The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

Thank you for your honesty OP. I was up 3-5 times a night for 5 years (2DC). DC and DH combined almost finished me and my career off over the last 10 years. I think the problem is that it doesn’t matter how much people tell you about motherhood, you don’t believe it until you are in the thick of it and then it’s too late. And once your life has been taken over by one small child you might as well make it 2 or 3. It’s impossible to imagine how hideous it is. For me milestones of life getting better happened when the youngest turned 3 and then 5, and it’s pretty much plateaued since (youngest is 8). I don’t know a single happily married couple with young kids. DH has improved, but it’s required a few ultimatums along the way. You aren’t alone

I agree OP, for me the lie is that it’s hard but worth it, that nothing is as fulfilling or could compare. Maybe my brain just doesn’t work that way but I haven’t found that it feels worth it, it just is what it is. My quality of life is factually lower than it was pre DC.

The previous poster who talked about how mothers are isolated got it spot on. We aren’t designed to sit at home alone all day with small children. It’s partly how our society is and how it views motherhood that makes it worse. That was a big part of the lie for me. Everyone encourages you to have children but then once you have them you are on your own, literally, because after all, you chose this and lots of women have had it much harder so just get on with it.

I was lucky, I had an extremely easy baby that slept a lot and was very happy, I was 21 and my sister said it's probably his survival instinct kicking in because I was so young and inexperienced lol.
Actually I'd have committed suicide many years ago if it hadn't been for my son, I have complex PTSD and he gave me a reason for living that I didn't have before.
Not saying it wasn't tough working full time and being a single mum but we did ok.
Now he's nearly 40 I really don't know what I would have done without him, he is always around and I happily share a house with him and DiL because they couldn't get on the housing ladder without my share of the money.
We have one house split into two with separate entrances.
I think you'll find when you LO grows up it will all be worth it.

I’d have thought it was only common sense to know that it’s going to be hard work, with sleepless nights and plenty of worries thrown in, plus children are expensive (and become more so as they get older), etc.

That’s presumably why some people decide not to have them.

For others, the positives outweigh the negatives. Or far outweigh them.

I can’t think who on earth, with average common sense, would honestly imagine it’s all going to be like some rosy, soft-focus breeze - and then complain that ‘society’ has lied to them.

I think you were very naive if you thought it would all be lovely and your life wouldn't change. Of course it's hard work and bloody awful at times, BUT I feel it is worth it. The good times really do outweigh the bad and make it all worthwhile.
Just remember that as the way get older, you will be able to be more 'you' and less 'mum.'

The idea you can have it all is a bit of a myth & generally relies on family support &/or money.

I honestly think sorting out sleep issues early one is key to making the early years easier.

No sleep just makes everything worse and it doesn't have to be that way.

You're right.

I've started telling my younger family members and childless friends the truth.

I also think that the media on the most part is actually pretty honest about parenthood. Soap operas show PND, medical issues etc. Comedians use it as a big chunk of their set. There are loads of programmes, podcasts etc about being a parent.
The only unrealistic thing I've seen is pregnancy and labour in Hollywood movies.
And there are so many forums, like this one, which will give you great advice

You've framed this like it's an either/or situation. Either perfect or hell. It's just not like that. I think you have some peacemaking to do, because your child obviously depends on you. Children always come with challenges but I have never had resentment like this. While I felt underinformed about the newborn period, I never felt lied to. In fact I wanted to figure things out for myself. So I hope you find the healing you are looking for.

Not everyones experience is the same. I haven't had to give up my lofe or my hobbies or anything. When dd was a baby we went out for dinner as usual, round to friends houses for evenings, as she got older we just altered the timings so theh would either be napping or sleeping.

We've gone on days out, weekends away without dd as friends or family look after her.

I believe you only have to drasticallly change your life if you chose to. We hqve never been dicated by dd's routine, yeah some things take a bit more planning but we didn't miss out on anything wr would normally do because we had a baby. But we made a conscious decision not to let it before she was born

Did you not google anything when you were pregnant? Any google on babies will come up with the likes of colic, 4th trimester etc etc.

OP did you not do any research?!

I’m not going to disagree that being a parent is hard, it really is, and I’ve had (still have at times) two bad sleepers. But why on earth did you not expect your life to change?

I’m not sure why it’s such a surprise that for a good few years at least your life revolves around your children. That should be pretty obvious. But there’s no reason why the vast majority of parents can’t still have some time to themselves. I still manage to get to the gym, see friends occasionally, etc. as do all of my friends with kids.

If you have a useless husband or partner that’s an entirely different issue.

I disagree. It's so en vogue these days (perhaps not 3 years ago) to say how shit motherhood is and profess that we're perfect mums.

Also, your personal outlook on motherhood depends on your own attitude and circumstances. A mother who has mum friends and a supportive husband/general support system might find motherhood far easier than a mother who has no mum friends, is a single mother or has aDH who isn't hands on and works long hours, for example.

