Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

wouldn't it be funny if a thread now appears over on GN about an impossibly entitled daughter who has moved in with her elderly parents and shouts at her mother for daring to decline engaging in child's play, literally.
i'm going over now to have a look.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

YABVVVVU.

Playing an unstructured game with small children is hard work that allows you no mental space whatsoever. It can leave you drained.

I notice you mentioned that your dad plays board games and card games. That is to say - structured games where the adult gets to have a thought of their own in their head, and not play whatever part in a pretend game the child wants to play.

Do you have any inkling why your dad might prefer a structured game, where he teaches the rules, gets to have his own thoughts, and best of all, the game ends when someone wins?

Taking a small child shopping and dog walking is also hard work. It is hard to concentrate on your list and steer the trolley around the supermarket looking for your groceries while also watching a child and answering questions/engaging in conversation. And dog walking with a small child is also hard work. I don't know if you do it much, but you would understand the challenges if you did.

Please don't ask your mum to try other activities if she doesn't want to play. Baking/ gardening/ cleaning with a small child can be maddening. Do all of that with her yourself. Clean up after yourself.

I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.
This isn't really very good for your child at age 5.

She needs to get out and play with others or she will have trouble dealing with her peers in an unstructured way.

She also needs to learn to entertain herself. At five, you can start playing with her less and do more managing an activity by herself - imaginative play with toys, building something, painting or colouring, all without adult input.

Above all, my advice to you is to get your brother out of your flat and move back in there yourself. You need to establish clear boundaries between your parents and yourself and your DD. Your parents seem very well able to set boundaries but you are having a hard time getting the message. Your daughter is yours to entertain and take care of, not theirs.

I agree with a PP that you sound worse and worse with every new post. You don't want to work full time because you don't want to burden your parents with more childcare? Good God! Work full time to support yourself and your child, and pay for childcare. You're living rent-free and expecting your parents to provide "only" (!) 12 hours of childcare per week, but that isn't enough for you. Now Granny has to be thrilled to play Lego on demand as well.

And instead of explaining to your child that sometimes she needs to play by herself (framing it as a positive thing, that she is getting older and more independent, etc.), you have somehow made your mum out to be the bad guy. Seriously, have a word with yourself.

I feel sorry for your parents.

I would suggest you make your peace with your mum's attitude to children - let her know you see it differently, give her a chance to state what she thinks and then move on. If your mum has been like this with her other grandchildren then I think it unlikely she's going to change. Sometimes when you become a parent it can remind you of aspects of your own childhood you would have liked to be different. Try not to conflate the two - your mum did her parenting in the best way she saw fit; you will do it your way and you may still have a daughter who at some point, tells you she wishes you would have done this and that differently; more; less or not at all. Try not to get your daughter to see your mum through your eyes, she may well be happy that she has people who will play and may love her grandma enough to overlook her lego shortcomings.

4-8pm is the hardest time of day to look after a 5 year old. It's basically sorting their evening meal and putting them to bed when the child is generally tired and whiny. Your parents do this 3 times a week i.e. they spend more time with your DD those days than you do. I hope you are more appreciative in real life than you seem to be on this thread.

Please don't have a second child, unless you are prepared to look after them without your parents' help. Your parents sounds fantastic, but they are getting older, and I suspect looking after 2 children three evenings a week will be too much for them.

yes, i wondered if there was some projection going on.
it was certainly not the norm for parents to play with children when i was young.
maybe a round of putting on a sunday afternoon v occasionally, and that would be only dad, while mum put her feet up for a change, or more likely had to wash up/tidy away from sunday lunch etc.
your whole set up sounds cock-eyed OP.
reclaim your flat. what incentive does your brother have to find his own place if he doesn't have to.
and the other brother should ship out too.
or is he a demon down on the lego floor.

I think your mum sounds like she's got things sorted. She agrees to do what she is happy to do, and sets boundaries when people try to take advantage.

More power to her!

And the childcare that she has agreed to do clearly doesn't include playing first thing in the morning.

To be abrupt about this OP. if you have a child be prepared to be the parent. You can't delegate to your parents. It's your child, not theirs. I do get irked when families assume that elder or retired parents want to provide free childcare for years, to suit you. Grow up.

My OH never really played with the DCs, he does not with the grand kids, I am the one playing board games, building lego, playing marbles, some people just do not know how to play. I know DH did not have a great childhood, so it is just not in his nature. He is a great dad grandpa though in other ways.

@Heidi3333

Actually I still pay for my mortgage and council tax on my flat. All my brother pays are the bills on my flat. I feel for my daughter that her granny doesn't want to play with her. It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her. THATs why I reacted the way I did. It's not that I EXPECT her to play with her!!

