Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

DD used homophibic language in school.

198 replies

Dilraj68 · 16/03/2021 16:43

Last Friday I was called into her school as DD had said the word 'faggot' to a couple of Year 10 boys when they fat shamed her. The school have decided to put her in isolation and detentions during lunch. They've also decided to send her to workshops in order to control her impulsivity and control what she says. Yesterday, Monday her school carried out Covid tests and today was the first day back to school after the lockdown. DD agreed to watch what she says, to report the bullies and not to retaliate. Todat, the child who fat shamed her was called 'gay' by DD.

Every day since that meeting on Friday I've sat her down and explained the consequences of her bad behaviour and why homophobic language is never acceptable. She agreed to start on a clean slate and today being the day she'd see her friends again.

Every day whilst at work, I'm on tenterhooks hoping that she's had an ok day but today just killed me. Another email and phone call from her head of year telling me about her homophobic language. I just don't know what to do anymore, she just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Please can someone advise. I just wanna cry.

I apologise for her bad language.

OP posts:
nitsandwormsdodger · 16/03/2021 21:38

Kids no longer call each other gay as they once used to habitually homophobia is v uncool
But fat shaming is iv uncool too

Surely the boys need to be stoped and then your daughter will stop ? I assume she is just trying to be hurtful to the boys rather than be actually homophobic?

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 21:49

Kids no longer call each other gay as they once used to habitually

I wish that was true, but it certainly isn't the case in any of the schools round here.

I assumed that homophobia would be very uncool these days. To my dismay, I learned that it wasn't.

itsgettingwierd · 16/03/2021 21:54

@AlexaShutUp

Turning the room blue wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Hate speech is different. It is never OK.
My ds learnt to respond I may have taught him! With

"I may spend my life with my disability but I'd rather that than spend it being a fucking ignorant twat"

One brilliant teacher (when one of these lads complained he'd said that) responded he was lucky that's all my ds called him WinkGrin

HermioneWeasley · 16/03/2021 21:54

Has she tried calling them “cock-knobs” or “massive bellends” instead?

Absolutely no need for homophobic slurs.

Midlifemusings · 16/03/2021 21:58

If she is fat and they called her fat and they are gay and she called them gay then both are just stating the obvious in a way meant to be mean.

However using slurs takes it to whole different level. And OP, she does know the seriousness of it. It isn't that her repeated insults are due to not getting it. She gets it.

If there is an ongoing conflict between these specific kids, someone at the school needs to get to the bottom of it and find a resolution. I would ask for a meeting with the school.

Theunamedcat · 16/03/2021 22:01

@Midlifemusings

If she is fat and they called her fat and they are gay and she called them gay then both are just stating the obvious in a way meant to be mean.

However using slurs takes it to whole different level. And OP, she does know the seriousness of it. It isn't that her repeated insults are due to not getting it. She gets it.

If there is an ongoing conflict between these specific kids, someone at the school needs to get to the bottom of it and find a resolution. I would ask for a meeting with the school.

Fat shaming is not on it doesnt matter if its "true" its fucking cruel
ItsLoisSangersFault · 16/03/2021 22:02

@Christmasfairy2020

Nah she did right. They called her fat. She called them gay.
Nice. Go you!

Your lucky kids. They are blessed to have you as a role model.

toocold54 · 16/03/2021 22:03

Kids no longer call each other gay as they once used to habitually

I don’t hear people calling each other gay as much anymore. I know in my day the term gay had no connection with sexuality it was said instead of terms like sad. But nowadays new phrases are used like batty boy and faggot as the DD used which are definitely aimed at sexuality.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 22:09

"I may spend my life with my disability but I'd rather that than spend it being a fucking ignorant twat"

Brilliant @itsgettingwierd, good for your ds. Bet that shut the little fuckwits up!

Midlifemusings · 16/03/2021 22:31

It isn't shaming to state you are fat to someone who is or you are gay to someone who is. There is nothing inherently wrong with being fat or being gay and so stating that fact is just a statement. It isn't cruel on its own. However if someone is saying it with the intent to be mean because they see being fat or gay as a bad thing - then it is problematic. Sounds like they were both doing the same thing and suing those words as insults. We don't know what words the boys used towards her so hard to say how they compared to f*ggot and gay.

Lollipop888 · 16/03/2021 22:33

Is it time to make all bullying against children in any form a hate crime?

