DD used homophibic language in school.

[Dilraj68]

Last Friday I was called into her school as DD had said the word 'faggot' to a couple of Year 10 boys when they fat shamed her. The school have decided to put her in isolation and detentions during lunch. They've also decided to send her to workshops in order to control her impulsivity and control what she says. Yesterday, Monday her school carried out Covid tests and today was the first day back to school after the lockdown. DD agreed to watch what she says, to report the bullies and not to retaliate. Todat, the child who fat shamed her was called 'gay' by DD.

Every day since that meeting on Friday I've sat her down and explained the consequences of her bad behaviour and why homophobic language is never acceptable. She agreed to start on a clean slate and today being the day she'd see her friends again.

Every day whilst at work, I'm on tenterhooks hoping that she's had an ok day but today just killed me. Another email and phone call from her head of year telling me about her homophobic language. I just don't know what to do anymore, she just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Please can someone advise. I just wanna cry.

I apologise for her bad language.

Maybe she needs anger management training www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anger/treatment-and-support/

Keep pushing the school - and keep hammering the point that a member of staff is being the subject of abuse as well. Schools sometimes forget their duty of care to female children, they may be more inclined to protect their staff.

Do bear in mind they will not be able to give much detail on what has happened to the bullies. But regardless I'd still be hugely concerned myself that her go to response is homophobia. After being told about the possible consequences.

I still think that the perpetrators of the teasing and bullying should be the ones who get into trouble. How would we manage if we went into to work each day and people were telling us we were fat and ugly? I am willing to bet that we might lash out at some point - and that this would not mean we needed anger management training.

We might lash out in the full knowledge of the language we were using and its implications - knowledge that I child would not possess.

Because schools (and other organisations) are keen to be seen as not homophobic, then this whole scenario has got out of proportion. Frankly I think that calling a child fat and ugly is just as bad as a homophobic slur - both come from a place of cruelty and unkind intent.

I hope that the boys too are on a final warning and could find themselves in deep water.

i feel that the school is being over harsh here. I don't know there history of exclusions but I feel that to such a course of action is really heavy handed. Of course they have to act due to the law we have in the U.K. re protected status, but the fact remains it is a school. How does the school deal with other language used - there are many words that children use to insult each other - what about boys insulting each other for example and calling someone a "girl" or "girly" I doubt whether the same penalty will apply. My point is that the school most likely do not act when other insults are used and the reason is probably because those insults are ridiculous. These are children, the boys started this with their insults and I understand your daughter was upset and responded as indeed anyone would - her choice of words is the problem but the sanctions the school want to impose are disproportionate.

It is an ongoing issue though. Not a one off outburst. And most importantly, we don't know and won't know how the boys are being punished. The school will not tell OP that.
The minimising of homophobic insults earlier on the thread (not by OP I hasten to add) was shocking. It isn't acceptable. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Well done, OP. It sounds like the school is taking the bullying allegations seriously.

I understand your concern about what will happen if dd is bullied again and defaults to the same pattern. Can you rehearse alternative responses with her to try to change her impulsive response?

The homophobic language is unacceptable, as you know, but I think the suspected adhd does need to be taken into account as it clearly impacts on your dd's ability to control her impulses. I think the school needs to consider this potential disability when dealing with any issues, because it will be much harder for her to moderate her responses to the provocation from these boys than it would be for the average child. Of course, there is no excuse for the words that she is using, but it is a mitigating factor.

Today was a good day, DD felt confident with a different hair style, she'd done a banging job on her art homework, walked into school with a neighbouring child and the sun was out! However, I asked her at hometime if she had a good day and if she had reported to the Head after lunch (part of the punishment) and she confirmed that she did. She also told me that she's on report for the next 8 weeks. I feel this is a bit too much and I don't know if the bullies have been dealt with accordingly. I just hope that DD gets through the next two weeks before they close for Easter but do you think I should email her form tutor about the reporting?

@Mischance

I still think that the perpetrators of the teasing and bullying should be the ones who get into trouble. How would we manage if we went into to work each day and people were telling us we were fat and ugly? I am willing to bet that we might lash out at some point - and that this would not mean we needed anger management training.

We might lash out in the full knowledge of the language we were using and its implications - knowledge that I child would not possess.

Because schools (and other organisations) are keen to be seen as not homophobic, then this whole scenario has got out of proportion. Frankly I think that calling a child fat and ugly is just as bad as a homophobic slur - both come from a place of cruelty and unkind intent.

I hope that the boys too are on a final warning and could find themselves in deep water.

Using a homophobic slur repeatedly is incredibly serious, and it's not just about 'being seen' to be homophobic, it's about not allowing any homophobic abuse it schools.

