DH didn't change her clothes

[Fluffyhairdontcare]

Been away from home for a night, left DH and DD3 at home. Got home earlier to find that dh hadn't changed DD from the clothes I put her in. She hadn't worn Pyjamas so spent all of yesterday, all night and all today in the same clothes including underwear. Living room was a tip. Her teeth weren't brushed.

Verging on neglectful and I'm really upset about it.

[quote toomuchlaundry]@PeterIsACockwomble why do we have to accept a low bar when it comes to dads looking after their DC[/quote]
We don't. But some people's bar is far lower, and they would be grateful for not abused/safe. Which doesn't make it right, but is decidedly better as nobody actually comes to any harm.

@KeyboardWorriers

Did she have a nice time? Had they done fun activities together? Was she fed good food?

It very much depends what he was doing as well as what he didn't do. teeth and fresh underwear are my "bare minimum" but as a one off it isn't going to kill her of she was otherwise having lots of fun with him.

On the other hand if she was also largely ignored then yes, I would be really angry

I agree with this. I could live with her not changing clothes (especially if it was because she didn’t want to) but I would want to know she had been fed appropriately and they had done stuff / had fun together. Did this happen?

Neglect! Get a fucking grip

It’s not that big a deal

I would be very concerned.

Presumably he brushed his own teeth at some point during this time? And he didn't think to brush his DD's as well? Or maybe she said she didn't want to and he couldn't be bothered making sure she did it.

Whatever the reasons, it's horrible. How awful for you that you can't even trust your child's own father to take care of her basic needs when you aren't there. I'm so sorry OP.

TheFairy I parent my child just fine. I seriously think for ONE night this isn't that terrible. My child has major sleep issues so often our priority has been actual sleep rather than a bath and tidying up. 3 year olds don't need a bath every day anyway (a wash yes, bath no)
Anyway the OP hasn't come back and we haven't heard the husband's side of the story so who knows if he is as useless as the OP says.
Probably not...but this is Mumsnet which quite frankly might as well be called WeHateAllMenNet.
I'm going back to the Lego thread.... it's much more fun over there.
Cheerio folks.

I think most posters need to get an idea of what ‘neglect’ looks like legally.

This isn’t neglect if the child is fed an otherwise looked after reasonably well. It’s not ‘your’ optimal parenting and he’s fallen shorty of the the routine/standards you have in place.

If you have a routine at your house of bath, pyjamas, teeth, story then he has clearly fallen very short of the mark and I’d be really pissed off because he’s not done it through laziness.

But if he’s not brushed her hair and changed her clothes because she’s kicking off because you’re not there, fed her what she will eat etc... he’s definitely gone for the easy life and that’s what you need to discuss.

Was she happy when you got home?

It is not nice to use your dd to get at you. That is what he is doing. Where did you go away for the night? He clearly didn't like you going.

Of course it's neglect. If a child was parented like this for a long period of time (weeks, months), they would be neglected.

That does not make the OP's DD a neglected child because, unlike truly neglected children, she has another competent parent to step in.

But he is a neglectful parent.

I'm not sure what to suggest in your shoes, OP. Did he feed her? Did he have a shower? Did he get ready for bed himself and just not bother with her? I would be incandescent with rage at a man who took care of himself but couldn't be arsed to take care of his tiny child.

Odd

In the past my 3yo has fallen asleep wearing jogging bottoms and sweater, and I’ve just left him because it’s basically the same as pyjamas and I don’t want to wake him and deal with the hysterics, and then he might not go to sleep again. Then the next day he was basically dressed and we were just watching tv so he kept the same clothes on. It’s not unusual for us to lounge around in our sleeping attire until after lunchtime on a weekend.

I would have expected teeth brushed but again, there have been times when DS had fallen asleep and I haven’t wanted to wake him to brush his teeth. And at the moment he won’t let anyone except me brush them, I’m out one night a week and I just accept that he won’t have his teeth brushed that night because he won’t let his dad brush them.

The other stuff pp have mentioned, like leaving a baby in a dirty nappy to get a rash, yes that is abusive. But not changing clothes overnight, no I couldn’t get worked up about that.

teeth and clean pants. same clothes as long as they are clean (not covered in mud/food ) is ok for once.

Posters saying how uncomfortable she must have been over night... you don't even know what she was wearing! If it was a tracksuit, or leggings and a top, that's basically pyjamas.
My DD was really over tired getting to bed tonight so is now sleeping in a comfy, loose tracksuit. I know it was the right decision as the alternative was making her upset to change her into a similar set of clean clothes (that we happen to call pyjamas).
However, brushing teeth twice a day is a must, as is clean undies.

He’s been a parent for 3 years yet he’s incapable, it seems, of doing an adequate job on his own. How bloody sad. Surely he’s shown signs of his ineptness before now? I’d be embarrassed if I were him.

I could probably let the clothes go (although it’s weird not to have put her in pyjamas) but cleaning teeth is non negotiable. I would be upset too.

It's fucking laziness . Mine are 8 and 10 now and often spend days at the weekend sat about in their pants even if they've been dressed to go out and have come back and stripped. They don't like pjs anymore either but I draw a line at sleeping in their clothes

He doesn't want you staying out

I must be the only one who couldn’t get worked up about this. Neglect, FFS

Sounds like they just had a lazy weekend.

It's probably lazy parenting, and not a criminal offence. I doubt any harm was done in this short time.

That is neglect in my book, not even brushing teeth. I’d be livid. And I definitely wouldn’t respond by never going away again. Probably by curling up with a glass of wine while he does bath teeth story and bed, to help him practice.

The sad moment when you realise that the person you thought was a good dad can’t be trusted to care for his own children.

Now you have your eyes opened, keep them open for the sake of your child.

@1forAll74

It's probably lazy parenting, and not a criminal offence. I doubt any harm was done in this short time.

What if it was for more than a night?

🤷‍♀️ what did he say? I’m quite in the camp of one night doesn’t hurt and if she was distressed/unnerved about mummy being away. Deficient feeding, playing with, dressing inappropriately for the weather or not cuddling a 3 year old I’d care about quite a lot; but not much else as long as they were happy. A night really doesn’t have much impact.

Op?

Do you normally have a 'routine'? at that age we did for DS- was v predictable- bath, pyjamas, milk, teeth, toilet and bed. At the very least it would be clean pants, teeth, and pyjamas. Sounds like DH is lazy and cannot be arsed.

What if the OP was run over by a bus and her DH parented like this the whole time?