The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

You are really naive and sheltered if you thought childbirth and motherhood would be a breeze.

It was when dcs went to school that I found the hardest

I agree - nursery was expensive but it was open 50 weeks a year. When they go to school the chopping and changing is hard to accommodate.

And since Covid I find 8am-6pm holiday childcare has become much more scarce.

Meant to add sorry - I think we should be honest about how it can be rewarding but is ultimately a sacrifice as well. Saying it's all one or the other isn't a clear picture.

I hear you OP, I was one of the oldest children in the wider family, I had never held a baby until I had DS1, if I had left any bigger gap DS2 and Dd wouldn't have been born. I was diagnosed with PND but I'm not sure whether realising you have made a mistake and vocalising it is PND. I felt it was a mistake the moment I gave birth but ignored it believing what I was told, the various phases would be short lived, things would get easier, no they didn't. Doctors, health visitor etc all were full of it, I had it in my head, I was young and as green as grass, that life could be interesting and fulfilling, we could do the things we wanted. Thats BS I then resigned myself to it and then had it in my head I could rebuild my life once the youngest left school..umm..nope..poorly paid jobs, elderly relatives, and a sick DH killed that off...then add a DS with MH problems and my life is passing by without achieving anything. I had to quit my OU degree because I was too exhausted to continue.

Never had the impression motherhood looked easy and/or fun. Was frightened of it for many years!

Not sure why you thought it would be easy breezy. Maybe we haven't watched the same films.

I think you were just naive, and blaming society for lying isn't going to help you.
I knew what was to come with motherhood, but like anything you don't fully know or understand until you're in the situation obviously. There's many TV shows, films, forums, blogs about parenthood that depict an accurate view but if you thought your life would be unchanged then you would have thought the bad parts wouldn't apply to you anyway.

I knew all of that, it's probably why I waited so long to have them.

Had you honestly never babysat or looked after a relatives or friends child before?

Since I've been pregnant (and during the whole period in which we were having IVF) I felt the opposite. Everyone is constantly telling me how hard being a parent is - "sleep while you can!" "it's such hard work" "i wouldn't do it again if you paid me!".... I think I thought about the consequences of my actions when I forked our £10k+ and put my body through IVF.

I think people do tell you - but you don't listen, you don't take it in because you are wrapped up in your baby bubble and it won't happen to you.

I've had 2 very easy babies but after the first I was fraught with PND. I've never felt so lonely in my whole entire life. Everything changes, and nothing can prepare you for this.

Thankfully, the second time around was a much nicer experience for me, I knew what to expect and of course we had already made all of the life changes we needed to. The second one just slotted in.

Having children is certainly one of the hardest things I have done, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Seeing them grow and develop is very fulfilling and does make the hard work worth while 🙂

People say it's different when it's your own child
It is. It's much, much worse because you do all the stuff for them, and give up your autonomy. When that's gone, what have you got left? It's like a prison sentence.

I think I had a pretty good idea - if I'd had my second child first I'd genuinely wonder what all the fuss was about though. We were older than our friends to have children so had seen the state of them after sleepless nights and seen the tantrums in the middle of lunch so nothing really came as a shock.

We're equal parents and on the same page on how we raise our kids but it takes effort and communication, we're also deeply pragmatic and not wedded to any particular parenting goals - "can we get through the day so we can watch TV in the quiet" is my only parenting aim! I do think that some parents, especially mum's, put so much pressure on themselves and that makes it harder - I had a friend who can't go out of an evening because only she can do the bedtime routine and it takes hours, and then is crying that she never gets a break. GET YOUR HUSBAND TO DO IT SARAH.

I think a lot of social media is bollocks though and wish "celebs" had to declare what childcare they use (because they all definitely have nannies) instead of pretending they do it all themselves. Its misleading.

I had the opposite experience tbh.

I've always known that having children is what I wanted on a deeper level than anything. I heard all the horror stories and I don't think any 'life will be a fairytale' stories.

In my experience society doesn't really spin that story anymore - the focus is a lot more on how hard it is.

