The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

I can't think of a film that's about how amazing motherhood is - it would be quite a boring film? The moment of first holding your child after labour is often shown as an amazing one in films, and I know not all women find that, but I can't think of a film where the actual parenting of a baby isn't portrayed as really hard work. I think the most unrealistic thing about children in films is that they often seem to disappear as the plot requires - people spend a lot less time sorting out childcare logistics than they should - but that's sort of like no one needing the toilet in a film.

I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life
Me neither OP. Everyone witters on about babies being portable and you can go where you want - no you fucking can’t because you’re too tired and have no money because you can’t work. I saw other mums having fulfilling lives without really understanding that either a.they were rich and could afford childcare, b.that they were being facilitated by free family childcare, mostly grandmas and aunties. My baby arrived and I discovered that I was tied 24:7, I didn’t even get to have a shower and a sleep, and it was soul destroying. Like being put in prison but worse. I also found out that if you have any health issue related to child bearing you’ll be totally disregarded by the NHS, they’ll just shrug and say you have a healthy baby so it doesn’t matter if you have life changing injuries, you should be happy.

The biggest thing for me though has been the physical disfigurement. Not once in all the news articles about celeb mums did I see someone with an apron tummy and two different sized boobs, complaining about pissing themselves. But that’s what happened. I genuinely thought it was the norm to bounce back with just a few stretch marks.

Agree about media, TV and film representations of motherhood. DC rarely even appear on screen, that’d interrupt their parents’ work or love lives

Had realistic info from my mum, also one friend who had a DC with a useless - then emotionally abusive - partner.

But hugely underestimated the impact, health, time, energy, work, relationships.

IMO a key problem is that almost all men are unwilling to do a fair share of parenting and domestic work.

Fwiw I really hated the suggestion that I had PND, because as far as I was concerned I didn’t have a ‘depression’ that needed curing. I didn’t need to talk to anyone or take medication. I needed a good sleep, a long bath, a night out with friends, some time with my husband where we weren’t looking after the baby, a clean house and a warm meal
Exactly. PND is a perfectly normal reaction to your life, body, freedom and future being taken away overnight. I didn’t need pills - I needed a day off.

I sort of know what you mean, but having grown up in a family and watched my (very honest) friends have children, I wasn't unprepared for it to be hard work. The only part that I have struggled with is childcare so I can work - I hadn't realised how much support my friends got from family, or what a difference it would make living far from family.

Can I ask, OP, are you going to have another child?

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

And I get being a bit rose-tinted - and agree that nothing can prepare you for the reality of things like sleep deprivation even if you know about it theoretically - but surely you didn't really think this? Had you never seen a baby cry on the bus or in a shop, never seen frazzled parents at the airport, never wondered why then world is awash with memes about mummy needing wine?! I had my first at the same time as you and I remember that social media and traditional media both seemed absolutely full of stories about women 'bravely admitting' to regretting their children when I was pregnant!

I 100% agree with you OP. I think instagram/facebook (things that people tend to stare at multiple times a day, every day) have a lot to answer for here. I also think its expected of women to have children, as it always has been. Whats different nowadays though is that we dont live in tight knit communities anymore, so the support network just isnt there. Thats also a contributing factor.

But hugely underestimated the impact, health, time, energy, work, relationships.

I'm lucky in that I have hands on family close by, work p/t, DH pulls his weight, cleaner etc but it's still a juggle & I cannot stay on top of everything & not feel tired. Covid/lockdowns obviously not helped.

I also feel the same way about BF. Nobody tells you the truth. Not even the NHS trusts we give birth in. I think there would be more women who continued BF if we werent lied too. I say this as someone who tried BF, and ended up FF.

The other thing I would say is the ongoing non acceptance among some people I know seems to perpetuate the misery.

I've had a relative really struggle and say I hate being a mum and I wish I hadn't done it. No judgement here and I understand. Life changes irrevocably and you cannot undo it and that is hard.

Having said that when you have the same person still saying that several years later...there comes a point where you just have to say, I feel your pain but it is done now, there is no undoing it and perhaps the constant lamenting is making you even more miserable.

Try and reach some kind of acceptance as you can't give your kids back.

To be honest I think it's a fine line to tred as mothers. My mother made it pretty clear that she wished she'd never had me, it was very obvious that she didn't enjoy motherhood and I actually wish she had been more like your mother and positive about the experience. I don't want my own children to feel that way, so I tell them that they are absolutely the best thing that I have ever done. Will I tell them the reality one day? I don't know - it's difficult to discuss with your own children.

I was watching a film last night and in that they mention that the only years that are truly our own are the years between leaving home and having children- that really struck a chord with me, and I thought about my childless (by choice) friends and how they have their whole lives to be themselves. But the biological pull to gave children is very real and was all consuming for me at times.

I relate to so much of what you say OP. Motherhood is hard, it's relentless and overwhelming. I hope you are okay. Do you have people irl to support you? You sound very much like you need some support st the moment.

