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Original poster

DD used homophibic language in school.

198 replies

Dilraj68 · 16/03/2021 16:43

Last Friday I was called into her school as DD had said the word 'faggot' to a couple of Year 10 boys when they fat shamed her. The school have decided to put her in isolation and detentions during lunch. They've also decided to send her to workshops in order to control her impulsivity and control what she says. Yesterday, Monday her school carried out Covid tests and today was the first day back to school after the lockdown. DD agreed to watch what she says, to report the bullies and not to retaliate. Todat, the child who fat shamed her was called 'gay' by DD.

Every day since that meeting on Friday I've sat her down and explained the consequences of her bad behaviour and why homophobic language is never acceptable. She agreed to start on a clean slate and today being the day she'd see her friends again.

Every day whilst at work, I'm on tenterhooks hoping that she's had an ok day but today just killed me. Another email and phone call from her head of year telling me about her homophobic language. I just don't know what to do anymore, she just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Please can someone advise. I just wanna cry.

I apologise for her bad language.

OP posts:
Graciebobcat · 18/03/2021 03:45

Yes, using homophobic words is not good, but I'd also ask what the school is going to do about the boys and their misogynistic bullying. They won't be asking other boys why their legs are hairy. DD is only using these words as a cutting response to horrible and unacceptable treatment by these boys. What are the school going to do to address male violence, sexual harrassment of and ganging up by a group of boys on a single girl?

Doomsdayiscoming · 18/03/2021 04:05

The F word in particular makes my skin crawl. And that’s the short form in place of using normal word like cigarette. The long form? Disgusting, I’d probably disown a child who said that.

Where has she learnt that from? I didn’t realise anyone under the age of 55 used it.

Skippingabeat · 18/03/2021 04:12

Let her call him a misogynist incel cause if he's calling girls fat that's exactly what he is

SD1978 · 18/03/2021 04:15

And what punishment did the children who called her names get? No it's not appropriate to have used those slurs, but I hope both parties were reprimanded and they were also made to watch some kind of video as to why fat shaming can lead to eating disorders

Pyewackect · 18/03/2021 04:20

Jeeze, what a total overreaction. I couldn't print the names and basic Anglo-Saxon thrown around when I was school.

Oblomov21 · 18/03/2021 05:25

Good luck with the meeting. Of course her language is not ok, but Hold firm on asking why her bullying hasn't been addressed.

MissKeithsNeice · 18/03/2021 05:41

Love the assumption that the school hasnt addressed the boys behaviour. How do we know that?? Confused They still have to follow up the issues with your daughters behaviour.

Lentillover1900 · 18/03/2021 05:50

@MissKeithsNeice

Love the assumption that the school hasnt addressed the boys behaviour. How do we know that?? Confused They still have to follow up the issues with your daughters behaviour.
Rational assumption given op makes no reference to it and says *“ I'm going to bring up the name calling and fat shaming.”*
raaraayou · 18/03/2021 06:34

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AlexaShutUp · 18/03/2021 06:44

@raaraayou, you are a disgrace. I thought about reporting your post, but then I decided that it was better to let it stand to expose this kind of thing for what it is.

The world has not gone mad. Nothing has changed. It was never ok for you to use homophobic abuse when you were at school. You might have thought it was a joke, but the kids who were damaged by your homophobia were not amused.

Do you think racism and sexism are funny too?

Shame on you for trying to normalise hate speech.

sashh · 18/03/2021 06:49

You need to point out to the school that whilst your dd's language is unacceptable, so is the fat shaming and what are they doing about that.

The school have a duty of care to your dd as well as the boys.

You dd's comments are not out of the blue they are a reaction to her being bullied, the school has a duty to prevent the initial verbal attack.

Also I'd ask what is wrong with the word 'gay'? It is not like faggot which is only ever a slur. Do the school think being homosexual is a bad thing? Is it really worse that 'fat'?

As for your dd she needs a supply of comments to hit back;

I can diet, but you will still be ugly / short /insert something appropriate

I'm here for my education not your nasty comments

I got fat to stop idiots like you fancying me, it was so boring being followed by boys with no personality

I can diet, can you stop being an idiot? or Buy yourself a personality.

Wow you're really bad at insults, you need to study harder. Maybe you need a tutor.

AlexaShutUp · 18/03/2021 06:55

Also I'd ask what is wrong with the word 'gay'? It is not like faggot which is only ever a slur. Do the school think being homosexual is a bad thing? Is it really worse that 'fat'?

@sashh, there is nothing wrong with the word gay per se. However, there is everything wrong with using it as an insult, because it implies that there is something bad about being gay.

I agree that calling someone fat is unacceptable too, and I would absolutely expect the school to deal with this.

Doomsdayiscoming · 18/03/2021 07:18

@raaraayou

What do you do for a living?

If I used any homophobic, racist, or sexist slur in my workplace I would be fired. I imagine it is gross misconduct. I would report any of my colleagues for the same. I’ve never heard anything of the such in my 10 years of work.

Original poster
Dilraj68 · 18/03/2021 07:22

What do I do for a living, I'm a TA. We have never used this language at home, ever and I can only think that DD has picked up this word from social media or heard it herself.

I'm off to the head teacher's meeting today and will press for tougher sanctions against those who bully her and will accept the ongoing sanctions against DD for the slur.

