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Original poster

DD used homophibic language in school.

198 replies

Dilraj68 · 16/03/2021 16:43

Last Friday I was called into her school as DD had said the word 'faggot' to a couple of Year 10 boys when they fat shamed her. The school have decided to put her in isolation and detentions during lunch. They've also decided to send her to workshops in order to control her impulsivity and control what she says. Yesterday, Monday her school carried out Covid tests and today was the first day back to school after the lockdown. DD agreed to watch what she says, to report the bullies and not to retaliate. Todat, the child who fat shamed her was called 'gay' by DD.

Every day since that meeting on Friday I've sat her down and explained the consequences of her bad behaviour and why homophobic language is never acceptable. She agreed to start on a clean slate and today being the day she'd see her friends again.

Every day whilst at work, I'm on tenterhooks hoping that she's had an ok day but today just killed me. Another email and phone call from her head of year telling me about her homophobic language. I just don't know what to do anymore, she just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Please can someone advise. I just wanna cry.

I apologise for her bad language.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 16/03/2021 18:42

I would however be massively bothered that she’s being taunted to the point of lashing out and is being punished as a result

So, you wouldn't have a problem if the target of her homophobic insults "lashed out"?

Lentillover1900 · 16/03/2021 18:46

[quote dootdoot]@Lentillover1900 what an absolutely ridiculous thing to say. How many countries is it punishable by death to be straight in? Gay people face horrific discrimination everyday. You're just embarrassing yourself here [/quote]
Good grief

It was an observation.

Fat shaming a young teen, well I don’t regard that as any better or worse that calling someone gay.

Both are nasty name calling and don’t warrant different punishments

Oodilallygolly · 16/03/2021 18:46

@SoupDragon I think it’s important children are taught to stand up for themselves whoever they are. They might not choose the most productive way of communicating it but kids are kids, if they’re hurt or upset, of course they’re going to talk back

HamFisted · 16/03/2021 18:50

Have her watch V for Vendetta.

riotlady · 16/03/2021 18:50

@jessstan2 *As for calling them 'gay', when my son was at school everyone called each other 'gay' and I remember one friend saying he thought his mum's new car was a bit 'gay'.

She won't do it again but honestly I feel her punishment from school is OTT.*

Yeah this was the case when I was at school, and as someone who was figuring out their sexuality back then I can tell you it was really fucking damaging to constantly hear “gay” being associated with everything negative.

Iamnotthe1 · 16/03/2021 18:50

[quote Oodilallygolly]@SoupDragon I think it’s important children are taught to stand up for themselves whoever they are. They might not choose the most productive way of communicating it but kids are kids, if they’re hurt or upset, of course they’re going to talk back[/quote]
There's a difference between standing up for yourself and intentionally hurting others. "Lashing out" or using language designed to insult or offend is absolutely the latter, not the former.

@itsgettingwierd
That's truly awful and I'm glad that your son doesn't have to put up with that in school anymore.

SmaugMum · 16/03/2021 18:50

@joystir59

Calling her fat is also bullying (even if she is fat) and should be dealt with appropriately by the school.
Why the bits in brackets? I’ve no agenda or axe to grind here but I hate to see minority groups pitted against each other. Taking your argument to it’s logical conclusion here, what if the boy/s she called homosexual actually were? Nice bit of fat shaming...
Luckychant · 16/03/2021 18:52

[quote Oodilallygolly]@AlexaShutUp I wouldn’t encourage it but if my child was being teased and taunted, I wouldn’t give a toss[/quote]
If she used racist language, would you be okay with that?

SmaugMum · 16/03/2021 18:52

Its not it’s...I understand the finer points of grammar, even if my device doesn’t.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 18:52

My son is disabled and was repeatedly called spastic and retard at school

I'm so sorry to hear that, @itsgettingwierd. Well done for getting the school to deal with it.

Soontobe60 · 16/03/2021 18:53

@jessstan2

I think the boys fat shaming your daughter is just as bad as her calling them 'faggots'. She was pushed into a corner and retaliated.

As for calling them 'gay', when my son was at school everyone called each other 'gay' and I remember one friend saying he thought his mum's new car was a bit 'gay'.

She won't do it again but honestly I feel her punishment from school is OTT.

