Should I be concerned about how MIL looks after toddler?

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi all,

So I have a little girl, she is nearly 20 months old. I have worked full time since she was 15 months. She is in nursery 3 days a week and the other 2 days my MIL comes to our house 2 days and looks after her for a few hours here and there whilst my husband and I work from home. Before that I went back to work part time when she was 12 months and she was in nursery 2 days and my husband had taken one day off a week to sort of acclimatise her to my MIL.
The idea behind this set up is not only cost, but also something my MIL begged and begged to do, even before we had children. We are also working from home so we still get to spend time with her whilst on lunch and breaks.

So here’s the ‘concerns’ it’s been over 6 months, and on handover my little girl is still extremely distressed when initially being around her. She has settled in extremely well at nursery and with other adults she doesn’t seem as distressed by. I’m upstairs working and I can hear her crying and saying noooo, and banging on the living room door and it’s really hard. Also for the rest of the day she’s more agitated and never really eats as wel.

It also not like this issue as come out of the blue, we’ve had quite a few issues along the way, my MIL force fed her spicy food which led to her refusing to eat for several weeks (she’s not allowed to feed her anymore), she wasn’t changing her nappy and there had been several instances my LG sitting in a dirty nappy (this is something we never allow, she always tells us she’s done a poo and we change it immediately), my little girl fell and hit her head and she wouldn’t tell us the truth about what happened, so we didn’t know how she fell or if from a height or what she hit her head on, we only heard her scream and cry. These are just a few blips.

I’m not sure what’s causing my little girl to get so distressed around her, I do wonder if it’s because she doesn’t really seem to entertain her, every time I’ve gone to get my little girl for a snack my MIL is watching TV and my little girl is playing on the floor or just being held on her lap (she’s a very active little girl and only likes to sit still for puzzles or stories, so isn’t really the type to be held in one place, she would normally protest (my MIL can’t read so she’d never read her a story). We’ve had to tell MIL to take her outside when the weather is nice because before she was just being trapped indoors all day, we have a garden with garden toys but that just wasn’t happening and she was getting a bit stir crazy. Could it be she’s quite a loud lady and it seems like she’s shouting a lot? She also doesn’t speak English, so could that be it? Or is it that she’s at home and would rather be with us so protests? I’m fairly confident she’s not physically hurting her or intentionally being cruel.

I’ve mentioned it to my husband and he gets a bit defensive because it’s his mum but ultimately I don’t know if this is normal for a toddler as she’s my first? I’ve had some friends who have stated this is really concerning from MIL but I’d just like to soundboard it.

Thanks for reading!

The arrangement has been changed. Thanks for your comment and support!

I hope she's no longer looking after your dd

My dog could do a better job than her

Good! That was an accident waiting to happen.

The best think you can do with children is look at the implicit - watch and follow their emotions with different people - it tells you all you need to know. Your DD needs to always feel safe and confident - not anxious and distressed.

Always pick up and act on any distress even in their body language even if they don’t have the words.

You know how to read your child. The nappy and other incidents are less relevant and seem to be you looking for objective facts to justify your gut and the minimisation from your DH - whereas her distress and your emotional instincts are more than enough.

No need to blame or shame anyone - it’s just easier to say “this isn’t working / not sustainable / not compatible”

Sound advice on how to have the conversation! I appreciate it!

I feel a little sorry for MIL in this situation. Having had nanny's when my children were young and trying to work from home for periods while they're in the house is very difficult as they will usually prefer to be with their parent and will seek them out especially when too little to understand why you're not spending time with them.

MIL is also not a professional, it's been a long time since she had children and no doubt the rules have changed.

She's probably terrified of the baby crying while you're at home and now also of nappies and food. The language barrier is certainly not helping you all to communicate. I think you need to find ways to get her to understand yourself. Google translator? There is an audio option too.

I agree she needs to follow your directions if this is going to work. You need to have food prepared and ready to go as well as an itinerary for the day including activities and outdoor time.

How close is MIL's house to you? Could she take your daughter there from time to time?

I also don't agree with the Nannycam that is a massive invasion of privacy, you either trust her or she doesn't look after your child.

Other option is for you and DH to explore flexible working, one if you start earlier, the other work later, so you can both cover your hours each day.