Will update you all.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 18/03/2021 07:31

OP, I don't think @Doomsdayiscoming was directing that question to you. It is clear from your posts that you do not condone the use of homophobic language and that your dd hasn't picked this up from home. She has no doubt learned it from her peers, and it's very clear from some of the posts on this thread where they got it from.Hmm

Good luck at the meeting today. It sounds like you're taking exactly the right approach.

jessstan2 · 18/03/2021 07:34

@AlexaShutUp

Also I'd ask what is wrong with the word 'gay'? It is not like faggot which is only ever a slur. Do the school think being homosexual is a bad thing? Is it really worse that 'fat'?

@sashh, there is nothing wrong with the word gay per se. However, there is everything wrong with using it as an insult, because it implies that there is something bad about being gay.

I agree that calling someone fat is unacceptable too, and I would absolutely expect the school to deal with this.

I agree and I felt the same twenty years or so ago when my child's generation were using 'gay' as a casual insult.

However I have seen many people on here use the C word, which is part of a woman's anatomy, as an insult (& I hate it).

Oblomov21 · 18/03/2021 07:35

Unfortunately my teen ds's have reported that the word gay has been used a lot in the last couple of years 'oh it's so gay', which is not ok. So just to point out that it has risen in usage again recently.

I like sashh suggestions of retorts : the equivalent of - I can lose weight but your'll always be ..... stupid/personality less etc.

AlexaShutUp · 18/03/2021 07:37

However I have seen many people on here use the C word, which is part of a woman's anatomy, as an insult (& I hate it).

Yep, I totally agree.

crochetmonkey74 · 18/03/2021 07:41

She needs to stop the homophobic language as its clouding the bullying issue. Ignore PPs who have long clever scripts to say to the boys , they wont care , it will be seen as them having won in winding her up. I agree she should just switch to calling them something else , preferably something personal. I understand this is not a race to the bottom, but shes not going to control her retaliation (I personally dont think she should as we train girls to be quiet) so she just needs verbal abuse that isnt illegal .
In an ideal world, school would stop these bullies and she wouldn't be in this position

itsgettingwierd · 18/03/2021 08:01

@Dilraj68

What do I do for a living, I'm a TA. We have never used this language at home, ever and I can only think that DD has picked up this word from social media or heard it herself.

I'm off to the head teacher's meeting today and will press for tougher sanctions against those who bully her and will accept the ongoing sanctions against DD for the slur.

Will update you all.

Good luck today.

You probably know this already working in education but start off with the supporting the school and agreeing dd needs to stop and then lead into how they will support it stopping by ensuring the trigger is removed as that is also unacceptable.

Schools are much more inside when they know they have your support.

TitusPullo · 18/03/2021 08:12

@raaraayou - wow are you that hard of thinking? I am the same age as you and yes everything remotely to someone’s taste was called ‘gay’ then. But now I look back and utterly cringe at it. It wasn’t ok then, I remember some saccharine assemblies asking is not to use it and it’s not ok now. Now I would hope that you had grown up a little and realise that using someone’s sexuality to describe something in a negative way is not ok. Mind blowing.

TitusPullo · 18/03/2021 08:12

*Remotely not

iamaMused · 18/03/2021 09:12

Fingers cross OP you can get to the bottom of what happened to your daughter and those boys. Fat shaming can have just as serious psychological consequences to some teens as homophobic name calling. I have every sympathy for all teens struggling with their sexuality, fortunately nowadays there are many positive role models for gay, lesbian and bisexuals especially in my children's school there are many prominent staff who belong to the LGBTQ+ community.

Several of the 'fat shaming' bullies are never taught the consequences of their actions due to the bullying lottery... I have noticed there is a hierarchy of insults but to the individual teen each one is devastating. Eg I have experienced al red headed boy who self harmed after years of taunting which wasn't taken seriously. I hate homophobic slurs but I also hate those low level not picking bullies as those words become their lifetime internal monologue.

Op your daughters choice of words is wrong and you as her parent have punished her, the school is punishing her you now need to find some form of justice for her upset. I'am a school mentor and the school I volunteer at the deputy head is gay and she's amazing when she punishes the teens who use homophobic slurs.... I can imagine how she would handle your daughter.... the conversation would go... "Im gay, why is that a bad thing? I'm a bigger person too, why is that a bad thing? I'm also kind and funny and a brilliant teacher"
My gut tells me if the school handles this correctly then your daughter will learn, as for those boys, I can see them fat shaming and name calling as adults.

AlexaShutUp · 18/03/2021 23:54

How did it go at the school today @Dilraj68?

I hope that the school had a positive response to the concerns that you raised about the bullying?

Original poster
Dilraj68 · 19/03/2021 05:55

Thank you for all your support messages, had a busy time yesterday with DD's birthday. So the deputy head chaired the meeting with the firm tutor and a pastoral staff. Seems DD doesn't report the name calling when it happens and lashes out by using an offensive slur. She only tells the staff after it happens by which it's too late as the damage is done. She's paranoid that the teachers will tire of her continued complaining and they reassured her they won't. They took down the names of the perpetrators (last week the form tutor showed DD images of the Year 10 boys from the computer and asked her to pick them out. They had teased her, called her fat and ugly and compared her to a staff member who is constantly mocked and teased by the students because of the way she looks)

The downside of the meeting is that if it happens again, she'll be given a final warning and will be up before the governors. I'm scared shitless. DD is in an outstanding school, it's walking distance and I'm scared that she'll throw it all away. She really wants to do well in school but her tongue gets out of control.

She's displaying traits of ADHD and the earliest the GP can see me will be during the Easter holidays. I've told the school this and in the interim they've arranged pastoral care. DD is on report to the head of year. I will be emailing the school to ask what's happening with the bullies and if they've been punished yet.

Thank you for all your advice.

OP posts:
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