My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

OP I hope you're OK, I doubt you had much sleep last night, this is a horrible situation for all of you. I hope your DS's hand is seen to this morning.

Can I ask, are you scared of your mum? Not that she would harm you physically now as an adult (she clearly only does that to children ), but of what will happen if you cut contact with her. I know you've already said that your DC won't be seeing her and that is absolutely the right decision, but do you still want to see her again yourself? Knowing what she's done to your child? I think that although you love your mum, you probably won't and if that's the case then that's OK. You can still love your mum and refuse to put your children and yourself (because this is really shit for you too) at risk both physically and emotionally.

Firstly, I wouldn't call the police - its a waste of their time, and its not warranted in this case. No one wants to report their parent/child to the police unless there is just cause.

My friend didn’t call the police/go to the hospital after her boyfriend hit her son because it “didn’t look that bad” and was worried “there wasn’t just cause” - her son died a couple of days later and was found to have a broken rib which punctured his lung as well as other multiple fractures which couldn’t be seen from the outside.

It would not only make sure the boy has no internal injuries but actually give OPs mum a fright/wake up call seeing as this isn’t the first time she’s attacked a child and not seen anything wrong with it.

OP you haven't fucked up, this isn't your fault, it's your mums!

Oh OP, how horrible.

To put this in a context for you, my own DM once accidentally fell on my young child and was so panicked she insisted I leave her on the floor and tend to him. We all went to A&E together to get him checked over and she was absolutely beside herself with worry and guilt over a totally blameless accident. (He was fine!) It didn't occur to her to blame the rickety chair she'd been sitting in or my son for being wriggly or any of the other million things she might have pointed to with some justification. That is the reaction of a loving and trustworthy grandparent.

Your mother may only flare up very occasionally but, as you've experienced, it's completely unpredictable and you absolutely can't have your children around her ever again. She's shown that it only ever lies dormant in her (not surprising since she doesn't even acknowledge what she does, much less take any steps to correct it) so even if she behaves excellently for the next 10 years, you really can't let your guard down ever again.

If I were you I expect I'd feel very similarly that cutting contact completely might be a bit dramatic and difficult, particularly as it sounds like she's been gaslighting you your entire life about her behaviour! But you have to think about this from your son's point of view too. If you keep up a relationship between them, what does that action teach him about how people are allowed to treat him (whatever words you say to him)? I think it basically gives him the message that you think it's not that big a deal for people to literally make him bleed when they are angry and that he must accept and forgive that, even if that person makes no admission of wrongdoing or apology or takes any steps to reassure that it won't happen again. Is that the lesson you'd teach a daughter if it were a man who'd done this to her? I know that's stark, but I think that's the horrible reality. Alternatively, you can teach him that you, as his mother, prize his safety and well-being above everything else and will even do things that make you sad or uncomfortable in order to keep him safe and happy.

Only you can decide the parameters going forward but I'd urge you to think about it from your son's point of view and the lessons you want to teach him rather than from the point of view of how your mother will react or how difficult it might be for you.

I doubt your mother is a monster. She may have very particular wounds or issues from her own childhood or life experience that cause her to act this way. Unfortunately it makes no practical difference, though.

I really feel for you. Good luck.

How’s your DS doing this morning? Hope he’s not too upset by the incident

@MacDuffsMuff

Those saying that the police won't do anything about an adult abusing a child are absolutely wrong. They will. What's concerning is that so many posters don't seem to think what this woman did is actually abusive. As if it were nothing more than a light tap on the hand with a finger rather than being hit with broken glass. It's astounding how people can convince themselves of what isn't abuse.

Absolutely agree. I'm shocked to see such posts. She deliberately hit him with a broken frame causing a deep cut. She would have known if she hit him with the frame she was going to do some damage. The poor boy must have been terrified.

Your mum has deep psychological issues-the way she brought you up was horrible to read.
Please dont continue to let her see your DC after this. You know her history and she will continue to perpetuate the abuse on your dc, unless you protect them from this emotional terrorist.

@RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves

Re: AttilaTheMeerkat - Your comment about OP's mother not taking responsibility for her actions - you are maybe right about this, as I think it will be a big shift change for the OP's mother and really hard to do at her stage in life.

However, we don't know OPs' mum and I think she should be afforded an opportunity to acknowledge the wrongs - if she could it could help the OP come to terms with her past .

I also think counselling session for the OP alone would be a good idea - to speak about her upset childhood. The example of being left for an hour at a train station thinking your parent had abandoned you is horrific and has obviusly left a scar on her childhood.

