Why do people with children seem so miserable!?

[MAK93]

So a serious question & no offence intended, but as I don’t have children but looking to start a family, it’s really pickled me.

I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

I know most people talk about the bad & not necessarily the good, especially on MN.

But it really is betrayed in such a negative way that it makes me wonder why people continue to do it, surely it can’t be as bad as some make it seem?

Interested to maybe here parents explain if they have felt like this but the other side to the situation (positive one!), or if it was a phase, if you regret it in hind sight or is it really not as horrible as I keep reading

On that note, for someone wanting to become a parent what tips would you all give, in relation to anything a first time Mum would not find from normal sources?

I knew babies woke in the night but what I never really understood beforehand was that you will never be working to your own timetable again. You'll never get up when you want again, well not for a good few years anyway, I mean my kids are teens now but I still have to be up to do the school run, or direct home ed operations or walk the dog etc. I remember waking up one morning when ds was about three months old and realising this. My whole life now worked to his routine and no matter how tired I was, I was never going to be able to just roll over and go back to sleep again. Even when we went away for a night and left him with grandparents, I still woke the next day and immediately had to think about what time we'd get back and how that would work for feeds and routine. It sounds silly and you think you know it beforehand but you don't really. My friend had a baby recently and asked me the same as you OP and I told her the above. She told me after her dd was born that she hadn't got what I meant until she had her baby.

I think of life as an adult as a fairy predictable line, with the odd blip up and down of new opportunities, difficulties, but you're generally in control. The first 5 or so yeears of being a parent is like a completely mad squiggly line that goes up down forwards backwards round in circles and you have no control over some parts at all. You are however entirely responsible for whatever happens and will feel ALL the emotions while riding the roller coaster!

Sorry if the above doesn't make sense, for some reason the letter 'o' on my keyboard gets replaced by the letter 'i' when I'm mumsnetting from my phine.

I've been reading mumsnet for years and its really freaked me out at times. Now I'm expecting I hope to be pleasantly surprised!

I feel it could be similar to how I talk about my dog, if you ask my friends they'd say he's an arsehole from the stories I tell them. But they're hearing one anecdote a week where he's eaten a candle or whatever, not the hours a day he's sleeping like an angel, the joy I feel when he learns something new, the happiness I get from walks with him, and those huge rushes of love when he's cuddling up on the sofa. And that's just a dog!

I do also complain about being a parent sometimes, but it is great, despite the bad things

Life without purpose apart from being a parent? I don't know what other purpose can be greater than that to be honest. It is the best and most important job anyone can do. What purpose do you have in life? I am pretty sure I would consider it -whatever your answer is- a very small thing if I compare it with being a parent.

I didn’t sleep for more than four hours at a time (max 6 hours sleep in total) for over two years. The next two years were better, but still I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had a straight unbroken nights sleep (say 7 hours).
I’m beyond tired.
No family help etc.
It’s not that parenting is bad - it’s more I would find it easier if there were opportunity to have a break or time to myself.
And there are plenty of other people who are dealing with a lot more than I have to.

I think it’s quite taboo for women to admit they struggle with aspects of raising children as that’s their ‘job’. But as we have become more accepting of these things it is often emphasised more so other women don’t feel alone so you hear it more.

It is like every single job in the world you could love being a vet but there are going to be days when you’re drained or you hate it.

And we are also not just mums anymore but work too and many women seem to have a bigger share of the childcare than the dad.

But some women aren’t natural parents and that’s ok not everyone needs to have children.

For me being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life (so much so that I wouldn’t have another child) but I honestly wouldn’t change it for the world because I love it and I love her and I realise how lucky I am every day.

I feel it could be similar to how I talk about my dog, if you ask my friends they'd say he's an arsehole from the stories I tell them. But they're hearing one anecdote a week where he's eaten a candle or whatever, not the hours a day he's sleeping like an angel, the joy I feel when he learns something new, the happiness I get from walks with him, and those huge rushes of love when he's cuddling up on the sofa. And that's just a dog!

The love you feel for your dc will be that x a squillion. I don’t even like saying “I love you to infinity and beyond” to mine coz I love them even more than that. It’s indefinable.

For me being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life (so much so that I wouldn’t have another child) but I honestly wouldn’t change it for the world because I love it and I love her and I realise how lucky I am every day

Exactly, this!

