Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

Seems like a mountain over a mole hill OP.

Your Dad is better and playing hand fun and your Mum doesn't enjoy it so much. I don't see why there needs to be an unnecessary issue about it.

I wouldn't fall out over this, they are giving you amazing support and childcare. 🌸

It sounds like your mum does quite a lot with her already to be honest.

Yes you are unreasonable. Not in your care for yours daughter but in allowing to think your way is the best and only. You are especially unreasonable when complaining about this as she helps you a lot and you are more likely to damage their relationship- they very thing you want to be good. They need to sort their relationship their own way - it will change over time. I don’t think my mother ever played with me or the grandchildren but they all love her.

I don’t really enjoy playing with kids so I don’t.
Why can’t you just explain to your dd that granny doesn’t like playing? She needs to realise that adults aren’t all there to entertain her.

Sounds like your mum does lots for you already.

Maybe she just didn't feel like playing with lego early in the morning?

She already does a lot with her.

I see where you are coming from but tobbe honest I don't think adults should feel obligated to play with kids. To me, it's above & beyond the role... I don't even enjoy playing with my own kids 98% of the time!

You live with your parents who provide childcare after school when you are at work. They also take your dd out and presumably give you some breaks.

I think you need to apologise unreservedly to your mother. I also hope you do half the housework and meal prep and contribute financially.

I think your mum does more than enough.

Surely your mum is also a good granny by providing a home for your dd?

Loads of people simply don't like playing with children. You are having a huge amount of support from your parents already.

Yes YABU, playing with 5yr olds is bloody boring and your mum has no obligation to do this, she is entitled to say no without you reprimanding her for this

I think you are being UR. My mum is like your mum. She’s just not into playing. She was t when I was a child and she was when my children were small. But she did a lot for them and me in other ways. I think your mum is doing a lot for you too. It doesn’t have to include playing to qualify as putting in effort. She’s doing grandparenting the way she can and is comfortable. I think gratitude for what she does will keep you happier than whingeing about what she doesn’t do will.

Maybe ita a good thing that your dd learns that adults dont exist solely for her entertainment? She has a granny that cares for her and looks after her.

Stop trying to cause an argument about this, i think you need to apologise to your mum.

She wasnt when I was a child and she wasnt when my children were small.

I think you need to chill out OP. I would also be refusing to play Lego/barbies/frozen/house or any other make believe stuff.
By the sounds of it your mum does alot for you/dd.
Do you play all these things with dd? If so then she really doesn't need granny to play?!
Is this the hill you are prepared to die on?

You are being very unreasonable.

Don't make this a hill to die on. Your mum does plenty but play isn't her thing. Teach your daughter adults aren't going to be at her beck and call

I'm with your mum on this one OP. I hate playing with little kids, I'd rather clean the bathroom. Quality time together doesn't have to be "play". My ex MIL was dire at playing too, but she taught my kid to bake and they adore each other.

I agree with PPs.

It would be lovely if your mum wanted to play, but she doesn't. And that's ok. She is helping you hugely by giving you a place to stay & facilitating childcare so you can work.

Living alone with your DD would be much harder.

Hers might be a practical expression of love.

Does she chat & interact with your DD in other ways eg bake together, make the dinner?

Don't make this into a huge thing, if you can help it at all.

I think you need to take a step back here. A lot of grandparents do their bit by babysitting once in a blue moon and buy the odd present. Your mum is doing more than the vast majority.

Yabu.

I hate playing with my own children. I do it, but dream of never having to do it again.

You are being absolutely unreasonable.

Oh dear. The difficulty is really only parents have a responsibility towards their children. Any parenting help or relationship other family members and friends offer is entirely on their terms. As parents we can say no to help we don't want and we can request help offered is given in a way that is consistent with our parenting values, but unfortunately that is all. I appreciate your situation may be different if you discussed with your mum what you would need from her to enable you to be a solo parent and she offered or agreed in advance. If not then unfortunately your mum is entirely reasonable to use Facebook instead of playing with your daughter if she chooses to do so.

You can't force your mum to play with your daughter. She does enough for you already. I wouldn't dream of asking my parents to play with my child.

I've had two dcs and I'm a nan. I love reading to mine , talking / showing them about nature/history etc when out on walks or in the garden. Doing things like crafting or jigsaw but when it comes to playing with dolls or lego I'm out.

YABU for being annoyed and even more U to say so to her. She's your child, your mum doesn't have to play with her - she's already housing you, she's doing her grandparent duty.