DH didn't change her clothes

[Fluffyhairdontcare]

Been away from home for a night, left DH and DD3 at home. Got home earlier to find that dh hadn't changed DD from the clothes I put her in. She hadn't worn Pyjamas so spent all of yesterday, all night and all today in the same clothes including underwear. Living room was a tip. Her teeth weren't brushed.

Verging on neglectful and I'm really upset about it.

@Tenfifteen

🤷‍♀️ what did he say? I’m quite in the camp of one night doesn’t hurt and if she was distressed/unnerved about mummy being away. Deficient feeding, playing with, dressing inappropriately for the weather or not cuddling a 3 year old I’d care about quite a lot; but not much else as long as they were happy. A night really doesn’t have much impact.

So you’re of the school of thought that men are stupid, knuckle-dragging Neanderthals, too thick and incompetent to be expected to provide basic level care for a child?

What’s happened to you to lead you to have such low expectations of men? I mean, talk about ‘man hating’ to think they’re all that stupid, and they shouldn’t be expected to function as an adult.

You know, men are humans too, and just as capable as women?

Would it be OK if he’d let that go on for a week? If not, why is it OK for a night?

If your DH was a babysitter, you'd sack him really, wouldn't you?

Probably that's what he's angling for.

@Tenfifteen

🤷‍♀️ what did he say? I’m quite in the camp of one night doesn’t hurt and if she was distressed/unnerved about mummy being away. Deficient feeding, playing with, dressing inappropriately for the weather or not cuddling a 3 year old I’d care about quite a lot; but not much else as long as they were happy. A night really doesn’t have much impact.

A night is ok when traveling etc - not just a random night at home because dad was on his own. if she were distressed at not having her mum, then all the usual routine would usually be much better.

Would it be OK if he’d let that go on for a week? If not, why is it OK for a night?

Plenty of things are fine as a one off but not every day. I let my kids eat a Mcdonalds occasionally, I don't bath them every night, sometimes they have a late night or have a day where we wear PJs all day. Fine as a one off, not every night.

Those equating it to neglect because "what if" he did it every day for a month.... he didn't, so its not neglect. And it is disrespectful to children who have experienced real neglect, to suggest that this child is being neglected.

The reason this child is not being neglected is because she has one decent parent.

Doesn't stop him being a neglectful parent.

And the occasional missed toothbrushing never killed anyone. I didn't brush my 18 month olds teeth tonight because she is ill and teething and screaming and I would have literally had to pin her down and force the toothbrush in her mouth. I think doing that to a small child is more damaging than not having her teeth brushed once in a blue moon, and is more likely to make her upset about having her teeth brushed again in future.

This may or may not be a stupid question but did he properly feed her/give her enough water while you were gone?

I'd be livid as well and wouldn't trust her in his 'care'. Your poor dad deserves so much better than that.

@DockOTheBay

Would it be OK if he’d let that go on for a week? If not, why is it OK for a night?

Plenty of things are fine as a one off but not every day. I let my kids eat a Mcdonalds occasionally, I don't bath them every night, sometimes they have a late night or have a day where we wear PJs all day. Fine as a one off, not every night.

Those equating it to neglect because "what if" he did it every day for a month.... he didn't, so its not neglect. And it is disrespectful to children who have experienced real neglect, to suggest that this child is being neglected.

So, again, you think men are just too stupid / incompetent to be able to parent to anywhere near the same standard as women?

Maybe all men should be put on leashes and all tethered to a responsible women before they’re allowed out in public, if they really are that stupid / incompetent.

Why do some people hold such a low opinion of men? It’s pretty insulting.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. It’s how I have lived myself for most of Covid.

As ever, Mumsnet is a window into another world….

Maybe all men should be put on leashes and all tethered to a responsible women before they’re allowed out in public, if they really are that stupid / incompetent
Oh yes that's exactly what I said 👍

There's no evidence that he would have done these things every day for a week. I (a woman) have done similar things for one day/ night before which is fine, but wouldn't be fine for an extended period. "What ifs" are pointless as they didn't happen.

Lazy, lazy, lazy.

That's pretty neglectful. If he couldn't be bothered to do this would be wondering what she ate, drank or did for the time was away. That lack of care would mean to me other things have gone on that wouldn't be happy with.

It's grim to leave a child in the same dirty undies for days & as others have said, it's put you into line so you won't be wanting to leave him in charge of her again.

People here are quick to say LTB because most people in happy, respectful relationships with good people aren't bothering to post on the forum.

Only OP can know if he's generally clueless or uncaring. Still, not sure why he should get a free pass even if he is clueless, changing a child's clothes is pretty fucking basic.

Awful. This is neglect, I’d be concerned that your dh really doesn’t give a shit.

What did he say about it? I'd be more annoyed about the untidy living room TBH for one night if DD generally seemed ok. Have you ever allowed him to parent on his own before?

How do you know she didn't change into her pyjamas for bed time but then just put the same outfit back on next morning?

what a useless man

My exh used to do this sort of thing to make my going out more difficult. He wouldn't clear away after eating, wouldn't put the kids to bed properly (they had a routine , were unsettled without it), leave the place a tip for me to come home to... Generally made it very uncomfortable for me to go out without him. Even when we did, it was me who had to sort out a babysitter and pay for it. Yep, he's cross you went off on your own, and he's telling you in his own subtle(!) way.

She had been fed properly and told me that she'd had a lovely time. They went out to do a few things in the morning.

On very rare occasions, I've left DD in her clothes overnight, if she's fallen asleep on the sofa downstairs or in the car but always changed her in the morning. She had tights on. He'd just put more layers over the top the next day to keep her warm.

She doesn't have a bath every night and I don't brush her hair (I don't brush my hair much either). It was laziness.

He’s teaching you a lesson - he can’t cope if you go away!!!
Let’s see if he provides an explanation.

Im sorry but you admit yourself you sometimes do this and don’t brush her hair so how is it different for him? I don’t understand the angst on this thread! It’s not great (especially tights on overnight would be uncomfortable) but he took her out and she had a great time. OP said she sometimes leaves her in the same clothes and doesn’t brush her hair often.

The teeth cleaning is the bit that stands out for me though.

That is neglect in my book,

Just as well your book is irrelevant then.

She had been fed properly and told me that she'd had a lovely time

That seems to me the important thing. The rest isn't great, but clearly she hasn't been neglected.

Yeh I’d call this neglectful- he literally did nothing, leaving her in the same clothes to sleep in?- he does know she’s a person, does he think adults don’t change their clothes, is he generally unclean

How do you get away with not brushing her hair? Is it very short?
Changing underwear and brushing teeth is a basic. But I’d never let mine sleep in there clothes either.