I grew up around babies and then worked with children and families. I knew how hard it could be, but it's been amazing and I've been pleasantly surprised. I didn't have pnd which would definitely make the experience more challenging. You sound like you're in the thick of it, but it will get better.
I also only have 1dc, not through choice but couldn't have anymore. Having 1dc is not what I saw in my future however it has been fantastic! You get all the good bits of parenting- the love, fun, cuddles, seeing the world through their eyes etc, whilst not having to give up every part of yourself. Parenting my dc has been a joy so far- not looking forward to the teenage years

I get where you are coming from, OP. I was brought up in a very traditional family: men should work, women can work to afford the odd pretty thing until they get married and are supported by their husbands. Children are brilliant and you should of course become a SAHM and give up on a career for good. Motherhood is so rewarding etc. etc. and your life (as a woman) is not complete without kids.

It was purely luck that I didn't happen to get into a stable relationship until after I had been able to remove myself from the family conditioning for a while and think about what I wanted. And I realised I wanted an exciting, fulfilling career and I also didn't want children (and I didn't necessarily want to get married). I think if I had got together with someone in my early 20s who wanted children then I would have just gone along with it and given up my job and the rest, blithely assuming it would all turn out to be ok.

DH did persuade me to get married in the end but I have remained childfree and career-focused. I think that was more through luck than judgement and love my life (disclaimer: I have no doubt that for many men and women, having children is immensely rewarding. It just wasn't for me - but I didn't figure that out until quite a way after putting distance between me and family expectations!)

I actually tried to prepare women expecting their first baby a few times. I had this terrible, futile impulse after my own first baby to try and make them less unprepared than I was, despite knowing in an abstract way about the responsibility and the sleepless nights and the blah blah blah.

My experience is that it slid right off. It was more of what they'd already heard and discounted, or they thought it would be different for them, or they thought it wouldn't really be that bad, or whatever. In all honesty, I had probably heard it all before birth and it slid off me too.

Professional Norland nannies have talked about how much a shock their own first babies were even though babies and children were literally their study and their career. I think motherhood is an experience so intense, physical and visceral that nothing and no-one can adequately prepare you.

I somewhat agree. I don't regret being a mum, and I'd have still had kids if I'd known everything before, but what I struggle with is this idea that becoming a mother (yes mother, not father) means your children are your world, your reason for being, and the constant attempts of guilt tripping if you don't feel like that and if you try to carve a life for yourself outside of kids. I am happy to be a mum, I think I make a good one on the whole, but it is not the main thing about me, I wouldn't even say it's the most important thing about me. Having children is an aspect of my life, I am not defined by motherhood and I get a lot of fulfilment, if not actually more, from other parts of my life. A bit like a man I suppose?!

But to get to this point in my realisation I've had to feel a lot of stress and guilt about not being normal, questioning whether I deserve to be a mum, whether I deserve kids, that they deserve more than me, but actually no, I can still be a good mum, a better one I'd argue actually, to have a healthy relationship with motherhood, not an obsessive one. Giving myself permission to realise this allows me to stop finding parenting relentless because I'm not trying to be something I'm not, I don't obsess or make anything harder than it needs to be, I'm realistic, take each day as it comes, and allow myself to put myself first when needed too. By allowing myself to be me as a mum, not try to be someone else's version of mum has kept a check on my mental health that has in turn, somewhat ironically, enabled me to be a better mum.

@33feethighandrising made a good point about the separateness of the way we live now.

Some people on these boards refuse to answer the door even. 'How dare the neighbour's child come and ask for his ball back!' was the most extreme.
Another case of magnified expectations is weddings. Why do ordinary families think that a £10,000 'Hollywood finale' somewhere exotic is the norm.

@33feethighandrising

I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. My baby didn't have colic, he was a good sleeper and yet still I relate to a lot of what you said.

I don't regret having kids at all, but I agree society lies to mothers about the reality.

Part of the problem is how separate we all are, I think. That we can get to motherhood without really having spent much time around other women while they mother their own babies. And that when we have our own babies, we mother alone, behind closed doors in the early days, while our partners go to work. This set up is normalised in our society but I don't think it's working for mothers to have to do this monumentally life changing, relentless job, without support.

On a more personal level, things should get easier for you now your nearly past the toddler years.

I'm only half way through reading this thread but prompted to say how insightful i find this comment is.

When I had DD there were so many things I found maybe fifty per cent I instinctively knew how to do, but other fifty per cent of sometimes very practical things I realised no one had told me about, not my own mother, not my sisters, not even my neighbours.

