My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

[alexdgr8]

??
OP was dated last week ?

any update, OP ? hope you're ok. and DC.

[Help1402]

Sorry just read the updates didn’t realise this was a few weeks old

[Help1402]

You need to go to hospital he could have glass in his hand , tell them what happened and they can start off reporting it for you , she needs to get in trouble what a horrible bitch

[RootyT00t]

@Tiktokersmiracle

Whilst you are all arguing amongst yourselves, OP hasnt posted since 28/1

So once again, due to MN back and forth arguing, you've frightened an OP who could have had support and advice away.

Slow hand claps to the last few pages

It can be fucking hard to see abuse. Especially abuse suffered as a child. I didn't realise my narc mother had abused me until I was 21! 21! My whole mental health collapsed, it isn't always a relief to realise. For me my word caved in, because I had existed in a bubble where everyone had a mum like mine who put them down and told lies about them, with a dad who put himself first as he was scared of her and didn't want another divorce to embarrass his middle class family.
When I realised that no, some people had warm, caring mums who did everything to bolster their child, with children who felt loved and wanted, it made me question why mine didn't, what was wrong with me?
It took me years, years and years, to get to where I am now at near 40.

So, whilst everyone had an opinion, which is fine, please understand that abuse affects everyone differently. The OP has had the worst wake up call of how much of a child abuser her mother actually is, via her hurting her own child. Imagine how that feels?

💖

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

@Tiktokersmiracle not sure if that was partly directed at me, but I only posted because I was upset that someone seemed to be trying to talk the OP out of speaking to the police with a list of reasons that seem to be taken straight from page 1 of the abuser's handbook. "The police won't do anything." "They'll say you're lying." "It will make things worse." " You will never prove it."

If OP does come back... whatever you decide, please don't be swayed by anything Arobase has said.

But yes, aside from that, I take the point and will leave it there.

[Arobase]

I think your wrong. What’s your solution?

You think my wrong what?

My solution would basically be for the adult children to talk to their mother and spell out to her that, minimise all of this as much as she likes, they know what happened and she actually knows what happened; that it cannot go on; that she needs to get treatment; and that, unless and until she does, she won't have anything to do with their children and, if she has contact with any other children, they will ensure that the parents know.

[BejeweledCrocs]

What an awful experience. I can relate to feeling like maybe things change over time and with grandkids...

I have a stepmother who is a toxic person. She was awful to me as a teenager and it continued into adulthood. Not physical but verbally and emotionally. As I got older and was pregnant I thought it would be a chance to start afresh, that maybe it had been a difficult dynamic of teenage vs stepmother etc. Anyway turned out she was just as repulsive with my DC. Made mocking remarks about his appearance, constantly compared him to the "beautiful" child that lived down the road, then as a toddler completely ignored him, literally didnt acknowledge he was there and left the room if he tried to talk to her.

There was one particular visit where I just felt sickened by her. DC was under 2 and had been trying to sing to her. She had just got up and walked out the room. I suddenly realised that we were going to repeat the cycle of my childhood when I tried to be "good" and get a bit of love or kindness, only to feel rejected. Fuck that. My child will never feel like he isnt good enough. I've cut her out of my life.

People do not change.

Lots of love to you OP x

[GreenlandTheMovie]

I actually hope that the police investigate this incident and charge, if there is enough evidence. I know it can be difficult to gather enough evidence in these types of cases, but everyone is far more clued up about incidents involving children now than in the past.

She could have been getting away with low grade instances for years. It sounds as though she has some strange compulsion to cause harm and/or distress which she cannot control and which she sees no need to control.

If she is charged and convicted, she will be subjected to psychiatric evaluation, which might be helpful all round, including to herself.

[Tiktokersmiracle]

Whilst you are all arguing amongst yourselves, OP hasnt posted since 28/1

So once again, due to MN back and forth arguing, you've frightened an OP who could have had support and advice away.

Slow hand claps to the last few pages

It can be fucking hard to see abuse. Especially abuse suffered as a child. I didn't realise my narc mother had abused me until I was 21! 21! My whole mental health collapsed, it isn't always a relief to realise. For me my word caved in, because I had existed in a bubble where everyone had a mum like mine who put them down and told lies about them, with a dad who put himself first as he was scared of her and didn't want another divorce to embarrass his middle class family.
When I realised that no, some people had warm, caring mums who did everything to bolster their child, with children who felt loved and wanted, it made me question why mine didn't, what was wrong with me?
It took me years, years and years, to get to where I am now at near 40.

So, whilst everyone had an opinion, which is fine, please understand that abuse affects everyone differently. The OP has had the worst wake up call of how much of a child abuser her mother actually is, via her hurting her own child. Imagine how that feels?

[4redSocks]

[quote Arobase]@4redSocks, I don't believe the child is lying for one moment, but unfortunately it's far from unknown for 5 year olds to lie. And would you like to put a 5 year old up to give evidence?[/quote]
This is you assuming again I don’t know exactly the prosecution procedure or if it would get to that extent. I wouldn’t hesitate to phone the police if my mother did that.

If that’s what it took YES. OP’s mother is a liability and OP has a duty to her kids and other people in the family before it happens again.

I think your wrong. What’s your solution?

[Arobase]

*I've pointed out why that's wrong, and now you've come up with a whole new list of reasons why (you assume) the police wouldn't do anything."

Oh, how terrible, I answered the points made in your post, @JesusInTheCabbageVan. What a dreadful thing to happen.

As for my being keen for it not to be reported, don't be bloody ridiculous.