Some of the stories on this thread relating to some children’s school experiences are very upsetting to read. No child should be made to feel unsafe or uncomfortable at schol

However My dd (with no protected characteristics) had a hellish few years with a horrible group of girls who made her life an absolute misery. Despite repulsive messages on social media which she received, school were powerless to do a lot, although they tried. It was an awful time, including sometimes spending lunchtimes alone in the toilet.

To me, bullying in all forms is abhorrent.

nimbuscloud · 16/03/2021 22:35

Are you there op ???

Theunamedcat · 16/03/2021 22:35

@Midlifemusings

It isn't shaming to state you are fat to someone who is or you are gay to someone who is. There is nothing inherently wrong with being fat or being gay and so stating that fact is just a statement. It isn't cruel on its own. However if someone is saying it with the intent to be mean because they see being fat or gay as a bad thing - then it is problematic. Sounds like they were both doing the same thing and suing those words as insults. We don't know what words the boys used towards her so hard to say how they compared to f*ggot and gay.
So your a bully nice I hope your child never meets anyone like you
Midlifemusings · 16/03/2021 22:40

@Theunamedcat

Sorry, I don't follow. What about what I said would make me a bully?

PomegranateQueen · 16/03/2021 22:44

Kids no longer call each other gay as they once used to habitually

My house backs onto a primary school playing field, sadly even little primary age kids call each other gay when they think grown ups can't hear them.

Obviously your daughter deserves to be punished for what she has said, it's totally out of order to use homophobic slurs. However I would be making sure that the boys are punished for bullying her and I would want assurances that the bullying will stop. As a PP said it is concerning that she maybe feels that using those words is a means to get her to safety and away from the bullies.

lunar1 · 16/03/2021 22:46

Personally I think the lot of them should be kept out of school until they can control themselves. Why on earth does it get to the stage that children are repeatedly using such vile language towards each other.

My DS is in Y7 and has suffered racist abuse repeatedly from the same child. if the vile racist repeats any of his comments now they are in senior school I will be contacting the police each and every time, like racist abuse, homophobic abuse is a crime.

twelly · 16/03/2021 23:05

The school should deal with bullying which in my opinion is the most important issue as it was bullying of several children to one child and ensure children know what language is I appropriate. There are children and just need to understand what is allowed and what is not.

BabyBee93 · 16/03/2021 23:11

@MrsWooster

Definitely two wrongs. I’d want her punished for homophobia and I’d want the boys equally punished for bullying.
100% this
jessstan2 · 17/03/2021 07:15

Pomegranate: Kids no longer call each other gay as they once used to habitually
.......
I'm very glad to hear that, it used to do my head in.

itsgettingwierd · 17/03/2021 08:05

@AlexaShutUp

"I may spend my life with my disability but I'd rather that than spend it being a fucking ignorant twat"

Brilliant @itsgettingwierd, good for your ds. Bet that shut the little fuckwits up!

It definitely surprised them hence why they grassed ds up.

Ds has autism as part of his condition (it's a genetic neurological muscular condition) and so he rarely spoke so a whole sentence like this took a lot of rehearsal and definitely took them by surprise.

I think the brilliant teacher backing him up sealed the deal!

itsgettingwierd · 17/03/2021 08:06

@lunar1

Personally I think the lot of them should be kept out of school until they can control themselves. Why on earth does it get to the stage that children are repeatedly using such vile language towards each other.

My DS is in Y7 and has suffered racist abuse repeatedly from the same child. if the vile racist repeats any of his comments now they are in senior school I will be contacting the police each and every time, like racist abuse, homophobic abuse is a crime.

Sorry your ds has to go through this.

Good on your for using police if needs be.

It must be stopped

Sally872 · 17/03/2021 08:10

Explain to DD while calling boy gay or faggot she may irritate him and you can understand why she would want to do that as he is being awful. However using that language is hurtful to any gay person or friend/family of a gay person. When we use gay as an insult it suggests there is something wrong with being gay which there isn't.

Then give her some appropriate insults to use.

twelly · 17/03/2021 08:11

These events happen in the school they should be dealt with by the school - it is not a police matter

TheUnwindingCableCar · 17/03/2021 08:42

How are most skimming over the fact that she didn't "just" call them gay, she's also used the term faggots too. That's never said in a fun or joking way, which tbh gay isn't either really anymore, she was punished for being homophobic and rightly so.

The boys were probably punished too.

Mischance · 17/03/2021 08:46

So....the boys who bullied her got off scot free............?