My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

She absolutely is abusive. Do not have any contact and I would recommend the forest schools are told.

If she works with children then you definitely need to report this to the police

You've handled this really well @KevinTheBird
The disconnect between who your mum normally is and these dreadful outbursts must be really hard to come to terms with. But you've managed to get past that, and been open and honest with those people whose job it is to ensure that your boys are protected.

All the best to you, your kids and your siblings.

I wouldn't need to consider going no contact if one of my parents had done this because I'd have killed them in rage

Op, never see her again, she hurt your child fgs

Cross-posted.

Bloody hell - yes, in her position she DEFINITELY needs reporting on a safeguarding level, and also, given that there are other agencies in the know now I think you should probably get the thread deleted. And esp that post.

She works with toddlers😳
Did the police not ought to know about this

@KevinTheBird I'm so sorry this has happened. I've read most of the thread and think a lot of posters, whilst coming from a good place, have been a bit harsh re your mum. Obviously what she did was awful and there's no excuse, but to say flippantly 'never see her again' or tell you you're awful for not putting your child first isn't helpful. She's your mum, and it'll be harder said than done to just cut her out and be ok with that.

I've a difficult mother and her behaviour has left some deep emotional scars in me. However, I don't think I could just cut her out. So I understand your hesitance. This is probably something best explored with a therapist, who can help you disentangle feelings on this matter.

Hope your son is ok, and all the best.

Hi OP, thank you for updating and this is good news re the wound. I'm pleased you've been able to share with school and 111, have a talk to the safeguarding lead and don't be surprised to receive further contact from social care especially given your update re your Mum running a forest school. You've done the hardest bit which is getting it out in the open and now you can start to rebuild without her. Good luck to you and your DCs

Is she capable of losing her temper/ glassing any of the children at her forest school and lying to the parents about any injuries and making the child promise not to tell? Are you one hundred percent sure she would only ever glass or harm her own children or grandchildren? It could be good to have a think about if the children at her school are safe. As long as she knows not to hurt anyone outside the family.

She's your mum
It works both ways though, people say 'how can you cut your parent out of your life they're your parent' but equally one could reply with 'I'm their daughter how could they treat me like that'
If we are expected to be especially nice and compassionate towards our parents should we not expect them to be especially nice and compassionate towards us?
Ohcrepe, presumably you made your choice to stay in contact with your mother because this is the lesser of the two evils ....for you?

for me it's not so much that she did it, though that is bad enough it's that her impulse, her immediate response is to lie to your face and then keep on doubling down.

When the safeguarding team from school call I think that you need to be honest about the fact that she runs a forest school. You might think she'd never ever have a violent outburst at work but if I was a parent and my childs nursery teacher glasses their grandchild and abused their children I would see anyone who kept it quiet as complicit and jointly responsible for anything that happened. Safeguarding children is everyone's responsibility.

I'm so sorry. How very painful for you.

If she had done this to an unrelated adult, I don't think there would be any question of the police not being involved. Just because it is a related child, doesn't justify it being swept under the carpet. Hopefully safeguarding will take appropriate action.

School safeguarding may well ask if she has any contact with other children or vulnerable people. Please tell the truth about the forest school. Maybe they can force her to do an anger management course. Do the right thing :)

[quote Floralnomad]@KevinTheBird I would ask them to delete your post at 13:19 as it could be quite obvious who your mum is to someone who knows her . Hope your son gets well soon and your mum gets some help for her anger issues .[/quote]
Good. I would call the council and report her too. She shouldn’t be a councillor and she shouldn’t be running a group for children.

The OP can't possibly gauge whether her mother is a risk to the kids in the forest school, and it isn't her job to do so. That is the whole point of a safeguarding team - who do have that responsibility.

All the OP needs to do is tell the school safeguarding team the facts, and tell the truth and not row back if they investigate. The facts are the facts.

Of course the mum is a risk to the kids in the Forrest school , she's got a track record for being abusive and assaulting a child.
Someone needs to report her & I think you're irresponsible if you don't, op. That's other people's children at risk and the parents have no clue. What if she does something to another child? You could help to prevent this by reporting her.

Glad your son is doing ok today op.

*Forest

@Boltonb I’m not disagreeing that this woman shouldn’t be in charge of other people’s children but I don’t think being outed on here or potentially in the press is the way to do it .

I hope the police or safeguarding team inform the toddler group she runs, she is a risk to kids and should not be in a position of trust.

@KevinTheBird I want to give you a big hug. To you your family is normal, to others a family where no one let's their Mother have unsupervised access to their grandchildren is very disfunctional.

Just focus on your little ones, they'll keep you strong. Being honest with them and everyone else will show you how poor your Mother's behaviour has always been and how much better a parent you are.

@KevinTheBird not sure you received my message but if you need to talk to someone who grew up in a similar abusive home I'm happy to talk.
The fact she works with children is very worrying indeed. I think she may lose that position of responsibility and that's the right thing. It's not your fault. She has done this by refusing to address her anger issues around, specifically, children in her care.

Well done OP. This was not your fault and well done for protecting your DC. I'm not surprised that your DH wasn't angry with you at the end of the day we hope people change as you had obviously hoped your DM had changed. She has now shown she hasn't and is capable of taking it out on the most vulnerable. Her silence speaks volumes.

Social worker here! I'm glad that he was medically checked out as that was the priority and informing the school was very pro active if you. I am very worried to read that your mother works in a safeguarding capacity and as such the LADO in the LA where she works must be notified. When you speak with the police/social care, it is imperative that you report this to them so they can follow up. From a SG perspective, whilst this incident is in no way your fault, it is important that you do this as they will want to see that you have taken these steps to safeguard your son.