Should I be concerned about how MIL looks after toddler?

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi all,

So I have a little girl, she is nearly 20 months old. I have worked full time since she was 15 months. She is in nursery 3 days a week and the other 2 days my MIL comes to our house 2 days and looks after her for a few hours here and there whilst my husband and I work from home. Before that I went back to work part time when she was 12 months and she was in nursery 2 days and my husband had taken one day off a week to sort of acclimatise her to my MIL.
The idea behind this set up is not only cost, but also something my MIL begged and begged to do, even before we had children. We are also working from home so we still get to spend time with her whilst on lunch and breaks.

So here’s the ‘concerns’ it’s been over 6 months, and on handover my little girl is still extremely distressed when initially being around her. She has settled in extremely well at nursery and with other adults she doesn’t seem as distressed by. I’m upstairs working and I can hear her crying and saying noooo, and banging on the living room door and it’s really hard. Also for the rest of the day she’s more agitated and never really eats as wel.

It also not like this issue as come out of the blue, we’ve had quite a few issues along the way, my MIL force fed her spicy food which led to her refusing to eat for several weeks (she’s not allowed to feed her anymore), she wasn’t changing her nappy and there had been several instances my LG sitting in a dirty nappy (this is something we never allow, she always tells us she’s done a poo and we change it immediately), my little girl fell and hit her head and she wouldn’t tell us the truth about what happened, so we didn’t know how she fell or if from a height or what she hit her head on, we only heard her scream and cry. These are just a few blips.

I’m not sure what’s causing my little girl to get so distressed around her, I do wonder if it’s because she doesn’t really seem to entertain her, every time I’ve gone to get my little girl for a snack my MIL is watching TV and my little girl is playing on the floor or just being held on her lap (she’s a very active little girl and only likes to sit still for puzzles or stories, so isn’t really the type to be held in one place, she would normally protest (my MIL can’t read so she’d never read her a story). We’ve had to tell MIL to take her outside when the weather is nice because before she was just being trapped indoors all day, we have a garden with garden toys but that just wasn’t happening and she was getting a bit stir crazy. Could it be she’s quite a loud lady and it seems like she’s shouting a lot? She also doesn’t speak English, so could that be it? Or is it that she’s at home and would rather be with us so protests? I’m fairly confident she’s not physically hurting her or intentionally being cruel.

I’ve mentioned it to my husband and he gets a bit defensive because it’s his mum but ultimately I don’t know if this is normal for a toddler as she’s my first? I’ve had some friends who have stated this is really concerning from MIL but I’d just like to soundboard it.

Thanks for reading!

Yeah, I wouldn’t leave my baby with someone who didn’t change her nappy and force fed her. I would definitely find alternative childcare.

Let MIL beg all she likes. Your priority is your DD.

Doesn't sound like a great arrangement for anyone really apart from MIL.

Does your DD understand your MIL language?
Does your DD speak English or another language? I guess I'm trying to say - if the pair of them can't communicate, that can't be helping

Why is your DD banging on the door - is she being shut in?

I really wouldn't be happy with the set up. Your DD obviously isn't either.

Fairly confident she’s not hurting her?
Your child is distressed. MIL shouting in a language she doesn’t understand? Force feeding her spicy food and lying to you about an injury?
Those aren’t blips.

Force fed her spicy food, doesn't change her nappy and wouldn't tell you how your daughter was injured are blips to you? Any one of those would have had me refusing to leave my daughter alone with her.

I wouldn't be happy with this.

Your daughter isn't happy in her company and is telling you in the only way she knows how.

Could there be a communication issue as well or is your daughter bilingual?

I wouldn’t allow DC with her, how does she communicate with your DD if she can’t speak English?

These are not just blips, your friends are right - it is very concerning. If your daughter hit her head you must be told how it happened in case she needs medical attention. Your daughter is telling you she is not happy - you need to be her voice and put an end to the arrangement.

You had me at the head injury. No one that refused to tell me how my child got hurt would be looking after them again.

No way.

I think DD being in the house and knowing you are there too is not helping. She obviously wants to be with you She associates home with mummy and daddy, unlike nursery. However the MIL doesn't sound an ideal fit for your LG. I would try to observe her more or even use a secret camera to see how she behaves around DD. I know this isn't the ideal thing to do, but your alternative is to ban her, upset her, upset your DH and possibly cause a family rift. To do this you need to have very solid grounds. Difficult one.

Sounds like there's some issues to be worked out (or upping the nursery days?) what does your dh say?

I wouldn't be happy in this situation, personally.

You don’t need solid grounds to change an arrangement that you’re not happy with. You are responsible for making sure your daughter is well looked after and all your instincts are telling you something is wrong in this situation.

Surely she’d be happier at nursery playing outdoors, interacting with other children and being read to?

