Should I be concerned about how MIL looks after toddler?

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi all,

So I have a little girl, she is nearly 20 months old. I have worked full time since she was 15 months. She is in nursery 3 days a week and the other 2 days my MIL comes to our house 2 days and looks after her for a few hours here and there whilst my husband and I work from home. Before that I went back to work part time when she was 12 months and she was in nursery 2 days and my husband had taken one day off a week to sort of acclimatise her to my MIL.
The idea behind this set up is not only cost, but also something my MIL begged and begged to do, even before we had children. We are also working from home so we still get to spend time with her whilst on lunch and breaks.

So here’s the ‘concerns’ it’s been over 6 months, and on handover my little girl is still extremely distressed when initially being around her. She has settled in extremely well at nursery and with other adults she doesn’t seem as distressed by. I’m upstairs working and I can hear her crying and saying noooo, and banging on the living room door and it’s really hard. Also for the rest of the day she’s more agitated and never really eats as wel.

It also not like this issue as come out of the blue, we’ve had quite a few issues along the way, my MIL force fed her spicy food which led to her refusing to eat for several weeks (she’s not allowed to feed her anymore), she wasn’t changing her nappy and there had been several instances my LG sitting in a dirty nappy (this is something we never allow, she always tells us she’s done a poo and we change it immediately), my little girl fell and hit her head and she wouldn’t tell us the truth about what happened, so we didn’t know how she fell or if from a height or what she hit her head on, we only heard her scream and cry. These are just a few blips.

I’m not sure what’s causing my little girl to get so distressed around her, I do wonder if it’s because she doesn’t really seem to entertain her, every time I’ve gone to get my little girl for a snack my MIL is watching TV and my little girl is playing on the floor or just being held on her lap (she’s a very active little girl and only likes to sit still for puzzles or stories, so isn’t really the type to be held in one place, she would normally protest (my MIL can’t read so she’d never read her a story). We’ve had to tell MIL to take her outside when the weather is nice because before she was just being trapped indoors all day, we have a garden with garden toys but that just wasn’t happening and she was getting a bit stir crazy. Could it be she’s quite a loud lady and it seems like she’s shouting a lot? She also doesn’t speak English, so could that be it? Or is it that she’s at home and would rather be with us so protests? I’m fairly confident she’s not physically hurting her or intentionally being cruel.

I’ve mentioned it to my husband and he gets a bit defensive because it’s his mum but ultimately I don’t know if this is normal for a toddler as she’s my first? I’ve had some friends who have stated this is really concerning from MIL but I’d just like to soundboard it.

Thanks for reading!

@SmileyClare I think for the most part you’re spot on. The ruling by fear thing, yes for dads but not necessarily her, she’s just a few loud, shrill (sort of annoying) person. She’s not abusive, I think she’s just very different to me in many many ways and sort of lazy.

My mum would provide childcare more in my sort of style, but she lives too far away.

I like that idea too, framed as time off. She will inevitably take it the wrong way, but maybe when my LG is older (I’m not sure right now). We’re going to investigate condensing our hours for lieu days. There’s a lot of redundancies in my place of work, it might happen whilst I’m off (for the second time).

I was referring to childcare options when I said to consider options but if you feel termination is what you want then you do what is right for you and your family.

I hope you find the right decision for the 3 of you

@horehound she absolutely did, but it only happened once. Obviously once is too much which is why it bothers me still but I just wanted to make it clear they aren’t repeat occurrences.

We’ve just started claiming tax free childcare, I didn’t know about it before, stupid mistake on my part I know.

Your husband was raised exclusively by his mum but they don’t speak the same language?

@riddles26 oh sorry I thought you meant terminations as an option xx

@KittyKatChonky no they do, it’s just his language skills at communicating complex points is poor as his is wider vocab. I’d say he’s like a level standard. I know it seems daft for a native speaker

There are always choices to make. You could move to a cheaper area, you could revisit childcare costs, you could both look at changing your hours eg compressed hours doing 5 days over 4 etc etc.

All options to consider instead of having someone who is clearly incapable of looking after your child.

