Should I be concerned about how MIL looks after toddler?

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi all,

So I have a little girl, she is nearly 20 months old. I have worked full time since she was 15 months. She is in nursery 3 days a week and the other 2 days my MIL comes to our house 2 days and looks after her for a few hours here and there whilst my husband and I work from home. Before that I went back to work part time when she was 12 months and she was in nursery 2 days and my husband had taken one day off a week to sort of acclimatise her to my MIL.
The idea behind this set up is not only cost, but also something my MIL begged and begged to do, even before we had children. We are also working from home so we still get to spend time with her whilst on lunch and breaks.

So here’s the ‘concerns’ it’s been over 6 months, and on handover my little girl is still extremely distressed when initially being around her. She has settled in extremely well at nursery and with other adults she doesn’t seem as distressed by. I’m upstairs working and I can hear her crying and saying noooo, and banging on the living room door and it’s really hard. Also for the rest of the day she’s more agitated and never really eats as wel.

It also not like this issue as come out of the blue, we’ve had quite a few issues along the way, my MIL force fed her spicy food which led to her refusing to eat for several weeks (she’s not allowed to feed her anymore), she wasn’t changing her nappy and there had been several instances my LG sitting in a dirty nappy (this is something we never allow, she always tells us she’s done a poo and we change it immediately), my little girl fell and hit her head and she wouldn’t tell us the truth about what happened, so we didn’t know how she fell or if from a height or what she hit her head on, we only heard her scream and cry. These are just a few blips.

I’m not sure what’s causing my little girl to get so distressed around her, I do wonder if it’s because she doesn’t really seem to entertain her, every time I’ve gone to get my little girl for a snack my MIL is watching TV and my little girl is playing on the floor or just being held on her lap (she’s a very active little girl and only likes to sit still for puzzles or stories, so isn’t really the type to be held in one place, she would normally protest (my MIL can’t read so she’d never read her a story). We’ve had to tell MIL to take her outside when the weather is nice because before she was just being trapped indoors all day, we have a garden with garden toys but that just wasn’t happening and she was getting a bit stir crazy. Could it be she’s quite a loud lady and it seems like she’s shouting a lot? She also doesn’t speak English, so could that be it? Or is it that she’s at home and would rather be with us so protests? I’m fairly confident she’s not physically hurting her or intentionally being cruel.

I’ve mentioned it to my husband and he gets a bit defensive because it’s his mum but ultimately I don’t know if this is normal for a toddler as she’s my first? I’ve had some friends who have stated this is really concerning from MIL but I’d just like to soundboard it.

Thanks for reading!

Sorry Op, still confused; you said the following.

“Unfortunately the cost of 5 days a week is just too expensive. Please don’t say well don’t have kids you can’t afford to look after them. We can. Full days 5 days in a nursery we are happy with bills close to £1100 a month. We’d also worked out this childcare arrangement prior to me giving birth.”

So you say you can afford to look after them, but then say that full time childcare is too much? So you can’t, then.

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be harsh, but you’ve ignored the rest of my post. Your daughter is trying to communicate to you that she’s unhappy, and you’re letting it continue. The only reasons I can see are that you don’t want to your husband/MIL, and that you can’t afford childcare, despite saying you can. I’m sorry OP, but your daughter has to be your priority. You are all she has. You can’t let her continue to be mistreated because of hurt feelings and bad financial planning.

@Notaroadrunner it’s not back tracking, I still consider it force feeding. I’m just adding context and explaining it happened only once, thank god. Doesn’t make the incident better, it completely violated my trust.

I do too feel that by categorically refusing to listen to me (the child’s mother) she’s violated my trust in her.

Sorry OP you’ve come on here for a soundboard, your getting the reaction and then telling everyone it’s not that bad and everyone’s got it wrong? Sorry are you not getting the reaction you wanted?

Get a grip and protect your daughter. If it means upsetting your mummy’s boy husband then so be it.
That’s shes consistently crying to only her and not other adults would cause enough alarm bells without the non changing of nappy and the inappropriate food for a toddler. If she’s that inept at knowing what’s safe and what’s not, when she gives her a whole grape and she chokes for example, who are you going to blame? When she falls off something high? When she’s left unattended or she doesn’t notice she’s got stuck somewhere because she’s watching the tv and not watching her?
I know that’s an extreme examples but obviously all the previous posters are not getting through. Don’t do anything and your as weak as your husband.
Poor kid.

You have two issues here OP. One is your child's safety and well-being and the other is their develop. A care giver who can't be bothered to do more than watch TV is tending to neither. Is that really what you want for your child?

@Ginevere I mean I can afford to look after my child. I think it’s a very elitist point of view to say if you can’t afford £1100 in nursery fees per month you can’t afford to look after your child. It’s not due to poor financial planning.

The childcare arrangement that was worked out prior to me having my daughter was nursery 3 days and MIL two, this worked for us financially as I lost my job just after giving birth. So that’s what I’m referring to, sorry if that’s not clear.

Unplug the TV 😂😂😂

If your MIL is relatively fit and healthy, looking after a toddler shouldn't require 2 naps a day if she is still in her fifties!!

I wouldn’t allow this, sorry OP I know it’s a really difficult situation.

