The way society lies to us about motherhood

[RLRapunzel]

I have reflected on this topic ALOT since having DD1 3 years ago and honestly I'm still mad about it. The truth of it is, if I had been told the truth about motherhood I wouldn't have had children and I'm not ashamed to say it anymore. I think there is a huge problem in the way society lies to childless women and I think PND rates would be much lower if we stopped the lies.

Childless women are told by everyone around us that having children is the most fulfilling thing you will ever do. It will bring you infinite happiness, infinite love; a love that you've never felt before. Infact, women are often shamed if they express their lack of interest in having children because how could A WOMAN not want CHILDREN?! My mother said all of these things to me and I was too ignorant to ask about the negatives because I simply didn't know they existed. I recall asking how painful childbirth was (since I believed that was the only downfall) and she just smiled and said you forget all about it as soon as you hold your child for the first time and your overwhelmed with love.

What a crock of shit.

All through my pregnancy I imagined a fairytale-esk life with my new baby. My expectations were 100% that my life would be exactly the same, there would just be this adorable little baby smiling up at me the whole time.

The shock of what happened after my DD was born sent me spiraling into PND of course because how could it not? I was NOT prepared in the slightest for what was coming. I was not ready to give up my life; I wasn't even aware that I would have to up my life. Not one person told me the truth. Turns out my brother also had colic as a baby; but my mother failed to mention the existence of colic at any point before DD was completely inconsolable for hours every night.

If any unsuspecting childless person asks me 'what's it like having kids?' I tell them the truth. I love my kids so much and I couldn't be without them now but parenthood is relentless. You will have to sacrifice everything; your body, your hobbies, your social life (at least through the baby years), your freedom. Your life stops being about you; its about the children. You will have to put yourself second almost all of the time. You will be tired; not yawning over your morning coffee tired. Soul destroyingly tired, on the verge of tears because your so desperate for sleep tired. If-I-have-to-change-another-nappy-today-ill-scream tired. You will become distant from your childless friends because you simply have little in common now. In my personal circumstance I have very little access to babysitters so untill nursery (which is now finally only a couple months away!) there's no breaks.

Oh and also, odds are your boyfriend/husband will be pretty useless. (I know this isn't the case for everyone but I really do feel it's alot more common for dad's to be pretty useless)

Obviously everything written here is based on my own personal experiences and everybody's experiences are different. I'm probably going to get a wave of women saying this post is unfair because they did get the fairytale version of motherhood and their lives are wonderful and fulfilled. I'm not trying to invalid your experience; I'm so happy that the motherhood myth worked out for you, but this post isn't for you. This is for everybody who feels cheated by the ideal we are sold on motherhood as childless women; its not your fault. Society really screwed us over.

PS. if you're struggling with a colicy or fussed baby RN I recommend getting yourself a decent pair of ear plugs or listening to headphones while your enduring. Not hearing the screaming, for me at least, helped keep me calm(er) while trying to comfort my babies.

I was told by my siblings not to do it lol. (Not my MIL btw who pushed hardest for us to have kids). But it’s only when I had one that I truly got how hard it is. I completely relate to what you wrote and if I knew then what I know now I probably wouldn’t have had one. However I like to think in 20 years I’ll think it was totally worth it. But yeah it’s a daily grind frankly.

I agree that nothing can prepare you for motherhood, but think a lot of people (me included) were aware of the possibility of sleepless nights, the fact your life will completely change etc and still go ahead. Thinking about it, why would people have more than one if it was that off putting. I also think a lot of people concentrate on the baby, young child years when thinking about the negatives of children, but, say you have a child at 30, you have maybe 50 years with them and once the baby stage is over you have a relationship and companionship with them your whole life which can be lovely (fully aware that you might not have a great relationship with kids as adults but tricky relationships can happen to childless people, nothing is guaranteed in life) you also get your freedom back in most cases eventually. Guess what I’m trying to say in a roundabout way is that the doom and gloom of having kids is very much focused on the baby toddler hard stage which is such a short time in the grand scheme of things. Ref the media, social media - I think it gives an unrealistically rosy expectation of life full stop - whether childfree or having children!

I never thought it would be all roses. It certainly hasn’t been. It has been though, without a doubt, the best thing I have ever done. I’ve gone through more stuff since my children have been born than I could ever imagine. I’ve had a. nervous breakdown and nearly killed myself. I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic illness. I split with their father. I was evicted. My children and I were diagnosed with a rare condition. My child tried to kill herself. Both have undergone emergency surgery more than once for something that could kill them quickly. There’s been broken bones, money problems, and god knows what else. I would do it all again.

