Should I be concerned about how MIL looks after toddler?

[Sleeplessemma]

Hi all,

So I have a little girl, she is nearly 20 months old. I have worked full time since she was 15 months. She is in nursery 3 days a week and the other 2 days my MIL comes to our house 2 days and looks after her for a few hours here and there whilst my husband and I work from home. Before that I went back to work part time when she was 12 months and she was in nursery 2 days and my husband had taken one day off a week to sort of acclimatise her to my MIL.
The idea behind this set up is not only cost, but also something my MIL begged and begged to do, even before we had children. We are also working from home so we still get to spend time with her whilst on lunch and breaks.

So here’s the ‘concerns’ it’s been over 6 months, and on handover my little girl is still extremely distressed when initially being around her. She has settled in extremely well at nursery and with other adults she doesn’t seem as distressed by. I’m upstairs working and I can hear her crying and saying noooo, and banging on the living room door and it’s really hard. Also for the rest of the day she’s more agitated and never really eats as wel.

It also not like this issue as come out of the blue, we’ve had quite a few issues along the way, my MIL force fed her spicy food which led to her refusing to eat for several weeks (she’s not allowed to feed her anymore), she wasn’t changing her nappy and there had been several instances my LG sitting in a dirty nappy (this is something we never allow, she always tells us she’s done a poo and we change it immediately), my little girl fell and hit her head and she wouldn’t tell us the truth about what happened, so we didn’t know how she fell or if from a height or what she hit her head on, we only heard her scream and cry. These are just a few blips.

I’m not sure what’s causing my little girl to get so distressed around her, I do wonder if it’s because she doesn’t really seem to entertain her, every time I’ve gone to get my little girl for a snack my MIL is watching TV and my little girl is playing on the floor or just being held on her lap (she’s a very active little girl and only likes to sit still for puzzles or stories, so isn’t really the type to be held in one place, she would normally protest (my MIL can’t read so she’d never read her a story). We’ve had to tell MIL to take her outside when the weather is nice because before she was just being trapped indoors all day, we have a garden with garden toys but that just wasn’t happening and she was getting a bit stir crazy. Could it be she’s quite a loud lady and it seems like she’s shouting a lot? She also doesn’t speak English, so could that be it? Or is it that she’s at home and would rather be with us so protests? I’m fairly confident she’s not physically hurting her or intentionally being cruel.

I’ve mentioned it to my husband and he gets a bit defensive because it’s his mum but ultimately I don’t know if this is normal for a toddler as she’s my first? I’ve had some friends who have stated this is really concerning from MIL but I’d just like to soundboard it.

Thanks for reading!

I think you've misinterpreted what I said, or rather reacted emotionally/instinctively rather than considering it OP, iyswim. I didn't mean it as a harsh criticism, more as a boiling down of the situation to what I would see as the main issue if it were me.

By putting MILs wants over DDs needs I mean that DD needs to be looked after by someone you trust completely, who you know will feed her safely, change her, not let her get hurt, and tbh, do as you ask re activities / outside play etc. Not as a nice to have, but as the minimum level of care that is acceptable for DDs wellbeing. If she won't do as you ask on easy stuff like suggested activities then I can't see she's the sort of person to not decide she knows best about other more important stuff. I think she's proved that to you with the food incident.

But it seems your DH (and I say him only because you can't speak to MIL yourself) doesn't want to upset his DM by asking her to do these things, so MILs want to look after DD - which isn't necessary for MILs basic wellbeing - so is a want rather than a need, is being prioritised in order to keep her happy. But that's at the expense of DDs happiness, as you say she's upset and distressed.

I do understand about the cost of nursery, but, God forbid, if something were to happen to DD (like PP said given whole grapes to eat? Or MIL watching TV / not waking up when DD does and DD gets hold of something she shouldn't?)

Could you reduce your hours that you need childcare for by one of you starting and finishing earlier and the other doing later? So it's only the middle of the day you'd need childcare for and you could spread your 3 days worth of hours over more days that way? Or each work 4 days but do full time hours so 4 longer days but only 3 that you'd need childcare for?

@AliasGrape not downplaying just adding context to the incidents so they are clear. I wanted to state as well they aren’t on going incidents but one offs that have happened. And dealt with but nonetheless have left my unhappy with the whole scenario.

Hubby says I’m overreacting so I just wanted to make sure I gave facts as I know them not just the headlines.