The issues you describe in your first post require immediate changes to your childcare routine. Your subsequent posts seem to be minimising those issues. We can all give our opinion but only you can decide if you listen to those opinions. Your DD needs you to make that decision, do what's in her best interests and live with the consequences.

It is clearly not working, probably for your mil as well. If you are both working full time I imagine your only option is to increase the days in nursery to 5.

@Potentialscroogeincognito I’m just adding context as my original post was just the headlines
Or so to speak.

I’m glad for people’s input but not that insinuates I’m letting my kid be abused, because it’s just not factual.

My hubby is weak in terms of his mum, as he’s backtracked on the incidents I highlighted in the last original post and now swears he got them wrong, so I don’t know what to think. I’m inclined to think, that the first version of event is probably the real one even though he swears other wise?

I’m glad to know most other mums would be as concerned as I am. Truthfully it’s not working right now as we end up taking her for a good chunk of the day anyway so not getting work done.

This is very substandard care. If you're lucky, your child may avoid a serious accident while in MIL's care but it's going to delay her development.

@Seeline, she’s in tip top health honestly. She’s never really had a job or worked or gone to school or had hobbies so most of her day is just chilling at home. I know she has one nap at home? Maybe more?

I don’t think that’s elitist at all OP, I think it’s realistic. I’m sorry you disagree, but the costs of childcare have to be taken into account when planning for a child. I’m due soon and my mother is planning to do a days childcare, which is great, but we made sure we could afford full time care before TTC. It’s not elitist to make sure you can afford childcare. I would also refuse my mum her day with my child if she did any of the things your MIL has done. You can’t have childcare provided by someone who is banned from feeding the child.
Surely you can see how disturbing that is? Why aren’t you and your husband more concerned?

You’re being very defensive OP, I think you should step away from the post. You are picking at posters about language barriers and childcare costs and ignoring the overwhelming voices saying that your child is asking for your help. Stop leaving her with your MIL, it’s not working and it’s cruel. If you can’t accept this judgement then stop replying to posters and put your head back in the sand.

Could you look at moving her to a childminder for 5 days instead of nursery 3 days? It might be more affordable. Do you use childcare vouchers and if not, tax free childcare? It all helps. Look at as only until your little girl is 3 and gets 30 free hours

All,

Even though it’s contentious, I appreciate the feedback!

I would like to say I’m not minimising anything, just adding context to the incidents, which were isolated but totally violated any trust there.
5 days nursery is too costly, i will enquire about condensing my hours at work in order to get a lieu day and hubby the same.

I'm baffled that although your husband was brought up solely by his mother, he's weak at her language
He must be able to communicate with her?

It's seems a no brainer to me- dh must take your concerns seriously and insist his mother changes how she looks after her grandchild. Changed when dirty, taken out once a day, entertained with activities (lay some out for them to do together) and not shut in one room with the tv on all day. If no improvement, then grandma cannot be given sole charge of dd.
I'm not sure it can work if she can't feed her though.

OP you know this is bordering on abuse? You're leaving your child with someone who is clearly incapable of looking after her. There have been multiple incidents that prove this and you're still insisting it's okay, while at the same time saying it's not? By leaving her with your MIL, whether it's for 20 minutes or 2 hours, you're neglecting her and her needs aren't being met. This is not safe.

You are failing your DD every minute this woman is around her. Cut her out of your DD life now.

With regards to the language what you said comes across as really intolerant I’m afraid. My child is dual heritage and will be bilingual one day, (hopefully tri lingual as I’m also bilingual) so being around a native speaker is the best way to learn.*

I apologise if it comes across as intolerant - however, if your child cannot understand her and there is no one else there to help your DD understand, by translating- how will she learn. I am bilingual, and have dual heritage so it's nothing to do with intolerance on my part, more that you clearly don't trust her with your child, and she isn't able to tell you what's actually happened when in her care, unless your Dh is present. Your dd doesn't understand her and is obviously scared in her presence.

What do you want people to say OP?

What kind of advice are you looking for?

You posted concerned about the level of care your MIL provides, you went on to describe the situation and yes, you're absolutely right to be concerned. That level of care isn't acceptable. Your daughter isn't being adequately cared for on those two days. You say your friends have said it's very concerning too.

Posters agree with you, it's very concerning. It is not working. Your daughter is not bring well looked after on those days. You can't let it continue.

And immediately you're on the defensive, contradicting what you've previously said, minimising it and saying you've got to stick with the status quo anyway as you can't afford to do different.

Do you want people to tell you it's fine to leave things as they are? Because sure, she's your daughter. If you think it's fine nobody can make you change things. But if as your first post implies you know this isn't good enough and is actually harmful for your dd but you don't want to change it because finances, then that's on you really and nobody is going to tell you it's ok.

I also don't understand how your husband can be weak in his own home language that his single mother raised him in - presumably that's his first language then, so would make sense for him to use it with DD as most parents who want to raise their child bilingual do.

@SmileyClare baffles me too but I’ve been there when he’s been told by taxi drivers his language skills are poor 🤷‍♀️

@BetterThanKleenex I don’t abuse or neglect my child thank you!

But you allow your MIL to do just that. Guilty by association.

Forget she’s your mother in law for a moment. If you entrusted any person to look after your child and they did the things she’s done, surely you wouldn’t consider sending your daughter back there. It’s time to pull the plug on this set up.