DH didn't change her clothes

[Fluffyhairdontcare]

Been away from home for a night, left DH and DD3 at home. Got home earlier to find that dh hadn't changed DD from the clothes I put her in. She hadn't worn Pyjamas so spent all of yesterday, all night and all today in the same clothes including underwear. Living room was a tip. Her teeth weren't brushed.

Verging on neglectful and I'm really upset about it.

This is neglect, end of.

There is no explanation for that level of incompetence.

Sound like deliberate incompetence to punish you for leaving. Not good.

Did he feed her?

What time did you get home?

Honestly my DD has slept in her clothes before as she wasn’t feeling great and ended up falling asleep so I didn’t have time to brush her teeth and I didn’t want to wake her to put on PJs.

@bridepanic

This is neglect, end of.

There is no explanation for that level of incompetence.

It's not. Please don't take away the seriousness of the abuse that is neglect. Having your kid wear the same clothes for a couple of days really isn't it.

Getting dressed for bed is a battle you have to pick. The poor thing, must have been so uncomfortable over the night! What did he say?( the place being like a tip thing wouldn't bother me, with a 3 year old that could have happened quite quickly!)

@Legoisthebest

3 year olds can be unbelievably stubborn. Maybe she refused point blank to get changed and clean her teeth. Rather than it end up as the meltdown from hell your husband went for the 'choose your battles' approach as it was only one night. Would you have preferred he had physically held her down to get her changed? I doubt it.

Oh pack it in you absolute tit! He’s had her for one night and couldn’t do even the bare minimum. Would it be acceptable for the op to leave her daughter unwashed, teeth unbrushed and in dirty clothes every night she decides to be stubborn and have a tantrum?

He hates you, OP.

Nah, just kidding. But I'm surprised no-one has pulled that gem out, yet.

He hasn't behaved very well. If she fell asleep in her clothes He should've made sure they were changed the next day. And I'd be cross about her teeth. But all this shite about sabotaging/disrespecting/insulting the OP, is weird. Particularly enjoying the poster who insinuated he is dipping his wick 🙄

Schools/nurseries might be asking questions if a child was coming in the same clothes and unwashed and teeth not brushed

This is neglect, end of.

There is no explanation for that level of incompetence.

It's not. Please don't take away the seriousness of the abuse that is neglect. Having your kid wear the same clothes for a couple of days really isn't it.'

Absolutely. Having worked in private and public law Children Act proceedings, and having seen some indescribably heartbreaking things, this doesn't come to neglect.

Sounds like they had a chilled out weekend. Not the end of the world & certainly not neglect.

Winnie well I guess I am a truly awful and neglectful mother because there have been plenty of times over my 13 years of being a mother that I have 'picked my battle' and let the fact my child has refused to get dressed/have a bath/brush hair or whatever just go. For the odd one off occasion it really does not matter. If it was a constant thing - then it's not good. But one night? No.

The mess i would expect. It can happen in the blink of an eye with a 3 year old! Not taking care of basic hygiene needs is not acceptable. I'd be demanding to know his reasoning, if any.

As for the 'pick your battles' comment from a PP. I had my screaming 3 year old refusing to get in the bath tonight. I ignored her screams and bathed her anyway (as quickly as i could) because she needed a bath and she's 3!!!

Hmm, it’s not ideal, but depends on the clothes maybe? Dd, also 3 and I and Dp are out a lot, so I have some days where I just let her stay in her pjs all day and we don’t leave the house, she’d go to bed in them, I don’t think that’s bad? 🤷🏻‍♀️It could be the same if it’s a cost, comfy jogging suit. She always brushes her teeth though and the lack of tidying would piss me off, just laziness

What does he say about it?

It's not neglect, it's not a big deal but I would be infuriated too. Is he really apologetic and coming up with ideas for next time, or is he unaware of the problem, or is he basically telling you the stuff you work hard to do doesn't matter to him?

Changing underwear and brushing teeth surely are the bare minimum you would expect in respect of personal hygiene

Did she have a nice time? Had they done fun activities together? Was she fed good food?

It very much depends what he was doing as well as what he didn't do. teeth and fresh underwear are my "bare minimum" but as a one off it isn't going to kill her of she was otherwise having lots of fun with him.

On the other hand if she was also largely ignored then yes, I would be really angry

How is leaving a child in the same clothes for 24 hours and not brushing their teeth, eg not meeting basic care needs, not neglectful?

He basically has sent the message he will do bare minimum to keep her alive but will not meet her needs beyond that when you are not there. Disgusting behaviour.

I remember going into town when ds was a baby for a lovely morning on my own, leaving dh and ds to get up and have breakfast together. Dh and ds met me for a coffee about 1130. Ds was a bit whingey so I took him for a nappy change. He was still in his soaking overnight nappy with a huge patch of angry nappy rash.

Is it neglect? Not really. But it just made me despair, as if I'd never be able to leave ds safely to dh.

This would have merited merely a from me, had I been able to leave any of my children with XH at that age.

As it was, I couldn't. So I would say that anyone who has a DH/DP with whom they can safely leave their child - even if the child spends 24 hours in the same pyjamas - is on a winning wicket.

Let’s aim for and expect more than the bare minimum of keeping a child alive overnight. At least he didn’t beat her hey

I’d forget to do anything for him for a week.

@PeterIsACockwomble why do we have to accept a low bar when it comes to dads looking after their DC

@Legoisthebest

3 year olds can be unbelievably stubborn. Maybe she refused point blank to get changed and clean her teeth. Rather than it end up as the meltdown from hell your husband went for the 'choose your battles' approach as it was only one night. Would you have preferred he had physically held her down to get her changed? I doubt it.

Get a grip!

By the time my children were 3 DH had been away many times for months on end and I’d had multiple hospital stays. Never once did they sleep in their clothes, or go to bed without a bath (unless very unwell), or not have their teeth brushed. Neither of us came home to find the house a tip either.

You don’t allow a 3yr to dictate what they do. You parent them.

@Legoisthebest

Gilt so for the sake of one night (when a 3 year old is probably a bit baffled as to why mummy isn't there) you would be happy to have your child physically held down while kicking and screaming in order to change some clothes? Have you met a screaming, hysterical tantruming 3 year old? Sometimes you really do have to pick your battles. Of course I don't know if this was what happened or the husband was a just a lazy arse. I wonder if the OP actually asked him what happened or just decided to go down the 'my husband is crap' path. (Also how does she know the teeth weren't cleaned?)

Yes, actually, I have my own to deal with on a daily basis. Changing clothes and brushing teeth need to be done, there's no justification for not doing them IMO. So is OP's DH a bit crap? In this case, yes he is.