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

[quote Arobase]@JesusInTheCabbageVan, the police would be well aware the defence would make mincemeat of that.
Cut on the hand? Child did it himself.
Accounts of two witnesses? But DC1 didn't even tell OP that sibling's hand was cut, let alone that Granny did it. Where was DC1, did they even see anything, are they simply recounting what their brother told them?
OP confirming the history? But she trusted her mother to look after her children.
Siblings? They weren't there, excellent chance of getting their evidence excluded.
Text exchange? No admission. My client said she couldn't remember doing it because she couldn't, she was so upset at the accusation from her daughter about her beloved grandchild that she wasn't thinking straight.

I'm not saying that any of that is fair, right or desirable. But if/when OP's mother gets away with it she'll think she's won and will have learnt nothing.[/quote]
Your original post was that 'it's just one word against the other'.

I've pointed out why that's wrong, and now you've come up with a whole new list of reasons why (you assume) the police wouldn't do anything.

Yes, those are all points the Defence MAY make, because that's literally how a trial works. The Prosecution argues the other side, and then the Jury decides who to believe.

You seem very keen for the OP (and possibly victims in general?) not to report abuse. I wonder why that is. If you'd come along earlier, would you have tried to persuade her not to tell the hospital or the school either?

Bottom line: the OP is doing the right thing by being honest. She should absolutely be thinking about reporting this to the police, because it's a serious crime. What worries me is that if she's looking for excuses not to report, you've just given her lots. So I wish you would stop.

[strawberriesontheNeva]

All you drama vultures maybe consider leaving the op alone now.
She has reported the incident

[custardbear]

Your mum isn't a nice person at all, I'd be low or no contact after that incident amd she'd never have treats like park visits etc again

[RootyT00t]

[quote Arobase]@JesusInTheCabbageVan, the police would be well aware the defence would make mincemeat of that.
Cut on the hand? Child did it himself.
Accounts of two witnesses? But DC1 didn't even tell OP that sibling's hand was cut, let alone that Granny did it. Where was DC1, did they even see anything, are they simply recounting what their brother told them?
OP confirming the history? But she trusted her mother to look after her children.
Siblings? They weren't there, excellent chance of getting their evidence excluded.
Text exchange? No admission. My client said she couldn't remember doing it because she couldn't, she was so upset at the accusation from her daughter about her beloved grandchild that she wasn't thinking straight.

I'm not saying that any of that is fair, right or desirable. But if/when OP's mother gets away with it she'll think she's won and will have learnt nothing.[/quote]
Not sure I understand the position here Arobase.

Don't report it..?

[Arobase]

@4redSocks, I don't believe the child is lying for one moment, but unfortunately it's far from unknown for 5 year olds to lie. And would you like to put a 5 year old up to give evidence?

[Arobase]

@JesusInTheCabbageVan, the police would be well aware the defence would make mincemeat of that.
Cut on the hand? Child did it himself.
Accounts of two witnesses? But DC1 didn't even tell OP that sibling's hand was cut, let alone that Granny did it. Where was DC1, did they even see anything, are they simply recounting what their brother told them?
OP confirming the history? But she trusted her mother to look after her children.
Siblings? They weren't there, excellent chance of getting their evidence excluded.
Text exchange? No admission. My client said she couldn't remember doing it because she couldn't, she was so upset at the accusation from her daughter about her beloved grandchild that she wasn't thinking straight.

I'm not saying that any of that is fair, right or desirable. But if/when OP's mother gets away with it she'll think she's won and will have learnt nothing.

[4redSocks]

@Arobase your assuming! It’s not your job to assume anything. Unless OPs child is going to lie about how they got their injury?

This will be all recorded down and sorry OP to upset but it doesn’t look great on her part. I’m sure it was a one off but you never know. OP definitely needs to report her mother.

She’s complacent and it’s unacceptable of OPs mum.

[Tigger001]

Calling a child a fucking idiot is bad enough, but to then hit them is unacceptable.

Anyone who did this to my child, would not be having anymore contact them. I would meet them face to face and make it very clear why not.

Endure your kids know that's not acceptable and nothing deserves their nans response

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

@Arobase

Don’t engage anymore. Just call the police your mother needs to learn she is a grown woman totally out of order.

Assuming she continues to deny it, it will be her word against a 5 year old's. I really can't see the police doing anything.

Firstly, it's really irresponsible to discourage someone from reporting child abuse to the police, so don't do that.

Secondly, you're wrong. In terms of evidence, there is:

The cut on the child's hand.
The accounts of TWO witnesses (both children)
The OP, who can confirm that the mum has a history of violence.
Potentially also the accounts of her siblings.
And crucially, there's the text exchange in which the mum didn't deny harming the child, but only said 'I don't remember'. Any police officer with two brain cells to rub together will recognise that for what it is, even if you find it tricky. (By the way, good thinking to get her on record as not denying it, OP.)

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

How is he doing today KevinTheBird?

This is probably a stupidly obvious point, but if you haven't already done so, make sure he understands that he's done nothing wrong, as he's probably very confused right now and trying to rationalise what happened.

Glad you're planning to end contact - it's the only option.

[JennyBarlow35]

Wait? What? Leave her, I wouldn't stay around her with that temper!

[Arobase]

Don’t engage anymore. Just call the police your mother needs to learn she is a grown woman totally out of order.

Assuming she continues to deny it, it will be her word against a 5 year old's. I really can't see the police doing anything.

[hanste123]

I wouldn’t never see or speak to my mum again if she did that.

[changingmine]

@fuckedandbombed

As I see you've been a victim of abuse I'm saying nothing but I don't think your original post was fair.

Thanks for that . When you both have experienced parental abuse , dealt with it and now worth with victims and suspects of said abuse you can comment. Do you ? Work or have experience in either ?

Your comments are very aggressive, bullish really. You even promote violence as a means of management (I would have decked her). I would urge you to seek professional help.