Should I be concerned about how MIL looks after toddler?

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi all,

So I have a little girl, she is nearly 20 months old. I have worked full time since she was 15 months. She is in nursery 3 days a week and the other 2 days my MIL comes to our house 2 days and looks after her for a few hours here and there whilst my husband and I work from home. Before that I went back to work part time when she was 12 months and she was in nursery 2 days and my husband had taken one day off a week to sort of acclimatise her to my MIL.
The idea behind this set up is not only cost, but also something my MIL begged and begged to do, even before we had children. We are also working from home so we still get to spend time with her whilst on lunch and breaks.

So here’s the ‘concerns’ it’s been over 6 months, and on handover my little girl is still extremely distressed when initially being around her. She has settled in extremely well at nursery and with other adults she doesn’t seem as distressed by. I’m upstairs working and I can hear her crying and saying noooo, and banging on the living room door and it’s really hard. Also for the rest of the day she’s more agitated and never really eats as wel.

It also not like this issue as come out of the blue, we’ve had quite a few issues along the way, my MIL force fed her spicy food which led to her refusing to eat for several weeks (she’s not allowed to feed her anymore), she wasn’t changing her nappy and there had been several instances my LG sitting in a dirty nappy (this is something we never allow, she always tells us she’s done a poo and we change it immediately), my little girl fell and hit her head and she wouldn’t tell us the truth about what happened, so we didn’t know how she fell or if from a height or what she hit her head on, we only heard her scream and cry. These are just a few blips.

I’m not sure what’s causing my little girl to get so distressed around her, I do wonder if it’s because she doesn’t really seem to entertain her, every time I’ve gone to get my little girl for a snack my MIL is watching TV and my little girl is playing on the floor or just being held on her lap (she’s a very active little girl and only likes to sit still for puzzles or stories, so isn’t really the type to be held in one place, she would normally protest (my MIL can’t read so she’d never read her a story). We’ve had to tell MIL to take her outside when the weather is nice because before she was just being trapped indoors all day, we have a garden with garden toys but that just wasn’t happening and she was getting a bit stir crazy. Could it be she’s quite a loud lady and it seems like she’s shouting a lot? She also doesn’t speak English, so could that be it? Or is it that she’s at home and would rather be with us so protests? I’m fairly confident she’s not physically hurting her or intentionally being cruel.

I’ve mentioned it to my husband and he gets a bit defensive because it’s his mum but ultimately I don’t know if this is normal for a toddler as she’s my first? I’ve had some friends who have stated this is really concerning from MIL but I’d just like to soundboard it.

Thanks for reading!

You need to find the money OP.

A baby doesn't need to verbally speak a language to understand it. Even if just odd words and phrases.

I think it's very difficult not being able to speak the same language as a person who is the carer for your child for part of the week.

The open plan is why we shut the lounge door too, or she'd by charging up the stairs every 5 minutes.

@Wolfiefan, well I’d love to be on £60k a year hubby too but unfortunately we aren’t. We are in banking and it’s a tough climate right now to secure new positions. We earn a decent wage but we are where we are financially. Currently powerless to change that

Not ignoring your points but some children just don’t like some adults.
My little big loves everyone but my MIL. She’s very full on and loud, when he tries to get away from her she picks up and puts him back into the situation he was uncomfortable with. Me and DH have both had to remove him and ask MIL not to continue on multiple occasions.
Because of this we won’t allow her to care for DS without supervision from one of us, and it sounds like the set up you have - although saving you money- isn’t actually benefiting anyone either.

@RichTeaCheddars yeah it must be tough to communicate but little kids are so adaptable it’s another we’d initially thought of this childcare set up and she’s home with us but has a chance to learn her dads native language. My husband is weak at it and I can’t speak it so it’s very unlikely she’d learn from us. Xx

Does MIL change when you come into the room?
As in quickly get off sofa and see to DD?

I understand the 5 days in nursery, it’s just ridiculous money that not everyone has.

So your child has to sit in her own mess, stay with a loud shouty person who she can’t understand and sustain head injuries from some mysterious accident?
Er no.
If this isn’t working you need to find a way round it.

