Should I be concerned about how MIL looks after toddler?

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi all,

So I have a little girl, she is nearly 20 months old. I have worked full time since she was 15 months. She is in nursery 3 days a week and the other 2 days my MIL comes to our house 2 days and looks after her for a few hours here and there whilst my husband and I work from home. Before that I went back to work part time when she was 12 months and she was in nursery 2 days and my husband had taken one day off a week to sort of acclimatise her to my MIL.
The idea behind this set up is not only cost, but also something my MIL begged and begged to do, even before we had children. We are also working from home so we still get to spend time with her whilst on lunch and breaks.

So here’s the ‘concerns’ it’s been over 6 months, and on handover my little girl is still extremely distressed when initially being around her. She has settled in extremely well at nursery and with other adults she doesn’t seem as distressed by. I’m upstairs working and I can hear her crying and saying noooo, and banging on the living room door and it’s really hard. Also for the rest of the day she’s more agitated and never really eats as wel.

It also not like this issue as come out of the blue, we’ve had quite a few issues along the way, my MIL force fed her spicy food which led to her refusing to eat for several weeks (she’s not allowed to feed her anymore), she wasn’t changing her nappy and there had been several instances my LG sitting in a dirty nappy (this is something we never allow, she always tells us she’s done a poo and we change it immediately), my little girl fell and hit her head and she wouldn’t tell us the truth about what happened, so we didn’t know how she fell or if from a height or what she hit her head on, we only heard her scream and cry. These are just a few blips.

I’m not sure what’s causing my little girl to get so distressed around her, I do wonder if it’s because she doesn’t really seem to entertain her, every time I’ve gone to get my little girl for a snack my MIL is watching TV and my little girl is playing on the floor or just being held on her lap (she’s a very active little girl and only likes to sit still for puzzles or stories, so isn’t really the type to be held in one place, she would normally protest (my MIL can’t read so she’d never read her a story). We’ve had to tell MIL to take her outside when the weather is nice because before she was just being trapped indoors all day, we have a garden with garden toys but that just wasn’t happening and she was getting a bit stir crazy. Could it be she’s quite a loud lady and it seems like she’s shouting a lot? She also doesn’t speak English, so could that be it? Or is it that she’s at home and would rather be with us so protests? I’m fairly confident she’s not physically hurting her or intentionally being cruel.

I’ve mentioned it to my husband and he gets a bit defensive because it’s his mum but ultimately I don’t know if this is normal for a toddler as she’s my first? I’ve had some friends who have stated this is really concerning from MIL but I’d just like to soundboard it.

Thanks for reading!

your dh supervised her giving your chiild spicy food-he clearly has a problem saying anthing to her doesnt he

I appreciate money is tricky but I wouldn’t let someone look after my dog after all these incidents and difficulties with communication, let alone my child. Safeguard your daughter!

@BetterThanKleenex, ok, she is neither neglected nor abused. But those are the facts my little girl my entire world, I have a crappy childcare situation 1/2 days a week (as sometimes MIL doesn’t show up) that I’ve remedied. My
Child is very well loved and tended to by her parents.

@GabsAlot he said he didn’t know it was hot at the time as she had told him it wasn’t, so she lied, another reason why I was livid but yeah he can be a bit of a pansy with this.

For instance now, he’s not talking to me

@FeatheredHope we’ll be condensing our hours for lieu days.

Fgs safeguard your poor girl!

It does sound strange, 2 days a week for 6 months most 20 month olds would be pretty attached to someone they liked. So clearly there is an issue... I would try to look into another option OP. Childminder may be cheaper? It’s not easy...

@3AndStopping yes it’s odd, and there’s been those incidents on top (one offs but still).

Hubby shuts down about it, says it’s just because I have issues with her. I did, but these are separate.

I’m going to have a chat to my boss about condensing my hours, and getting a lieu day. I found out I’m pregnant again so I’ll be off work in 6 months anyway x

If your MIL is just watching telly and trying to force your DD to do the same, she's not really looking after her is she? I suggest you try giving her a schedule to keep to - my toddler's routine at that age included at least two hours outside every morning, whatever the weather, and usually another outing in the afternoon. Even if she hadn't failed to check a nappy and ignored your request about food, failing to give an active toddler enough exercise would be grounds for telling her she's got to do much much better because her GD deserves much much better.

I found out I’m pregnant again hope you have a plan for affording childcare for two of them going forward...

@FeatheredHope it wasn’t planned, working that out rn!

OP you know it is entirely possible and normal for your MIL to adore her grandchild but just find caring for her for 2 entire days completely overwhelming and be struggling with it.

Parenting techniques from when we were brought up (and in another country by the sound of it) are very different to today and she may simply just not know how to handle her. Things which were normal then are considered borderline abusive (if not abusive) now.

The added language barrier between her and yourself (together with your DH not being able to communicate effectively) likely means she will not fully understand your style of parenting, how you prefer to handle certain situations and it makes it next to impossible to explain the reasoning why we now parent differently - things which are all very common sense to us.