@iggly we own our own home so we can’t move just like that. Although we currently wfh it’s in commuting distance if we need to go in and is one of the more affordable areas (we live in the suburbs of a big city).

I think condensing hours is the way forward at least for where we are rn.

[quote Sleeplessemma]@BetterThanKleenex, ok, she is neither neglected nor abused. But those are the facts my little girl my entire world, I have a crappy childcare situation 1/2 days a week (as sometimes MIL doesn’t show up) that I’ve remedied. My
Child is very well loved and tended to by her parents.[/quote]
You've literally just told us how you neglect her needs- neglect is a form of abuse. We've all read it, we're all trying to tell you how to deal with you poor decisions and you're getting defensive because you know we're right.

No I don’t, there is no safeguarding risk to my child at all.

It’s not being defensive, it’s the truth. I’ve not said how I neglect her needs, just of instances that I had discovered that my MIL had which were addressed instantly. Doesn’t make it better on her part don’t get me wrong. But I have not said I abuse my child nor neglect her. Her needs are met, when I found out she had tripped and hit her head and I wasn’t 100% clear on how it happened I sought medical attention immediately.

Well you know your MIL is not suitable to care for your daughter but you obviously won't change the situation despite how untrustworthy she is. You need to look at alternatives to childcare, this is really unacceptable how she treats your daughter and you know that deep down your child's welfare should come first - it isn't right for this to continue. I understand the financial constraints but honestly I would consider taking out a loan to cover paying a childminder until you are on maternity.

If you have an Indian, Asian or African mother in law this is all fairly normal. Forcefeeding can be a normal part of how caregivers from poorer countries feed kids as there is often anxiety about children losing weight or not getting enough intake. And in most of these countries the mil wouldn’t change or bathe the baby as that would he the parents job, and wouldn’t actively supervise as independant play is considered healthier. Spicy here is deliberately misleading - nowhere do children that age get forcefed hot food, and she should be able to handle non-hot spices because even nurseries use them.

Seems like there is a huge culture clash, neither of you respect each others cultures, and you want a UK nursery level childcare service for free. Honestly it sounds like you need to both adjust your expectations or stump up the extra cash for nursery. You can’t expect a woman who doesn’t even speak english to give you what you want unless she’s there long enough for your dd to learn the language.

@GrumpyHoonMain yes it is those cultures you mentioned. The food was hot with chillis and I think the other things you mentioned are in line with what her thoughts are.

Yeah you’re right. Different expectations, we’ll look to condense our hours I think that’s the best option.

Thanks for your comment

@butterry, no I’ve had a chat with work off hours about the situation (open whatsapp chat with the boss about how current childcare isn’t working) and I can condense my hours or work flexibly just need to make sure I still deliver (which i will)

I think you need to try and help your mil to understand how to be with your daughter. She will want to have a loving relationship with her but perhaps doesn't quite know how to do it. Could you suggest some activities she could do with her. She could perhaps make some salt dough for your daughter to play with. Buy some bubbles for her to play with. Let your mil give DD occasional treats so she associates fun and good times with granny. I haven't read the full thread but unless your mil is a horrible person these are my thoughts to help.

Sorry Op, i just find this bizarre. How can you ban someone from feeding your child but still allow the person to look after your child? Baffled about what advice you're looking for. My ds squeals with delight when either grandparent looks after him. Any other reaction and I'd not be leaving him!

Have you had a name change fail OP?

@riddles26

OP you know it is entirely possible and normal for your MIL to adore her grandchild but just find caring for her for 2 entire days completely overwhelming and be struggling with it.

Parenting techniques from when we were brought up (and in another country by the sound of it) are very different to today and she may simply just not know how to handle her. Things which were normal then are considered borderline abusive (if not abusive) now.

The added language barrier between her and yourself (together with your DH not being able to communicate effectively) likely means she will not fully understand your style of parenting, how you prefer to handle certain situations and it makes it next to impossible to explain the reasoning why we now parent differently - things which are all very common sense to us.