I honestly suspect it's a communication issue. At that age they don't say much but they understand almost everything. If she's not been in a bilingual household from birth that will be very hard for her.

I do think you need a chat over the nappies and going outside stuff though. When my parents took my DD at that age I left a little suggested itinerary for the day including what food to offer and What activities to try. I used to suggest an hour of CBeebies at the end of the day to give them a bit of a rest

I’m confused about your comment where you state it’s too expensive, then say you can afford it? Which is it?

Honestly OP, you need to stop this. Even if she wasn’t upsetting your daughter, she’s not looking after her properly. It’s irrelevant if your husband or MIL’s feelings are hurt by this.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. She was also ‘confident’ her in laws weren’t being physical. Her poor son was so scared around them and she put it down to their ‘big personalities.’ Once her son was able to talk, he communicated ‘granny ow’ and this lead my friend to ask MIL, who was very angry and defensive and said she would ‘never, ever hit a child.’ It later transpired that, as far as she was concerned, ‘smacking is not the same thing.’ Awful for all involved. Luckily my friends DH shut this all down as soon as this happened- the boy went to nursery full time and they went LC, then eventually NC with the in laws as their behaviour got madder and madder.

They have two children now, and my friend is still upset about the long term effects on her son as he is very nervous, jumpy and shy compared to their younger daughter who never had to deal with the in laws.

To sum up- protect your daughter OP.

I know how difficult it it to afford childcare and it was a struggle with my first as I was paid less than the cost of full time nursery would have been. Are you able to reduce your hours just a little? I let my mum have my kids but only for 3-4 hours and then I finished work. If your daughter consistently naps each day at the same time, we have people where I am that WFH during nap time, so you could put her down on lunch break, send your MIL home for her nap and then do an hour or two more for before logging off for the day. It might mean you reduce by a few hours rather than a day or half a day, and it will give you a nice afternoon time with just you two that she will look forward to after her nap.

It's just a thought, as it's really not on to be staying home watching TV all day when the weather is nice, whatever you MILs reasons are for doing so. It's not stimulating or enjoyable for a child that age. Once she is three I'd be putting her straight into preschool on those days for the free hours.

The thing is, the language barrier means the situation can never be rectified.

Dh refuses to discuss implementing any changes with his mum, you cannot communicate at all (?) with mil because she speaks no English.

Could you attempt to learn some phrases in her language?

Or could you take time off work and look after dd with mil, thus modelling how you'd like her to be cared for, establish a routine, including an outdoor trip, activities and so on.

Something needs to change here but it's going to be very difficult to express that to mil without your husband on board.

Totally agree with @Ginevere here, children are so perceptive, she is trying to communicate that she isn't happy with her. If personally be uncomfortable leaving them alone, and I don't think granny cam will do anything but make you all paranoid. I'd look at all options to reduce contact a little and I think giving her the afternoon off is a great first step if it's not that easy to stop this immediately.

@wildeverose I think how I’ve phrased things has made it seem more dramatic than it is. Apologies for the confusion there.

But she is not being force fed, this incident happened once and she didn’t stuff food in her mouth more like mithered her to try something she had made for her that was spicy. Don’t get me wrong I was livid as she had been explicitly told that any food made for her can’t be spicy or
Salty, since then my MIL has categorically been forbidden from feeding her, and since I went off on one about the nappy it has never happened again. She claimed to not know she has soiled the nappy.

With regards to not wanting to pay, that’s not the case, it’s being able to.

With regards to the language what you said comes across as really intolerant I’m afraid. My child is dual heritage and will be bilingual one day, (hopefully tri lingual as I’m also bilingual) so being around a native speaker is the best way to learn.

You can’t leave your child with someone you have “forbidden” from feeding her.
This is nuts OP.

So your MIL speaks one language and no English and her son doesn't really speak that language so can't properly communicate with her, you and DD can't at all but she's in charge of your child for hours at a time?

@Moonshine11

Does MIL change when you come into the room? As in quickly get off sofa and see to DD?