It sounds like you are angry at your mother. My mum never lied to me. She isn’t particularly maternal and is a far better mother as we are older than when we were kids. I understand that media doesn’t portray the realities of parenthood. Why would it? It doesn’t portray the realty of ANYTHING. My friends and I are all brutally honest about everything. Maybe you felt you were sold a lie, but maybe you should look at yourself and wonder why you were so ready to accept that lie? Maybe it’s just personalities, I am not a negative person but I will always look for the flip side immediately.

Honestly there’s nothing anyone could have said that would have truly helped me understand. And honestly you’re sort of perpetuating the cycle as it sounds like you’ve had more than one? Doesn’t that sort of give the message that it’s all worth it?

I was told, and witnessed first hand, how hard it can be. But I didn't realise just how hard it would be until I was in the thick of it myself.

And honestly, no, I'm not going to start telling my pregnant friends that they're going to have moments in the early weeks when they genuinely believe they have irreparably ruined their lives. That would be a horrible thing to do. So I just make myself available for love and non-judgemental support when they're going through it.

I think a huge part of the problem is that a lot of people think that just because you choose to be in a relationship, it is your right or obligation to provide or be provided with kids for/by your OH.

You will have a multitude of people telling you you are selfish if you don’t want to have kids. We also have this ideal of family life that doesn’t match reality. Apparently, you are going to experience domestic bliss with a husband/wife, two kids and a pet.

Sadly you only learn after divorce that 80% of your married friends are in shit relationships and apparently staying only for the children, who are, most of the time, more a responsibility than a joy. We all love our children too much to complain about them or the gift of having them in our lives, but they are bloody hard relentless work.

I would say however, that it is a bit off to blame others for not telling you about the ancient “truth” that all children are hard work. Haven’t you seen a child having a tantrum in a park, breaking stuff in the supermarket, fighting with their siblings?

If it helps, babies are dead boring and hard work, from 3 to 10 they are great fun, it just gets better and better, then they take a step back and immerse themselves in their own world as they go through secondary school, and I will promise you that at this stage, instead of enjoying the quietness, you will be madly missing the days when they relentlessly followed you around chattering non stop.

Parenting is like running a marathon - you can hear all kinds of horror stories but you’ll never really know the pain of it until you do it.

Maybe such naïveté is an evolutionary necessity - if we didn’t have unrealistic expectations about how hard raising a child was the human race would probably die out.

Agree with @Mumtotwofurbabies

The time period of a child actually being solely dependent on you is relatively short when you compare it to a lifetime. So much of modern life is about the short term when parenthood is about the long haul

Maybe I look at things differently - I nearly died in the pursuit of having children (2 ruptured ectopics) - even in the midst of the bad times of screaming babies (twins) and the mummy guilt (I'm back at work full time) and relentless lack of sleep (5 year old still doesn't sleep through the night) zero money no time for myself no bad day today compares to the days that I buried my unborn babies (7 of them) and I wished to just be able to actually come home from hospital with a healthy baby. I'd gladly never sleep again and not have a penny to my name so long as I have my babies.

I have a diary from when I lost my babies - sometimes in the night when all 3 children are awake and screaming or wanting something from me I take it out and read it and suddenly the bad times don't seem so bad

My childless friends don't have children because they know all of the above & have made an informed decision that they don't want to do it.

Exactly this. My friends that are parents love their children. But they didn't sleep for about two years by their own admission and their life is centered around toddlers with very little time to themselves. It isn't what I want.

I am sorry you are having a difficult time.

And I do agree that to a certain extent, we aren't told the full realities. But we never could be.

Parenting, as an experience, is very different. The struggles can be similar but also have a uniqueness.

Like some people struggling being a working mum. Even when I was a single mum, I didn't feel it was that hard. But I had great employers. I also have a son with autism, so that added an extra layer. I was also ok with not progressing alot while my kids were young. It just wasn't something I was interested in til my youngest hit 5. So I didn't have to deal with the frustration of knowing being a mother was impacting my career.

But I really struggled with things like doing homework. I think I hated more than the kids. I loathed it to ridiculous proportions. It would often make me feel so overwhelmed I would take myself off to cry. Who is ever going to think to tell people kids homework could impact you so much?

I think people are becoming more and more honest about the downsides. It's well documented, much of it is shown in media. Pregnancy and labour, has much more of an honest narrative about it.

I think that women who don't have kids, aren't (in general) seen as strange and odd as they were before. Yes, some people still insist on telling them they are missing out. But its slowly becoming less and less. More women are honest about saying they wouldn't have kids if they had their time again.

