a say.

That said, it would be strange that he would prefer to give formula if breast milk is available. Presumably you can express and he could feed the baby that way? Personally I don't see what his problem is with it. But to suggest he doesn't have a voice doesn't bode well for co-parenting prospects.