Just had a huge fight with my mum. Was I in the wrong?

[Heidi3333]

Just had a huge fight with my mum and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.
I’m 44 and a single parent to a 5 year old daughter. I m temporarily living with my mum and dad at the moment as my brother is renting my flat. My daughter was donor conceived so there is no father around.
I work part time 3 days a week and my parents pick up my daughter from nursery and watch her for a few hours until I get back home. They rarely watch her at other times. It is my mainly my Dad that watches her tbh as he is the one that collects her and she interacts more with him.
My mum is a good granny in that she buys her toys and will take my daughter when they go shopping and takes her along when she walks the dogs but she refuses to play with her. I think I’ve seen my mum play with her maybe once in 5 years. She’s always “busy” or has some other excuse. My Dad plays with her quite a lot though eg board games, cards etc. My daughter says she asks her granny to play but she always says no 🙁 This was bought up in conversation last night and my mum denied it.
This morning I was having my breakfast and my daughter asked my mum to play Lego with her. She reluctantly agreed but about 2 minutes later said she had things to do and was busy and got up and went on to the computer to look at Facebook! I was really annoyed at this and had a go at her and it ended in a huge fight and now we aren’t talking. She said she does her fair share of babysitting and shouldn’t have to do anymore. I think it’s quite heartbreaking that she doesn’t want to play with her grandchild at all. I try and make sure I play with her most of the time.

Am I being unreasonable to expect her to put in a bit of effort when asked my by daughter? I don’t expect every time but like I said she refuses 99 % of the time and find it quite upsetting.

Right now neither of us are backing down.

Very unreasonable and ungrateful.

Actually I still pay for my mortgage and council tax on my flat. All my brother pays are the bills on my flat.
I feel for my daughter that her granny doesn't want to play with her. It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her. THATs why I reacted the way I did. It's not that I EXPECT her to play with her!!

But has your daughter actually been upset that granny doesn't play with her?

@Heidi3333

My parents sold their farm and the beginning for the year and my brother lived with them and couldn't find anywhere to buy for himself. He didn't want to move in with my parents so I asked if I would move in with them instead and he could rent out my flat. I'm only staying with my parents until he finds somewhere else to buy.

You've ignored the valid points other posters are making.

YABU, it isn't fun playing with a 5 year old, your mum shouldn't feel obligated to have to play with her all the time in her own house. Your dad sounds happier to do it so sounds like it's a win win for them both. They're giving you child care 3 days week so you can work and letting you live with them. I really think you should be the one to apologise and thank her for what she already does for you

@Heidi3333

Actually I still pay for my mortgage and council tax on my flat. All my brother pays are the bills on my flat. I feel for my daughter that her granny doesn't want to play with her. It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her. THATs why I reacted the way I did. It's not that I EXPECT her to play with her!!

Right but you don't pay rent to your mother do you?

You do expect her to play with her. You're annoyed because she doesn't.

I doubt that she thinks granny doesn't bother with her given that she looks after her three days a week, houses her, provides for her, and spends time with her

Your OP reads that she wanted to play, you were having breakfast, granny didn't and granny is frustrated (rightly so) becuase you've gone off about it.

This isn't about little ones feelings. It's about you expecting your mother to do everything.

The housing situation is very weird. You moved you and your dd out of your own home so your brother could live there? He's an adult if he doesn't want to live with your parents then that's his problem.

Your parents are housing you and your dd, you are getting free childcare and your mum buys things for your dd and takes her out for walks and things.

I would be fuming if I was your dm being treated like that in her own home.
YABVU!

Either way op.. Your mum does enough.
She provides childcare
She let's you live with her
Your daughter lives with her

What more can you ask for, I think you need a reality check. Both my parents are deceased and I would absolutely love to have what you have.

V ungrateful.

I can't believe you're 44 and MN has to tell you that you're in the wrong on this one

@RightOnTheEdge

The housing situation is very weird. You moved you and your dd out of your own home so your brother could live there? He's an adult if he doesn't want to live with your parents then that's his problem.

Your parents are housing you and your dd, you are getting free childcare and your mum buys things for your dd and takes her out for walks and things.

I would be fuming if I was your dm being treated like that in her own home.
YABVU!

Of course she did!

The brother wanted the flat (why he didn't get another flat I don't know) so OP moved out.

Now I wonder why she moved in with her parents and not out by herself 🤔

Maybe your brother should move into his mum's house and you and your daughter go back to your flat and access after school club as you sound ungrateful for the help your parents give you.

Both your parents sound very involved and like great parents and grandparents.

Perhaps your DM just isn't a very playful person, I would handle that with gentle understanding - perhaps also remind your DD of all the things her granny does do for her so she isn't in doubt of how loved she is or made to feel she isn't important.

I think you've all overreacted here, maybe you're all just a bit sick and tired of living with each other at the moment!

It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her.

^

It must hurt granny's feelings that her daughter is so ungrateful

If you're 44 I'm assuming your mother is at least 60.