I won’t lie, but the situation doesn’t feel right. But hubby just insists that it’s because his mum is loud. I’m sure to some extent that’s true but I think my LG isn’t being stimulated, not to mention I can’t trust my MIL to feed her and even when I’m told about an incident the version of events changes 5 million times so I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

Yes I can’t afford 5 days nursery right now, but we’ll be changing our arrangement, it was nice to know I’m not over reacting

[quote Sleeplessemma]@BetterThanKleenex I don’t abuse or neglect my child thank you![/quote]
That's exactly what a child abuser would say.

Lots of questions. How could your husband have been raised by a mother who didn't communicate with him if he doesn't speak the same language as her? Did she have your daughter on the work surface and she slipped off? Surely, your MIL could mime how the incident happened? Would a child minder be cheaper than nursery?

There is no way I’d let someone look after my child who couldn’t speak the same language or read to her.
On top of that your daughter has been injured, she’s distressed around your MIL. Your MIL has fed her spicy food which has cocked up her eating, she doesn’t change her nappy when she needs it. This is neglectful. You need to take charge and put a stop to this. She’s not even doing the bare minimum for your daughter.

Ok fair enough I believe you about your dh's language skills.

The reason I'm partly "blaming" your dh for this situation, is that he's not taking your concerns seriously, he's defending his mother, refusing to discuss changes with her. He is your go between here if you want the situation to improve.

You say he took time off initially to spend time with his mum and dd "settling them in" but that seems to have been ineffectual? All I can assume is that he thinks nothing wrong with the way his mum is with his daughter? The main issues seem to be;
She leaves dd to play without much interaction,
She's slow to meet her needs; nappy changes, needing comfort, or attention
She's too strict; raising her voice too often and shouting

Those issues need to be resolved or grandmother cannot care for her dgd on her own.

Also, what is she watching on the tv if she doesn't understand the language or it is Asian tv or similar? Are the programs suitable to be on the tv when a child is in the room?

@Faranth, perhaps yes and sorry if that’s the case! It’s an emotive subject. My little girl is my world.

My hubby has given his mother clear guidelines on the nappy thing and taking her out and playing with her outside (weather permitting) we’ve a lovely little park on the estate too so it’s very manageable. MIL does do those things, which is what I mean when I say they were isolated incidents (not down playing just stating) She is categorically not allowed to feed her, I will never allow that again, she had that privilege supervised (by hubby at that time) and she abused it. So it will never happen again.

Just in case it wasn’t clear, hubby and I give her all meals and snacks and put her down for her nap so she’s in a safe sleep space, that’s when MIL naps, she doesn’t nap when alone with my LG only when she’s asleep or if my hubby is with my LG.

Your MIL can't read??!

@SmileyClare you’re right to put the blame on him, partly at least. I physically can’t communicate, I know a few phrases but no where near enough to communicate anything like this (I’m on the more tea? How are you? Level).

He was pissed at her in the beginning after those incidents and told her off for them. When I said she was loud and shouty it’s just how she is it’s not that she’s strict and yelling it’s just she’s a really shrill person, which to a child is probably the same

Does mil want to look after her? Maybe she doesn't r finds it difficult. Doesn't sound like your dd is happy!

@quizqueen yes the programs are definitely suitable, mainly religious tv, sometimes daytime soaps in her own language and sometimes there’s been cartoon on my my girl.

My LG doesn’t really watch tv around me though,
She prefers books and puzzles.

@roarfeckingroarr no she can’t. She never went to school, ever. She can’t read in L1 so there is not hope for L2

If nursery had fed my child spicy food the way you describe or had left them in an unchanged nappy, I would be withdrawing them. Even if it were a one off. If my child was upset at nursery to the extent yours is with your MIL, they were keeping them indoors or not stimulating them, i would also be withdrawing them.

So it goes to reason that I would also not be allowing the childcare arrangement to continue with MIL either for the very same reason. I have no idea how you get by without her feeding your child all day too, at that age, mine were constantly snacking in some way if at home

Could you take time off work and spend a week (say) with your dd and mil? You may be able to help dd feel more confident and secure in her company if you're there too? Help a bond to form. Your dd is telling you she's not feeling secure in her grandmother's charge.

Perhaps even teach mil a few words to help her communicate, even if that's just Drink, play? good girl, thank you, yes and no. Show her what dd likes to do, her favourite toys, picture books or tv progranmmes.

You can also get a clearer idea of what's going wrong rather than just hearing snapshots and worrying.
Aim to get mil into a clear routine with dd and spending time together you might begin to trust her as a caregiver.

