Should I be concerned about how MIL looks after toddler?

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi all,

So I have a little girl, she is nearly 20 months old. I have worked full time since she was 15 months. She is in nursery 3 days a week and the other 2 days my MIL comes to our house 2 days and looks after her for a few hours here and there whilst my husband and I work from home. Before that I went back to work part time when she was 12 months and she was in nursery 2 days and my husband had taken one day off a week to sort of acclimatise her to my MIL.
The idea behind this set up is not only cost, but also something my MIL begged and begged to do, even before we had children. We are also working from home so we still get to spend time with her whilst on lunch and breaks.

So here’s the ‘concerns’ it’s been over 6 months, and on handover my little girl is still extremely distressed when initially being around her. She has settled in extremely well at nursery and with other adults she doesn’t seem as distressed by. I’m upstairs working and I can hear her crying and saying noooo, and banging on the living room door and it’s really hard. Also for the rest of the day she’s more agitated and never really eats as wel.

It also not like this issue as come out of the blue, we’ve had quite a few issues along the way, my MIL force fed her spicy food which led to her refusing to eat for several weeks (she’s not allowed to feed her anymore), she wasn’t changing her nappy and there had been several instances my LG sitting in a dirty nappy (this is something we never allow, she always tells us she’s done a poo and we change it immediately), my little girl fell and hit her head and she wouldn’t tell us the truth about what happened, so we didn’t know how she fell or if from a height or what she hit her head on, we only heard her scream and cry. These are just a few blips.

I’m not sure what’s causing my little girl to get so distressed around her, I do wonder if it’s because she doesn’t really seem to entertain her, every time I’ve gone to get my little girl for a snack my MIL is watching TV and my little girl is playing on the floor or just being held on her lap (she’s a very active little girl and only likes to sit still for puzzles or stories, so isn’t really the type to be held in one place, she would normally protest (my MIL can’t read so she’d never read her a story). We’ve had to tell MIL to take her outside when the weather is nice because before she was just being trapped indoors all day, we have a garden with garden toys but that just wasn’t happening and she was getting a bit stir crazy. Could it be she’s quite a loud lady and it seems like she’s shouting a lot? She also doesn’t speak English, so could that be it? Or is it that she’s at home and would rather be with us so protests? I’m fairly confident she’s not physically hurting her or intentionally being cruel.

I’ve mentioned it to my husband and he gets a bit defensive because it’s his mum but ultimately I don’t know if this is normal for a toddler as she’s my first? I’ve had some friends who have stated this is really concerning from MIL but I’d just like to soundboard it.

Thanks for reading!

I stopped at “force fed her spicy food”. It’s not the nappies that would have bothered me but the “force feeding”. No chance she would be looking after my child ever again.

You should've stopped this a long time ago she's sounds lazy and negligent

I cannot comprehend leaving my child in the care of someone else who I cannot communicate with, and no one else in the family can reliably communicate with (including her son!).

It is totally unfair on a child, who is at the stage where language development should be really starting to develop to be left with someone who cannot speak to her or understand her.

The fact that she cannot even read the child a story, watch TV in an interactive way, or encourage her speech is just unbelievable!

I'm not sure what people are imagining when they read "force feeding" but there hasn't been much detail given so it's open to interpretation.

It could be that mil spoon fed the child some food, she spat it out, she fed her again. This style of feeding is very prevalent in Asian or African cultures where food is scarce,and young children must eat whether they like the food or not.

I'm not excusing it but I doubt it was done maliciously. Unfortunately it resulted in the child being distressed.

As already pointed out, there is a huge culture clash here, a language barrier and modern western styles of parenting being expected from a woman who has no experience except her own culture.

Honestly I think this is a culture clash. MIL not speaking English isn’t an issue, your DD doesn’t even speak English yet and if anything she’s likely to learn words in MIL’s language. Feeding spicy food isn’t an issue, it’s common in many cultures for babies to be introduced to spicy foods early and my own DS has eaten spicy curry since he was under a year old. The words “force feeding” are very emotive but is that really what she did, or did she just put spoonfuls of food in the baby’s mouth? And I often think that modern parents expectations are too high in terms of wanting their children to be constantly entertained. MIL raised your DH and he’s fine.

As for your DD yelling - well my DS yells if he knows I’m upstairs but he doesn’t yell if he’s seen me go out. So when my DM babysits I have to pretend to go out, then she closes the door and I sneak back upstairs to work. Then DS doesn’t yell or cry because he thinks I’m out. Your DD obviously associates MIL’s arrival with being separated from her parents, she doesn’t understand why you’re upstairs but she can’t join you.

I would have a word with MIL about getting more fresh air in the garden, and maybe buy some books in MIL’s language. Then see how it goes for a while.

Hi all,

Firstly I don’t know what I did to my username, I tried to change it back but can’t. But hey ho.

