The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

My childless friends don't have children because they know all of the above & have made an informed decision that they don't want to do it.

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling as parenthood is brutal.

It is odd to blame others for not telling you it is rubbish as I don't know anyone childless or not who doesn't know about sleepless nights, etc.

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. My baby didn't have colic, he was a good sleeper and yet still I relate to a lot of what you said.

I don't regret having kids at all, but I agree society lies to mothers about the reality.

Part of the problem is how separate we all are, I think. That we can get to motherhood without really having spent much time around other women while they mother their own babies. And that when we have our own babies, we mother alone, behind closed doors in the early days, while our partners go to work. This set up is normalised in our society but I don't think it's working for mothers to have to do this monumentally life changing, relentless job, without support.

On a more personal level, things should get easier for you now your nearly past the toddler years.

I think society does lie to you but also it was a bit naive to think your life wouldn’t change and would stay 100% the same

I knew someone years ago, a brilliant teacher, but knew she would never have children- she'd brought up her siblings due to dysfunctional parents, and felt she'd done her bit already!

Some of it is hard to imagine- I couldn't have imagined the tiredness, loss of self etc. It's one of those things you hear and think you understand, but can't process the reality of it.

My D.C. was awful as a small baby, but better as a crawling baby, and far far better as a teenager! My friends with easy babies didn't know what hit them when DC were older.

That said, I'd do it again a million times- I'm a born mum!

and I hope you find a happy spot with it soon!

I don't know anyone childless or not who doesn't know about sleepless nights, etc

I think you can know about sleepless nights but still not understand how all consuming mothering young children is. People do tend to routinely gloss over how hard it can be IME, for fear of frightening mothers-to-be.

I knew all this before I had children, I think it sounds like you are in the thick of it at the moment so it feels relentless. I had three under three and I know that feeling well. I hope things improve for you.

Your experience is not the same as everyone else's.

Some people do experience the euphoria of motherhood, but I would guess that the majority of women, its a mix of good and bad, sleepless night, but smiles that melt your heart etc

I agree with PP. Having a baby is like entering a twilight zone for us compared with societies where babies are just part of life.

I'm also guessing your memories become a bit blurred. I know my first cluster fed for hours every single evening. In 20 years time will I just be telling people we had the odd cluster feed now and then?

I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now.

That’s pretty much what I thought parenting would be like. I was criticised by family, friends and midwives throughout my pregnancy for being too negative and not seeing any positives; to me, it was just being realistic! Luckily the reality of parenting has been rather better than I imagined, but I still get overwhelmed sometimes at the permanence of it all, and the responsibility. Especially during lockdown when there have been no chances of a break from a willing babysitter.

But those were the messages I’d picked up from society, talking to friends with children and reading MN. I always thought that people who told me motherhood would change and improve my life and being endless joy were talking bollocks. When I became pregnant unexpectedly in my early thirties, I did a lot of thinking about whether parenthood was genuinely what I wanted, as I don’t think I would have chosen it.

Did you seek treatment for PND?

I feel for you, OP, but you're simply wrong to say that the downsides of motherhood are some well-kept secret.

I'm fully aware of all the ghastly consequences you mention, which is why - like thousands and thousands of similarly well informed women - I haven't had kids .

I didn’t feel lied to as I had been told what it would be like quite honestly by my friends who had kids and even my DH who has an older DC but I still completely underestimated how hard it would be and I genuinely just think that nothing can prepare you for it. I certainly wasn’t prepared for the impact on mine and DHs relationship and the relentless side of it.
I do think society as a whole gives a different impression compared to how it actually is and all the pressure to have a baby and be the same person you were before, getting back out to socialise, work, do everything you did before but with a baby is what is hard and it’s a lie that you can do it all.

I also want to add that it isn't just people around me; its media. TV and films. Watch almost any film and the way motherhood is portrayed in it. Its unrealistic and I believe it sets up so many expectations that are doomed to fail. I think its an issue bigger than just me and my circumstances. I think the perfect motherhood ideals are largely responsible for poor mental health in new mothers; that's kinda the point of my post.

And yes, I was naive.