My very personal perspective is that the first few months are fucking HARD (DS had tongue tie, reflux and was a velcro baby) and makes you mourn your own life terribly BUT it gets easier, better and so much more enjoyable as you get alot more back for what you give.

I think you are right but the media things isn't just mother hood... it's everything.
Get a husband you'll be so happy, get a house and you can host wonderful dinner parties, buy this car, have this much money.... blah blah nothing on TV, social media, magazines is based on real life they are all there to sell you something!

As for others not telling you well, some people may have but in my experience when you try to explain to people they never really comprehend it!
When my SIL was pregnant we tried to tell her about the lack of sleep, her response was that she's an insomniac anyway so was used to it... we then tried to explain that having insomnia and going downstairs to watch tv and midnight was slightly different to dealing with a screaming baby through out the night but she didn't want to hear it. And I'm sure we were the same before having DD.
Unfortunately there is really is no life experience that can prepare you for life with a child... you can not comprehend it until you have one.
And every child and mother is different. How you react to have a colicky baby would be totally different to how someone else could react/cope.

My DD was a "dream" baby... she slept well early on, but she had her moments and it was still hard work and I STILL ended up with PND! And I would never go through having another one.

Also, thinking your life would not have changed is VERY naive. Of course it would change .

Agree. The next cover up is regretting having children. Mine now in 20s. I’m still traumatised by their behaviour in childhood. Now waiting for next post to blame me for poor parenting.

I feel the opposite. All I hear is how awful it is having children and it put me off for YEARS. Endless negativity about it.

I'm not going to start telling my pregnant friends that they're going to have moments in the early weeks when they genuinely believe they have irreparably ruined their lives. That would be a horrible thing to do.

I actually did say this to my best friend when she was pregnant! I think she thought I was a monster at the time but she did say later she was glad I had been honest and it helped her in the early days to know she wasn't unusual for finding it so hard.

It’s not your fault, the TV and Hollywood versions of motherhood are completely controlled by men, whether directors or producers or financing it. They don’t have a clue about the graft of parenting for normal mums because they aren’t doing it, they are out making feel-good drama.

Plus, a lot of US productions are heavily influenced by religion and not offending their audience.
If you’re like me, you grew up with a million fairytale stories being broadcast about happy families.

People happily forgive young men for being influenced by porn, or action movies or video games, but still scorn women for believing the rose-tinted versions of motherhood that we are bombarded with constantly.
They’ll just say: Well, you wanted to have children, didn’t you?

I totally agree with you OP. The reality is so different to the fairytales presented to us!

My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

I don't think there is anyone you can blame for this. I don't know anyone else who thought that and it is the first time I've heard it.

You didn't seriously think your baby would just lie quietly smiling all day whilst you went about your normal day?

I'm sorry your struggling with motherhood. But I have to disagree on everyone painting a fairytale story. Everyone I spoke to who had children wouldn't stop saying the negatives, hardly any positives were mentioned. No sleep, no freedom, ruining your body ect
My own mum told me how relentless having my first sibling was. He would only be put down for 45 mins before relentless crying, which went on for months. She thinks now it was probably colic and reflux. But she became really ill with no sleep. I felt like ppl were trying to put me off if I'm honest lol
I still went ahead because hormones and that need for a baby are just so strong, I didn't care how bad it could be.
Lucky for me I ended up having a very easy baby but I was expecting the absolute worst.
Because my experience of motherhood has been fairly easy with my first when anyone asked me I told the truth she slept, was quiet ect
Then I had my second! Not so bloody easy 🤣 and I tell everyone who asks!
So maybe it's ppls personal experience they aren't lying just they had an easy time?
Motherhood is relentless, do you have enough support around you? Is there anyone who can take baby so you can have a bit of a break? Even an hour just to do something you like or get away can do wonders to reboot you a bit. Or someone to come round so you can catch up on sleep. No sleep is evil and can mess with your thoughts.
I hope my post wasnt unsympathetic as its not intended to be just another perspective.

Parenting is hard, really really hard and it breaks you but it also gives you the most rewarding experiences as well. I have never been a natural mother it's been a massive learning curve and had I known then what I know now I may not have had children. I was aware of how hard it was watching other family members and seeing my own parents but still it was such a shock when I became a parent. The sheer exhaustion for one. Op you aren't alone all you can do is your best.

You can't really blame society.
I was told the opposite, that my life would be changing forever (yep that's what me and my husband wanted), that I'll never sleep again, that it's the hardest thing people have ever done becoming parents.
When struggling to conceive I used to have comments and questions such as ... are you sure you want to be doing this??
However the urge to Mam was very strong and now I have a 2 year old. Tbh I love being a Mam. It's not all rosey and we have a cry some days but that's life