Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

DD used homophibic language in school.

198 replies

Dilraj68 · 16/03/2021 16:43

Last Friday I was called into her school as DD had said the word 'faggot' to a couple of Year 10 boys when they fat shamed her. The school have decided to put her in isolation and detentions during lunch. They've also decided to send her to workshops in order to control her impulsivity and control what she says. Yesterday, Monday her school carried out Covid tests and today was the first day back to school after the lockdown. DD agreed to watch what she says, to report the bullies and not to retaliate. Todat, the child who fat shamed her was called 'gay' by DD.

Every day since that meeting on Friday I've sat her down and explained the consequences of her bad behaviour and why homophobic language is never acceptable. She agreed to start on a clean slate and today being the day she'd see her friends again.

Every day whilst at work, I'm on tenterhooks hoping that she's had an ok day but today just killed me. Another email and phone call from her head of year telling me about her homophobic language. I just don't know what to do anymore, she just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Please can someone advise. I just wanna cry.

I apologise for her bad language.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 18:14

Nah she did right. They called her fat. She called them gay.

FFS! With such stupid parents, the kids don't really stand a chance, do they?

Luckychant · 16/03/2021 18:15

@jessstan2

I think the boys fat shaming your daughter is just as bad as her calling them 'faggots'. She was pushed into a corner and retaliated.

As for calling them 'gay', when my son was at school everyone called each other 'gay' and I remember one friend saying he thought his mum's new car was a bit 'gay'.

She won't do it again but honestly I feel her punishment from school is OTT.

When I was at school kids used to use racist slurs to each other. That doesn't make it okay.
MrMeSeeks · 16/03/2021 18:15

Id also be asking why theseboys aren’t being punished?

As for calling them 'gay', when my son was at school everyone called each other 'gay' and I remember one friend saying he thought his mum's new car was a bit 'gay'

Yes this was certainly used when i was at school too for everything without being an actual homophobic insult ( if if it shouldn’t have).

Usagi12 · 16/03/2021 18:15

@joystir59

She is committing a criminal offence. If my child was subjected to homophobic abuse I'd give the perpetrator one chance to take back the abuse and apologise, then I'd be going to the police to report a hate crime. I'm a lesbian and wouldn't tolerant this abuse.
Oh calm down, going to the police to report a year 10 girl for this is obviously not the right way to handle it!
nimbuscloud · 16/03/2021 18:17

Is this your 12 year old ?

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 18:20

Gay was something we would say all the time but as more of a fun insult

Calling someone gay is never a fun insult. Using the word "gay" as a term of abuse, whether in jest or otherwise, is homophobic.

Iamnotthe1 · 16/03/2021 18:23

To those saying that 'gay' was used as a fun, harmless banter term when we were younger, it may have been for you. As someone who was in the closet, struggling with my own identity, and having to the only word identifying me as linked with crap or rubbish or weird, it was absolutely not playful or harmless. Even worse when you had to try and join in so you wouldn't stand out.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 18:24

Yes this was certainly used when i was at school too for everything without being an actual homophobic insult

But it is an actual homophobic insult, whether it was intended as such or not!

The term "gay" is still used widely at dd's school as an insult, not necessarily directed at people who are gay. DD challenges it every single time because she knows that her gay and bi friends find it offensive. It is not ok under any circumstances.

faithfulbird20 · 16/03/2021 18:24

I understand her language is not acceptable. But the problem lies with the way the bullies target her...she doesn't know how to deal with it and reacts that way. Teach her to react another way. I'm sure she doesn't mean it.

Her reaction shows she feels hurt by it that's why she's using that language.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 16/03/2021 18:24

The bullying and her comments are a separate issue.

Why the actual fuck have the little shits not been sent on some course? They’re hanging up on her and bullying her. Get on the phone to the head tomorrow and demand a meeting to sort this out. They’re clearly targeting by her and clearly being allowed to get away with it. Utterly unacceptable.

Separately, your daughter’s language is appalling. Provoked or not, she can surely come up with a better comeback than something homophobic. It’s not an acceptable method of retaliation and outside of a school setting using that language could get her in a lot of trouble. Can she explain why she’s using that language? Is it used at home?

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 18:25

Flowers @Iamnotthe1, I'm sorry that you had to deal with that.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 16/03/2021 18:26

@faithfulbird20

I understand her language is not acceptable. But the problem lies with the way the bullies target her...she doesn't know how to deal with it and reacts that way. Teach her to react another way. I'm sure she doesn't mean it.