Here's the problem. Everyone is fed bullshit in different forms. We are told we can become successful, if we just work hard enough. You become and adult and realise its not true and it's far more complicated.

Women will be judged, no matter they do. If they have kids, if they don't have kids. If they are a parent and work OR if they stay home. If they have a high flying career, if they don't. If they get dressed up everyday and do full make up AND of they don't.

So judging women because they don't have kids will be one of the many things that woman is judged for.

So whilst I agree to a point, I do think alot of what you have said is well more documented now. Parents do speak about how your entire life changes. On a regular basis. The details aren't shared, because the details vary from family to family. Its more common to talk about how it changes everything. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. And I think some of it is fairly obvious. Like adding another person to your household, is difficult. Especially if that person needs 24/7 care and needs the other people to provide it. And the financial side. Having an extra person, who needs complete care is going to impact finances. And how much time you get to yourself etc.

So I agree to a point. But not completely.

I agree with everything you've said OP. I felt ready but jesus christ, I felt like I'd been hit by a lorry when I discovered all the shit that comes with having a child.

Friends of mine have thanked me many times for my honesty about it. A few have even decided not to have children after speaking to me and learning the reality of it all.

Personally I find this thread really negative. Nothing in life is all roses.

To everybody who's responded saying they feel the same way - I see you 💖

I think it's becoming a lot more socially acceptable for a woman to remain child free by choice.

Pretty much

I agree OP. It's a pain in the arse being responsible for other human beings. I don't believe for a second that it's human nature to parent alone or in a couple even. This can destroy you as a person and your autonomy is gone. What's left? Living your life for someone else, and it extends way beyond their early childhood. That's the worst bit in my opinion.

I doubt I could have been honest and put my DDs off motherhood - much is hormone driven. And when they get to say 50 and other people's children leaving home or only home occasionally and fun to be around, or later when they have your DGCs - why wouldn't they blame me for putting them off having babies. If you haven't done it you can't know.

What we need is more support for the early years. Family/ nannies/ au pairs. There is no rule that mothers must do it on their own. Lilke childcare it is for a number of years not forever.

For me it was things like the safe sleep info, it made me just take for granted my babies would happily sleep alone in a cot. I took for granted they'd take proper naps where I could put them down and get on with stuff. I've never seen a portrayal of a velcro baby on any media.

I remember after returning to work my first maternity leave, a colleague telling me that women should keep their negative birth stories to themselves as it only upsets pregnant women. What a load of nonsense!

I can barely remember DS2’s first year of life because I was so bone-achingly tired that it was all I could do just to get through the day. In comparison DS1 slept like a dream so I can remember so much more of his babyhood.

But now mine are teenagers, when I think back I know it was brutal and not how I thought it would be, but I also know it passes and becomes a blurred memory. I think that’s why nobody tells you the absolute truth: they’ve simply gotten used to it.

Many countries have a falling population though - so many agree with you.

Just also to add. My oldest is almost 18. I wish I had known its actually really hard to be a parent to child getting ready to go out into the world more independently.

There's times I wish they were at the high care toddle stage again.

I wish someone told me that it’s ok to hate the newborn and baby years and love having a 4 year old! Life is so easy now Dd can communicate properly and part of the reason I won’t have any more kids.

If I could pop out a 4 year old I’d probably have 6 though.

I can definitely relate to this. The way society implies that motherhood is the only option, if the lifestyle childless women get to lead was celebrated instead of always being portrayed negatively to be honest I probably still would have had children, but it would be nice to have another viable and widely accepted option to consider.

When my first baby was born I genuinely loved it the majority of the time and I had plenty of offers of help and company and I think that made all the difference but it was after my second was born and I had two under two and suddenly people weren't so keen to help! (And then lockdown happened anyway) and that's when the relentlessness really set in, and a tiredness coupled with the hopelessness of knowing there is no end in sight. Of course you know you'll be tired, but I don't think you can prepare yourself for just how never ending that will be, and of course you know you won't be able to do everything you could before but even when you do carve out some time for yourself it doesn't even come close to what you need, and the guilt makes it almost not worth it anyway.

I didn't expect it to be this hard, the love does mostly make it worthwhile but it doesn't quite eclipse the hard elements the way I thought it would!

I still get overwhelmed sometimes at the permanence of it all, and the responsibility.

Yes I completely underestimated this.

I feel the same way OP. We have one child who is 8 now and we love life but it was brutally hard when she was young.