Schools are always reluctant to tell you what is happening with other children -but they can, and should, reassure you that the bullying is being taken just as seriously. Not sure what being on report means but if she has to physically see the head she can point out any bad behaviour from the boys when she does that, as well as reporting it to a teacher.

8 weeks? Good god yes. Being on report for a week is harsh enough. This is ridiculous.

Hang on a sec, it's a major drip feed to say suspected ADHD!

@Oblomov21

8 weeks? Good god yes. Being on report for a week is harsh enough. This is ridiculous.

It really is!

8 weeks!? That seems a bit excessive for a report. I'm a teacher and in my school it would be for two weeks unless it isn't achieved and then it would be escalated to the next level. Ask you daughters school for clarification on the report. What are her targets? How often does she have to report to the head? How long will she be on it for? If the response from the school is 8 weeks. Ask why it is for such a long period of time.

I don't think 8 weeks is proportionate and believe it to be heavy handed. There may be pressures on the school to seem to be taking very stringent action, I personally think that the comments made should be treated the same as other insults made. These are children.

To be honest, I think being on report is relatively mild compared to how his could have been dealt with. In some schools, the use of a homophobic slur, regardless of why it was used, would land you in an internal exclusion and an official report logged as it is with racist language. Yes, eight weeks is a pain in the arse but, after three incidents, it could have been a lot worse. Plus, it gives your daughter the opportunity to take any concerns she has to the head on a daily basis.

I believe that escalating these types of incidents to such a high level is disproportionate - the child was bullied and responded. I think the school probably has to be seen to act - my view remains it is disproportionate and think given the other things that happen in schools (admittedly I don't know about this one) I think this is over the top

I don't think it is disproportionate. This isn't one off. This is an ongoing use of homophobic language despite being warned about it and it being discussed both at school and at home. It is concerning that these are the words she is using to cause pain knowing full well that it is wrong to do so.
We do not know and will never know how the boys have been dealt with.
Report is actually useful here as she has to check in with a member of staff and reflect on things - this can help her spot the trigger points where she's losing control. Because she is.
None of this makes the other name calling acceptable. But being insulted doesn't make homophobia ok. It never did.

@Dilraj68. Being on report can be a positive thing. It means she can be checked in with and the issue will be kept in mind by the staff she sees. Being on report will not affect her chances of getting a job etc

To the people minimising homophobic language, and saying they are only children, where do you think this all starts? How do you think gay children feel to hear this in a school environment?

It's shameful that adults here have no understanding of why this language is unacceptable and the impact it has on gay young people in schools.

OP, you've dealt with this well, do see report as a positive thing. I think you do need to talk through the implications of what your daughter says if she were doing this as an 18 year old in a work place. She needs to know how wrong it is. Good luck

Thank you x

I do not think there is a hierarchy of fault here. The boys were at fault, as was your DD - BUT it was the boys who triggered this situation.

The boys should be punished for their inappropriate language and cruelty; and your DD should have it explained to her the serious nature of the word she used - she needs to know the history behind homosexual repression and understand that her choice of words is very painful to those on the receiving end.

I think the weight of punishment that has come her way is disproportionate - it is an opportunity for the school to educate your DD and for her to receive the support she needs to deal with these bully boys.

8 weeks seems a long time to be on HOY report for- at my school it's 2 weeks initially and if a student does poorly on it the 2 weeks will be extended either to the HOY or they move up to 2 week report to a member of senior leadership team. Could the 8 weeks be because you've told the school about your concerns around possible ADHD but GP can't see you until Easter hols and school will be aware that even if GP agrees to refer to CAMHS for assessment there will be a lengthy wait list? So in meantime if they keep the report running it's a way of ensuring DD has some 1:1 time at end of every day with HOY/pastoral team to give her a chance to offload/decompress/inform them of any incidents that may have happened so staff can step in and intervene early before it gets to your DD snapping and saying things she shouldn't?
Also I know it's worrying to hear governor's panel but it's very difficult for schools to permanently exclude a child (rightly so in my opinion), and even once a child has gone before governors and been put on a governors report to the Headteacher there would still need to be a further trigger incident before they looked at permanent exclusion.

DD told me that the 8 week report is stretched out with 4 different teachers each for two weeks, so it's two weeks with the head and then after the Easter holidays the remaining 6 weeks will be with 3 different teachers, one being a pastoral staff, one is the form tutor and the other is the head of year.

Ahh ok sorry I thought it was all with the Head of Year. Yes then if it's a report to the Head our school also does the graded approach, working the way down the ranks so to speak. You may find that if all is well after 4 weeks they might move straight from head of year to pastoral support worker and cut 2 weeks off.