DD used homophibic language in school.

[Dilraj68]

Last Friday I was called into her school as DD had said the word 'faggot' to a couple of Year 10 boys when they fat shamed her. The school have decided to put her in isolation and detentions during lunch. They've also decided to send her to workshops in order to control her impulsivity and control what she says. Yesterday, Monday her school carried out Covid tests and today was the first day back to school after the lockdown. DD agreed to watch what she says, to report the bullies and not to retaliate. Todat, the child who fat shamed her was called 'gay' by DD.

Every day since that meeting on Friday I've sat her down and explained the consequences of her bad behaviour and why homophobic language is never acceptable. She agreed to start on a clean slate and today being the day she'd see her friends again.

Every day whilst at work, I'm on tenterhooks hoping that she's had an ok day but today just killed me. Another email and phone call from her head of year telling me about her homophobic language. I just don't know what to do anymore, she just doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Please can someone advise. I just wanna cry.

I apologise for her bad language.

@faithfulbird20

I understand her language is not acceptable. But the problem lies with the way the bullies target her...she doesn't know how to deal with it and reacts that way. Teach her to react another way. I'm sure she doesn't mean it.

Her reaction shows she feels hurt by it that's why she's using that language.

Totally agree

@itsgettingwierd

I'm with joy child

My son is disabled and was repeatedly called spastic and retard at school.

And that language is NEVER taken as seriously as homophobic language which is never taken as seriously as racial hate language.

You need to get to the bottom of why she's doing it but also she needs to know this isn't in. At. All.

When my sons school were slow to deal with it and giving warning before any punishment
They had contact from me telling them that had half an hour to respond with an outline of what punishments would be dished out immediately to any child who use disability hate crime language to him again - and if I didn't have it within 30 minutes I'd be going to police.

It took 3 weeks of school coming down hard every time and then nobody so much as uttered a hate word towards ds again.

Why half an hour?

Totally agree with @faithfulbird20

She's lashing out because she is deeply hurt and probably embarrassed by what they are saying to her and just wants to cause pain.

What she's saying is totally unacceptable but so is what they are saying to her. Happy people don't say awful things to each other and none of the people in this scenario sound very happy.

The school should be dealing with all of them in the same way and hopefully all parents are able to support too.

Could she call them cunts instead. Or tell them to go fuck themselves.

Well I wouldn’t have my daughter fat shamed.

I would explain that fat shaming someone is bad but being homophobic is a criminal offence, that’s the difference and why she can’t use that language.

I’d want to know from the school the action they are taking against your daughter also being bullied.

If she is defensive tell her some swear words that she can say like go fuck your self. I would expect the same punishment then issued to her as the boys. Which seems like none

I cannot believe the number of apologists for homophobia here. It was NEVER ok to use gay to mean 'sad' or a bit rubbish. And it is something I never allowed in my classroom if it came to my attention. The use of it in that way was one of many reasons I disliked Chris Moyles' Breakfast Show on Radio 1. If I'd heard you using it like that when I was at school myself I would have called you out on it.

Also we do not know that the boys have not been punished. You would not be given this information. The fact that the OP's daughter has been spoken to about it and still does it knowing full well the implications makes me think that for whatever reason she doesn't care. You may need to have wider conversations about homophobia with her.

@Magnificentmug12

Well I wouldn’t have my daughter fat shamed.

I would explain that fat shaming someone is bad but being homophobic is a criminal offence, that’s the difference and why she can’t use that language.

I’d want to know from the school the action they are taking against your daughter also being bullied.

Please don't teach her that the reason she shouldn't use homophobic words is because it's an offence.

She shouldn't use them because they're homophobic.

It's not ok of course to use homophobic language and she needs to learn that but I'm really concerned that only one type of abuse is protected, I would definitely be getting to the bottom of what they said to her and what school are doing about it. And are they sure that the reporting of the language is not part of the bullying? Ie did a teacher hear it? I'm worried that she is learning that she has to suck up what is said to her because it is not a protected area

op hasn't been back
in some threads op's thread is about something controversial without full information & it is likely to become a major emotive debate without really knowing what happened
I don't agree with name calling of ANY kind - whether its disablist homophobic or personal -anything which is meant to demean another person or group when used as an insult. BUT I worry very much about people ganging up & victimizing one person because of their appearance & than when they react after deliberate provocation & knowing that the individual will react (badly let this be said) apparently the school doesn't stop the said victimization. We don't know the age of op's child it isn't said & people have made assumptions. We don't know if this is a hypothetical either

@jessstan2

I think the boys fat shaming your daughter is just as bad as her calling them 'faggots'. She was pushed into a corner and retaliated.

As for calling them 'gay', when my son was at school everyone called each other 'gay' and I remember one friend saying he thought his mum's new car was a bit 'gay'.

She won't do it again but honestly I feel her punishment from school is OTT.

You are wrong. Being LGBTI+ is something that a person has no control over. That isn't true for weight.