Well a little part of me dies inside when I play with my OWN children but I most assuredly can be bothered with them. I care for them in every way, read to them, bring them to the playground, teach them things, listen and talk to them... playing is a pretty small part of being a loving person in a childs life. I'm with your mum

@middleeasternpromise

I would suggest you make your peace with your mum's attitude to children - let her know you see it differently, give her a chance to state what she thinks and then move on. If your mum has been like this with her other grandchildren then I think it unlikely she's going to change. Sometimes when you become a parent it can remind you of aspects of your own childhood you would have liked to be different. Try not to conflate the two - your mum did her parenting in the best way she saw fit; you will do it your way and you may still have a daughter who at some point, tells you she wishes you would have done this and that differently; more; less or not at all. Try not to get your daughter to see your mum through your eyes, she may well be happy that she has people who will play and may love her grandma enough to overlook her lego shortcomings.

OP thinks she's doing her parents a favour by not working full time, otherwise they'd HAVE TO look after her daughter even more.

Her mum can't be that bad.

[quote Walkaround]@Heidi3333 - sorry, but it’s just ridiculous to project feelings like that onto your dd. I don’t remember my grandmother ever “playing” with me. She took me for walks, taught me how to sew clothes and cook, but never “played” with me. A child doesn’t actually need 100% of the relatives they ask to “play” with them to know they are loved. Clearly your dm does spend time with your dd and involves her in activities, just not ones you count as play. It doesn’t mean she resents every minute she spends with your dd and doesn’t love her, just because she finds playing with lego phenomenally dull and knows somebody else will be more willing to do that.[/quote]
My maternal gran was like that a lot o the time - my paternal gran did play with me but she also took me on walks etc. My mum was definitely the kind of parent who'd be more into painting, baking and so on. I was very into imaginative play as a kid, my brother and I used to play games with our toys all the time or I'd read, so admittedly my experience is very different to OP's.

Granny sounds like she's doing enough as is. Just because she doesn't play with Lego doesn't mean she doesn't care. I was bored shitless with Lego as a kid myself.

The op said she has made it up with her mum now.

I have friends whose parents provide waaaay more child care and are happy to do it. Maybe that's why I get annoyed. Some of my friends go on holiday for 2 weeks and leave their children with the grandma parents. I'd never do that!

Are you twelve by any chance?

OPs mum sounds saint-like. Where was it ever written that children are anyone else's responsibility. Parenting is done by parents, and how they divide the load is down to the parents. Or parent, as the OP doesn't mention a partner.

@Heidi3333 could it be that your mum just doesn't really enjoy playing with her? My mum has told me she struggled when the kids were small to play with them but loved reading to them and also doing arts and crafts. Perhaps you mum is just best suited to the kind of interaction she already has, walks, shopping etc.

My mid-teen daughter has friends who provide that level of childcare for younger siblings whilst their parents have to go to work and cannot afford to pay out more for childcare. And you, at 45, are crowing about your mother not entertaining your child the way you see fit so you can have breakfast.

Slightly off topic (and I haven’t read the whole thread - too long) , but how is a 5 year old still at nursery?

You need to sit your brother down and set a schedule for him to find a place of his own and move out of your home.

You all need to take the very strong and very reasonable hint your mother is giving you about childcare and where she will draw the line.

You need to stop asking and/or accepting your father's money toward further attempts to get pg, if you are still trying.

You and your brother both need to sit down with counselors and try to get to the point where you identify as adults and start behaving as adults.

@Blabla81

Slightly off topic (and I haven’t read the whole thread - too long) , but how is a 5 year old still at nursery?

OP is maybe in Scotland (or outside the UK) where children start school later than in England.

@Blabla81

Slightly off topic (and I haven’t read the whole thread - too long) , but how is a 5 year old still at nursery?

The age depends on which thread you read. The OPs age depends on which thread you read, and you'd think she knows her own age. Although I could believe she didn't know her daughters.

I hate to say this because you might find it hurtful, but basically my opinion is that you're already getting a lot from your Mum as she's been willing to share her home with an adult daughter and a grandchild - it's not easy to have grown children drop back into what has become one's new routine. She did her bit as far as child rearing was concerned when she brought up you and your brother - it's unreasonable of you to expect her to do it all over again with the daughter that YOU deliberately chose to have. Yes, it'd be nice if she enjoyed playing with her grandchild. She doesn't. That's your job.

@Maggiesfarm

The op said she has made it up with her mum now.

No she says she's (non-) apologised. She still has zero grasp of the issues.

I think this is 100% YABU but OP doesnt think so

@Fleahopper

I think actively playing with children is quite a recent trend. My mum's generation certainly didn't have time, and I didn't play with my children all that much. What they/we did do though, was spend time with them. Make believe play was between friends and sometimes siblings.

This was me. I'm 36, so a bit younger than OP, but my mum was born in the fifties. I think most make believe play was with my brother or my toys.