Re force feeding, I consider it being forceful because I’ve always just allowed her to eat what she wants and stop when she wants but my MIL is of that ‘clear the plate’ mentality. I wasn’t there, but my hubby said, she was spooning food into her mouth even though my LG was over eating at that point and telling her eat come on eat (in her language and eat in English). She had promised none of the food she’d made was spicy but that was a lie. My husband was fasting (for religious reasons) that’s why he hadn’t tried it first and I was at the dentist. The reason it was such a big deal is because it triggered a feeding aversion and we ended up taking her to see a paediatric dietitian to get to the bottom of the issues, it took months to get her back on track. It’s also a big deal to me as she was explicitly told, let her eat calmly and anything can’t be too spicy or salty (she had been told twice before too) It was actually the dietitian who suggested that MIL wasn’t to do meal or snack times any more. I should have been explicitly clear in my original post, that she didn’t literally force food in her mouth. Apologies for confusion.

I’m also not making excuses for MILs actions just trying to provide context and make clear even though unacceptable It wasn’t done out of malice, I think perhaps laziness? Of course it makes it harder that I can’t communicate with her myself and I’m reliant on my husband to translate back and forth for me. This is what created the upset when my LG tripped and hit her head, there was 3 versions of events, apparently due to poor translation.

With regards to all the comments on her not speaking English, many children are raised bi lingually. I also speak to my child in English and then my other language. That’s not the issue at hand, my query was around if that could be contributing to my little girl getting upset at handover times. She can encourage speech in their native language. Immersion is the best and fastest way to learn a language.

The soiled nappy happened on one occasion too, she claimed to miss it. But prior to that it was my husband and I changing her nappy at snack time.
MIL never has her for more than 90 mins/ 2 hrs max due to snack, meal and nap times. LG has the same routine at home as she has at nursery, again advised by dietitian to help with food aversion.

The issue has now been solved, thanks for everyone who took the time to read and reply!

And by solved I mean, MIL won’t be looking after her anymore. Xx

Who is now looking after her Instead op? Because yesterday you had no other option and couldn't afford childcare. You defended every point and concern you made In your original post, and now even though you were adamant there wasn't a way around it - she's not looking after her?
I'm sorry op, but it very much reads as though you're saying that to stop people telling you how bad it is, and are sweeping it under the carpet to carry on using her as free childcare.

All the points you've readdressed haven't changed since your op - it's all still as bad, no matter how you try and sugar coat it. Having to take a child to a paediatrician because she was too scared to eat after she had spicy food chucked in her mouth, is enough reason to never leave her in that woman's care again. It's shocking that it took over one hundred comments to get that across.

I really hope for your DD and unborn baby's sake she won't be used in the future.

I’m not defending every point, or I wouldn’t have made it in the first place, just added context so the incidents were crystal clear. They are still and will always be sh!t.

Yesterday 5 days at nursery wasn’t affordable and it still isn’t today. Yesterday my husband was adamant I’m exaggerating everything and all is ok, same today. Difference is, I had a brief convo with my manager last night about our childcare issues (she’s often late too which is difficult for work in the first place) and then again this morning and I can work flexibly and condense my hours, meaning I can look after her in the day and work later in the evening. I didn’t think it was possible as it’s not on HR and it’s not in our mat policy to return to work policy, and I’d mentioned it before and it had been dismissed as a ‘long term’ solution, but now it’s what I’ll do and it’s in writing so it’s a solid arrangement.

I think your overdramatised and massively over reactive original post OP is coming back to bite you judging by the replies you've received.

Basically you are trying to micromanage you MIL and DD and don't particularly like your MIL and resent her necessity in your life.

So basically MIl tried to encourage her with a spicy food you didn't approve of and DD didn't like (no surprise there with a toddler), MIl didn't change her dirty nappy because she wasn't aware it was dirty, DD fell over and bumped her head and (because of the language difficulty) the story came out muddled and you jumped to a weird conclusion because you don't like MIL.

You need to get to grips with this and let MIl look after DD in a way that she chooses. DD won't die if she doesn't get read to, or step outside the front door. MIL must be playing with her GD otherwise why did she want to look after her? She's providing free childcare which you need financially. You come across as very PFB. Your DD is not coming to harm and is enjoying a different environment once a week, which will enable her to become more resilient And adaptable.

Review it again in 6 months but if you DD is taking it all in her stride, stop worrying.

@Sleeplessemma Name change fail

I know, I want to change it back but I can’t. Oh well least of my concerns. Not even sure how I did it, but whatever.

I certainly didn’t intend to overdramatise anything on my original post, but it must have come out that way. I’m a worrier by nature so a lot of things seem like a big deal.

I’m not sure what pfb means, but ok. I’m sure it’s valid, I’m probably hyper vigilant.

I think for my peace of mind though, I’ll go with the arrangement I’ve drawn up with work this morning.

Thanks for your perspective!

PFB = Precious first born, methinks 😂

When you post just complete the rest of your username in the user and field and it will post as normal :)

@tentosix

PFB = Precious first born, methinks 😂

Leaving a baby in a filthy nappy is actually neglect... She's hardly being "precious" to want her baby changed.

