Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

I was born in the late 70s and my mum never played with us other than board games or cards once in a blue moon. I honestly rarely play unstructured games with my kids (pre-teens now) either I read to them, bake with them (nightmare), take them shopping, lay out craft supplies, watch movies with them, decorate for holiday with them ... I have literally never played dolls or Lego or video games with them. That's their domain. I don't feel guilty.

I have to agree with math here but the OP has supposedly flounced. Nana's probably doing her dinger between the pair of you (you and your brother) and her husband enabling both of you and getting the stick for being 'resentful'. Bet she's the one doing all the donkey work but she's the bad 'un for calling back her son from a bloody shopping trip on his contact when he's supposed to be parenting his kid.

I can't count the number of times I've seen this already among friends who are young-ish grandparents I know and friends of my mother's, used for money and childcare and then called out when they don't provide services to specification.

I wouldn't dream of speaking to my mother like this, and I live in her house for 2 months of the year, or my mother-in-law and I don't care how wealthy they are; my mother is a well-off widow now. My father would have had my hide for speaking to his wife like that and didn't I know it, which is why I'd never have dared.

They've always done the fun nana stuff with them and do so now, emergencies excepted, of course.

Another one who thinks YABU. It sounds as though your parents are doing their fair share of supporting you. If people choose to have children then ultimately they are responsible for those children. Yes, it's lovely to have help, but it should never be expected and taken for granted. Your DM has already raised her own children so she should now be able to live her life the way she wants. Yes, your DD was probably disappointed that granny didn't want to play with her, but children need to know that the world doesn't revolve around them and their wants. As a pp said, playing with children is a fairly recent trend. I went out and about with my DM, but don't remember her actually playing with me.

Your are being really unfair to your poor mum ,give her a hug and say sorry

I can’t believe you rowed over this when they’re supporting you so much. You really need to apologise - take dd with you to get some flowers and role model how to apologise when you’re wrong. Because otherwise your DD will lose respect for your mum.

@Heidi3333

Maybe I seem entitled but my parents were always fully supportive of my plans.

My dd is still at nursery. They watch her from 4-8pm 3 days a week. (12 hours). I have her all the time I have annual leave.

I have friends whose parents provide waaaay more child care and are happy to do it. Maybe that's why I get annoyed. Some of my friends go on holiday for 2 weeks and leave their children with the grandma parents. I'd never do that!

I don't think it's unreasonable for my mum to occasionally play with her granddaughter when's she's asked - not by me, but by my daughter. If she refused sometimes I'd understand but she nearly ALWAYS refuses. I don't think that's a nice way to treat yiur grandchild and I hope I make a bit more effort with any future grandchildren.

Anyway, thanks for the replies but I'm signing out now. You have all given me something to think about.

With all due respect most 44 year olds have much older children. I imagine not much playing is needed and your friends’ grandparents may have been younger during that phase? I’m 40 and All my friends have kids who are 10-24!

Mum only ever plays with my 2 yo nephew and that’s only because otherwise he follows her into the kitchen and insists on ‘helping’ with the chores by trying to climb into the washing machine or cupboards. The other kids get to roam wild until my dad or sibling intervenes and then will get a bit of playtime.

My mum never sat down and played with us let alone her grandkids. She'll play board games on tables

Omg, your poor mother.. I'd say she's going quietly bonkers with you all under her feet in your forties.

She downsized and she still has the lot of you hanging off her lip. Take the hint!

Of course she doesn't want to play with your dd. She sees her enough already.

Adults shouldn't force themselves to play games with children.

That's not fun for the child nor for the adult. Children's games are for children. Your mother has a right to do not to play children's games that she has no interest in! it's not sad. I don't want to play with children because I don't enjoy it but I will spend as much time as they want cuddling/walking around/talking/reading/wondering around in nature. Your mother only has a short life like the rest of us - let her spend it how she likes!

also it's good for your child to learn how to play alone.

I genuinely cannot remember my Mum playing with us when we were children and TBH I avoided playing with my children...hence the reason we were out and about every day !

I think you need to take a closer a look -- you are living with your mum and dad who are giving your child care whilst you are at work/before you get home. Playing lego first thing in the morning is not something I would do either and I love my grand-daughter to bits. I think some respect is required here. Just my opinion but you put the post up.

One more thought Heidi - you chose to have your daughter without a father around so, considering all that your mum is doing for you, you should be extremely grateful. You don't mention how old your parents are? We just don't always have the get up and go!!!. Get some flowers and make up ... otherwise, you could always pay for a childminder??

Your mum is an adult....if she doesn't want to play she doesn't have to. It's not her responsibility.

@LaceyBetty

I was born in the late 70s and my mum never played with us other than board games or cards once in a blue moon. I honestly rarely play unstructured games with my kids (pre-teens now) either I read to them, bake with them (nightmare), take them shopping, lay out craft supplies, watch movies with them, decorate for holiday with them ... I have literally never played dolls or Lego or video games with them. That's their domain. I don't feel guilty.

Same with me. So tedious and all the other stuff I needed to do.

OP - I and many others have said you are being a little unreasonable but dont beat yourself up!

We are ALL unreasonable sometimes! And you were brave enough to come here for the reckoning you probably expected, which is kind of admirable. And we are all socialised in a society where we take women's unpaid care labour for granted (especially our mums for most people!).

You might feel better to do something nice for your parents to say thank you.