Gallows humour. It doesn’t always come across clearly via SM. But I wouldn’t change it.

Look at the poor salmon, they shrivel up and die after producing offspring but as a species they still do it. I think it’s fine to have kids and want kids and know it’s not going to be some kind of euphoric magical journey filled with smiles and rainbows at every turn.

@LouJ85

People should have bought a little robot baby, instead of having a real baby,if they can't cope with little infants.

And how exactly would they have known, in advance of having infants, how stressful it might be for them?

Intensive babysitting! I'd had godchildren, cousins, nieces/nephews as sole charge for weekends, which gave me an idea! On one memorable occasion, I was called to a friend's house as she and her toddler both had sickness bug and she was too ill for care for her. I ended up doing a mountain of washing at 3am, before snuggling 18mo in a Peppa Pig shaped bed (you know the ones: tiny, wooden!) - woke up with my back in an S-shape and vomit that definitely wasn't mine on my top. 😂

Or, for the very serious planners, volunteering at a baby unit.

I wish teens had work experience a la Nurture where they saw a baby every week or experience in a daycare as part of their PSHE. It would build skills and also probably be an effective contraceptive for some! 😂

@LouJ85

People should have bought a little robot baby, instead of having a real baby,if they can't cope with little infants.

And how exactly would they have known, in advance of having infants, how stressful it might be for them?

Well I mean apart from every parent tell everyone constantly I have no idea!

Its not easy. But nothing worth having ever is.

As those of us who have done it will tell you, the best parent you will ever be is right now. Because the child you are imagining does as its told, loves what you love, eats well, sleeps well, wants to be your best friend as a teen instead of calling you a bitch and fucking off out with their friends.....

Its not what we think it will be, we assure ourselves that the reason other people are having a hard time is because they are doing it wrong. And thats a good thing because if we didnt think that the human race would have died out years ago!

I have had six children, so it aint that bad, and I would advise that in the main (assuming no issues with disabilities etc) the first three months are a mind numbing blur. Then they are lovely (although sleep can still be an issue) until they are 2 or 3 or 4. Mine never had the terrible twos but were beasts at 4...go figure. Then its plain sailing until abot 10 for girls and 12 for boys when they turn in to weird dual personality creatures. Vile, horrible, selfish and demanding one minute, and climbing onto you knee for a cuddle the next. The good news is that they become human again eventually!

The good outweighs the bad, definitely but when you are in the bad times, it doesnt feel like that.

The key thing is to make sure that you DONT get dumped with all the work. I of course advocate BF (even though I physically couldnt do it due to surgery) but I have to say that FF meant that there was no excuse for their dad to dodge out on nights, and making me the primary carer for ever after. I think that kind of thing can contribute massively to marriage issues after a baby comes. Daddy isnt physically needed in the way Mummy is so he gets to carry on as normal and by the time the baby is weaned off the breast he is used to doing fuck all and she is going back to work whilst carrying the entire family, house and mental load.

Get that sorted before you ditch the contraception.

Oh, and dont give up your job. Childcare is a shared cost, so it doesnt matter if on paper you are paying out the whole of one jobs salary, you need to keep that independence. If you dont know why, look at the relationships board for posts from women who gave up work to look after the kids and are then utterly fucked when the husband leaves, or feel that they have to stay in a marriage that makes them miserable because they have no independent income. Best case scenario, when the kids are older your career is still going well, so see it as an investment in your future, even if short term there is no financial gain.

I absolutely love being a mum. Sometimes with people I don't know very well, like at work, I will laugh along and agree with such comments because it seems very rude and snobby to say something like "well actually I love having kids!".

But I love it. I love making lunches, I love home schooling, I love their silliness and their warmth and laughter. It's the best thing I ever did.

There is literally evidence showing that having children makes you less happy actually!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/bigthink.com/amp/should-you-have-kids-2623617715

Although a more recent study shows that this is linked to financial strain and when that is accounted for having children increases happiness;

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/nypost.com/2019/02/26/having-children-could-reduce-your-happiness-says-study/amp/

I think one of the issues is that you’re asking mums and not dads here, and mums in the UK tend to get stuck with the “second shift”; also the UK is really not very family or mother or even woman friendly I would say in how society and work etc are structured. Also lots of people like me have had to deal with awful problems like domestic abuse, infidelity, divorce, single parenthood, child custody battles etc all alongside a stressful job after having a child. My child is the light of my life though! I would say my life is much less happy since he was born but it’s not his fault if you see what I mean. Correlation not causation. It’s a difficult stage of life even if you don’t have the sort of problems I’ve faced (or other ones that I haven’t).

