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My mum injured my son

558 replies

KevinTheBird · 27/01/2021 21:01

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Takingontheflab · 28/01/2021 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Quotes a deleted post.

SunshineCake · 28/01/2021 16:09

If my child went to the forest school I would want to know. Don't bother saying it doesn't mean she would hurt the toddlers because she hurt the grandchild. It is about the type of person she is.

toocold54 · 28/01/2021 16:26

I would ask them to delete your post at 13:19 as it could be quite obvious who your mum is to someone who knows her . Hope your son gets well soon and your mum gets some help for her anger issues

Would you be saying this if this was a man?

They have a long history of abuse and then attacked a 5 year older - not a spank on the bum but was hit with a glass photo frame, and can’t see what they’ve done is wrong and won’t even apologise and claim it was a mistake/accident.

I would hate to think my older DCs are in a school with someone like that let alone little toddlers who can’t communicate what is happening properly.

Interested in this thread?

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nocoolnamesleft · 28/01/2021 16:27

Really glad the wound checks out okay, and that you were open about how it had happened. The forest school bit is terrifying. Please, do make sure you mention this to the safeguarding team. It isn't your job to assess how big a risk this woman is to other children, but the people whose job it is do need to know.

Santaiscovidfree · 28/01/2021 16:33

After your update op I feel you are duty bound to report her to the police. Her dbs needs to reflect she is a child abuser..

KevinTheBird · 28/01/2021 16:36

I live in a small town, when I told the school what had happened they knew exactly who I was talking about. When the safeguarding person from the school calls I’ll make sure they know who she is. Luckily due to Covid none of the classes are running so it’s not an immediate issue.

OP posts:
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 28/01/2021 16:47

@Notapheasantplucker

Of course the mum is a risk to the kids in the Forrest school Hmm, she's got a track record for being abusive and assaulting a child. Someone needs to report her & I think you're irresponsible if you don't, op. That's other people's children at risk and the parents have no clue. What if she does something to another child? You could help to prevent this by reporting her. Glad your son is doing ok today op.
Yes, I am sure everyone on the thread, and the OP, has no doubt that her Mum poses a risk.

The point is that having now made the safeguarding referral it is not the job of the OP to be the person who formally assesses that risk, or takes responsibility for that assessment. That is the point of safeguarding referrals. The OP has taken her responsibility seriously by talking to the school and thereby invoking the safeguarding team. She has said that the school know exactly who her Mum is, and she will ensure that the LADO knows who her Mum is.

It is important that safeguarding is dealt with by the trained and qualified team exactly because it removes what can , in some cases, be a difficult emotional conflict for individuals, to ensure that safeguarding does not become an amateur vigilante hunt, and to make sure all bases are covered.

Once the allegations are found to be 'substantiated' the woman will almost certainly be removed from the Forest School.

LizFlowers · 28/01/2021 16:54

Kevin, well done. This is such an awful situation for you but you have done the right thing, now it is out of your hands.

I hope your little boy's hand heals up soon.

Changechangychange · 28/01/2021 17:06

You might think she'd never ever have a violent outburst at work

Agree with you, needs to be reported - even more so because OP has mentioned that her DM has previously been disciplined for an “incident” at work. So clearly she is not actually able to control her temper at work either.

RootyT00t · 28/01/2021 17:26

@Arobase

Some posts are harsh because it's an awful situation and the OP is an abuser apologist failing to see the issue for what it is. It's a good thing she posted on here, at least she had an inkling something wasn't right, but she clearly attempted to smooth over this incident, much like she is doing the same in respect of her own childhood. She needs these strong words now which will give her a huge wobble, I hope. Otherwise she'll always gloss over and move on to thinking ah, it was just a one off. No. It's game over, one time too many.

Where on earth does this fiction come from? OP obviously didn't gloss anything over: she took her child away immediately and made it clear to him that what her mother had done was unacceptable. She's also made it perfectly clear that she knows it wasn't a one-off.