I do agree that it's a huge shock and many people aren't really prepared for the reality. I certainly wasn't!

To be honest though, now I'm out of the baby stage with both of mine I do think having kids is brilliant and the best thing that's ever happened to me, despite the sacrifices I've made along the way. So perhaps when people say this they are only considering the present and not the road they've had to take to get there.

Do you have more than one child (you mention "kids")?

I think you're absolutely right. It's not about knowing that babies sometimes don't sleep, or that their needs will trump yours, at least for a time. We all know that.

It's about the devastating effect of this on your life - and mainly, the mother's life. Understanding what it actually means to live with all that is very very different from experiencing it.

I had a relatively easy baby who always slept well and sleep deprivation never happened to me. Yet, I distinctly remember standing in the bedroom with her crying in the cot, tears running down my face, thinking, "What the fuck have I done?"

I had DD late and I think it was probably the old biological clock that got me. Now she's 8, an absolute joy, but I still probably wouldn't have had her if I'd known just how my life would completely, utterly be turned on its head.

I have to agree in that your own naïvety also plays a part? Not sure what or how you thought a baby would fit in with your life?

Society doesn't lie to us - ask any other parent - they'd have a good moan about the sleepless nights and the relentlessness of it all - I don't know a single parent who when asked says it's been 100% amazing 100% of the time?

Social media however and the fake Instagram lifestyles of so called "influencers" does portray a rose tinted version of parenthood but honestly if you think what they post is their actual lives then no wonder it's been a difficult experience for you?

And no I haven't had a "fairytale" experience of parenthood - I've had what I would consider a "normal" one - exactly how you have described with the colic and bone crushing tiredness and lack of time and lack of sleep and lack of everything really

I'm on the fence a bit. I can't imagine deciding to have a baby without doing at least a few Google searches on what to expect (Mumsnet would be in the top results!). Most regions have free NHS antenatal classes, there's also NCT which is online now too.

There's a lot that people for whatever reason don't talk about in general chit chat, but it's not like the information isn't available. Same as a lot of the nitty gritty of life really.

I'm sorry that you had unrealistic expectations and that you're finding parenthood so tough but I don't see the need for the rant about society.

Soaps show new parents struggling. Stand up comedians with babies talk about how knackering it is. Mumsnet is full of women who are struggling and asking for advice. Bookshops have parenting books because people need help. You see the downsides everywhere.

I don't see any big conspiracy to paint an unrealistic view of motherhood.

By society, I think you just mean your own mum. Mine was totally different. She told me plenty of positive stories but was also realistic. She told me that childbirth was so awful that immediately afterwards she told my dad that he wasn't coming anywhere near her again. She also told me about the time when she was so stressed because I wouldn't stop crying that she seriously thought about throwing both her and myself in the river. I certainly didn't have any illusions about motherhood being easy.

It is seriously hard when they’re very little, for sure. It has good points too, but it’s pretty relentless. I am personally finding that it gets easier in some ways as DS gets older (he’s now 5) and harder in others. He’s more independent now, and thanks to some pretty intensive speech therapy, we can have conversations! However he has ASD so I worry about him at school, and for his future.

All in all it does get better though, in my experience at least.

I think it’s often wise to remember what they say in The Princess Bride: ‘Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says different is selling you something’. Anything worth having involves hard parts.

Thank you OP, I have secretly felt this for a while too. I love my child & wouldn't now change them for anything but I agree with your post. I've also been around children as I come from a big-ish family but my siblings never shared the worst parts of parenting with me. That said my older siblings used to get a lot of help from my parents & us younger ones in the way of babysitting. Now that I'm a mum I get no help at all.

@33feethighandrising

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. My baby didn't have colic, he was a good sleeper and yet still I relate to a lot of what you said.

I don't regret having kids at all, but I agree society lies to mothers about the reality.

Part of the problem is how separate we all are, I think. That we can get to motherhood without really having spent much time around other women while they mother their own babies. And that when we have our own babies, we mother alone, behind closed doors in the early days, while our partners go to work. This set up is normalised in our society but I don't think it's working for mothers to have to do this monumentally life changing, relentless job, without support.