Her reaction shows she feels hurt by it that's why she's using that language.

Feeling hurt is not an excuse for homophobic language. The same it wouldn’t be for racism, sexism etc. It’s unacceptable whatever the circumstances.
Iamnotthe1 · 16/03/2021 18:28

@faithfulbird20

I understand her language is not acceptable. But the problem lies with the way the bullies target her...she doesn't know how to deal with it and reacts that way. Teach her to react another way. I'm sure she doesn't mean it.

Her reaction shows she feels hurt by it that's why she's using that language.

That's a huge leap with nothing to base it on. You're assuming that she's targetted by bullies, that everything is as a response only and that she doesn't mean to cause harm. You're completely removing any responsibility from her and minimising her actions.

What you are saying may well be the case (we need more information) but it's a massive leap from what the OP said to this.

dootdoot · 16/03/2021 18:30

Yes this was certainly used when i was at school too for everything without being an actual homophobic insult ( if if it shouldn’t have).

It's always homophobic to use gay as an insult. Even if your 'intent' is not to be homophobic, using gay as a synonym for bad is quite clearly homophobic and should be treated as such always.

People used gay as an insult when I was at school but I (naively) thought people had moved on from thatSad

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2021 18:30

Fine to call them little arseholes, because they are. I'd not have her get in additional trouble at home for that.

But any word that denigrates someone based on sexual orientation, race, sex etc. is utterly wrong and she needs to understand that. It's not insulting THEM it's insulting gay people. And that's something she shouldn't do.

Chooseausernamenow · 16/03/2021 18:30

@jessstan2 just because everyone called each other gay at school doesn’t make it ok. It’s totally unacceptable.

OP so is calling someone fat so I’m not surprised your daughter was upset. That’s no excuse for the homophobic abuse though.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 18:32

People used gay as an insult when I was at school but I (naively) thought people had moved on from that.

So did I, until dd told me how much it still happens. If anything, it seems worse now than ever, which is depressing. It infuriates her.

Veterinari · 16/03/2021 18:33

@jessstan2

I think the boys fat shaming your daughter is just as bad as her calling them 'faggots'. She was pushed into a corner and retaliated.

As for calling them 'gay', when my son was at school everyone called each other 'gay' and I remember one friend saying he thought his mum's new car was a bit 'gay'.

She won't do it again but honestly I feel her punishment from school is OTT.

What punishment do you feel is appropriate for hate speech and homophobia?

The fact that you don't think using homosexuality as an insult is a big deal is something you might want to think about

Oodilallygolly · 16/03/2021 18:36

The language wouldn’t bother me if it was my child.
I would however be massively bothered that she’s being taunted to the point of lashing out and is being punished as a result

Makingnumber2 · 16/03/2021 18:37

Most schools take a zero tolerance approach to homophobic language in same way they do to racist language. Your DD should be careful- in my school she would be on an external exclusion already. 2 wrongs don't make a right. As a parent I would also want to know what was put in place to address the boys' behaviour towards your daughter. They are unlikely to be able to give lots of details but at the very least you can be told if they were sanctioned and if they repeat the behaviour again you can reasonably request for the sanction to be increased to the next level in line with school's behaviour policy.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 18:38

The language wouldn’t bother me if it was my child.

It wouldn't bother you that your child was using homophobic abuse?

Wow!

Lentillover1900 · 16/03/2021 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dootdoot · 16/03/2021 18:40

@Lentillover1900 what an absolutely ridiculous thing to say. How many countries is it punishable by death to be straight in? Gay people face horrific discrimination everyday. You're just embarrassing yourself here

Oodilallygolly · 16/03/2021 18:41

@AlexaShutUp I wouldn’t encourage it but if my child was being teased and taunted, I wouldn’t give a toss

itsgettingwierd · 16/03/2021 18:42

I'm with joy child

My son is disabled and was repeatedly called spastic and retard at school.

And that language is NEVER taken as seriously as homophobic language which is never taken as seriously as racial hate language.

You need to get to the bottom of why she's doing it but also she needs to know this isn't in. At. All.

When my sons school were slow to deal with it and giving warning before any punishment Shock
They had contact from me telling them that had half an hour to respond with an outline of what punishments would be dished out immediately to any child who use disability hate crime language to him again - and if I didn't have it within 30 minutes I'd be going to police.

It took 3 weeks of school coming down hard every time and then nobody so much as uttered a hate word towards ds again.

Swipe left for the next trending thread