I really hate the way people make things up for the sheer fun of criticising other posters.

Quite
Yohoheaveho · 28/01/2021 17:30

when I told the school what had happened they knew exactly who I was talking about
sounds like she's got form for this kind of thing...you previously said:
I know she did something at her old job at least once as she got a disciplinary for it

Notapheasantplucker · 28/01/2021 17:34

Oops sorry, I think I misread one of your replies, you have told the school. I'm really glad you've done the right thing op.Flowers

Thehouseofmarvels · 28/01/2021 17:41

If you ( not your children) are going to continue a relationship with her could you plus siblings and partners sit her down and tell her that if she is going to keep having a relationship with adults in the family she needs to address her anger issues ? Tell her her behaviour now and when you were children was unacceptable? Or would she just go off in a strop denying she has done anything wrong in her life ?

DishingOutDone · 28/01/2021 18:32

You've shown that you are doing the right thing OP, I think you'e handled it well - I was worried about you (and your DS) last night but its good that you have told the school and that DS's dad seems supportive. keep on this track; its the straight and narrow.

Floralnomad · 28/01/2021 18:38

@toocold54 yes I would , as I explained in my next post , this is not about not dealing with this woman , it’s about not being outed in a national forum . I really cannot see what being a woman has to do with it at all .

changingmine · 28/01/2021 18:49

I really feel for you. I couldn't leave my children with my mum and I always wished they had grandparents. Just like i always wished I had nice parents.

It's so easy for other people to say "go NC" or "report her" but the struggle is real.

You are being very courageous and I hope you get tons of support in dealing with this. I really hope your mum does too. It is possible for families to recover from family harm if all parties engage with support services. I've met lots of women who have lost their kids/grandchildren because of theirs or their partner's violence but who have, after putting in the work, been able to reconnect with safeguards in place.

ContessaDiPulpo · 28/01/2021 18:57

It sounds like you've done all the right things to deal with the situation OP; well done. I'm glad your siblings are supporting you. Are there any other relatives who might act as flying monkeys in the next few weeks though?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 28/01/2021 19:07

Are there any other relatives who might act as flying monkeys in the next few weeks though?

I only heard about Flying Monkeys recently on MN. My M very much uses these in my DSis but interestingly never on me.

toocold54 · 28/01/2021 19:12

yes I would , as I explained in my next post , this is not about not dealing with this woman , it’s about not being outed in a national forum . I really cannot see what being a woman has to do with it at all

@Floralnomad

Because your worrying about the feelings of the abuser - it doesn’t matter if she is outed on a forum. And if it was a man there would be a million posts telling them to put them to protect future children. I can’t help but think you don’t agree because she is a female/her mum.

Robin233 · 28/01/2021 19:16

Oh well op. I know that was hard. But you did the right thing for the right reasons
Thanks

Housing101 · 28/01/2021 20:57

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Changechangychange · 28/01/2021 21:10

@toocold54 if OP outs her DM, she is also outing herself. That is what @Floralnomad is warming her about.

Fairymad · 28/01/2021 21:24

When the safeguarding person rings they will ask if it is reported to the police, and to be honest if anyone had assaulted my child relative or not I would have reported it straight away.

BobbidyBob · 28/01/2021 21:25

I would ask them to delete your post at 13:19 as it could be quite obvious who your mum is to someone who knows her . Hope your son gets well soon and your mum gets some help for her anger issues.

Yeah unless there’s a massive coincidence here, I think I’m from the same small town as OP and know who her Mum is. A couple of details in previous posts ever so slightly changed but it would be pretty weird if the lady I’m thinking of is not the one.

toocold54 · 28/01/2021 21:37

if OP outs her DM, she is also outing herself. That is what @Floralnomad is warming her about.

@Changechangychange
I didn’t think about that that is really true actually!

Sorry @floralnomad you are right