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Original poster

DD used homophibic language in school.

198 replies

Dilraj68 · 16/03/2021 16:43

Last Friday I was called into her school as DD had said the word 'faggot' to a couple of Year 10 boys when they fat shamed her. The school have decided to put her in isolation and detentions during lunch. They've also decided to send her to workshops in order to control her impulsivity and control what she says. Yesterday, Monday her school carried out Covid tests and today was the first day back to school after the lockdown. DD agreed to watch what she says, to report the bullies and not to retaliate. Todat, the child who fat shamed her was called 'gay' by DD.

Every day since that meeting on Friday I've sat her down and explained the consequences of her bad behaviour and why homophobic language is never acceptable. She agreed to start on a clean slate and today being the day she'd see her friends again.

Every day whilst at work, I'm on tenterhooks hoping that she's had an ok day but today just killed me. Another email and phone call from her head of year telling me about her homophobic language. I just don't know what to do anymore, she just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Please can someone advise. I just wanna cry.

I apologise for her bad language.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 16/03/2021 16:48

I think the boys fat shaming your daughter is just as bad as her calling them 'faggots'. She was pushed into a corner and retaliated.

As for calling them 'gay', when my son was at school everyone called each other 'gay' and I remember one friend saying he thought his mum's new car was a bit 'gay'.

She won't do it again but honestly I feel her punishment from school is OTT.

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 16/03/2021 16:49

You're right she shouldn't be doing it but are the boys being consequenced as well? Otherwise you can see why she is continuing to retaliate. No one should be discrimated/called names in school and all are as bad as each other. However she may change her attitude if she can see why its so derogatory and feel vindicated if the boys are sanctioned too.

KingsRoad · 16/03/2021 16:53

She needs to find a more socially acceptable retort if she feels like they are having a go at her because this is not working out for her.

I don't really know what fat shaming actually means? Trying to make someone ashamed of being fat? Why is it not just called 'calling her fat'? How is the school dealing with this would be my question to them.

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/03/2021 17:15

If I were you I would be sitting down with the head and raising hell about why they’re allowing my daughter to be bullied AND victim blaming her. Sounds like they want to make her the problem so they don’t need to handle the real issue - the bullying.

joystir59 · 16/03/2021 17:18

She is committing a criminal offence. If my child was subjected to homophobic abuse I'd give the perpetrator one chance to take back the abuse and apologise, then I'd be going to the police to report a hate crime. I'm a lesbian and wouldn't tolerant this abuse.

Littlefiendsusan · 16/03/2021 17:18

After reading your post OP, my thoughts were the same as Grumpy's.

joystir59 · 16/03/2021 17:19

'gay' should not be tolerated as a derogatory term.in school. Ever.

joystir59 · 16/03/2021 17:20

Calling her fat is also bullying (even if she is fat) and should be dealt with appropriately by the school.

Lostinacloud · 16/03/2021 17:27

Whilst of course nobody can condone the use of derogatory language, I question whether she feels her repeated use of such words is hitting some kind of nerve amongst the boys being equally as derogatory to her. If that were the case then, despite receiving punishment and advice to encourage her stop and even in spite of the fact that she may understand the problem with using these words, in her adolescent mind, perhaps she feels this is her only weapon? Especially as you don’t mention that the boys have received any kind of punishment for their treatment of her? For me, the situation requires a chat with all sides to put a stop to all name calling.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 17:30

As for calling them 'gay', when my son was at school everyone called each other 'gay' and I remember one friend saying he thought his mum's new car was a bit 'gay'.

Please don't minimise the homophobic abuse. While the use of "gay" might have been prevalent at your son's school, I highly doubt that everyone used this kind of homophobic language. There will have been kids for whom this kind of language was really upsetting, and there will have been others who were well aware that it was unacceptable.

I think there are two issues here, OP. One is that your dd is using homophobic language to lash out at other kids.That is not in any way acceptable (as you clearly know), and she needs to understand why it is so wrong. I wonder if you can find any videos or something online that help her to understand how upsetting this kind of language might be for kids who are the victims of homophobic bullying?

The second issue, of course, is that the school needs to address the abuse that is being directed at your dd with regard to her size. This is equally unacceptable, and it isn't surprising that she wants to hit back at them. If she really can't help herself, can you help her come up with a retort that will not get her into trouble?

The kids who are taunting her sound vile, but she needs to understand that two wrongs don't make a right, and that her use of homophobic slurs may actually upset innocent bystanders in a way that she really didn't intend.

MrsWooster · 16/03/2021 17:32

Definitely two wrongs. I’d want her punished for homophobia and I’d want the boys equally punished for bullying.

Persipan · 16/03/2021 17:34

Everything @AlexaShutUp said.

