The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

To be honest, I've found the opposite to be true. So much doom-mongering about how hard, tiring, relentless, boring, etc. it will be. It's nowhere near as bad as they made it out to be.

Babyhood and childhood aren't forever. You aren't condemned to changing nappies for the rest of your life.

@RLRapunzel I've not had time to read your whole thread (parenting! ) but I read your OP and tbh I am a bit surprised. Nobody ever explained to me that having children would be hard, but I figured it would be. I mean, you're going to be responsible 24/7 for a helpless baby and need to meet all of their needs and put yours second, and that will continue in some form for at least 18 years. That was the deal, that's what it means to become a parent and I am surprised anybody could make such a serious decision without thinking through such obvious practicalities. It's not like there isn't information available to read; parenting books, endless threads here, and all over the internet!

Lots of women experience the intensity of it all as a bit of a shock but 3 years later I'd expect you to be finding it a bit easier, not being angry about it. I'd suggest more counselling as it sounds like your PND has not been fully treated yet.

In years to come you will be glad you did this. I say this as a single parent of 2 under 4 (and have been for most of that!). Of course these early years are relentless, but they also go by so fast then life will be much more like you remember before, but so much richer for having a family that you can enjoy for the next 30 or 40 years to make up for the 5ish years of exhaustion! Definitely worth it IMO.

I totally agree with you, I had never wanted children, got pregnant due to contraceptive failure & had a miscarriage. Then I got persuaded to try for a baby. I had another miscarriage & after 6 months due to my age was referred for fertility treatment. My appointment came through the day we were going on holiday, all week I kept thinking that I wasn't bothered about having children, was in an awful mood & could have argued with my own shadow. When we got home I realised my period was late & did a test, I was pregnant. I was really depressed right through my pregnancy, I didn't know if we were doing the right thing having a baby. I got sent to hospital at 36+5 as I had pre eclampsia, I was induced & was in labour for 60 hours until they decided I needed an emcs & was very poorly afterwards in high dependency. I had never imagined that how long it would take, how painful it would be & how violated I would feel afterwards, I didn't know anyone who had a C section or who had been so poorly afterwards, I also thought I would have this rush of love as soon as they put my baby in my arms, instead I was numb. When I came home I was so sleep deprived, I had been in hospital 6 nights with very little sleep, ds screamed for the first 2 nights we were home, he was continuously hungry even though I was bottle feeding. Nobody told me it would have been like that, the leaflet they gave me said he would need a feed every 3-4 hours, not that by the time I had fed him, winded him, changed him & put him back in his cot I would be lucky if it was more than 2 hours before he needed feeding again. It should have been no surprise that I got PND, at first everyone said it was just the baby blues, it would pass but after 2 weeks I was suicidal, my midwife put me in her car & took me to the doctors who diagnosed pnd & put me on antidepressants. My mum looked after me for nearly a month, she helped me to gain the confidence to do everything you do as a mum as well as making me eat & look after myself. If anyone had told me all this before I would never have had a baby.

I don’t think society misportrays motherhood and like others say, I think it depends who you speak to. I’m a FTM and have struggled majorly and considered seeing the GP about it being PND but I think I’m just crying over the reality. Like someone else said, I don’t have depression, I just need a good sleep and some self care and a decent meal without my baby for once.

What I do think the problem is in this society is the lack of support for new mothers and the disconnect amongst people nowadays. I think in previous times, family would have usually all lived local, neighbours would have been friends and there would have been no social media and more proper interaction. I think western culture is bad in that respect, people are increasingly isolated which is very hard as a mum who needs personal support. On top of that, women now more than ever have full lives without children…careers, social lives and lots going on so to stop all that, makes it that much harder. I have found motherhood completely isolating and crave any plan however big or small to make my day feel like it is something beyond just motherhood. I had so much going on in my life before my baby and at times resent that. I love my little boy but am still waiting for this epiphany of when it’s all worth it because I still find it all completely relentless

I'm conflicted about this because for me living in a large intergenerational household would probably be my idea of hell most of the time and being roped into caring duties would have cramped my style when younger. But obviously this way of living would help stop mums and babies from being isolated from mainstream life like they are today.

I agree.
It's like an omerta.
No-one is allowed to tell the truth. Least of all women and mothers.

@GrandmasCat

I think a huge part of the problem is that a lot of people think that just because you choose to be in a relationship, it is your right or obligation to provide or be provided with kids for/by your OH.

You will have a multitude of people telling you you are selfish if you don’t want to have kids. We also have this ideal of family life that doesn’t match reality. Apparently, you are going to experience domestic bliss with a husband/wife, two kids and a pet.

Sadly you only learn after divorce that 80% of your married friends are in shit relationships and apparently staying only for the children, who are, most of the time, more a responsibility than a joy. We all love our children too much to complain about them or the gift of having them in our lives, but they are bloody hard relentless work.

I would say however, that it is a bit off to blame others for not telling you about the ancient “truth” that all children are hard work. Haven’t you seen a child having a tantrum in a park, breaking stuff in the supermarket, fighting with their siblings?

If it helps, babies are dead boring and hard work, from 3 to 10 they are great fun, it just gets better and better, then they take a step back and immerse themselves in their own world as they go through secondary school, and I will promise you that at this stage, instead of enjoying the quietness, you will be madly missing the days when they relentlessly followed you around chattering non stop.

I took a lot from this post, thank you.

You aren't condemned to changing nappies for the rest of your life.