My first thought was that she’s banging on the door and shouting no because she knows you’re there! She wants her parents.
Must be hard for your MIL to look after her when she wants you.
But the rest of it doesn’t sound great, especially the head injury and not taking her out on sunny days. Your child deserves to go out.
I’d speak to your husband. Your daughter would be better off at nursery five days?

Your DD might be banging on the door because she knows you're in the house. My daughter does that when we've shut the lounge door and one of us with with her and the other is elsewhere in the house and she can hear them.

But as for leaving her in a dirty nappy, force feeding and not saying how she hit her head, I wouldn't leave my child in the care of someone who did those things.

Does your DD understand the language your MIL speaks, do you all have a common language?

You don't know what's making her distressed?!
Probably being force fed, sitting in her own shit and smashing her head - find another child care setting and pronto. If you can't even trust her to feed her why on earth have you allowed it to carry on?!

I've just read the part where she doesn't speak English - so your child doesn't understand her either??? Seriously what on earth are you thinking? She can't understand her, she's been force fed, she's had a head injury in her care, she's been sat in her own excrement, she's been ignored and left to entertain herself and kept inside - for months?!

It doesn't sound like a great arrangement, you know your daughter isn't happy or thriving in this situation. The force feeding of food is very serious, it can lead to all manner of anxiety around food, her not eating for weeks shows that, and at such a young age.
I'm sure your little girl would be much happier at nursery, she'll have her little friends to interact with and do a range of activities.
It's always difficult when family are involved in these issues. Your husband has obviously seen and heard of these incidents, so he knows his mum isn't a great fit.
You need to put the happiness and well being of your little girl first, if that causes rifts then so be it.

As others have pointed out, much of the distress is likely to be caused by dd knowing your in the house but shutting yourself away. It's difficult and not your fault but she doesn't understand "working from home".

Is your husband well balanced and happy, did he have a good childhood? Your mil brought him up don't forget and you like what she produced.

I don't know, perhaps your mil is too old or unfit to cope with a toddler now? Have you spoken to her about your concerns?

Unfortunately the cost of 5 days a week is just too expensive. Please don’t say well don’t have kids you can’t afford to look after them. We can. Full days 5 days in a nursery we are happy with bills close to £1100 a month. We’d also worked out this childcare arrangement prior to me giving birth.

I was thinking about a nanny cam too, I don’t believe she’d ever be physical with her.

My daughter is only 20 months so she’s definitely not bilingual as she can only just put together 2 word sentences in English such as what’s that and in there.

Here is the big issue, I can’t speak her language either only my husband. So with the head injury thing I’m reliant on what my husband has told me, he later has gone back and said he’s misunderstood and mistranslated and she had told the truth about what happened from the start. She doesn’t shout at her, she’s just a very loud and shrill person.

She is banging on the door because we have an open plan living room dining room with all her toys and other wise she just tries to go upstairs which could be dangerous.

I'd have to be a bit more than 'fairly confident' that someone wasn't hurting my child if they had sole charge of them!

Your DD can't advocate for herself, that's your job, why are you letting your MILs wants come before your DDs needs?!

If my DM (who has looked after my DD since she was 10 months) refused to tell me how she had hurt herself in her care I wouldn't speak to her again, never mind let her look after my child!

I don't leave her alone with MIL when we visit, because the first time I did MIL felt it was far more urgent to leave DD alone in the front room and come and tell me some random tale about the neighbours instead of watching her. I realised DD was alone, ran to the front room to find my 18 month old toddling round chewing the sharp end of a massive knitting needle.

MIL was very apologetic, and I accepted it was just lack of familiarity / remembering what small children are like, but I'd specifically asked her to 'watch her' and it's not a mistake I'll be making twice!

Ok, just realised mil doesn't speak English. Presumably dh speaks his mother's language? This is a fantastic opportunity to teach your toddler a second language and give her some links to her father's heritage isn't it?

In the meantime, of course there are difficulties if toddler and grandmother can't communicate. Also bear in mind that children were probably brought up very differently in mil's culture?

There's no reason not to lay down some ground rules here, communicating via dh.

I also should add that my girl crying isn’t all of the day, it’s just 5 mins or so after we drop her off with MIL in the morning or after lunch or a snack.

But I am wondering if it’s too much for MILas she naps when my LG naps from 12/2 and then this afternoon after hubby finished at 4 she napped again. She’s late 50s with no health issues.

I’ve tried to bring the subject up with hubby again and he just shuts down. I’ve suggested maybe some structured activities but he said it won’t happen...

I'm sorry op, but not wanting to pay for nursery isn't an excuse to leave your DD in the hands of someone who is potentially dangerous to your child. You need to make other arrangements before something awful happens to her.

@Faranth I am NOT letting my MIL needs
Come above my child’s thank you!

I shouldn’t have phrased it fairly confident there is no physical issues. I know there isn’t and I’d be disgusted and shocked if i ever found out info to the contrary