We need to accept that some people will never change. Judging from OP''s post, the mother has had plenty of opportunities to acknowledge the wrongs, but she pretends they didn't happen.

It's unlikely that OP's mother will want to help OP come to terms with her past. Why would she? Leaving OP perpetually gaslighted is part of her abuse.

[quote AIMD]@BonnesVacances that’s very good point. Regardless of the physical harm the whole situation was harmful.[/quote]
Harmful for the other children witnessing the incident also

I'm sorry, and this comes from someone who has an abusive father, and now an exP who was/is also abusive. Why does this post read as so many begin with, with the classic 'this person is so lovely 99% of the time' but they just beat me, and do blah blah blah 1% of the time'
We've all done it in these situations we make excuses and try to reason with it all in our heads, as it is hard having to face it all, especially when it is our own parent. But I am afraid to say, where there has been anger issues and abuse, abuse doesn't discriminate and it will be put on to all concerned and whoever is around the perpetrator.
That is terrible the way your mother was towards you as kids.

Now going on to what happened with your own DC, that is appalling, and re cements why you have not left them with your DM before, I mean you was there, can you imagine what might happen if you wasn't!
I would report her, you will feel bad this is normal, as you are still the child of thar person, and you have a loyalty and connection that with others you wouldn't think twice about doing so.
Yeah I think in the long term that relationship has got to come to an end!

Where on earth does this fiction come from?

Well, you can continue to pretend not to see that the OP has been trying to portray her mother well, explained she was "only" nasty to her siblings occasionally and subsequently disclosed far more about the extent of her abuse, and her point of focus has been on the relationship between her & her children and the DM going forward and not on the fact it shouldn't exist at least until she addresses her issues and her DM addresses her own issues - and in any event the children should never ever be unsupervised with the DM. Considering the full story it may be for the best not to have any relationship with DM at all.

Or you can acknowledge the reality and help the OP see it too.

I think anyone with safeguarding training knows what the appropriate actions are. Many people on this thread clearly have no idea.

You are not helping by giving out the wrong advice. If you don't have the knowledge and experience to back you up then why are you commenting?.

I took ds to minor injuries this morning. There was nothing in the cut thankfully and they’ve patched it up with steri strips.

I’ve told 111 when I called them what had happened and also ds’s school as I needed to let them know he wouldn’t be doing his zoom meetings today. The school were really nice about it and said that I should expect a call from their safeguarding person at some point.

Obviously I’m not going to let my mum around dc’s again, probably forever. She’s not tried to contact me again and isn’t answering he phone to my siblings so obviously knows she’s done something wrong, not that she’ll ever admit it.

Well done OP. This is not your fault ❤️

[RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves]
I am afraid your earlier post about sitting and having a nice chat with the grandmother and telling her not to do something like this again, is pure Cloud Cuckoo Land. People like this angry woman who denies her own actions and gaslights her children to minimise what she has done, is never going to see the light and admit that she was wrong. She just will never do that, sadly. The OP has a real dilemma now - a stark choice of whether to support her child, or her mother. This sort of post makes it more difficult by muddying the waters.

❤️ Bless you, it must be very painful to deal with (I have some experience with elements of dysfunctional families, but nothing on this level, and that’s hard enough to properly navigate, especially once you become a parent and are determined to do right by your children).

Have a lovely, calm day with your children.

Well done OP, you’ve done exactly the right thing. Don’t chase contact with your mum, that is what she will be hoping for. Take the time to think and reassess your relationship with her. If she contacts you, step back and take your time before deciding if you want to respond.

Well done

Well done OP. Is he ok? Are you? This is very hard and you've dealt with it well.

She's runs a toddler forrest school!? Did you mention that to 111?

I'm glad he's had a McDonald's - they make everything better

No way fuck that she would never see my son again

@KevinTheBird I would ask them to delete your post at 13:19 as it could be quite obvious who your mum is to someone who knows her . Hope your son gets well soon and your mum gets some help for her anger issues .

Well done, OP, it's good that school know and that there is a safeguarding framework.

How are the boys 'in themselves' today?

I hope they know that although it is good to be careful throwing things indoors, what happened afterwards is not acceptable, and it was in no way their fault, and it isn't their fault that Mummy is very angry with Grandmother.

I didn't think that you should get the police involved, but it seems (a) that the cut is quite bad (b) with the additional information you've given, she should be allowed around small children in a professional capacity, so I think you sadly need to make that call for the safety of other children.