Oh thank you! Can’t believe I didn’t figure that out!

@tentosix

I think your overdramatised and massively over reactive original post OP is coming back to bite you judging by the replies you've received.

Basically you are trying to micromanage you MIL and DD and don't particularly like your MIL and resent her necessity in your life.

So basically MIl tried to encourage her with a spicy food you didn't approve of and DD didn't like (no surprise there with a toddler), MIl didn't change her dirty nappy because she wasn't aware it was dirty, DD fell over and bumped her head and (because of the language difficulty) the story came out muddled and you jumped to a weird conclusion because you don't like MIL.

You need to get to grips with this and let MIl look after DD in a way that she chooses. DD won't die if she doesn't get read to, or step outside the front door. MIL must be playing with her GD otherwise why did she want to look after her? She's providing free childcare which you need financially. You come across as very PFB. Your DD is not coming to harm and is enjoying a different environment once a week, which will enable her to become more resilient And adaptable.

Review it again in 6 months but if you DD is taking it all in her stride, stop worrying.

You need to get to grips with this and let MIl look after DD in a way that she chooses...

NO YOU DON’T!!!

You need to use YOUR mother’s instinct for YOUR child - which is what you are doing.

This is your opportunity to parent to your standards and values. You don’t have to do it to anyone else’s standards or values - even if they were “higher” or different.

This is a natural maternal gut instinct - listen to it and respond to it.

You have made many interventions along the way .... spoken with your DH, spoken with her, involved professionals, spoken with your friends and posted on here ...... which have led you to the best conclusion for your DD which is condensed hours and taking the MIL out or the sole care situation.

It was incompatible on many levels and unsustainable - you didn’t know that to start. There is no malice just ineptitude BUT......

Your DH is an issue. Don’t let him minimise again. It’s a red flag that he’s a mummy’s boy and he is expecting you to put up and shut up ..... because he doesn’t want the discomfort of managing his mother.

Know this about him and push through with your maternal gut instinct each time. Know he is a barrier.

Well done for sorting this out. Don’t worry if anyone takes offence about the change in arrangements - this is your motherhood - you own it 100% - other people can do parenting / childcare their own way with their own children.

@Sssloou thanks for you comment!

It’s been hard to see the word from the trees with DH saying it’s all ok and I’m overreacting and overly worried, then my gut worry that MIL had to be told what I’d deem basic things, and then that LG is still upset at handover times. My gut tells me she’s not being engaged. Yes my MIL raised DH and other nieces and nephews but It’s just strange that my LG is still upset at handovers 6 months later when she practically runs to nursery carers.

The DH thing is deep rooted cultural issues, it’s a culture where you don’t dare speak back to elders even if they are abusvie to you. It’s come up before in different scenarios other than this, but you are right! Spot on actually.

I don’t want to stop contact with his side of the family but for now I think supervised is the only way forward.

I spent 50% of my work day when MIL was watching LG looking after my LG anyway. So a change will be more effective on numerous fronts. I’m glad my work understood.

Leaving a baby in a filthy nappy is actually neglect... She's hardly being "precious" to want her baby changed.. I don’t believe there is a mother alive who hasn’t missed a pooey nappy for various reasons and been mortified at the sore bum. You’re saying this is a deliberate act and there is no evidence for that whatsoever.

Not saying OP needs to leave her Dd with someone she is not happy with, but at least have a reason not related to a dirty nappy or not reading. If the DD appears unhappy, change. It’s that simple

I’m ashamed to admit but I’ve missed a nappy on occasion, thankfully she’s never had a sore bottom nor sat in it for hours, but I have missed a nappy and not changed it instantly, not so much now as she pulls at her nappy but when she was a bit younger.

DD seems a bit twitchy the rest of the day, again I wonder if she’s bored. I mentioned the nappy because until that point she wasn’t really changing them at all. DD wasn’t in a dirty nappy because myself and my husband were changing it at snack/ meal or nap time. She had to be told to check her nappy, but as one comment said it appears to be a cultural thing. Something I had 0 idea about. It appears it is also a cultural thing about engaging them in playing etc. Again didn’t know.

I’ve decided to change the arrangement, it will cause problems but ultimately it is what it is.

What about a hidden camera?

@tentosix no, missing a nappy is not the same as purposefully not changing a dirty nappy when you've noticed it..

She claimed to not know it was dirty but it was the fact she hadn’t been changing them at all until we had to mention it or it wouldn’t get done when it seems to be common sense.

(LG wasn’t left in them, hubby and I had been checking and changing at nap and snack and meal times. It was the first time we’d ever had an incident with a dirty nappy)

She force fed her - ignoring all the other extremely serious safeguarding concerns this would be immediately enough for me to stop any alone contact between them.

Reading about your DD banging on the door makes me actually anxious you need to step in and do what's best for your child!