From her point of view, sounds like she is really struggling caring for a toddler, finding it physically exhausting, has made a few mistakes along the way, isn't trusted to feed her grandchild alone but expected to look after her. I am not saying you are in the wrong - I also would not allow a family member to feed my child after that incident but if you see it from her side, it is also upsetting.

I personally would put it to her from the perspective it is clearly tiring for her so you feel it is better she does not do childcare but instead spends time with you and her grandchild evenings and weekends.

If you are pregnant again, you will need to have a good look at your financial situation too - I had 2 under 2 and if you thought nursery is expensive for the one then you have a big shock coming. Even with one child on funded hours, it costs a fortune if you want to work 4 days or full time

I thing you've summed this up right.

GM wants to and is trying hard to look after GD but just isn't meeting the standards, nor quality of care.

Somebody else mentioned, perhaps take time off yourself and show her how to look after your daughter. If she gets it it'll be easier for you. She may be very useful in the up coming days given your pregnancy.
Hope you figure out it.

Why did you even post, OP? You’re now vigorously defending the standard of care your MIL provides and insisting that there is reasonable context for everything you complained about in your OP, and you don’t seem to have any other feasible childcare options. What did you want to achieve by posting?

I think I'd be getting g her back to nursery if it was me at least you could trust their care xx

Constantly drip feeding @Sleeplessemma

DD is probably crying because she knows you're home and would rather be with you, whereas at nursery she knows she just has to get on with it.

It is possible she didn't know the nappy was dirty. I'm not proud of it but there's been two occasions where I've gone to do a routine change on DD and been surprised to find poo - there just wasn't much smell. If MIL can't understand DD then she might not have understood if DD told her... Though it might be worth teaching her whatever words/gestures DD uses to express this.

The other things are much more concerning. Not respecting your wishes re. what she eats I'd had enough, and the head injury thing is worse. Personally I think I could forgive the feeding thing if it happened once (and I wouldn't ban her from feeding - how can she look after your child of she can't feed her?) but I think I'd have put a stop to the arrangement after the head injury. Obviously bumps happen and of she just knocked it on the side of the table, okay, but if she won't be upfront with you, then no.

Sorry OP but I think you need to find something else. I don't imagine your MIL is malicious but her childcare style obviously doesn't suit you or your DD and the reticence is really unacceptable.

What were you looking for when you posted this thread Op 🤔

There’s a number of communication problems here, and the one that would concern me is whether your dd and mil can communicate well. Can your dd convey her needs and can your mil convey her expectations?

If you think about nurseries, there are strong routines, one activity reliably following on from another, peer models, songs associated with activities. It’s easy for dc to know what’s going on, what will happen next and the routine is set around dc needs.

How easy is it for your dd to predict the routine at home? Are there clear non verbal signals for when you or your dh will appear? Or do you turn up randomly (from her POV). Does banging at the door and crying get you to come?

I wouldn’t be impressed at all the tv watching but on the other hand it might be a recognisable and predictable part of the daily routine for your dd.

If you had some specific toys that she only gets to play with when mil is minding her that might help too. Rotating toys so that it doesn’t feel like the same old things is another option.

I’d be very concerned about the food situation. Not allowing mil to give dd any food is disruptive to their bonding. Could you not just set out specific food for snacks and meals instead? How does your dd communicate to her mil if she is hungry? How does mil communicate to her to wait until you come down?

All of the issues you’ve mentioned haven’t been great but they’ve been dealt with. The head injury situation wasn’t great but that wasn’t helped by your dh. She was clearly responding, and comforting your dd at the time.

At this point I’d focus on trying to improve your dd’s ability to communicate with mil, so she can confidently express her needs.

[quote Sleeplessemu]@iggly we own our own home so we can’t move just like that. Although we currently wfh it’s in commuting distance if we need to go in and is one of the more affordable areas (we live in the suburbs of a big city).

I think condensing hours is the way forward at least for where we are rn.[/quote]
I understand moving isn’t quick but it’s a longer term option - we’ve done it so I know how hard it is.

I think your instinct and your friends reaction to what is happening here shouldn’t be ignored. Everything on this thread just cements that!