At least then you've tried before looking up childminders in your area (much cheaper than nursery).

These are just a few blips
Not really. I wouldn’t consider an unexplained head injury a blip.

A childminder who looks after more then one child would be cheaper then a full time nursery place and still allow your child peer group interaction.

Your mil is not a competent carer for your child. Don’t allow her to prove that beyond doubt.

I assume as this is a long term arrangement, you are paying MIL for at least her petrol to and from your home, plus something for her time 2 days a week? Whether its cash, vouchers or taking her own etc??? use that money and get a child minder or baby sitter!

You clearly are uncomfortable with this situation, as any normal parent would be! Surely you thought up a plan B and not expected this situation to last forever? What if MIL was ill, had a stroke or worse? Or, as is the case now, it simply isn't working for multiple reasons and you have concerns?

Why would you expect your DH to teach you his language, especially when you say he doesn't speak it well himself . Learn on duolingo, buy a dictionary, do online courses or find a face-to-face course in your area!

@quizqueen oh god no there was no surface she was on to slip off, I’d have killed her if that was the case.

The incident was my little girl was new on her feet and running around and tripped and fell. Which id never hold against her because it’s happened to me too. The discrepancy came when we heard her cry so came downstairs immediately and hubby asked what happened and MIL said she tripped and fell and hit her head but it’s ok because she caught her so she didn’t hit her head. Hubby translated that to me, and I pointed out that makes no sense how can you have caught her and she didn’t hit her head and but you
Said earlier she hit her head. What floor was she on (we have carpet and wood)? Where did she hit it? Did she break her fall? And then I got about 3/4 different answers, hubby said he ended up translating wrong and states he got confused and that’s what the issue is. Pissed off i took her to see the practice nurse at the GP who got me a last min appointment and she was fine and the nurse said it was probably just a minor bump and she didn’t have any marks or anything. I just wasn’t going to chance it, but the reason it annoyed me was the 3 versions of ‘ the truth’.

With regards to hubbys language, I don’t have a clue, he’s just weak in it. He can muddle through but he can’t seem to convey complex ideas, it’s like he’s at a level standard, despite being a native speaker. He’s been told my native speakers that his language is very poor, I wonder if it’s because he never had really ‘stimulating’ convos with his mum so just never developed that vocab? Who knows

@Elouera it was an arrangement til she is 3 and then she’ll be in education full time.

We currently don’t pay her anything, she can’t drive so hubby picks her up and drops her off (she lives close)

The language isn’t on duo lingo or any sort of app. I’ve bought a few books thats how I know some phrases but it’s exceptionally difficult as it’s a new alphabet so it’s a bit overwhelming. I also don’t see his family as they haven’t been the most welcoming to me, so I just gave up.

Come on Op, your MIL is providing awful care and your dd is unhappy.

Everything else is unimportant.

@partywalladvice as would I about nursery , you’re right it’s just not on.

Re snacks it’s really hard, but he and hubby put a Break in work every 90 mins to 2 hours so we give her snack. We alternate so it doesn’t take the mick for work

I think its not complicated. You are worried by the care that your Mil is giving your child. You are not crazy or Mumzilla. That worry is making a problem in your family and so something needs to be done about it. Having a bilingual or trilingual child is not as important as having a happy safe child and a Mum who can relax and do her job. Do you think that any part of your Mil's expectation of what childcare should be is cultural? That little girls should learn to sit still and be quiet? I am a bit concerned by the fact that you can't communicate directly with the person who cares for your child and that even though the translator is your partner and your child's Dad, he isn't a good translator or (sorry) an impartial one. Take out the fact that the childminder is a family member and the situation is IMO a hair raising one....even knowing that it is a family memeber IMO its still worrying.

I understand the language thing.
I spoke fluently another language till I was around 15, rarely used in full conversation since then and now I can barely string a sentence together however can understand it a little better.

@Motnight yeah she definitely was and even know I’m still unhappy, I’m speaking to my boss about condensed hours

@godmum56 I don’t think it’s any conception about little girls, I get the vibe she’s just lazy or isn’t used to doing a lot or has forgotten about being around young kids, which is really surprising because I’ve seen her with extended families members (albeit slightly older children) and she was lovely. Maybe she’s not used to a child as active and stubborn as my little girl. I have no clue how she raised my hubby as they lived in an extended family situation so others could have spotted in?