I understand the 5 days in nursery, it’s just ridiculous money that not everyone has.

I don’t understand why people use language like “ridiculous money” when talking about nursery fees. It’s not a great money making business I can promise you! The nursery my youngest goes to is a charity and it’s still very similarly priced to private nurseries, and they struggle to keep going. They obviously need lots of staff and that costs money. Plus nursery staff pay is rubbish for such an important job, with just huge responsibility.

It's up to you as the parent to safeguard your child. She made your child eat spicy food she didn't want, left her in a dirty nappy, couldn't tell you how she hurt her head. What's going to be next?

If you can't afford nursery for the final day you need to come to another arrangement. What would happen if MIL fell ill tomorrow and couldn't care for her again- you must have considered a plan b?

[quote Sleeplessemma]@RichTeaCheddars yeah it must be tough to communicate but little kids are so adaptable it’s another we’d initially thought of this childcare set up and she’s home with us but has a chance to learn her dads native language. My husband is weak at it and I can’t speak it so it’s very unlikely she’d learn from us. Xx[/quote]
How on earth does your husband communicate with his mum if he's "weak" at her language, so much so he can't teach his child any phrases?

No, I think your husband doesn't want much to do with parenting and clearly doesn't want to be involved in childcare issues or your worries. Perhaps he was brought up to believe childcare is women's work?
It's very poor that he won't discuss your concerns with his own mother.

@Ginevere must have been a typo. I can’t afford to pay £1100 in childcare a month.

I don’t think MiL is a childcare option anymore. I’m sorry, I know that’s inconvenient especially if she really wanted this, but your daughter is finding it distressing, and all of the incidents you describe would have been deal-breakers by themselves.

Is a childminder for two days an option? Or any other family members/friends who might be able to help?

I couldn’t carry on with this.

OP I’d be urgently trying to find a different solution if I were you. It really doesn’t sound like your MIL is a suitable person to be having sole care for hours a a time. If you can’t manage that, I’d be giving very specific instructions about what she should be doing with her. I’d be telling your husband “that won’t happen” isn’t good enough! Things need to change for your daughters sake urgently.

@WetWeekends I’m well aware they need to pay staff and sadly they don’t get enough for the job, buy stuff for the nursery and so on but when your not on a decent amount of money and it’s more than your out goings then yes I would say it’s ridiculous.

It also not like this issue as come out of the blue, we’ve had quite a few issues along the way, my MIL force fed her spicy food which led to her refusing to eat for several weeks (she’s not allowed to feed her anymore), she wasn’t changing her nappy and there had been several instances my LG sitting in a dirty nappy (this is something we never allow, she always tells us she’s done a poo and we change it immediately), my little girl fell and hit her head and she wouldn’t tell us the truth about what happened, so we didn’t know how she fell or if from a height or what she hit her head on, we only heard her scream and cry

And yet you still allow her to mind your child? No point backtracking now trying to defend her regarding the spicy food. She's not allowed feed your child therefore she's hardly a reasonable candidate for minding her. I think you need to try and find a way to pay for full time childcare for the sake of your child's health and safety.

@SmileyClare I’m sorry you are way off base here. That’s a huge leap from what I’ve said.

My husband is weak at his own language, don’t ask me why but he is, he just muddled through. He’s refused to teach me of several occasions. But he will chat to my little girl a bit in it here and there is just what he’s saying is not correct.

But with regards to his parenting I have not once in this post mentioned how he is as a father. And FYI he is incredibly hands on. Put her to bed every night, gets up early to give her breakfast whilst I have a lie in, when she had issues sleeping slept in her room on the floor holding her hand so I could get rest and she’d feel secure even though he had work the next day. The list goes on. He categorically doesn’t believe it to be ‘women’s work’ as you put it. I’ve mentioned nothing that indicates this.

He is however a mummy’s boy, which is tedious. But he was raised just by her.

OP can work offer you different hours?
My work allows parents to work around children at the minute, may mean afew hours on a nighttime but you’d have free time for your DD