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Parenting

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Original poster

DD used homophibic language in school.

198 replies

Dilraj68 · 16/03/2021 16:43

Last Friday I was called into her school as DD had said the word 'faggot' to a couple of Year 10 boys when they fat shamed her. The school have decided to put her in isolation and detentions during lunch. They've also decided to send her to workshops in order to control her impulsivity and control what she says. Yesterday, Monday her school carried out Covid tests and today was the first day back to school after the lockdown. DD agreed to watch what she says, to report the bullies and not to retaliate. Todat, the child who fat shamed her was called 'gay' by DD.

Every day since that meeting on Friday I've sat her down and explained the consequences of her bad behaviour and why homophobic language is never acceptable. She agreed to start on a clean slate and today being the day she'd see her friends again.

Every day whilst at work, I'm on tenterhooks hoping that she's had an ok day but today just killed me. Another email and phone call from her head of year telling me about her homophobic language. I just don't know what to do anymore, she just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Please can someone advise. I just wanna cry.

I apologise for her bad language.

OP posts:

MysteriousMonkey · 16/03/2021 19:19

While your daughter shouldn't use those words to insult these complete morons as they shouldn't be used in a derogatory way, it's worth her exploring actual insulting words. Poor girl being fat shamed, I'm sorry Op.

SimonJT · 16/03/2021 19:21

@MysteriousMonkey

Ironic that you chose to use the word moron in a derogatory way.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/03/2021 19:21

Is she doing it specifically so she doesn't have to go to school.
Tbf, if I was subject to fat shaming bullying at work, I wouldn't make myself go.
Maybe the outlined punishment for this offence is more attractive than behaving and having to put up with it.

Alexandernevermind · 16/03/2021 19:25

From what I am understanding this is multiple boys vs your daughter. Are the boys in isolation for bullying her? Each time she uses a slur, is it in response to what they are saying? The only weapon she has is her mouth and if they throw insults at her she will throw them back. People in glass houses etc. My own DD has had the same issue with boys. She started puberty earlier than the other girls and constantly had to put up with comments from boys about her body. She will turn the room blue in response. My question is this, the boys are bullying her about her body and she is being blamed; what is school going to do about it?

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 19:28

@dootdoot, she is kind and intelligent, but she doesn't have much patience for people who behave like fuckwits...

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 19:29

Turning the room blue wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Hate speech is different. It is never OK.

monstermissy · 16/03/2021 19:29

I hope the boys have also been punished but I have to say I'm glad the school are taking it seriously so many don't. Thank you for caring and taking it seriously too... kids throwing this around and using the 'that's so gay' to describe something bad or rubbish should be addressed! It's gone unchallenged I'm high school far too long.

Shrivelled · 16/03/2021 19:32

Your DD has found something that is getting a lot of attention from the adults around her and she’s doing it repeatedly. Find out what the route cause of this is. Cries for help and support come in all different forms.

dementedpixie · 16/03/2021 19:34

Tell her to call them fuckwits instead!
School needs to deal with the boys making personal comments about her too

SmaugMum · 16/03/2021 19:36

@Soontobe60, I had to scroll back to find your comment as it touched a nerve with me.

“If you're in Scotland, homophobic slurs are classed as a Hate crime. Body shaming a woman is just a bit unkind. 🤷🏼‍♀️“

Were you being ironic?

monstermissy · 16/03/2021 19:36

Wow having read this thread further I can see just how far we need to come to stamp out this hateful abuse! It's not a funny term... and adults that condone it need to give their head a wobble! You guys are the reason my son never felt safe in school! It disgusts me!

Also who's bullying who here? 1 horrible insult vs 3 so far....

Op I'm sure you will be able to get her to understand and thank god you're trying you are a great parent!!

mumwon · 16/03/2021 19:39

when I was childminding & 2 children were nasty or said horrible things to each other I would find out the sequence of events
She was in the wrong BUT she was hitting back with the worst thing she could think of - the other child was totally in the wrong to fat shame her & they were the instigators & as such they should dealt with strongly
This is the second time & they obviously know what button to push

I wonder what would have happened if she had called them a bitch or whatever?

