Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

391 replies

Heidi3333 · 18/04/2021 13:26

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/04/2021 14:29

@Butwasitherdriveway

Sorry gamerchick I wasn't clear. My point was OP isn't keeping her child entertained despite seeming to want everyone else to.
Cool beans Grin
Butwasitherdriveway · 18/04/2021 14:29

@Notaroadrunner

I feel sorry for your parents. Two adult children and they are still not free of you both. What on earth possessed you to give up your flat in order to move in with your parents? I'm sure your brother is capable of finding his own place and it really was not your issue to solve. If he'd stayed with your parents for a while to give him time to find somewhere, I'm sure he'd have his own place by now as he'd have been motivated to do so. Now he's living rent free with no motivation to find his own place. And there you are, having your parents look after your dd 3 afternoons per week - do you pay them? Do you pay them rent for living with them? Either way, I'm sure they've had enough of child rearing as would anyone at their stage of life. It's one thing to babysit the odd time, or even help out with childcare. But it's quite another to be lumbered with an adult child and grandchild living with them. It's time to move back into your own flat and let your brother find his own place. Then when your mother sees your dd she might have more energy and enthusiasm to play with her.
I asked OP this but she managed to only say that she pays council tax and mortgage on her own, leading me to believe both are freeloading.
woodhill · 18/04/2021 14:30

@Heidi3333

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable. I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around. I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him. My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it. This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

Why should she have to OP? You live there, she helps you out with childcare.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Families General parenting
LeonoraFlorence · 18/04/2021 14:31

Sounds similar to my own mum. She will buy things for DDs, cook for them happily, take them to the shops, short dog walks and will occasionally do jigsaws/colouring type things but never actually play. My dad would play all day with them though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2021 14:32

Sounds like your mum is a bit emotionally unavailable.

No it doesn’t.

Butwasitherdriveway · 18/04/2021 14:33

I wish my mam was as emotionally unavailable as to let me live rent free, look after my kid half the week during the day and in the mornings and evenings and do everything for me and my adult sibling

woodhill · 18/04/2021 14:33

So boring playing with dc, I didn't do it with my own particularly either. Did crafts and took them out, they are capable of amusing themselves

DottyFlossie · 18/04/2021 14:34

YABU. It sounds like your DM is doing enough. From what you mentioned, she is doing a lot more than other grandparents do.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 18/04/2021 14:34

shockingly unreasonable. you seem to have a rose tinted view of what she should do. lego is boring.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 18/04/2021 14:34

YABVVVVU. I don't even like playing with my kid, and she's mine! I wouldn't expect someone else to want to , or worse not want to but do it anyways because I forced them into it.

Why didn't you leave your breakfast to play with your kid instead?

You need to learn that no matter how much you love your daughter, how special and precious you think she is , other people won't feel the same. And suck it up.

Your mum is spending time with your DD, she loves her,cares for her and includes her. Just because it's not in the way you want, doesn't mean she's wrong.

Notquitesureaboutthis · 18/04/2021 14:34

YANBU to feel a little disappointed for your DD but YABVU to make an issue out of it with your mum.

Instead of arguing with your mum about the Lego perhaps you could have played with your daughter instead.

ForensicFlossy · 18/04/2021 14:34

You owe your mum a huge apology.

MarshmallowPink · 18/04/2021 14:34

I love my children dearly but I hate play. Maybe your mum prefers other things like walking, shopping and reading with your daughter. That's valuable time too.

DonLewis · 18/04/2021 14:36

Honestly? I think you're taking the piss.

If you didn't live together, your mum wouldn't be being asked all of the time to play with your DD. She might be more inclined to play with her if she didn't live with her.as for wanting to dick about on FB instead of playing with her, again, this is because you live with her and you know that's what she's doing instead. If you didn't live there you'd have no idea how she spent her time.

I think you owe your mum an apology. She had graciously let you stay with her, she helps out a lot with your DD, and she doesn't do playing. Fair enough!

If I was your mum, I think I'd tell you to do one!

AbsolutelyPatsy · 18/04/2021 14:36

some play is ok but some play is not, and lego is not ok, imo
your dd can play with the lego on her own

UserTwice · 18/04/2021 14:36

Maybe it hurts your daughter's feelings that you would rather eat breakfast than play with her?
Or maybe she actually understands that people can't play with her 24/7.

IDontWantToAdultToday · 18/04/2021 14:37

@Heidi3333

Actually I still pay for my mortgage and council tax on my flat. All my brother pays are the bills on my flat. I feel for my daughter that her granny doesn't want to play with her. It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her. THATs why I reacted the way I did. It's not that I EXPECT her to play with her!!
If this is what your upset about then you need to explain to your daughter that she doesnt need to be upset as Granny still loves her but doesnt enjoy playing. You shouldn't be trying to make your mother feel bad about it.
butterpuffed · 18/04/2021 14:37

She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore

She's quite right, 3 days a week is plenty at her age [guess she's in her sixties] and you're not having to pay nursery fees either. I don't think you realise how lucky you are.

Jumpalicious · 18/04/2021 14:37

Playing with kids is BORING, even your own darling kids...

BlueDahlia69 · 18/04/2021 14:37

Why aren't you playing with your Daughter ?

Butwasitherdriveway · 18/04/2021 14:38

@UserTwice

Maybe it hurts your daughter's feelings that you would rather eat breakfast than play with her? Or maybe she actually understands that people can't play with her 24/7.
Quite. OP can have breakfast while expecting her mother to entertain her child, and the mother's in the wrong.
Singlenotsingle · 18/04/2021 14:38

Playing with children isn't fun, or enjoyable, especially as she's already brought her own children up. You are so lucky to have a mother who is prepared to get involved and help out. Just count your blessings.

Butwasitherdriveway · 18/04/2021 14:38

@BlueDahlia69

Why aren't you playing with your Daughter ?
She was having her breakfast 😁
JustSleepAlready · 18/04/2021 14:40

@Heidi3333
Your mum already raised her kids. The fact that you live with them currently means that she probably is having much more input than most grandparents. She shouldn’t be made to feel bad for wanting to enjoy her own time. If you’re that fussed about it maybe say, no gran has things to do, why don’t you and I play instead?? It’s much different that you are living there, despite the fact that you will be the ‘main caret’ when you are not at work.

Crustybreadandbutter · 18/04/2021 14:40

Yabu you don’t need to play to be a good grandparent, she is doing plenty

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.