Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

@gamerchick

Personally I think you're doing your kid a disservice by keeping her entertained all of the time. You'll reap the rewards of that when she's older and can't spend any time alone.

Playing with kids is boring, everyone does things their own way. I'd laugh if someone had a go at me because I didn't want to play ruddy Lego with their kid.

She isn't keeping her entertained.

Her mother looks after her three days a week and takes her shopping with her (and by the OP, because OP is having her breakfast DM must jump to attention, I can imagine OP expects her DM to entertain her quite a lot).

YABU - your parents do an awful lot more than most parents would for both you, and your DD.

If I was you I'd explain to my daughter that not everyone likes playing and granny is one of those people. It isn't a bad thing - different people enjoy doing different things and granny enjoys doing other things with your daughter (like the shopping or whatever it is they do together). My mom is a tereffic gran to 8 adult grandchildren who all enjoy and have enjoyed her company and attention over the years but I don't think I can ever remember her actually playing with them.

There is no harm in a child realising that they don't have everything they ask for, and that granny does show she likes her in other ways.

For many adults playing is boring and also uncomfortable. They have no interest in pretending or building etc. And that's perfectly OK. Sounds like your daughter has plenty of other people to play with.

Also you saying they rarely watch her at other times.. Like 3 days a week isn't enough! I'm assuming they are retirement age and could be enjoying their retirement, but they are quite generously providing childcare services to you.. For free I presume.
Also you say your daughter goes to nursery.. I'm sure she spends ALL DAY playing at nursery, why are you trying to force more play onto her, it's good for her to have independent play and quiet time..
You are so completely wrong and you can't even see it.

OP: am I being unreasonable
Everyone: yes, really unreasonable
OP: but I'm not

If you don't like it, move out. Take your flat back off your brother. Pay for childcare.

You’re outrageously entitled and selfish

Sounds like they do loads and as you decided to have a child on your own, I would have thought that any help you get would be massively appreciated

YABU, you making it a big deal will be the thing that affects your daughters relationship with your mum not granny not wanting to engage in play when she is already doing plenty from the sounds of it. You’ve in a very fortunate position and owe your mum an apology.

I thought you must be very young, but I see now that you are 44 so you are very much an older mother! You really need to move out and take care of your own child, and be more respectful and grateful towards your parents.

You'd be screwed without your parents op. What would you do if they suddenly revoked their free childcare services???

YABU, OP - your parents are doing a lot for you and having a child there permanently is exhausting - you're mum, not her!

YABU

She isn't keeping her entertained

Her mother looks after her three days a week and takes her shopping with her (and by the OP, because OP is having her breakfast DM must jump to attention, I can imagine OP expects her DM to entertain her quite a lot).

The OP said she plays with her most of the time, her dad plays with her. It's an expectation of the OP and her kid (now) to always have someone to play with her when she asks.

It's not cool for a kid to be constantly entertained.

The OP owes her mother a massive apology and needs to move out of that house back into her own.

YABU.

Why should she have to play with your kid? She is already doing loads

Sorry gamerchick I wasn't clear. My point was OP isn't keeping her child entertained despite seeming to want everyone else to.

YABU. I don't really like playing games. I did sometimes, like shopping games and would join in a board game some evenings but it's not really my thing. DH was great at it as was my DM. As long as they're getting if from someone.

In your scenario you finish your breakfast and join your DD on the floor with the lego. Your DM does what she wants.

YABU.

Like a previous poster my parents are both deceased, but when my mum was still here she was a fantastic gran. She took my DD to theatres, parks, swimming etc but I don't remember her ever 'playing' with her as such. I don't remember her playing with me as a child either and I certainly don't feel hard done by. Your response stems from your own disappointment and this is what you need to think about. My child is an only and I do think they want and expect adult company more than siblings but your daughter will learn that adults can't entertain her 24/7 and she will be absolutely fine. I think you should probably apologise to your mum & let her know you appreciate all of the things she DOES do for you both. Life is too short to fall out over something so silly.

If you are living in her house and she does what you say she does, then she is doing an awful lot already. She’s your daughter’s granny not her mum.

Your Dad plays with your daughter, so while it would be nice if your mum did too, some people just aren’t into it.

I think you need to apologise, and explain to your daughter that people like doing different things etc.

Nothing much more to add that hasn't already been said, but I would like to say that neither my mum nor dad were alive when my granddaughter was born. She is a beautiful 5 year old now and I would give my left arm for them to see her.
Go and apologise to your mum. We only get one.

@BlueDahlia69

Seems like a mountain over a mole hill OP.

Your Dad is better and playing hand fun and your Mum doesn't enjoy it so much. I don't see why there needs to be an unnecessary issue about it.

I wouldn't fall out over this, they are giving you amazing support and childcare. 🌸

Yes!

You have nothing to complain about, your mother obviously isn't that into playing children's games but she is a good grandmother in other ways, and you have your dad who does like playing.

All things considered, you and your daughter are extremely fortunate. However the sooner you are back in your own home, the better.

@DarcyLewis

I don’t really enjoy playing with kids so I don’t. Why can’t you just explain to your dd that granny doesn’t like playing? She needs to realise that adults aren’t all there to entertain her.

Sounds like your mum does lots for you already.

If the OP is in her 40s then her parents are probably of the generation where parents didn't play with their children to the extent that today's parents do, they provided the stuff and the child got on with it. With our grandchildren my late OH 'played' more than I did, he'd taught little ones so knew them better. I don't think it's worth a massive row just because your mother isn't doing things your way in her own home, you sound very controlling to be honest.

You seem very entitled. I think the sooner you move home, the better for everyone. Hopefully you'll appreciate all they do for you and your DD a bit more then.

Your daughter is old enough now to understand that other people’s preferences are just as important as her own, but you need to help her to get it.

So you need to frame it differently. It’s not bad/upsetting/hurtful. ‘Granny doesn’t really like playing, just like you don’t like x/y/z. That’s ok, because it would be a boring world if everyone liked the same things and luckily Grandad and I do like playing, and you can play without other people too. Granny likes things like taking you for walks or on outings, or cooking/gardening/reading/watching Numberblocks with you, and that’s lucky because I’m not that keen on cooking/gardening/anthropomorphic bricks. So when you want to spend time with Grannt why don’t you think about something you would both like to do? It’s kind to think of the other person too.’

Sounds like your mum is a bit emotionally unavailable. I get it is hurtful as I have the same. Some people really struggle with playing with kids and I do agree that it is sad actually.

I feel sorry for your parents. Two adult children and they are still not free of you both. What on earth possessed you to give up your flat in order to move in with your parents? I'm sure your brother is capable of finding his own place and it really was not your issue to solve. If he'd stayed with your parents for a while to give him time to find somewhere, I'm sure he'd have his own place by now as he'd have been motivated to do so. Now he's living rent free with no motivation to find his own place. And there you are, having your parents look after your dd 3 afternoons per week - do you pay them? Do you pay them rent for living with them? Either way, I'm sure they've had enough of child rearing as would anyone at their stage of life. It's one thing to babysit the odd time, or even help out with childcare. But it's quite another to be lumbered with an adult child and grandchild living with them. It's time to move back into your own flat and let your brother find his own place. Then when your mother sees your dd she might have more energy and enthusiasm to play with her.

@ScabbyHorse

Sounds like your mum is a bit emotionally unavailable. I get it is hurtful as I have the same. Some people really struggle with playing with kids and I do agree that it is sad actually.

No it doesn't. In any way shape or form.