Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

I am on your Mum's side. I don't enjoy playing either. I don't remember adults playing with me when I was a child, and I don't feel I missed out. If your Dad and you play with her a lot, it's reasonable to expect your daughter to play alone for a while.

@whydoineedanickname

It sounds like your mum does quite a lot with her already to be honest.

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Oh you’re definitely in the wrong here OP, and you should apologise to your mum.

Do you think there’s a bit of regression to childhood happening here? I get on really well with my parents but living with them again would drive me up the wall.

YABU. Apologise to your mother.

She was having her breakfast

interesting 🤔🤣

You are so BU.
Your Mum did her share of playing with her own children - you and your brother. She is being a lovely supportive grandmother in other ways and your Dad sounds great when it comes to playing with your daughter. As others have said, playing with a 5 year old is not everyone's delight and privilege, no matter how much they love them.
It's important that your DC understands that adults are not always there to play with her. Please don't fall out over this.

People enjoy different ways of interacting with children, and your dd doesn't set the agenda. She lives with 3 adults- that's a lot of adult attention.

Your mum would have come into her own with your dd in other ways that feel comfortable to her. Maybe looking at wildflowers when they walk, or chatting, or cooking together. She doesn't have to do 'pointless play' activities.

What you're doing is the equivalent of insisting your DD watch antiques roadshow with granny, because granny wants her to. Successful relationships are built on finding mutual interests, not forcing people to spend time together.

You sound selfish and self centred.The World doesn’t revolve round you and your daughter.

YABU. It sounds as though you are oddly micromanaging the way in which your mother interacts with your daughter. And I agree with previous posters that your mother and father sound as though they already do lots for you and your daughter.

Surely the whole point of being a grandparent is that you get to cherry-pick the good bits of parenting and leave the boring stuff to the actual parents?

You chose to have her op.

You're lucky she picks her up 3 times a week, that's really kind of her. Plus your dad sounds lovely.

You need to understand we cant mould our parents into the perfect grandparents!

You made a deliberate choice to be a single parent. It's not your mum's job to amuse your daughter. She's done her share of the Lego years. You owe her an apology.

YABU. Your mother doesn’t want to play with your daughter. It would be great if she did, but she doesn’t. That’s all there is to it.

YABU. Your mum doesn't have to play with your child. Nor does she have to collect her from nursery, take her for walks and shopping or buy her toys. You sound demanding.

Tell your DD that a granny is a grownup and lots of grownups don't like playing. If she wants to play she should ask you.
Then apologise to your mum for being so unreasonable and ungrateful for everything else she does for you.

@katy1213

You made a deliberate choice to be a single parent. It's not your mum's job to amuse your daughter. She's done her share of the Lego years. You owe her an apology.

Harsh but true.

OP you are so lucky just to have your parents doing what they do, thousands of women do not have that support. be grateful for what your mum does do.

Your mum sounds like she's being fab and giving you an awful lot at the moment, I'd bite your tongue and give her some slack - if the only thing she's doing wrong is not wanting to play she sounds brill.

I don't like active playing with kids, like Lego etc, I did it with mine because there was no one else but I'm not doing it with other people's kids, it bores me to tears. I'll chat, walk, bake, colour, paint, dance, watch them play with toys, push on swings etc all day with the grandkids if I get some but I'm not doing the nightmare that is Lego/'paralell' play with toys type thing.

Teach your daughter to play with her lego herself. It's very important for her to learn that.

Wonder how you'll get on when you're back in a place of your own. Will you still expect your retired parents to run around doing all the childcare for you while complaining that they don't do enough?.

YABU. Your mother has a loving way of interacting with her granddaughter. She takes her for dog walks, takes her shopping, buys her toys, collects her from nursery and shares her home with her. You can't dictate how she lovingly interacts on top of this. Of course you'd love it if she played with your daughter. But not all adults feel comfortable doing this. It doesn't come easily to them.

You could tell your daughter that granny is a grown up and not all grown ups like playing. Granny likes spending time her doing other things. Don't make your daughter feel a caring adult must conform to her demands otherwise their affection is called into question. That's just not healthy.

As someone whose parents maybe babysat my DC 5 times in their entire life, despite living nearby, I read posts by people like you and think you are deeply unappreciative of what you have. I'm no longer close to my parents mainly due to their indifference. You actually choose to live with yours. Make the effort to get on with them and thank your lucky stars for all the free help they give you. Your life would be so much harder if you lived alone with your daughter and relied on childminders.

How old is your Mum. The chances are that she is completely knackered and does a lot to help ...more than most grandparents.

It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her.

The child lives in her granny's house, is minded by her 3 at least days a week, is taken shopping and on the dog walks and gets things bought for her by the granny. Can't really see how her granny can't be bothered with her. Wow.

OMG - I don't know what to believe now....

According to the OP she is a nurse (lacking empathy I guess), her parents are in their 70's and she's planning to adopt another child.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/4169840-do-you-always-need-an-extra-room-to-adopt

I know the parents sold up their farm and moved, but I seriously think they need to consider selling up, moving, and leaving no forwarding address. According to the OP she can't manage looking after her own child and now she wants her parents to look after another one?????

You need to apologise to your mum. She looks after your daughter, takes her out and houses her. Your mum should not be taken advantage of because you live there. She does more than her fair share.

Why couldn’t you play with your daughter if she wanted someone to play with?

YABU OP. Your mum does an awful lot with your daughter and you are really very lucky for her and your dad to be so involved and supportive, it is not your mum’s responsibility to care for and entertain your daughter. Why didn’t you step in and play Lego with her?

Yabu. She does plenty and more than many gps. If she goes to nursery she'll be playing there, plus I'm sure you play with her lots given the importance you attach to it. Her grandfather plays with her. Plus I'm sure on your days off you arrange to meet with playmates. Plus playing on her own. She must be playing lots.