The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

I agree with you OP. I definitely had been handled a big pair of rose tinted glasses from an early age about motherhood and 'having it all', partly from my mum and grandma but also from the limited friends with kids by that point (we were some of the first to have kids in our friendship group). MN was on its infancy when DC1 was born and there was little in the way of alternative views in my life.

I've always wanted kids and I don't think that would have changed but I wish someone would have prepared me for the scale of the culture shock and told me the importance of some sort of support network (my mum, the hermit, certainly didn't and didn't model it either). Yes I was naive but not through choice.

@DisgruntledPelican

I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now.

That’s pretty much what I thought parenting would be like. I was criticised by family, friends and midwives throughout my pregnancy for being too negative and not seeing any positives; to me, it was just being realistic! Luckily the reality of parenting has been rather better than I imagined, but I still get overwhelmed sometimes at the permanence of it all, and the responsibility. Especially during lockdown when there have been no chances of a break from a willing babysitter.

But those were the messages I’d picked up from society, talking to friends with children and reading MN. I always thought that people who told me motherhood would change and improve my life and being endless joy were talking bollocks. When I became pregnant unexpectedly in my early thirties, I did a lot of thinking about whether parenthood was genuinely what I wanted, as I don’t think I would have chosen it.

Did you seek treatment for PND?

I’m hoping this will be my experience because I am currently pregnant and never wanted children because I know what its like. I’ve also been a nanny for 17 years and not only know the realities of being in charge of small people all day everyday, but how exhausting it is for working parents to come home after a days work then deal with the sleepless nights.

It seems relentless, horrendous and I was blissfully enjoying my child free holidays around the world. But then I got pregnant and I contemplated not keeping it but I couldn’t. I now love this little thing inside me but my whole life is about to be uprooted (literally I have to move as my place isn’t big enough and I’m scared ) but at least I’m aware??? send help

To pick up on points from previous posters, there are a few problems with how society treats motherhood: mothers are isolated, shut away in their homes alone with the baby, having to summon up energy they don’t have to drag around baby groups and walk walk walk with the buggy, whereas a more communal, community approach would be gentler and more human - friends and relatives helping and rallying round, a natural daily sharing of the burden. And if we’re lucky we do get some help but the main landscape is that of the isolated mum having to take it upon herself to get out in the search of sisterhood and friendship and support and often not finding it, It is no wonder new mothers suffer PND so readily.

Plus mothers are consumers within society and in order to sell to us we need to be presented with an ideal and how it looks - who we should be, and how all these products support that. Whether or not we buy the stuff, the ideal is drummed into us and a sense of failure - or the tension of ‘keeping up’ with the ideal - is a part of our consciousness.

Then the pressure and necessity of going back to work. The housing market meaning that we need two salaries to survive. Working is great for mums but often we are pushed back too soon, or FT when we would rather PT. As soon as your kid arrives some
of us are worrying about nurseries/childminders. New mothers should be allowed a very soft landing, a nurturing support structure around them as they nurse their babies to a state of thriving - but there’s so much to fight, both outer and inner.

For me it was the best of times and the worst of times - I did get the euphoria and deep sense of connection and I am grateful for my DC every day. But fuck it was hard.

I think 33feethighandrising makes a good point about the separateness in society. Someone else asked a question surprised that women here hadn’t looked after any relative’s babies or done any childcare experience. I think that’s the norm here whereas it isn’t in other cultures which are more collective. Apart from short visits to relatives I’d never spent time around babies.

I think that is more of a reason for the shock to some mothers than the representation of mothers in media.

For all the crap, the good really does outweigh the bad. You may have a bad night, wake up more tired than you went to bed, but still love and hug that little person regardless!

@inappropriateraspberry

For all the crap, the good really does outweigh the bad. You may have a bad night, wake up more tired than you went to bed, but still love and hug that little person regardless!

See I find this sort of thing so annoying. It's not about one night where you're tired but awww, cute baby cuddles the next day. It's about eighteen years of crushing responsibility, anxiety, lack of freedom and endless drudgery

I'm not saying it's one crappy night, it's every night and all day with no time to yourself etc. But you still love them, and it's still worth it.

Pretty much everyone loves their kids...it's virtually irrelevant to even say it.

Is it worth it? Hmmm I don't know.

Yeah, that’s trite shite!

Yes, I agree it goes on way too long. Like another poster here, I have decided after many years of suffering and feeling stifled, that I'm not following the cultural mummy narrative any more.
I'm a single mother and when I read the definition of modern day slavery, I saw similarities. Our culture gaslights us to some extent.

a more communal, community approach would be gentler and more human - friends and relatives helping and rallying round, a natural daily sharing of the burden

This sounds lovely if I imagine myself as the recipient of all this help, but to be honest much less appealing if I think about endlessly having to help with other people's children as part of the deal!

@Hardbackwriter

a more communal, community approach would be gentler and more human - friends and relatives helping and rallying round, a natural daily sharing of the burden

This sounds lovely if I imagine myself as the recipient of all this help, but to be honest much less appealing if I think about endlessly having to help with other people's children as part of the deal!

Ha yeah I take your point! But if it was truly communal no one would be overburdened, there would be enough free time and choice to go round. But a society like that is almost unimaginable to us now.