From her point of view, sounds like she is really struggling caring for a toddler, finding it physically exhausting, has made a few mistakes along the way, isn't trusted to feed her grandchild alone but expected to look after her. I am not saying you are in the wrong - I also would not allow a family member to feed my child after that incident but if you see it from her side, it is also upsetting.

I personally would put it to her from the perspective it is clearly tiring for her so you feel it is better she does not do childcare but instead spends time with you and her grandchild evenings and weekends.

If you are pregnant again, you will need to have a good look at your financial situation too - I had 2 under 2 and if you thought nursery is expensive for the one then you have a big shock coming. Even with one child on funded hours, it costs a fortune if you want to work 4 days or full time

So your existing child can suffer for 6 months.
Then you have maternity leave.
Then both children can suffer as you can’t afford childcare for one. Let alone two.

AIBU to be concerned?
You should’ve concerned
Well I can’t afford childcare. But I’m having another child.

I’m out OP.

@bakingdemon well hubby says it’s on in the background as he’s spoken to his mum about it and I’ve just come in at inopportune times.

I think the schedule idea is a nice one, she has a lot of activities she enjoys like drawing, puzzles and reading, sing songs etc. But I think for the time being we’ll condense our hours and sort it out among us, I don’t think she can entertain such a young toddler

@Wolfiefan no that’s absolutely not what I said. I said I’m going to condense my working hours for lieu days and then I’ll be on mat leave.

You don't need to speak the same language as a child to look after it, my brother was in a Spanish speaking nursery (30 something years ago) and I have worked in a English and a english/French speaking nursery with lots of children who didn't speak either language (expat community overseas) and it wasn't a huge problem, kids learn certain words, get in routines and picked up on the fact that they are loved and cared for.

The forcing her to eat, not imteracting, head bump etc would be issues.

@riddles26 I think you’re right, she just can’t cope. Not through lack of love or whatever but she can’t cope

This pregnancy was a shock and unplanned I can’t lie. I don’t want to go into too much detail as this wasn’t the purpose of this post but options are being explored

well you have a dh problem then and now another on the way what will you do then about childcare

@Toasty280 agreed! That’s what’s broken my trust in the situation and then my little girl still gets upset here and there

@GabsAlot i don’t want to go into too much detail as it wasn’t the point of the post but I’m exploring my options, in all areas.

No judgement from me on having a second already - there are lots of advantages too but just pointing out the cost. I had my second much sooner than I would have planned to because I had fertility issues with the first so we didn't prevent second time in case it took 2+ years again. As life would have it, it happened first month!

I would have loved the luxury of being able to plan the perfect gap so no2 came when funded hours began for my eldest and I didn't have a difficult mat leave with 2 under 2 but I count my blessings that I managed to have a second without the heartache I experienced trying to conceive the first. The financial hit is a drop in the ocean when looking at it like that. Just explore all your options as it is tough

@riddles26 a similar situation to myself, except for some daft reason my contraception didn’t work.

Both my husband and I have middle management jobs so we never thought we’d be in difficulty.

Termination fills me with great sadness but I guess it’s part of the options

It seems clear that your mill's ideas of parenting are miles away from your own.

I expect with her own dc raised in a different time and culture, children were left to their own devices and the adults mainly disciplined by shouting and ruling by fear. It was also an extended family situation; several generations all pitching in and children left to play with siblings or cousins with limited supervision.
That's probably the upbringing your husband had and what mil knows. I hope that doesn't come across as intolerant of other cultures.

Unfortunately, your requirements for dd are a world away from that and it appears almost impossible to communicate your concerns.
I don't think your mil is abusive but this isn't working. Your dd isn't used to this style of childcare, it really doesn't fit with modern western views on parenting.

I like the suggestion above to frame this as taking pressure off mil and making other arrangements. The bond between your dd and grandmother is going to be irreparably damaged and this will create a rift between you and mil if it continues.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. This is the perfect opportunity to look into new childcare arrangements. Trust your instincts on this Op

Your daughter is no doubt more distressed at home than nursery because she knows you're in the house and she can't reach you. She's being left with a lady who she can't communicate with and she does know very well, but that's nothing that can't be worked on. Toddlers pick up second languages very quickly.
As people get older, they often lose their sense of smell so it might not be that she's deliberately leaving your daughter in a dirty nappy, it may simply be that she can't smell her and your daughter can't tell her.
Did she feed her food that is common baby food in her culture? Maybe she didn't think it was a problem.
The head injury sounds like a lost in translation issue and I think this is the only thing that I'd be concerned about and want to know exactly what happened. I don't really think there's anything that isn't addressable though, and I think it's lovely that your daughter has the opportunity to form a relationship with her grandma.

I don't understand why you've posted if you now say everything is fine and MIL doesn't force feed or leave her in dirty nappies.

Personally I couldn't put my child somewhere they clearly are on distress about going to.
Are you claiming the 20% tax relief through the government btw?