My mum was excellent at telling the truth about bf & supporting me.

I also want to add that it isn't just people around me; its media. TV and films. Watch almost any film and the way motherhood is portrayed in it.

Most things are portrayed unrealistically in films and TV - everyone is witty, clever and good-looking (unless they are The Villain), sex involves falling seamlessly into someone's arms and having a beautifully choreographed shag, while all your make-up stays intact. Of course film children spend their lives saying cute things, being wise beyond their years or amusingly precocious, being touchingly thoughtful to their parents.

If you're thinking of doing something life-changing, talk to others who have done it. Research online (not Facebook/Instagram where people are trying to make their lives look perfect, but forums like this one where they tell it like it is).

Don't rely on TV and films to educate you.

I think the difference in the past is that families were bigger and more involved with each other’s lives so everyone would grow up around babies and small children so were more aware of the practicalities. Even when I was a child in the 80s the majority of mothers were SAHM.

I take my hat off to anyone who has children without wider family support close by and has to balance work and kids.

Not that it is an excuse for them but I think the expectation of the fathers to do 50/50 is very new and hopefully will be seen as the norm in future generations.

I don't know where you got the idea that it was all some sort of fairytale?

It's everywhere - people are always moaning about getting no sleep, feeling frazzled and worn out, having no money, no down time, worried about their children.

I suppose until you're in the thick of it you can't comprehend it. Personally I found the baby stage easier than I expected purely because I had seen so much negativity about having babies.

It's a shame you're not enjoying it - but don't assume nobody does.

I’m most interested in PPs who take the long view — what it’s like when the DC are older. Yes the early years are hard, especially without much family support, but it does get easier, and then you have these wonderful people in your life.

I also know many women who have chosen to remain child free and I totally get why they made that decision.

I tell you what no one tells you about....the teenage years. Honestly the early years are challenging but it's teenage years that have really made me regret motherhood. It's absolutely fucking hell

I could deal with the early years even though I worked full time. It was when dcs went to school that I found the hardest. I had to keep uniforms clean while having breakfast.

They always wanted sonething random for art or dress up. The school only told you a day or two in advance. I would be trying to search for the thing at lunchtime at work, where there was only a small selection of shops.

Coming home at nearly 6 om, doing honework, searching the schoolbags for notes was very hard. I often missed notes and the dcs were too small to tell if eg they had sports day or half day.

When they reached 9 if got a bit better, they would know if there was a sports day, book day and told me. They needed less help with homework.

What I found VERY hard was no childminding outside of our minder. I thought grandparents would take then every month ot two for us to have a night out. Colleagues had grandparents taking dcs to seaside for a few nights in the summer. If you have babysitting you can have more personal time and don't feel ground down. The hardest thing for me was only meeting friends after work every few months for a coffee, and having to book dh for minding. I often sent them to minders and took a day off just to go for a lunch out and walk round the shops.

it sounds like you are really in the thick of it right now which is a terrible place to be. My life improved a lot once DC started sleeping well, and started nursery. I had time for myself again.

I'm sorry you felt lied to / cheated OP.

I think it's not as simple as either way really. I did know having DC would be hard, probably not as hard as it has been in reality. But it being all fulfilling and wonderful has been true for me as well. I think this is true - but only if you want it / find it fulfilling. Which is perhaps hard to know whether it will in advance. For me it's been worth it but I am much further out. I have a 12yo, 2yo and soon to be born one. If you'd asked me when my first child was between 3 and 5 I was really struggling and I probably would have said it wasn't worth it overall. But in hindsight I can see what would have helped during that time and I'd probably even go through those years again if it was a choice of that vs never have children, even though they were the hardest/worst years of my life.

But there are a lot of things in life which are hard AND ultimately rewarding. I have absolutely no desire to run a marathon. I highly respect those who do. I just don't know if it would be as rewarding for me because it's not something I've ever had a strong desire to do really. And therefore all the prep work and the pain etc probably isn't worth it.

Same for being a nurse or a police officer or owning a horse or renovating a house. There are lots of things in life like that. Having children just happens to be a much longer lasting and larger scale one than most of the other ones.

If I had my time again I just wouldn't bother,[seriously][I've warned the daughters already] both now adults. For a mother/woman expected to have IT ALL it's a constant worry and stress,your thinking for the whole family 24/7.If anything positive has come from motherhood it's made me the ultimate strategist.

I think people do you tell you the negatives e.g people love to tell you about sleepless nights but they don’t talk about the impact of that on you. I honestly would have swapped my baby first week for a decent sleep I was that miserable. I didn’t really love my baby till about 6 months when he actually started sleeping for more than 10 minutes at a time. No one ever said I’d feel like that because of the sleepless nights.

My dc are 10/13. I still don't say I've got my life back. Covid means they've barely been at school. My youngest cannot be left alone...I still would need a babysitter if I went out or childcare if I worked. Past year I may as well have been stuck at home with pre schoolers in terms of my own freedom and life