Alexandernevermind · 16/03/2021 19:39

Body shaming a woman is just a bit unkind. 🤷🏼‍♀️
Holy crap @soontobe60, you don't really think that, do you?

bitheby · 16/03/2021 19:40

All you people who happily used gay as a 'fun insult' when you were at school WERE being homophobic and WERE causing offence. It's never been acceptable to use gay as a slur. Just because you were all happily using it, never made it right. Just FYI.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 19:40

@monstermissy, I'm sorry that your ds had to deal with this shit.

Dddccc · 16/03/2021 19:46

She is retaliating to being bullied by more then 1 person first thing i would do is ask what the school is doing to start the boys from starting crap if they didn't pick on her she would not call them names I also think if only your child as been punished I would be majorly kicking off at the school, sounds like she is being bullied daily at school and this is what need addressing above everything else

WhoStoleMyCheese · 16/03/2021 19:54

How the hell is the school even finding out these things? I doubt that your daughter’s dumb enough to say the word in front of teachers.
Shes doing it on purpose maybe because it’s the only thing that works?
Not condoning homophobia but something smells fishy

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2021 20:01

I wonder how they would feel about people using the words “bitch” “black” or “Jew” as a ‘fun’ insult.

Would you have used the traditionally demeaning, insulting words for Black or Jew without asterixing them? Because you're quite happy to type out 'bitch'. Sexed insults are absolutely everywhere at school and in the wider world. No one gives a shit and sex isn't even included in hate crime legislation. For some reason.

Two wrongs don't make a right but don't pretend 'girl' isn't used every day as a slur. Haha throws like a girl, runs like a girl, big girls blouse, girly, etc etc etc

Baggingarea · 16/03/2021 20:21

OP do you know where she might have picked up this language from? It feels pretty strong stuff for a child to come out with and of course very worrying for you.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 20:26

OP do you know where she might have picked up this language from? It feels pretty strong stuff for a child to come out with and of course very worrying for you.

Sadly, @Baggingarea, this kind of language is rife in secondary schools. There won't be any kids of the OP's dd's age who don't know these words. I didn't realise this until dd started talking about it a couple of years ago.

RestingPandaFace · 16/03/2021 20:28

You obviously need to deal with your daughter’s language; but I would be suspicious that more is going on than you’ve heard about. I think there might be something in what PP said about her doing it because isolation feels safer.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/03/2021 20:29

@GrumpyHoonMain

If I were you I would be sitting down with the head and raising hell about why they’re allowing my daughter to be bullied AND victim blaming her. Sounds like they want to make her the problem so they don’t need to handle the real issue - the bullying.

This.^ What is the school doing to protect her? Why aren't the boys in detention and going to sensitivity training? She is being publicly humiliated and she is retaliating with the worst insult she knows. That is a normal response -- you hurt me and I hurt you. Unless she learned the language from you, you don't need to apologize.

Baggingarea · 16/03/2021 20:30

@AlexaShutUp that's so depressing. I thought teens today were meant to be enlightened? The F word sounds like something you'd hear down the pub in the 80s.

Iamnotthe1 · 16/03/2021 20:45

[quote Baggingarea]@AlexaShutUp that's so depressing. I thought teens today were meant to be enlightened? The F word sounds like something you'd hear down the pub in the 80s.[/quote]
That's the problem though: teens can't be enlightened when there are so many adults using racist, homophobic, sexist, etc. language. It's also rife on social media with, for many children, they have unfiltered and unmoderated access to.

I teach ten and eleven year olds and have to deal with issues around racism, homophobia, sexism, ableism every single year, including the worst forms of language. The kids are learning it from somewhere.

AlexaShutUp · 16/03/2021 20:47

That's the problem though: teens can't be enlightened when there are so many adults using racist, homophobic, sexist, etc. language.

Yep, the kids didn't invent these words. It's disappointing to see some of the attitudes expressed by parents on this thread.

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