With regards to loving our children, this isn't enough if it destroys you as a person in your own right. I've come to realize that my autonomy, in my own right, as a human being is the most precious thing in the world. I'm working to get it back.
In any case, we get 'love them' shoved down our throats by society.

The thing is, it's all such a gamble. One of the things that most scared me about having children is that I'd heard so much about it being bad for your mental health and particularly about anxiety, and that was something that I'd previously suffered from badly (antidepressants and lots of therapy badly, unable to work for a time badly). Fertility issues and recurrent miscarriage were indeed terrible for my mental health and I was convinced that PND was essentially inevitable on e I realised that my fourth pregnancy might actually result in a baby - but, to my surprise, even though I did struggle at times with my first baby my mental health was and still is much improved, and the time since I had him is the longest I've ever gone without an episode of anxiety and depression. I know I was very lucky and unusual but I'm so glad that I didn't decide against having my children due to that fear. But many other - many more - women would have the opposite experience.

@GettingUntrapped

With regards to loving our children, this isn't enough if it destroys you as a person in your own right. I've come to realize that my autonomy, in my own right, as a human being is the most precious thing in the world. I'm working to get it back. In any case, we get 'love them' shoved down our throats by society.

Yep just a way to guilt trip women into accepting their shit lives

But that is exactly why places like Mumsnet are so important

When I was in the throes of PND with a reflux baby who screamed for hours, I posted on here (when it was still a small site) to say I felt frightened by my inner rage. My rage was not aimed at my baby, but at society and women’s roles and I just vented. I got so many replies if women sho felt the same, it was really heartening

Looking back now, with my kids age 16 and 18, I think motherhood IS tough, but yes, also something that makes me very happy.

But it is hard work. And most of it falls to women. Well, in many cases it does, ime.

Just keep looking after yourself, and taking time off.

My turning point was when kids were toddlers and I decided to be more like DH, to “think like a man”, ie putting myself first without guilt. Going out with friends, whilst DH holds the fort. Doing my sport whilst kids are in kids club. Not being a cookie baking crafting sorta mum , but one that at times goes off to do her own thing

Most people saying motherhood is awful seem to have more than one child. Why is that?

@sociallydistained I highly recommend getting the book, 'Im ok, you're a brat!' by Susan Jeffers. It's the best, most comprehensive book on motherhood I've ever read.

See I find this sort of thing so annoying. It's not about one night where you're tired but awww, cute baby cuddles the next day. It's about eighteen years of crushing responsibility, anxiety, lack of freedom and endless drudgery

I honestly find these comments equally annoying because that is not everyone's experience. For many people, they don't feel a crushing sense of responsibility, loss of freedom for 18years (perhaps the first few years,yes) or endless drudgery. That's just some people's experience.

I think for me, I felt cross that society had set me up as thinking that somehow biology would help me out,the maternal instinct, the rush of love and all that. I expected it to be hard but I expected love as well. When I had to really work hard at the love, I felt cheated and like a failure

You're right about the lying, and they (i.e. my mum) think it's funny too. Though it might be my PND brain that makes me think this way. I have PND after a traumatic birth resulting in a blood transfusion and feelings of failure around stopping breastfeeding (there are even more lies about this) and I was nearly hallucinating from lack of sleep. It's not that I didn't know that babies wake frequently, but things like some babies not accepting being put in a cot, or some babies projectile vomiting every day, or some babies with colic as you've mentioned were not things anyone really spoke about and weren't mentioned by midwives or in the antenatal package I had. Things are designed to keep you calm before giving birth I guess. Also there's no guarantee of what temperament your baby will have, how your birth will be etc. I don't regret having my baby but I never foresaw or would have believed it could be this hard.

There's lots of stuff in society now that portrays the shit bits of being a parent - motherland, breeders, the unmumsy mum, man vs. toddler, I could go on. I appreciate it may not have all been there when u had your kids op but it's very much out there nowadays I think.

I had a friend who can't go out of an evening because only she can do the bedtime routine and it takes hours, and then is crying that she never gets a break. GET YOUR HUSBAND TO DO IT SARAH.

Exactly this. Many of my friends do it themselves. There's also a post earlier saying she started to 'think like a man and put herself first' and then things changed.

I appreciate some things are biological in terms of hormones and how they make you think and feel but I do think women sometimes choose not to put themselves first and it becomes a short sighted downward spiral.

You cannot be the best version of yourself without putting yourself at times first. Some people haven't separated from their children for years even for a few hours and wonder why they're miserable?

One of the things I’ve noticed is that media depictions of motherhood always involve healthy happy kids with loads of friends. That isn’t the reality for a lot of mums. I’ve seen two relatives have children with profound disabilities and basically their lives are over because they’re 24:7 carers for people who are now profoundly disabled adults. It’s not surprising that when I was pregnant I felt afraid because I was rolling the dice with a chance of ending up in their situation.

I had a friend going stir crazy at month three and would not leave her child with a really capable DH to even go for a walk around the block. Whilst her DH had been back at work since week 2.

What the hell did she think was going to happen to her child while she went for a walk around the block? I had very little sympathy for her.