Why do people with children seem so miserable!?

[MAK93]

So a serious question & no offence intended, but as I don’t have children but looking to start a family, it’s really pickled me.

I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

I know most people talk about the bad & not necessarily the good, especially on MN.

But it really is betrayed in such a negative way that it makes me wonder why people continue to do it, surely it can’t be as bad as some make it seem?

Interested to maybe here parents explain if they have felt like this but the other side to the situation (positive one!), or if it was a phase, if you regret it in hind sight or is it really not as horrible as I keep reading

I don’t know, I never felt like that, and none of my friends did.

For many of the same reasons people without children seem miserable I should think

Well yes, it can be hard because it doesn’t let up. You are protector, chef, entertainer, dresser, planner ... Naturally you have less time to yourself, and naturally you have less time as a couple. It pays to go into it with your eyes open for this reason and have conversations about how you might handle that. But there are many many upsides - why do people have children otherwise ...? (And Mumsnet is a place for people to share their worries. Posts about life humming along sweetly are not going to get the same traction, so yes, it may seem skewed).

Some people are just miserable, wether they are parents or not, just ignore the negative it's wasted energy to worry I would just go with the flow and you will be fine x

Love being a parent. Being a mum is one of the very very few things I'm good at and every day I'm amazed that I made these wonderful little humans.

But I do find it exhausting, mainly because I married a man child who makes life 10x harder than it needs to be

For me I find it really hard. Mine are young and I am an older mum. I work full time with shift work and so does my partner. I wouldn't say it effects the relationship with my DP but I am exhausted and it is relentless. For me they constantly bicker and argue, tel tales and cry at each other. That's the bit that gets me down. I feel we are always in a rush to do something or go somewhere and nothing seems easy. I genuinely didn't think it would be this hard. It's a bit easier since I've been able to work from home as there's less commute and no after school clubs so we don't get home at 1800hrs every night.

I can't have kids , I've tried but it doesn't work out .
I guess it gets to much at times but then not having kids does as well.
I'd love to be in the position to be moaning about hone schooling etc

Well, IME, they aren't

However, if you are taking your research from reading threads on MN, people post when they are seeking help / when they are struggling with something, so that is why you read about the difficult aspects. They don't post when they are laughing or otherwise having fun. They don't post to log in eeach day and say I've had a lovely day today. They don't post to say - "yup, another good day in my life" - where's the 'news in that?

I used to ponder this before I had my baby because I always wanted children until I started reading MN - I was horrified by how negative it all was!

Now I have my son and while I can faithfully say it is hard and exhausting and worrying, it’s also so joyful and exciting and happy. I expect the Internet gives a skewed view because people are more inclined to share / query the hard parts. Not many people will start a thread saying ‘everything about parenting is wonderful’ even if they feel it.

My overall experience so far is overwhelmingly positive and I am so, so glad I have my son.

It's fashionable to hate being a parent on Instagram

Agree with @BackforGood 80% of my life as a parent is lovely, I beam with pride when I look at them! But there are bad patches and phases, and I’ve reached out and wondered if I’ll make it through it and at the time it seems never ending. Then the phase lets up and life is lovely again but I’m not going to post about that!

I find it exhausting. The worry, the responsibility. It's draining so I stuck at 1.

I think people with child are ok, it’s when it gets to the second, third or fourth child people start to moan....but by then they would have been going atleast 5-10 years with another 5-10 years of the same in front of them so it’s reasonable to expect it.

Once all children are old enough for school that’s when things start to get easier for some.

I love my children dearly but I do struggle, i struggled a lot with pnd and found being alone with a small human for long, long periods of time very hard..this sums it up for me.