On a more personal level, things should get easier for you now your nearly past the toddler years.

Totally agree with isolating women. In the past as a teenage girl you would have helped your sister, auntie, cousin and be fully aware of the challenges of motherhood (and be able to count on their support). Obviously careers and independence for women has been a very good thing but also costly in terms of our bonds with other women. We have expectations of independence whilst mothering which are frankly unhealthy. Interdependence is a much more positive thing for mothers of young children but it doesn’t fit well with the rest of our society.

I’m really torn on this, because technically I knew all of the shit about parenting before I had DD (now nearly a year) but I didn’t know, know it. I just don’t think you’re capable of understanding it until they really come along, not that you underestimate it but that both the good bits and the bad bits are impossible to describe.

I’ve told people often that the first 3 months of DD’s life were the hardest 3 months of mine, and the second three months were the second hardest. For me things started getting a little better at 6 months and from about 9 months onwards I can honestly say it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life and I don’t regret it. But the process of getting here nearly destroyed me. I think I’ve sort of accepted that life has fundamentally changed and it’ll never go back to how it was before, and I’m okay with that. But I understand that not everyone gets to a point where they are okay with it and that’s valid too

Fwiw I really hated the suggestion that I had PND, because as far as I was concerned I didn’t have a ‘depression’ that needed curing. I didn’t need to talk to anyone or take medication. I needed a good sleep, a long bath, a night out with friends, some time with my husband where we weren’t looking after the baby, a clean house and a warm meal. I didn’t get any of that as DD was born during the pandemic, and that made it harder, but I don’t consider that depression. And I have a fantastic DH who stepped up and genuinely did everything he could for us - I can’t imagine how anyone copes without a partner who isn’t supportive or does their fair share.

IME all anyone told me was the negatives! You'll never sleep again, you'll worry about them forever, your brain will turn to mush..followed by a pause and then "but its all worth it!". I think I expected it to be hard but you can never really know HOW hard it is until you actually do it. Also as TTC tends to be a secret for most couples, I guess maybe people don't tend to ask other parents whether they should have a child or what it's like until they're pregnant, by which point you're committed. My own DM has a very rose tinted view of her babies, apparently neither of us ever cried, or at least not that she can remember!

@RLRapunzel

I also want to add that it isn't just people around me; its media. TV and films. Watch almost any film and the way motherhood is portrayed in it. Its unrealistic and I believe it sets up so many expectations that are doomed to fail. I think its an issue bigger than just me and my circumstances. I think the perfect motherhood ideals are largely responsible for poor mental health in new mothers; that's kinda the point of my post.

And yes, I was naive.

Definitely depends on what you watch - Knocked Up, Breeders and Workin’ Moms all have some very realistic scenes and themes.

I find Instagram mummy influencers to be the worst, really. I know it’s all mostly made up but I’ve had flashes of feeling guilty when I see perfect nurseries, fun family days out and slim, beautiful mums looking like they’re having a ball. Not a heavy social media user but ended up scrolling a lot during the sleepless nights, so eventually I stopped looking and I feel much better.

A PP said that people don’t want to scare off mothers-to-be - maybe true, but I think it’s important to talk about the realities of parenting. I always answer honestly when people spout platitudes about how wonderful it all must be.

I thought I understood the reality of having a baby and even though there were challenges, I found my maternity leave and the early days pretty amazing. I had some PND in hindsight but that was due to not really dealing with the five years previous of infertility and then three traumatic miscarriages. Plus sleep deprivation. That was torture.

The hardest part has been being a working mum. I’m totally burnt out. My DH is great and does more than has fair share but really, to make my working life great, I need a wife who sorts everything and prioritizes my career over their own.

This is where I feel like the biggest lie has been - that as a working mother in a senior role, I could just carry on advancing my career and juggle the demands of motherhood. The reality has been extremely challenging - direct discrimination, burn out, guilt…

I completely agree OP. Thanks for your honesty.
Maybe it is naivety but I did think my children would fit in with some aspects of life particularly when they were very small.
I agree the portrayal in the media is the fairytale and I think too many mothers feel like a failure if they admit it isn’t what they thought.