KurtWilde · 16/03/2021 17:38

Have the boys also been punished for bullying your daughter?

WhoWants2Know · 16/03/2021 17:43

They wanted to send her to workshops to control her impulsive behaviour-- but is it really impulsive? Does she have trouble controlling her impulses in other areas?

My approach to offensive language in my kids is probably not popular, but works so far.

Knowing the kind of words they would be exposed to at school, I allowed my daughters to start swearing at home when they got their first period. If they use a word, I would explain the meaning in detail, so they knew exactly what they were saying. Racist or homophobic words weren't allowed, and if they used one without knowing then they were corrected.

The first time a boy messed with my eldest on the bus, she cheerfully turned the air blue, and it hasn't happened again.

So my approach to your daughter's situation wouldn't be to tell her not to call the boys names... but probably to give her a selection of better names to use.

Sillydoggy · 16/03/2021 17:45

Perhaps you should teach her some alternative retorts and insults that she can use. At least she is prepared to stand up to the bullies. Tell her the homophobic insults are not to be used and tell her why but I don’t think they will stop until you find her another way to respond and feel strong when they bully her. Telling a teacher doesn’t make you feel strong especially if the teacher doesn’t take it seriously.

Theunamedcat · 16/03/2021 17:51

Does she feel safe in isolation? What struck me is the school are not protecting her from bullying and perhaps her calling them gay was the fastest way to get back into isolation and away from them maybe she is ashamed of being called fat and wants to be alone

It is obviously a completely inappriate way to respond but are the boys being punished for fat shaming or just her being punished for reacting

gumbucket · 16/03/2021 17:52

The decision to send her to impulse control workshops after one incidence of calling someone 'gay' seems a bit far fetched. I'm guessing this is not the first time she was in trouble at school?

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 17:53

That's quite perceptive @Theunamedcat. You might be on to something.

ShagMeRiggins · 16/03/2021 17:54

Here is Ash Beckham doing a talk about why “that’s so gay” needs to go away. It’s very funny, and it’s short.

Ultimately, as a PP said, it comes down to precise and better use of language. If your DD wants to fight back, good for her. She should not have to deal with this. But give her better weapons, meaning more precise language.

The boys should be punished as well. I know overweight isn’t a protected characteristic of the Equality Act, so it’s not criminal, but it’s still wholly wrong for those boys to bully her.

Is your daughter also Y10?

Iamnotthe1 · 16/03/2021 18:05

I'm surprised that so many posters are jumping to conclusions given the lack of information.

So far, we know:
Two boys have made a weight-based comment to this girl once.
The girl has made three separate homophobic comments across three days in a row, including a really disgusting slur. This is despite being told that that type of behaviour is unacceptable by both school and home.

The boys' comment, whatever it was, was not alright and that should be addressed. If it's part of larger action, that should also be addressed.

However, your daughter's decision to use homophobic language, and to choose to continue using it, is a significant concern.

SionnachRua · 16/03/2021 18:08

As for calling them 'gay', when my son was at school everyone called each other 'gay' and I remember one friend saying he thought his mum's new car was a bit 'gay'.

That's how it was when I was at school too. But the world has moved on and rightly so! I wouldn't use this as an excuse for her for a second.

The homophobic comments and the weight comments appear to be separate issues, seeing as the daughter has made these comments 3 days in a row. As far as we know, the boys commented once. While their comment is horrible, this isn't some kind of tit for tat scenario. She needs to be corrected for this and so do the boys - both are problems.

Christmasfairy2020 · 16/03/2021 18:09

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Iamnotthe1 · 16/03/2021 18:09

I'd also say to you, OP, that she will understand the seriousness of the language she is choosing to use. That's why she's choosing to use it. Words are chosen to affect others. What she isn't able to do is to empathise with those affected by that language: that's what needs to be worked on.

toocold54 · 16/03/2021 18:10

If I were you I would be sitting down with the head and raising hell about why they’re allowing my daughter to be bullied AND victim blaming her. Sounds like they want to make her the problem so they don’t need to handle the real issue - the bullying.

This is the third time that she has been offensive so I don’t think they are making her the problem at all. The others should be dealt with too but that doesn’t mean she should get a free pass.

I really feel for you OP. Gay was something we would say all the time but as more of a fun insult and not about homosexuality but it seems your DD is very focused on the homosexuality aspect. I think you just need to find something she is passionate about eg her phone and take it away. I would also be explaining that when she retaliates she gets herself in trouble so she needs to not give them that satisfaction and ignore them and report it.

toocold54 · 16/03/2021 18:12

Nah she did right. They called her fat. She called them gay.

Please don’t listen to the the 12 year olds on here.