Why do people without children ask such miserable questions?.
Have a [ biscuit]

I’m an older mum. I had my only living child at 42. She’s seriously disabled, with a not fully known condition. Thankfully she’s getting stronger.
She can’t talk (tries and maybe will), can’t walk (tries but not yet).
Having a non-verbal child bring ill is terrifying at times.
She doesn’t sleep much. I can’t take her nursery regularly.
I wish she could go out on bikes and do school work (though she’s not 4 yet).
I wish she could say “mum”!
But, I adore her.
Her sister was stillborn at full term and that nearly destroyed me. (That was when I was 38)
I’ve never had a plan to be a mum.
I knew it’d be hard (grew up as one of six). Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things that can happen to you!
I never ever get time alone. I never get to exercise. I ache from carrying her around. There are numerous battles to be fought re medical care etc.
But she is the main source of joy in my life.
I sometimes wonder how happy I’d be if she were a typical child. I’m not sure I can honestly say it’d be a lot more or indeed whether it would be a lot less!

Or rather

I started a thread when I was pregnant because I’d read so many negative threads/posts about having a baby/ parenting that I was panicking.

I’ve only been a parent for 5 months. I am beyond happy that my dd is here and she’s an absolute delight.

It is very hard in some ways - I had a very difficult birth with some ongoing issues, I tried very hard to breastfeed but was not able to and that has brought up some very difficult feelings and still hurts to think about, it is really shit that I can’t share my precious and long awaited baby with family and friends and it can be quite lonely and isolating anyway, never mind with lockdown (my area has been in maximum restrictions most of the time), the first few weeks were very very tough with sleep deprivation although I have been blessed with a child who magically started sleeping through quite early so we are generally doing ok there, give or take the odd regression. My husband is wonderful and supportive but it is not 50/50 as I imagined, I underestimated the disparity in how much becoming parents would impact the two of us, and how much I’d resent that at times.

BUT I am delighted with my baby, I find myself thinking that she is surely the best baby that was ever born and wondering how I got so lucky as to be the one she was born to. She has brought so much joy.

I am sure there will be many testing and difficult times ahead and also just a lot of repetitive boring stuff like cooking cleaning school runs etc etc but I’m up for all that.

Really ???

I don't think so, in fact my childless friends seem more miserable and have felt more alone during Covid.

I love being a parent as does my husband. We share parenting and both take equal responsibility for chores. Yes I'm exhausted but I love Saturday mornings when we all cuddle in bed together or weekends when we watch a film together or go for a walk.

I feel being a parent has completed me and my husband as a family and yes we don't have any time alone but they grow so fast we know we will have us time soon

Maybe because we're not all insta-fabulous yummy mummies living the technicolour dream, and the reality is quite fucking dull to be honest.

I do struggle and I don't make a secret of it, I need a moan and solidarity from other parents.

For me, some of the delight of parenting is so intangible or difficult to describe. So, you may have had a really shit day with the baby and been complaining and then you're breastfeeding and baby comes off briefly to give you a massive smile and you think 'oh you're gorgeous, you're all mine, I love you so much'. Or when they start talking properly and telling you things, it feels incredible.

It's much easier to verbalise 'my 2 year old poured cereal all over the floor the the 8th day in a row and I am going to put him in the bin next time.' Y'know?

I’m going to tell you everything I wish I was told before having kids.

People do talk about it like you say, but they should speak louder sometimes IMO. It’s overwhelming and puts huge pressure on everything; your body, your relationship and your finances to name some. You don’t have a life for a long time, everyday life is often thankless drudgery, and no one talks about how boring babies are.

You might end up with easy babies, or get one who doesn’t sleep/eat/cries constantly. Post natal depression is real. Your partner may step up and he/she may not.

You do love them, but this may take a long time and often not straightaway. You can kiss your evenings goodbye for the foreseeable. I cry at how different my life is and often wish I could have my old life back.

The positives (for me, anyway) are that this little human, who looks a lot like me, smiles at me every time he sees me, keeps me on my toes, makes me laugh and changes every day.

Also important to remember that it comes naturally to some people, and others not so much. Unfortunately you can’t do a dry run so you only find out when it’s too late!

Good luck.

There are a few moments of pure joy and true love that are indescribable.

The rest is pretty much pure drudgery

People come on to MN to moan about various different things! I would say things are usually more negative than positive on here.

I wouldn’t go by MN as your guide to assume parents are miserable just because they are having a moan.