If you're in Scotland, homophobic slurs are classed as a Hate crime. Body shaming a woman is just a bit unkind. 🤷🏼‍♀️
AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 18:55

Both are nasty name calling and don’t warrant different punishments

They do under the law. I agree that both are nasty, though, and the fat shaming comments need to be dealt with.

SimonJT · 16/03/2021 18:56

Someone being unpleasant is not a reason to be unpleasant back, what would she do if someone who doesn’t have white skin made a nasty comment to her or someone with a disability?

The children who called her fat need to be punished. Your daughters homophobia needs swiftly dealing with.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 16/03/2021 18:57

Can people stop comparing OP’s DDs behaviour with those who did the fat shaming?

We have no idea whether the children who fat shamed OP’s DD were punished or what the punishment was. Likely OP doesn’t know as schools quite rightly tend to have a policy of not discussing the way the behaviour of specific pupils other than your own is managed.

SimonJT · 16/03/2021 18:57

@jessstan2

I think the boys fat shaming your daughter is just as bad as her calling them 'faggots'. She was pushed into a corner and retaliated.

As for calling them 'gay', when my son was at school everyone called each other 'gay' and I remember one friend saying he thought his mum's new car was a bit 'gay'.

She won't do it again but honestly I feel her punishment from school is OTT.

Seeing as you associate with people who are homophobic it isn’t a surprise you think punishment for homophobia is OTT.
AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 18:58

They might not choose the most productive way of communicating it but kids are kids, if they’re hurt or upset, of course they’re going to talk back

Talking back is one thing. Using hate speech is another.

Shame on those parents who think it's ok for their kids to use this kind of discriminatory language. It's no wonder some kids have no morals when their parents don't have any either.

Nancydrawn · 16/03/2021 18:59

@Lentillover1900

Pretty soon the ultimate insult is going to be

Calling someone straight and non trans

wtaf
Oodilallygolly · 16/03/2021 18:59

Body shaming a woman is just a bit unkind
She’s a child, not a woman. What about the mental health side of body-shaming? Risk of eating disorders, low self esteem, self harm etc?

SimonJT · 16/03/2021 19:01

@AlexaShutUp

Gay was something we would say all the time but as more of a fun insult

Calling someone gay is never a fun insult. Using the word "gay" as a term of abuse, whether in jest or otherwise, is homophobic.

Yep.

I wonder how they would feel about people using the words “bitch” “black” or “Jew” as a ‘fun’ insult.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 19:11

I wonder how they would feel about people using the words “bitch” “black” or “Jew” as a ‘fun’ insult.

Sadly, this happens too. It is never fun, but people try to pretend that it is. The word "bitch" gets bandied around a lot.

My dd's mixed race friend was called the n-word last year. Apparently it was "just a joke". The friend didn't find it funny, and she reported it. She was rounded on by the other kids who insisted it was "just banter". DD got really fucking tired of explaining why it wasn't ok. Over and over and over.

But since some parents don't seem to see an issue, it's hardly surprising. Good on the OP for appearing to recognise that it is a serious issue, I hope you can make your dd understand.

dootdoot · 16/03/2021 19:12

The excusal of homophobia on this thread is absolutely astounding. Homophobia insults have never been "fun" for those struggling with their sexuality and just because they were used when you were a child, they are NOT okay.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 19:14

What about the mental health side of body-shaming? Risk of eating disorders, low self esteem, self harm etc?

I agree. These are major issues, and I would expect the school to come down like a ton of bricks for this kind of behaviour.

But that's irrelevant. The fact that the body shaming was utterly unacceptable does not in any way justify the OP's dd's use of hate speech.

Two wrongs do not make a right.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 19:15

It's depressing, @dootdoot, isn't it? I genuinely thought things were better now, but if anything, we seem to have gone backwards.

gottakeeponmovin · 16/03/2021 19:18

I would want to know how the boys are being punished. That kind of behaviour can lead to mental health issues. I would address the language your daughter is using a s it's an offensive insult but she obviously feels she has to resort to something. I am also suspicious about her being sent in a course - sounds like there are wider issues

dootdoot · 16/03/2021 19:18

@AlexaShutUp at least your daughter sounds like a kind and intelligent child!