Do you think it's fair that she does so much for your daughter and you live off her and then she gets a row for not wanting to play with her and do her own thing on s morning? Why does you having your breakfast trump her wanting a relax and a look through Facebook?

@Heidi3333

My parents sold their farm and the beginning for the year and my brother lived with them and couldn't find anywhere to buy for himself. He didn't want to move in with my parents so I asked if I would move in with them instead and he could rent out my flat. I'm only staying with my parents until he finds somewhere else to buy.

That makes NO sense unless YOU wanted to save money. He could have rented another place.

Sorry but you're being UR. There are many ways of showing a child love and attention other than plying with them. I don't like playing and rarely play with my own children. I do talk to them, take them out and about lots and have general fun but I just don't sit in the floor and play Lego etc... my ds knows this and is great at entertaining himself which I think is a great skill to have. Sounds like your mum demonstrates her love and attention in other ways, I don't think it's fair to make her feel bad for not playing with your child. It might be how you and your dad express your love and attention but it doesn't mean it's for everyone. It's good for your daughter to entertain herself too. I think you should say sorry...

@Heidi3333

Actually I still pay for my mortgage and council tax on my flat. All my brother pays are the bills on my flat. I feel for my daughter that her granny doesn't want to play with her. It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her. THATs why I reacted the way I did. It's not that I EXPECT her to play with her!!

If your daughter has said that she's upset by it then it's your responsibility to manage her expectations and explain to her that not all adults want to play all the time, it doesn't mean that her gran loves her any less or doesn't want to spend time with her, she just doesn't like playing games, which is absolutely her choice.

OP, you sound adamant to not accept that you were at fault despite majority of the replies saying you are being extremely U! Why post asking when you don't accept that you are?

Yes you were in the wrong. Your mum does a lot for you and your dc. I'd love all that childcare help! Playing with a 5 year old can be pretty boring. I think you should apologise.

@Heidi3333

Actually I still pay for my mortgage and council tax on my flat. All my brother pays are the bills on my flat. I feel for my daughter that her granny doesn't want to play with her. It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her. THATs why I reacted the way I did. It's not that I EXPECT her to play with her!!

Use it as an opportunity to teach your daughter resilience and, again, that different people enjoy different things, and that they display affection and care in different ways.

Just because her grandmother doesn't enjoy 'playing', does not mean she does not love her or want to spend time with her (as evidenced by the other things your mother does). You should be using this as an opportunity to reinforce the positive (e.g. I know granny isn't that fond of playing with lego, but she loves it when you help her walk the dog) rather than concentrate on what you perceive to be negative. After all, I'm sure your child has faced similar situations at nursery e.g. a child not wanting to play the same game / sit at the same table etc.

If granny really 'couldn't be bothered' with her, as you say, then she wouldn't be buying her toys, taking her shopping or for walks, giving up time with her husband so he can play with your child, or sharing a house with her adult child and grandchild.

Has this brought something up from your childhood, do you think? Are you projecting your own feelings onto your daughter because your mother didn't play with you as a child?

I'm not trying to be obtuse - I think situations like this with our own parents is almost always about our own childhoods, rather than our children.

I do think YABU but there might be other stuff going on here.

YABVU and incredibly rude to your mother OP.

Yep, you are being very unreasonable.

Your mum can make up excuses or say no as many times as she likes. She is your child, not hers.

@Heidi3333

Actually I still pay for my mortgage and council tax on my flat. All my brother pays are the bills on my flat. I feel for my daughter that her granny doesn't want to play with her. It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her. THATs why I reacted the way I did. It's not that I EXPECT her to play with her!!

Cross posted with you.

Now you're changing your story. Your brother is not 'renting' your flat if he's not paying you.

You are getting a lot of free childcare.

Your parents are getting a lot of extra work & probably expense....then getting shouted at for not playing?!?!

Let me see...who exactly is getting the crappiest deal deal

Stop teaching your daughter that 'being played with' constantly is the norm. She needs to find ways to amuse herself.

@Heidi3333

Actually I still pay for my mortgage and council tax on my flat. All my brother pays are the bills on my flat. I feel for my daughter that her granny doesn't want to play with her. It must hurt her feelings and think that her granny can't be bothered with her. THATs why I reacted the way I did. It's not that I EXPECT her to play with her!!

Jesus H Christ, you really are a piece of work, aren't you? Every single post has told you that you are being utterly unreasonable, and you still don't get it? You absolutely did EXPECT your mum to play with her. Your entire first post was about that! You DO expect it, and now you say your daughter expects it too! You are in your 40's not 2. Grow up. And move out.

Personally I think you're doing your kid a disservice by keeping her entertained all of the time. You'll reap the rewards of that when she's older and can't spend any time alone.

Playing with kids is boring, everyone does things their own way. I'd laugh if someone had a go at me because I didn't want to play ruddy Lego with their kid.

You are being very unreasonable. You’ve been very rude to your mum.