Changing nappies is the easy bit!!!

@peasoup8

You aren't condemned to changing nappies for the rest of your life.

Changing nappies is the easy bit!!!

Exactly. The baby stage can be hard work but it's incredibly short...blink and you miss it. I'd rather change hundreds of shitty nappies a day than deal with a moody teenager

@MoreAloneTime don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t like to live all under one roof and am sometimes glad I don’t have people just dropping in on me constantly but even on my street, there’s about ten families I can count with young babies and in the olden days, I imagine would be a lot more forthcoming in talking and just being there for each other.

My mum says motherhood is overanalysed nowadays and everything has a name, I agree and I’m terrible for it but I think this is why so many mums find it awful now, including myself!

My mum says motherhood is overanalysed nowadays and everything has a name

I agree with this but I wouldn't dare say it in real life for fear of causing offence. I'm not sure what's driving it but I don't think it's healthy at all.

And all the rules for babies and toddlers safety and wellbeing. I'm not here to quibble the necessity of any of them but I think it's fair to say that they do add another layer of anxiety and mum guilt that previous generations of mums wouldn't have had.

I can’t really relate to this. Parenting is much harder than I anticipated but I think that’s due to not understanding the full extent of sleep deprivation, not being lied to. DS1 screamed for the first 6 months solid, it was beyond hard. But now he’s 3.5, I’ve seen how much easier life has become (he still has his moment!) and it’s far more enjoyable. DS2 is more laid back as a baby although I really wish he’d sleep better. Life is more exhausting with two, but I know the baby tears aren’t forever and I’m looking forward to the point where we can go out as a family without worrying about nappies and naps etc followed by a full nights sleep. Yes, I miss having time to myself and sometimes just being able to simply perform basic self care without it being a massive hassle, but I do love my kids in a way I’ve never loved anyone else, I don’t regret them for a moment and it is all worth it in the end. I definitely feel that the days are long but the years are short.

Yes @MoreAloneTime and @Fletcher567 I wonder if the pressure of motherhood is increased these days with the rise of competitive parenting in light of social media etc, I really don't think my mum spent as much time analysing things as I do. Perhaps as well the internet in general and amount of research many of us do, I know my mum just listened to her dr and sister, but I had a much wider pool than that!

As much as I hate to say it, if I had my time again I/we wouldn’t have had children, Probably says more about us as parents, didn’t/don’t find any of it enjoyable, Have 3, 2 still life at home (30, 26 )
Parenthood just wasn’t/ isn’t for us, I know your not ment to say it, but you don’t like everything in life

@Sirius99 if you don’t mind me asking, why did you go on to have two more after your first if it wasn’t for you? We’ve got an 8 month old and can’t ever see ourselves choosing to go through this again but everyone keeps saying oh you’ll forget about it etc. I’d like to reach a point where the difficulty of this period is forgotten but don’t know if we’d still want another.

We had them close together, not saying we were forced into it, both of are parents kept on and on about a grand children, we didn’t or thought we didn’t just want one, the third was an accident, sterilised soon after. 5 years between the three,

I was sort of prepared for the crying and tiredness, but there was still plenty that shocked me. I wasn't prepared for the loneliness I sometimes have and total lack of me time. Sometime going to the loo is the only time I have all day by myself! (LO is 5m)
I went to a good antenatal class (not NCT) which didn't sugarcoat post birth stresses but I found that on my own. The midwife never gave me info on antenatal classes which surprised me as without them I would've had a hell of a shock!

@Sirius99

As much as I hate to say it, if I had my time again I/we wouldn’t have had children, Probably says more about us as parents, didn’t/don’t find any of it enjoyable, Have 3, 2 still life at home (30, 26 ) Parenthood just wasn’t/ isn’t for us, I know your not ment to say it, but you don’t like everything in life

I wouldn't do it again and I'm horrified at the thought of having adult children living at home. I'd quite like an empty nest please

Comedycook
If someone had told 30 years ago I’d still have children at home, I’d of ran away, I long for the day to go home to an empty house,

@Sirius99

Comedycook If someone had told 30 years ago I’d still have children at home, I’d of ran away, I long for the day to go home to an empty house,

Yes I'm longing for that day too and mine are only 10/13! Not sure I can cope with another twenty years!

Parenting today is so much harder. The expectation, the pressure, the guilt, the worry, the juggling of work, house, kids activities, screen time, healthy eating, it's relentless and falls on women.

My parents used corporal punishment routinely.

We left the house at 10am in the holidays and came home when it was dark, they hadn't got a clue where we were. We had a banana and bread and butter for lunch stuffed in our pockets. Tv was what they wanted to watch.

My whole life is centred on my kids for the aforementioned reasons. I love being a mum it's been the best thing ever for me but no doubt I've lost myself.

I haven't read the whole thread but thank you for writing this.
You are either my long sister or me in a parallel dimension 😂
This is totally how I feel. It's shit. Echo the parts about partner being bloody useless. My mother was totally fucking blase when I asked her about having kids and said it was fine. In truth I think she blocked out having 2 under 2 in the 80s out as whenever I ask her about she says now 'I can't remember...it was 35 years ago!!' 🙄🙄
If you admit it in real life people look at you like you're mass murderer. I don't know why society is like this but I'll happily tell everyone the truth.

Thank you again. Much love

I can relate to this. I have ds 6 and dd 2 and if id known how hard dd would be I would never have had 2 its relentless.