@lowbudgetnigella

It's not ok of course to use homophobic language and she needs to learn that but I'm really concerned that only one type of abuse is protected, I would definitely be getting to the bottom of what they said to her and what school are doing about it. And are they sure that the reporting of the language is not part of the bullying? Ie did a teacher hear it? I'm worried that she is learning that she has to suck up what is said to her because it is not a protected area

Totally agree with you. Mixed messages here from the school (unless the boys were punished too). All abuse/bullying towards children by any means should be taken seriously (which is why I think “children” should be a protected characteristic....

This is a school and should be dealt with by the school, the boys started this, they provoked another child. They are at fault, the other child insulted them. They are children - yes of course highlight the issue of what language is allowed. There is something quite ironic about explaining that that some forms of bullying and insults are ok - hardly inclusive

Itsgettingweird
When my sons school were slow to deal with it and giving warning before any punishment shock
They had contact from me telling them that had half an hour to respond with an outline of what punishments would be dished out immediately to any child who use disability hate crime language to him again - and if I didn't have it within 30 minutes I'd be going to police.

It took 3 weeks of school coming down hard every time and then nobody so much as uttered a hate word towards ds again.

Woollysheeps
Why half an hour?

Talk about picking out the most unimportant bit

@AlbusSeverusMalfoy I was just thinking the same! Call them cunts, dickheads or wankers because that’s not racial, homophobic or anything else it’s just unpleasant words but sometimes there’s a place for them.

@Dilraj68 I also think that if the school aren’t disciplining the boys for their rudeness then they’re not doing their job properly. She might be fat, he might be gay, neither needs commenting on.

First the school need to deal with both lots of bad behaviour. I seriously doubt the second name calling was for no reason, the boys were probably being obnoxious again. So teach her to tell them they are obnoxious bullying little pricks or little shits if she prefers and she will report their bullying or just to walk away and report the bullying. Ask her to describe them and come up with some insults for their looks.

There are plenty of sweary threads on mumsnet to find non homophobic terms of abuse. She'll need a good half dozen to start with.

@katki86 you are also wrong. You have no idea why this girl is overweight or if indeed she is.

And even if she is, why should she suffer abuse for it?

[quote lobsteroll]@katki86 you are also wrong. You have no idea why this girl is overweight or if indeed she is.

And even if she is, why should she suffer abuse for it? [/quote]
It doesn't matter if she is or isn't and I certainly don't think she should be treated poorly regardless- I just think that the two are not equivalent and it is wrong to say they are.

Wolley half an hour because they'd had hours or even weeks to actually deal with it. But they were fussing Willy nilly asking the kids to stop and giving chances etc and I wanted to highlight the seriousness and wanted immediate action but faffing.

To be fair to school they rang me immediately and stepped up and it did stop.

@BRB2021

Itsgettingweird When my sons school were slow to deal with it and giving warning before any punishment shock They had contact from me telling them that had half an hour to respond with an outline of what punishments would be dished out immediately to any child who use disability hate crime language to him again - and if I didn't have it within 30 minutes I'd be going to police.

It took 3 weeks of school coming down hard every time and then nobody so much as uttered a hate word towards ds again.

Woollysheeps
Why half an hour?

Talk about picking out the most unimportant bit

I know right 🤣🤣🤣

But I've still dignified it with an answer.

I can't believe anyone thinks I should even need to give an ultimatum!

I've been reading all these messages, thanks for the support to most of you. To make this clear, we do not and never have, as a family ever used derogatory and homophobic language in our house, ever. Yes, we have discussed different sexualities and that we must never discriminate but that's it. Same goes for transsexuals and bi.

Tomorrow morning I have another meeting with her head of year and teacher who she wants to speak to as part of her pastoral care team.

I'm so stressed and worried everyday about how her school day went. I can't concentrate on my job as I'm always fretting every time my phone rings.

I've told her not to retaliate in calling the bullies any names if she gets picked on. Her problem is that she can't control her mouth and gets carried away. It's best she keeps quiet and reports to her teachers. I'm going to bring up the name calling and fat shaming. Today during games, another boy body shamed her by asking why she hasn't shaved her legs as they were a bit hairy (?)

Wish I could press the reset button on her life and start again.

It sounds like whilst the language used is homophobic the feelings behind it probably aren't. Unfortunately these 'comebacks' still aren't uncommon in schools and may be the first retort which comes to mind on the spur of the moment, with no real thought as to the meaning behind them. I would expect the school to be dealing with all children involved in the same way. And possibly giving her some alternative, non-prejudiced retorts which get her message across effectively.

I was listening to a song recently with a line in it ("'These nails have served me well") that struck me as something that would serve as the basis for a great, no-thought-needed comeback against assholes offering up unwanted body criticism or observations.

Asshole: Why are your legs hairy?
Her: (delivered with venom and accompanied by a death stare) These legs have served me well.

Nobody could tell her off for it - liking one's own legs is not something any school could really object to - and yet, something about it is glorious and fearsome and absolutely no-fucks-given, no-shit-taken. It might be something to add to her arsenal?

(The song is this, for anyone interested:

Hope you get sorted at school. You don't need to restart her life, every single person will come up against obstacles of some sort. This is your time to teach her how to deal with it properly, for you to build up her self esteem and let her know you have her back.

Sit down with her and google a bunch of acceptable things to call them.