Mumsnet and the like didn't exist I think.

I mean things like - breastfeeding for one. There seemed to be a whole generation of women who didn't do it, my mother never spoke about it so I had nothing to draw on. Thank goodness i was able to access La Leche League when I hit a wall on that. And it wasn't just breastfeeding, it was generally just about everything which involved making decisions and possible options as a mum'
'
Think you are right about isolation also.

Then I became a single parent.

What strikes me is how potentially anxiety provoking the major transitions can be...nursery...primary school...secondary...and now sixth form college...

it's a bit better now but especially with covid adding an extra layer of isolation...there have been so many things where I've thought...'I've never done this before, what on earth do I do about x' ...and if I've been lucky there has been a mum or carer at the school gate who has given me a heads up...

So, sometimes I moan, but for this reason right here can I say thank you mumsnetters. It is isolating, often.

We are holding so much down. And the joke of it is there are still battles to be fought for us...after so many centuries. Not without reason have some people said that the pandemic is in danger of sending women back to the nineteen fifties in terms of employment rights, pay, pensions etc.

The joke of it is, like carers in general (though mothers have a special place because we are often carers as well) ...if we DIDN'T do the job as mothers we signed up to do, ultimately the state would have to pick up the tab. In terms of kids going in to care, etc.

So I'm resolved today, to look out for anyone on this board who posts to say 'help I don't know how to do x'.

I never had that in the early years and even later, and I wish I did.
I will try to help.

@PRabbit

Fwiw I really hated the suggestion that I had PND, because as far as I was concerned I didn’t have a ‘depression’ that needed curing. I didn’t need to talk to anyone or take medication. I needed a good sleep, a long bath, a night out with friends, some time with my husband where we weren’t looking after the baby, a clean house and a warm meal Exactly. PND is a perfectly normal reaction to your life, body, freedom and future being taken away overnight. I didn’t need pills - I needed a day off.

This.Well said.

excellent post @beigebrownblue

Had you honestly never babysat or looked after a relatives or friends child before?
No! It was a massive shock to me, I had never fed a baby or changed a nappy before. By all accounts I had a very hard baby though, I’d seen people put their kids to bed at 7pm and I thought I’d be able to do that too (my child has never slept).

Honestly though, the women I saw with babies back in the 80s and 90s were SAHMs with no education and no ambition to work, and the family could manage on one salary. It didn’t prepare me for being a degree educated mum in the 2020s who wants a career and needs two incomes to pay the mortgage.

I'm sorry you've had a difficult time with a useless partner.
However how did you not consider that babies need feeding lots through the night, that you can't just fly off on holiday on a whim with a 2 year old, that teething is actually the punishment God meted out for original sin etc?

DS was not a fairytale child. He nearly died. 18 months with 50% in hospital. Twins just before lockdown and o remember crying that they cried because they hated me. So this isn't some perfect family scenario.

But shot men isn't the default and I wouldn't have had more than one of he'd been one. Decent friends don't dump you. We went out to all sort of places with DS as a small baby and left him at home with Daddy when he got older. I'm going to the cinema tomorrow alone whilst DH has all 3.

You need to expect more from your partner. I hope you find the next year's easier

A good partner helps but it doesn't take away from all the shite. I agree it's like prison. DH would be at work and unless I paid for childcare I was entirely trapped unable to do the most simple things like go to the dentist or get a haircut until they hit school age.

As for teenagers, well they don't go to bed until later than you often so you never get any bloody peace.

It all just goes on for so long. Surely it must have been better when they left school at 15and got a job

Thank you for this post OP, we need a more balanced view on parenthood. I hope your situation improves soon

You can know the negatives but not really understand what it will be like. I experienced that. Also I think people don’t necessarily lie to you but if they had their kids 10+ years ago they can forget some of the negatives and have a rose tinted view of it.

I do agree that society and media does have an unrealistic view and image of motherhood. You’ll have a poor mother on a tv show but she’ll always have babysitters on call to go off and do whatever she wants to do. Or if a character has a child on the show their life won’t change much.

Having a supportive partner does help a tremendous amount and can help with things like keeping up hobbies (obviously not to same extent) and having a decent rest etc. I’m lucky to have that.