Even though I may be less happy since becoming a mother, I do feel having my child has added huge meaning and purpose to my life. So it’s not all about happiness either (although i het why you’re asking the question!)

@formerbabe

There's any variables which affect your experience too.

If you have..

Healthy, nt, reasonably good natured, compliant children.

A supportive partner

Family support

Money

If you have all these things,it will be a breeze.

Only a couple...you'll manage.

None of them... you're in for a rough ride.

This is so true.

Just to clarify I don't home school, I just mean pandemic home schooling :) people send me memes joking about how awful it is but I love it!

As a child free outsider to parenting, one thing I'd say from reading threads on here is the relationship with the father /husband / partner seems really key to how enjoyable it is.

Loads of women on here who seem to have the hardest time are the ones with partners who don't pull their weight. Loads seem to say things like we'll just work it out. But then what that actually means is that the mum will be the default parent and do most of the work.

So I think having those conversations about how you will parent and split work is really important. Lots of women say they thought it would just work out. And I think it does in the sense the children get looked after. But not always by happy parents.

Certainly what I've seen with friends and family as well as on here.

@MAK93
I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

Becoming a parent was the absolute best thing to happen to me! And makes my career and personal achievements pale in to insignificance!

Of course it is hard in that you have another person to care for and put before your needs. So everything changes from what meals you cook, how much washing, tidying up, having to follow another's routine needs etc. But most of this you have to do anyway, it's just now you have a little person to cater for as well. Those activities may well be mundane, but they're mundane whether competing for 1,2,3 or more.

Before having my lo, I was incredibly well travelled, ate out in fine dining restaurants, went to opening nights etc. Now I get excited thinking about spending holidays and weekend breaks that focus on my Los or our family's interests. Its not a loss, its just a change, progression in the same way that you evolve at each life stage.

For me, I wasn't miserable, but I didn't particularly enjoy the baby years. Im' not a baby person. On plus side, I knew that going in, as did DH, so my expectations and his were relatively realistic. But as they get older and develop their own little personalities I have found parenting more and more enjoyable. As others have said, there's the relentless slog and effort and the fact that you just don't have the option to opt out for a day or whatever, but even that gets easier as they get older and more independent. A while ago Dh had taken DD somewhere and I was cooking something, realised I didn't have an ingredient. My heart sunk because DS was at home and it's such a mission to get him up and out for one little ingredient.... then I remembered, he's old enough to be left at home for a few minutes. And it was like my heart just lightened!!

DD literally makes me laugh every single day - she's a funny, mischievous little thing. DS is really interesting and comes out with great one liners. Spending time with either or both of them is genuinely interesting and entertaining and enjoyable in a way that, if I'm entirely honest, just wasn't the case when they were babies.

If I had unlimited money, no housework and schools were open, I'm sure I'd enjoy being a mum a lot more.

Oh, and agree with a PP. the single most important thing you have to do before you have children is be very clear between you and your partner how it is going to work. Because whether you realise it or not, you'll both have baseline assumptions and those are often not the same. Does he fully get it that just because he's working while you're on maternity leave doesn't mean that he gets to come and go as he pleases etc. What are your expectations for education - do you want to bankrupt yourselves if necessary for private school while he is happy with the local state school. Etc etc.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Its not what we think it will be, we assure ourselves that the reason other people are having a hard time is because they are doing it wrong. And thats a good thing because if we didnt think that the human race would have died out years ago!

I think this is very true. It does absolutely baffle me why soany people do it. But this is probably it! But this is also why I don't have children. I know I wouldn't be better than anyone else at it. In fact I know I'd be less patient and just generally worse than most people!

Some children are definitely harder work than others, and it isn't all down to the parenting! Some children sleep well from very early on and that probably makes a huge difference in the early years as to how positively or negatively you feel about being a parent. Also becoming a parent is a huge life change and different stages are harder than others. I love being a mum/having kids but it's relentless. Especially right now. Also society has changed so much and many people no longer live close to parents or wider family so there is not much support. If you have a supportive family and supportive DP it will likely make all the difference in helping you have a positive experience of being a parent.